Does someone know of a good sexual abuse support site?

[Anonymous]

Denise,

You aren't wrong to dislike and be appalled by porn. It might be really important for you only to be with men who don't look at porn. If a man looks at porn, probably that is a sign that he's unsafe for you. It won't help to ask him not to look at it -- he is addicted and can't stop. It's not about you. These are problems/addictions that he had before meeting you.

bunny

[longtire]

Is my reaction wrong, when i say that people that look at porn sites make me feel sick, i put it all in the pervert catergory, i put it in my sexual abuser catergory, i have just asked a question "what do you get out of it" the reply was" i like it," i said it makes me sick cos it reminds me of my abuser, and it upsets me greatly, i understand child and adult porn is different, but 4 some1 2 know of my bad experiences and then  tell me the site they go on(ADULT PORN) and say they like it, just makes me ill, AM I WRONG TO FEEL THIS WAY?

Denise, you are entitled to your reaction and choices in this area as in every area of your life.  They are a part of you.  You don't have to explain your position, justify it by having been abused, or explain it.  It isn't about being right or being wrong.  You feel and believe the way you do and that tells us (and you) about you.  Nobody (who is healthy) can argue with that, even though they may hold completely different views.

[Anonymous]

Hi Denise:

Very glad to see you posting!  Good for you!  You made it through the week end!  Way to go!

I'm with you re. the porn thing.  I think it's degrading to women.  Just because something is legal doesn't always make it right, imo.  I don't blame you one bit for feeling ill about it and I agree with all who say you will probably be better off with a person that doesn't like it either.

Also: Do you think October and I are upset with eachother?  I don't think we are.  We agree on one thing, that's for sure, and that is that we both like you and care about you Denise.      

October:  I hope you're ok too.    

GFN

PS:  Thanks P and Mud

[October]

Also: Do you think October and I are upset with eachother?  I don't think we are.  We agree on one thing, that's for sure, and that is that we both like you and care about you Denise.      

Quite right.  And maybe an important part of friendship is to be able to disagree and still stay friends.  If we didn't care we would have stopped bothering to try to communicate ages ago, imo.  

GFN is one of the people I really value on this board.  There are lots of others too.  

Not reading the rest of the thread, other than this page tonight.  Not easy to revisit some posts (mine, that is.  If I go back, they will end up deleted.)  Apologies to anyone missed out, and (((((hugs)))) to Denise.

Don't worry about the peripheral stuff, Denise. You are doing really well, imo.  I am really impressed with how well you are tackling each problem as it happens, and winning through bit by bit.  

[October]

Now, I don't know which way is called for in this case or whether either is. But I do know it is possible to care for someone just as much and to be trying your best for that person's welfare just as much by either approach.

Thats my perspective anyway. I hope it helps a little.

mudpup

I admit you may be right.  I also admit that I cannot see the other side of the picture, and that I am aware that this does not necessarily mean I am right either.  But having been slapped round the face, mostly but not always metaphorically, too many times in my life, what I would need - what I do need - is total absolute acceptance.  Anything else would drive me away.

It is only acceptance which would keep me connected.  Speaking to Denise in this way seems to resonate with her, so that is why I keep doing it.  If I thought it was not helping I would not carry on here, particularly in the face of alternative points of view.  I am not usually resilient enough to stand my ground in this way.    

[October]

Does this mean you care with your head instead of you heart?  That your thoughts of caring aren't connected with feelings of caring?  I'm trying to understand, October.  I have the feeling that you do care, very much, so at least it might help to know that you give that clear impression.

GFN

Thanks, yes it does help.  I care with my heart and my head, but the connection between the two is broken.  So although I know intellectually that I love, I cannot feel it emotionally.  The only emotional connections that get through are strong pain and anger.  None of the rest.  I know that I love my daughter, but I can only feel it if she has hurt herself, when I feel the (emotional) pain.  I can't feel love.  

Probably impossible to imagine unless you have ever experienced it.  Not very nice. But it makes me (feel) a bit robotic/inhuman sometimes.

[mudpuppy]

Hi October,

It is only acceptance which would keep me connected. Speaking to Denise in this way seems to resonate with her, so that is why I keep doing it.

Good for you, October.

I am not usually resilient enough to stand my ground in this way.

Doubly good for you, October.

So although I know intellectually that I love, I cannot feel it emotionally.

We feel it emotionally from you. I don't know if that helps you but it definitely helps us.

GFN is one of the people I really value on this board.

This sentiment represents why, despite its warts, this place is so unique.
Yous guys are makin me all teary eyed.

mud

[Denise]

Hi everyone, i hope u r all well, am glad october and gfn are friends i thought i had caused conflict between them (((((hugs to both)))))
I have to say my weekend wasnt bad at all, David took me out to a couple of carboot sales, i was ok till we went to eat then i had a huge panic attack after 5/10 mins things calmed down, although it did make me feel sick, i got a new computer dask for a tenner cos it had a crack in it, not huge, but great bargain, amn David bought me a game, i must admit i felt bit rough by the time i got in, an a bit niggley, tired i suppose, but on the whole the weekend was the best in a looooooooooooooong time.
Ive not been in therapy for a month now, no antidepressants for 2 weeks, although i still use the diazapam,but havent took them 4 a few days, 2day i didnt feel good, head down the loo as soon as i woke up feeling sick bad tummy cramps and just sickly all day, dunno if its withdrawal off diazapam, then this subject of porn came up(can i just say this isnt all the people i know that look at it) i found it a shock at 1st that this person was looking, then amid conversation he actually clicked on the sight an told me what the women was wearing etc, i said it made me sick, gave the reasons why, but once again i am the bad one, people r entitled to do as they please but dont have 2 rub 1s nose in it, its really upset me today, i said u look cos u like it, then i said it makes me think of my abuser, did he abuse me cos he liked it, i tried to explain but its all been twisted round and now am the bad guy, now the weekend has been spoilt cos there will be a bad atmosphere all week, ive cried, was really upset, and was told to stop whinging, i cant win, in the end i had to take diazapam an other things to calm down cos i got myself in such a state, i go the hozzy wednesday, new meds lets hope they make me sane again, i was told off 4 putting the bit about the porn on here but no names were mentioned so what does it matter.
Just maybe sit back and think how u would feel if u had been sexually abused in such a disgusting way and try to understand were i am coming from  

[Anonymous]

Hi again all:

If we didn't care we would have stopped bothering to try to communicate ages ago, imo.

So true, October.  Thankyou for saying this.  

GFN is one of the people I really value on this board.

          Thankyou and I have to say I value you very much too, regardless of whatever heart-mind connections seem missing to you, October.  They don't seem missing to me (about you) and you don't seem the least bit like a robot, or unfeeling, or apathetic.  If anything, you seem quite caring and keen on picking up on feelings.  That's the way you come across and that's a lovely thing about you.

I am not usually resilient enough to stand my ground in this way.

Then that's a positive outcome from our discussions......good practice and good job, October!!  I meant it!!

 

I cannot feel it emotionally.

May I suggest that this is something you believe....that you believe you cannot....and that it may not be forever??  Maybe it could be said:

Right now, you are not fully aware of your feelings of love but are hoping to get more in tune with those feelings soon?  I'm sure this will happen for you  October, it will just take a bit of time.....and before you know it.....you'll be bursting with those loving feelings!!

This is totally off topic but that just reminded me of once, when I went to a "therapist"......(very loose term there)..... who rediculed me when I mentioned my faith in God and said to me:

"You're just like the Buddists.  I mean.  The Buddists are all ok and everything but they just say:  'Let's all sit around and love eachother' and while they're all sitting around and loving eachother, nothing gets done".

What a jerk!!  Guess what I said back to him?

"Just because you can't see it or feel it, doesn't mean it isn't getting done."

Guess what I felt like saying?  "How the heck would you know?  I bet you don't even love your dog!!! "

October, you're waaaaaaaaaaaaaay ahead of that person, believe me.  You empathize...which shows you perceive with love.....which you may not realize as a clear feeling...since it's not something so easily defined maybe?    

Back to you Denise.  

GFN

[Anonymous]

If you are with a man who is looking at porn in front of you, and describing it to you, he is being INCREDIBLY RUDE. You don't have to explain why you don't like it. You don't have to tell him you were abused so you don't like it. He shouldn't be doing it. All I can say is, he has a really big problem.

bunny

[Anonymous]

He wasnt looking at it in front of me, he was talking on the phone, then as i am saying i dont like it and why he clicks on the site and then starts telling me what its about, after numerous words today about it ive been called everything under the sun, so i shout back in anger and get called more 4 it, am in a no win situation, how can something b so good 1 day and so bad the next, i really do think i am going mad, i must be, if some1 cannot understand the simple facts y i dont like porn or like the details of it cos it gives me bad feelings then obviously there is something wrong with me, but to keep saying "well i like it" repulses me, i clicked on the site just to look it sickened me, young girls bout 16/18 dressed in school uniform, showing everything off, do u not understand were i am coming from, did my sex abuser say "i like it" when i was a little girl, these r the thought in my head.
I cant believe how different a person can be, some1 that said they hated porn it done nothing for them and then 2day they say they like it, my head is so messed up, i dont know what is right or wrong anymore, whats good or bad, i know am bad ive been told so many times, and y cos i dont explain myself properly, i did say earlier there was a difference in child and adult porn, but in my head its all as bad and gives me deep rooted bad feelings, i wish i could explain better, once again the tears r flowing and i feel sick inside, just about every single week in months something has happened to knock me back in the dark hole, i cant get out, if i try am pushed back in.
Does anyone else question themselves as i do, is it me, or is it them thats causing this??

Denise

[Anonymous]

He wasnt looking at it in front of me, he was talking on the phone, then as i am saying i dont like it and why he clicks on the site and then starts telling me what its about

That is the same as looking at it in front of you. It's totally ill-mannered, insensitive, and he did it on purpose. But I already believe that he has very serious emotional problems.

how can something b so good 1 day and so bad the next

Because when things go well, some people feel vulnerable because they're getting too close for comfort. They pick a fight to create enough distance where they feel safe again.  

bunny

[RobG]

Hi Girl

Ok, the first thing to accept is that what has happened in your life did happen. Yes, it was awful and yes, you have no one to turn to.

The next thing to do is accept that these issues are embedded in your memory. They are a part of you and make you what you are today.

You may not like what you think you are, but that doesn't mean that you are worth any less than anyone else on this planet.

It would be great to see you start thinking that the only way from here is up. How far up and how quickly you get there is under your control. That is the secret to improving your self esteem.

Once your self esteem improves then you will start seeing the dregs of life for what they are. Those dregs caused these issues, not you. Their guilt is on their conscience, not yours. You are a decent person, you know you are. You wouldn't be here otherwise.

If you want advice then the best I can give you is to start believing this one last time that there is a life, there is happiness, and that you are going to get it. Don't let anyone stand in your way. They can't win, they won't win. You are going to win this time. Push the crap back at those people who give it to you, ignore those who seek to get in your way. It's your life, not theirs and they can screw up their lives, not yours.

You really can do it. One step forward is all it takes, and that one step IS a step forward. You have a wealth of experience of what can go wrong. more than most. You know what to look for, you know how to spot the bad guys. Make use of those skills and take a pride in them.

The next time someone tries to mess things up just think 'no way, I am in control now and it just isn't going to happen'.

We are all with you. You have friends here. You can chat to us anytime you like.

Rob G

[Guest2]

Thank you RobG for a masterful post.  I know you weren't talking to me but I heard you.    
Guest2

[Serena]

If anybody I knew, liked or loved pulled this stunt on me (particularly if I'd been abused to the degree you have been), I would end the friendship / relationship then and there.

It sounds to me like it is severe emotional abuse and the person is enjoying toying with you.  

Good luck at the hospital and with the therapist.  Once you are on the mend, you will realise that you need to surround yourself with loving, positive people and give anyone else a wide berth.