Does someone know of a good sexual abuse support site?

[Guest2]

Guest 2, David pretends to be a friend and suckers people in with his mr nice guy attitude, but i know the other side of him.
...i am writing this cos you could be him that left the msge in the 1st place, i have nvery little trust or faith in people these days. sorry if am wrong
_________________
Denise

Hi Denise,
I can't prove it but I am SO not David!  I only said a mildly positive thing about him, because there must have been something good enough to fool you at the beginning, because no person on earth is all bad, even if you have seen a very bad part of them, and so that you might not get the impression that you ought to blame yourself for trusting him or for getting into this mess.  

But my main point was that he is holding an important key to your wellbeing, because he has the ability to upset and disappoint you still.  In your shoes I would try to disengage from him.  It does not seem like anything good is coming from it.

Also, when this is over and you are well and so much stronger because of it, yes, that is way down the road, but won't it be nice not to have your past in the closet hanging over your head (sorry about the bad writing)? And his bad deeds will have been the catalyst to free you.  And no matter who or how or what started the process, it was going to be a long and hard one.

[Denise]

David charmed his way into my life, took me to nice places we done nice things, but all the while he was living a huge lie, decieving me, cheating on me,lying from when i met him to the present day, i am emotionally tortured, after all the bad he knew that went on in my life, why add to it, maybe at the beginning he didnt quite grasp it, but as time passed, he did, i had a serious breakdown, he supported me financially, but still continued to lie to me, its easy to say disengage, but when some1 brings your whole bad past to the surface then dumps on you its hard, David would not care if i was alive or dead, he will just move on to the next bed partner, cos thats what women are to him, a sexual release, nothing more, he does upset and disappoint me, cos he makes promises that are broken frequently, the last 14 months of my life i havent exsisted, my life is in shreds, while DAVID, BETTY(MOTHER), JACK WILSON, THE JONES, THE SOCIAL SERVICES, etc get on with their lives not giving me a second thought, and the damage they have caused.
Why should i be the 1 to suffer i done nothing wrong, ive never caused harm to a single person in my life, i go to sleep crying i wake crying, i cry throughout the day, is this what lifes about, and the best bit of all is no1 will admit to doing me harm, i am to blame for being born, for trusting for caring, i hate myself everyday and i hate the bad thoughts in my head, WHEN DOES IT STOP, AND WHY ME, OVER AND OVER AGAIN??

[Denise]

Ive had little sleep over the past few weeks, i am tired, drained emotionally, its the weekend and i hate it, my ability to want to carry on this exsistence is wearing thin.
Just now and then to have some1 physically hold you, sooth you, help take the hurt away would help, but am alone and feeling so very low right now

[P]

(((((((((Denise)))))))))

A big board hug for you from me, i can't be with you sorry , but if I was, I'd be hugging you. (((((((((Denise))))))))) that's a warmer hug portia

[Portia]

Thinking of you Denise. Just letting you know that and t-y-p-i-n-g it out (two fingers only, can you type? I wish i could). Hope you're finding it not too tough. Keep posting and talking if you want to, we'll listen. (((Denise)))

[mum]

Denise: thinking of you and hoping you are well.

When you can think about things, perhaps this will occur to you, as it did to Ekhart Tolle ("The Power of NOW"):

(I lent the book, so I will put it down the way I remember it)

Ekhart Tolle was tortured, miserable, barely able to keep on living.  He felt life had no meaning for him, other than pain.

He had a moment, one night, where he said: "I cannot live with myself any longer!"

And it hit him: he had said: I.............cannot live with.........MYSELF.
As if he were actually two different entities.  There was "I" and there was
"myself".  
"I" was pure, unharmed, and without pain.  "Myself" then, he thought, must be his accumulated pain from experience and this life.....his life experience...

Perhaps you will think on this.

You are not your life experience.  Right NOW, YOU are pure, lovable and loving.  Yesterday was now, but no longer is.  The future is not NOW either, and when it becomes now, it will instantly become past.  Right at this moment, (not ten minutes from now, not next weekend, not 20 years ago, or even 2 minutes ago) YOU are fine....you are loved.  Focus on this, and maybe, in your pain, you can step into this very moment of NOW and you will see what Ekhart Tolle was able to see.

The REAL you is NOT what happened to you, what you think about, what tortures you still.  That is your life experience self.  Perhaps looking at things this way may help you detach from this pain, and find your true essence again.  YOU are love.

Bless you, Denise.

[October]

One last msge for October, Mati and myself, lets help each other if we can get through these dreaded weekends, ive had plenty of tears today, and you 2 probably have to, tmoro might be better or maybe not, lets just look 4 a rainbow and know at the other end is 1 of us.

(((((((((safe hugs 2 both of you and every1 else 4 giving support))))))))

Denise

The tears are difficult, but every single one is healing.  You may not see that yet, and I am sorry if I sound arrogant, but I honestly believe that.  A friend once told me of a culture (Sorry, I forget where - India somewhere perhaps??) where they regard tears as precious, and save them in a jar.  I have never been able to see my own like that, but I am sure they are healing.  (He said this one day as I was crying, and it made me smile to think that something we regard as nothing, or something to be ashamed of, could be treasures to more enlightened people from other cultures.)

I am really proud of how well you are doing, Denise, and your ability to keep going and going.  You are doing so well.  Your children may never know how strong you have had to be for them, or what a wonderful, wonderful mother you have been, but I can see it and one day you will too.

One day at a time, remember.  That is all that counts, and all that matters.

Sending you love.  
xxxxxxx

[October]

 Sounds like you're encouraging Denise to go ahead and end it all?  

GFN

I can understand that from the point of view you have expressed (as far as I am able to understand it, which may not be fully) it will look to you as if I am encouraging Denise to go ahead.  I can assure you that this is not the case.  Neither was I trying to interpret Denise's feelings.  I purposedly spoke only of my own.

The difference as I see it (and this is all subjective to me) is that I am willing to hold Denise's hand all the way, while you are willing to hold her hand only up to the point where she makes what you regard as a 'wrong' decision.  You interpret this as me condoning a certain behaviour.  I interpret it as not letting go, ever, whatever she chooses to do.  Whether you like it or not, she is free to make that choice, just as you or I or anyone else is.  I refuse to let go of Denise, and I will not give up on her, whatever she does.  But no, I do not want her to give up.  Absolutely 100% not.  I want her to live, and to be a mother to her children for many many years to come.  I want her to see her grandchildren.  I find it bizarre that you could get a different message from what I have written.

I am offering Denise the closest I can to the kind of unconditional love we all need from someone, somewhere, and that love will carry on, whether she manages to win or not.  But all the indications I have seen are that she can win through.  I have seen nothing to make me afraid for her ultimate survival, as long as she keeps posting here, and elsewhere, and keeps communicating with us all.

But I do think that you care, and I am touched by how much.  I wish I could feel half as much as you clearly do.     (I have emotional numbing, just for good measure.  Mostly I feel nothing.  Doesn't mean I don't care, but it is not connected, if that makes any sense at all.  Probably not.   )

I hope this helps.  

[October]

Mati, i know exactly what you mean by a normal family, it brings tears to my eyes, thats all i ever wanted, maybe in my next life i will be blessed  

Maybe you could redefine 'family' Denise.  To me, my family is me and my daughter.  That is the bit that counts.  And we are as normal as it is possible for me to achieve.

The extended family is completely mad, and considering how mad, my own little bit is little short of a miracle.    

You and your children.  Nobody else.  Are you not already blessed?  

Maybe you could try doing what I do sometimes when I am low.  I think that my daughter would be better off without me, and then I try to think who she would actually be better off with.  My mother?    My brothers?     Her dad??     You can go through as many people as you like; chances are you will find the same answer as I do.  Imperfect as I am, broken as I am in parts, I am still the best mother for her.  I am sure you will think the same about yourself and your children.  You are a very loving, very giving person.  You cannot be replaced.  And, as a mother, you cannot be bettered.  

[Anonymous]

Hi Denise:

How are ya this day?  Hope you made it through the week end.  Also, hope you will post soon to let us know how you are doing?

Hey October:  I don't know yet what I am willing and not willling to do, and I'm not sure how you know this?

....and all the way, while you are willing to hold her hand only up to the point....

Do you see why this type of statement might not sit well?

I have emotional numbing, just for good measure. Mostly I feel nothing. Doesn't mean I don't care, but it is not connected, if that makes any sense at all. Probably not.

Does this mean you care with your head instead of you heart?  That your thoughts of caring aren't connected with feelings of caring?  I'm trying to understand, October.  I have the feeling that you do care, very much, so at least it might help to know that you give that clear impression.

No worries anyhow (((((October))))).   Hope today is a good one for you!

GFN

[Denise]

Can i just say, october has been very helpful and caring towards me on the board and with pms, and yet it seems people are twisting round what she says, why is this, or am i reading things the wrong way again??

[Denise]

Is my reaction wrong, when i say that people that look at porn sites make me feel sick, i put it all in the pervert catergory, i put it in my sexual abuser catergory, i have just asked a question "what do you get out of it" the reply was" i like it," i said it makes me sick cos it reminds me of my abuser, and it upsets me greatly, i understand child and adult porn is different, but 4 some1 2 know of my bad experiences and then  tell me the site they go on(ADULT PORN) and say they like it, just makes me ill, AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?

[mum]

Denise. No, your reaction is not wrong.  You do not have to justify your opinion to these people, or anyone.  Your reasoning is valid, and so are you.  I believe many, many people will agree with what you say, but perhaps not the people you are around.  
I did not have the horrible experiences you did and I think pornography is bad.  It objectifies people and is a major contibutor to the pain this planet experiences.  Whenever we see fellow humans as objects and not human this will happen.  This belief of mine is one of the reasons I do not have friends who would use pornography, or if they did, they would not share that fact with me (as we would not remain close).

I have noticed from your posts, that you seem to be surrounded by people who do not share your level of thinking and spirit.  Is there any way to extricate yourself from your social situation?  This may be a contributing factor in your pain.

Good to see you here this morning, Denise!!

[Portia]

Hi Denise, very good to read you.

Can i just say, october has been very helpful and caring towards me on the board and with pms, and yet it seems people are twisting round what she says, why is this, or am i reading things the wrong way again??

Does it bother you Denise? I think October is helpful and caring towards you. I think the same of GFN, but she talks to you in a different way. I think October and GFN are talking to each other because they disagree on something. But that’s between them, it’s not about you, I feel.

They both still help and care about you, whatever they say to each other. It’s okay for them to talk to each other, it won’t hurt you, and they’ll both still care about you, I imagine. Does that help you? Let us know if it does bother you, okay?

About porn, I agree with Mum:

I think pornography is bad. It objectifies people and is a major contibutor to the pain this planet experiences.

I didn’t used to think this harshly about pornography, but I do now. I used to think adult porn wasn’t really hurting anyone, but it does. It hurts those who take part in it and it hurts those who buy it. It treats people as objects, sex as a commodity, to be bought and sold. Adult pornography probably leads directly to child porn. So I think you’re right to feel the way do.

Why do people like porn? Because they’re too lazy or too screwed up mentally to have a real, adult relationship I guess. If you don’t like it Denise, I guess you’re more adult and more thoughtful than those people. That is, you have a good brain. Yes you do  take care Denise

[mudpuppy]

As I am still a tad gunshy from a recent altercation here, I'll only say what I can from my own direct experience. No comments are directed at anyone in particular.

I think we are all different and need different things at different times.

When I was severely depressed, I do not believe a sympathetic shoulder would have done me much good. I had one and it didn't help.
I believe in my case I needed someone to gently slap my face and get me out of my rut of focusing on my present pain, rather than my loved ones and the hope of a better future.
I think for some people gently holding their hand all the way is the right thing to do.
But for others, I believe holding their hand with a good hard tug and a maybe somewhat uncomfortable squeeze right up to the very brink, to try and wake them up, is what is needed.

Now, I don't know which way is called for in this case or whether either is. But I do know it is possible to care for someone just as much and to be trying your best for that person's welfare just as much by either approach.

Thats my perspective anyway. I hope it helps a little.

mudpup