I have a drama

[bunny as guest]

Hello,

I'm a creature of habit. My life is very routine and non-dramatic. I am also a person who rarely if ever rehashes the past. My memory is almost that of an amnesiac. I don't keep up with old friends, I'm horrible at even remembering people's names.

So here is what happened. In mid-May I got an email forwarded by my brother. Someone from 1976 was looking for me and found my brother (who has my original name). I did not remember who the person was, they only ID'd themselves by first name. I emailed him, asked him who he was. He was my bf from the end of high school, and he was very hurt/bitter that I didn't immediately know who he was. I was taken aback by his bitterness and just said I was sorry. Did not hear from him again.

FF to this past weekend. I get another bitter email from the guy, which was very sad and poignant at the same time. I wrote him an apology for the way I treated him in 1976 (I really was mean to him but I was only 19). He replied that it was very nice of me and that his life was now all messed up, just like in 1976. But that he wouldn't talk about it and I should join the other passengers leaving the sinking ship. Needless to say, this triggered all of my rescue/codep stuff and I was DYING to know what his situation was.

I just replied, I am willing to listen whenever he is ready, and didn't hear from him again. This killed me. I wanted to save him. I also started regressing, listening to 1970's music, and felt like a teenager. I had major compulsions to email this dude. And I did. I HATE MYSELF. I didn't write anything that bad, just said I would like to know what led him to look me up after 30 years. I hate being curious and needing to know stuff about people. I'm such a voyeur. Not only that, but this guy is obviously a loser. I knew that in 1976! I should be shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Whatever." Instead I'm falling apart.

I am crying now. Someone help me, but do not give advice please. I can't handle it.

bunny

[October]

I am crying now. Someone help me, but do not give advice please. I can't handle it.

bunny

(((((Hugs))))))

It sounds to me as if this person, whoever he is, just wants to play; 'I'm ok you're not ok' with you.  If he was a decent person, he would have met your genuine compassion and interest half way.  He hasn't, because that would be admitting that you are genuine and compassionate - which is true imo.  But you can't rescue people who are determined to be angry with you for not recuing them.  

I am sorry this has happened to you, Bunny, probably not for the first time or it would not be having such an impact.  I haven't any advice to offer, really, so you needn't worry about getting any.  Only maybe pathetic stuff, like, look after yourself.  

I am interested in why you have made such a determined effort to forget the past, though.  What is so important for you to forget so thoroughly?  Rhetorical question only - no answer required.  

[mudpuppy]

Gosh bunny,

I think you're being way too hard on yourself.
Its natural to want to know whats going on with the guy.
If you've got codependent issues then you definitely need to keep your boundaries in place, but there is surely no need to say you hate yourself just because you have the fairly rare virtue of human compassion.
If it helps to have a good cry go ahead, but I think you were just being sweet and considerate.

Now, listening to seventies music is a little harder to excuse.    

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Ok Bunny you're ok.

Anyone would be curious....are you kidding?  Ofcourse anyone would!!

You probably had some emotional connection to the guy, at least at first, young love, whatever, and that might also be simmering somewhere beneath the surface....making you wonder if he might have changed?  Might not be the loser he was back then?  Or maybe deep down you just wanted to offer the guy a bit of peace.....maybe help him move on.

Anyway......you haven't died or fallen off a cliff.  All you did was email.
No biggie right?

I HATE MYSELF.

No, you don't like what you did.  You're a good person, a curious person, a person who is very level headed.  You don't really believe this about yourself.

You are also brave and kind to appologize to him for your past behaviour.  Maybe you senced he needed to hear that?

I didn't write anything that bad, just said I would like to know what led him to look me up after 30 years.

So when he answers, you'll have your curiosity satisfied.

I hate being curious and needing to know stuff about people. I'm such a voyeur.

Oh come on.....Bunny!  You look deeper than the surface to help.  Your curiosity is a gift.

Not only that, but this guy is obviously a loser. I knew that in 1976!

And the good news is......you're not married to him!  Horray!!  You can talk to him on the net a little without having to launder his socks!  You have not committed any crime that I know of.

I should be shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Whatever." Instead I'm falling apart.

Expect yourself to be perfect?  To always react perfectly?  Never do anything you regret?  Pulllllllllllleeeeeeeeeezze......here's a hug:

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bunny))))))))))))))))))))))))))

NO worries.  You haven't hurt a single soul.  You're beating yourself waaay too much up!  People have done much, much,much

stupidier things.

Take me for a prime example!!!

Come one Bunny.....here's another hug:

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bunny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

GFN

[Cadbury]

I too am insatiably curious. I try and look for the good things about that! Don't beat yourself up over it - just know that other people would have done the same thing. I know I would. I always do. then I beat myself up over it just like you are, but maybe we shouldn't. You know from my previous posts how hard I have fought to get away from my ex bf. He messged me the other day and said that the medication was working and he was sorry for everything. I had spent months ignoring him and not returning his calls - detach detach detach, but with one mesage I had to know what was wrong with him so I messaged back to ask. Now that really was screwy. And it meant I had to put up with him talking about his so called mental illness. So please don't hate yourself, just accept that you are human.

((((bunny))))

[Newby]

Bunny,
That is quite a compliment for him to look you up after all these years. If he is meant to get in contact with you, he will manage.  Some dialog and the ability to assist someone from your past may be good. Maybe he needs some closure;and, when he sees that you are not the same person you were, he may be able to let go of any ill feelings he may be harboring.  Forgiveness can definately set you free.  You may be in a position to set him free.  Good luck.

[COSMIC JOE]

bunny,

it might have had to do something
with that karmic saturn
that takes 28-30 years for a full trip
thru the zodiac

next time check with your inner self
and if that isnt handy
someone who might get u in touch with said..
say a good astrologer

[cosmic joe]

or ....
check for feedback
at ze forum

[daylily]

Bunny, please give yourself a break.  Anybody would be dying to know what happened with this guy.  That doesn't mean you're signing up to nurse him through cancer, post bail, raise his kids, or straighten out his life in any other way.  I'm sure you're smart enough and strong enough to avoid any level of entanglement that is unhealthy or inappropriate.

Heck, I don't know any of the principals, and I'm dying to know what the deal is.

As far as "regression" goes, I did exactly the same thing not that long ago.  Old boyfriend surfaces out of nowhere, we have a deep, meaningful conversation, and suddenly I'm inseparable from my copy of "Stop Making Sense."  (Of course, I had to find it first.)  And I'm sighing meaningful sighs and wondering whether I made the right choice in marrying my husband (which of course I did, as soon as I can say he's absolutely, unequivocally stopped leaving the seat up).

And always remember:  People who mind their own business die of boredom at thirty.  (Can't remember who said or wrote it.)

best,
daylily

[cosmic joe adds]

bunny...
i add another vote towards
being easier on yourself

[bunny]

Thanks everyone. You really helped me!! There was a reply from him, he said he was just going into his past for some catharsis and it didn't work. There was also more sarcasm and bitterness. I finally "got" that I'm not going to find out what's going on with him, and this is just how he operates. Of course I was compelled to reply (yeah right) but I kept it light. Hopefully this is just some wierd incident that I will get over. It sure triggered a lot of old stuff about my teenage years. I am so glad I could tell you guys and get hugs and replies and similar things that happened to you (thanks daylily). I was really having a meltdown but now I'm calmer.


bunny

[EMAIL SITES THAT]

BUNNY
IFN U DONT THINK IT COULD BE USED TO LURE U IN
..MAYBE SUGGEST SOME SITES
THAT MIGHT SPEAK TO HIS ISSUES IN A WAY
WHERE HE MIGHT GAIN HELPFUL INSIGHT

BUT WHATEVER U DO DONT
REFER HIM TO THIS FORUM...

JUST KIDDIN

[Brigid]

Bunny,
Wow, offering you a helping hand is out of character.  You're always the one who can get the root of the problem and offer profound answers.

But I will echo what everyone else has said.  Don't be so hard on yourself as you were trying to be compassionate and kind to someone you had cared about at one time.  To have a curiosity about what was causing this need to contact you is very natural and most of us would have reacted the same way.  As GFN said, you didn't marry the guy, just sent an e-mail or two.  No harm, no foul.  If its the biggest mistake you make this year, you are a very lucky lady.

(((((((bunny))))))))))

Brigid

[Anonymous]

Hey Bunny:

Glad to hear you're feeling better.  Ya.  Melt down.  Tell me about it.

I call it panic-guilt.  It happens.  Then....the voice of reason kicks in and everything seems ok again.

Is this normal?  What the heck is normal anyhow?

All I know is I've been there and so have other people.  Even those who seem pretty normal to me.

It's almost like a combination of strange voices and confusing circumstances......having it out...twisting around together in a big mud puddle (sorry to mention mud, mud.  No reference whatsoever to you eh!).

Here's how it kinda went for me:

 I felt like I did the wrong thing......panic kicks in......I worry.....I fear......maybe I did the wrong thing?......more worry, panic, fear.......yes.....I'm sure I did the wrong thing!!  Anger.  How could I!!!???
I know better!!!  Or I should know better!!!  I'm this or that or any number of derogatory things!!  Biggest one.....STUPID!!!  Make myself pay for such a dumb thing!!  Pay big!!!

On and on for awhile.  Almost 'til I wear myself silly.

Then......a wee voice....."wait a minute".

And usually something reasonably sane drifts in after that.
Maybe I call someone.  Maybe I write it all down and re-examine it?
Maybe I just go for a walk and re-think.

Is it because we were always told how bad we were?
How stupid/useless/endless list of nasty names?
How we should have known better?
Shamed BIG TIME for every simple mistake!

were you???

I vowed never to say such things to my kids.
So far I haven't.

Good for me.
Good for me.

Good for you Bunny for reaching out and not suffering alone.
That takes sanity and is a normal thing to do.

It's not part of the crazy way to deal with stuff.  Only the crazy, nasty voices of the past can flatten reason like that.

I'm glad the meltdown's over.  I'm glad you posted.  I'm glad the hugs helped.

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi Bunny,
here is my reponse.  it is partly tongue in cheek, so I hope I'm not offending if you're very sensitive right now.  I am just trying to cheer you up.  Thank you for all your wonderful nurturing you have given me lately.

"I am also a person who rarely if ever rehashes the past. My memory is almost that of an amnesiac. I don't keep up with old friends, I'm horrible at even remembering people's names."

Me too!  Remember this guy is suffering from something.  We don't know what.  So if his feelings were hurt because after million years you did not remember his first name (unless it was Lucifer or something, how could you?) that is his issue.    Or rather, his opportunity to get you hooked in.  You WRONGED him by not knowing his name?  Oh puleeze.  It was certainly in your best interest to forget it, looks like.

"I get another bitter email from the guy, which was very sad and poignant at the same time. I wrote him an apology for the way I treated him in 1976 (I really was mean to him but I was only 19). He replied that it was very nice of me and that his life was now all messed up, just like in 1976. But that he wouldn't talk about it and I should join the other passengers leaving the sinking ship. Needless to say, this triggered all of my rescue/codep stuff and I was DYING to know what his situation was."

Hmmmm......it almost sounds like a 30 year old, long ago ended, young teen relationship is to blame for everything that has taken place since then in his life??????    He must have had to dig deep to find you to blame it all on!  Wasn't there anyone else or anything in that 30 years to fault for his current situation but you?  Man!  You must have been SOME 19 year old!  PS I hate poignant things.  Remember "Love Story"?
 
"I just replied, I am willing to listen whenever he is ready, and didn't hear from him again. This killed me. I wanted to save him."
Ah!  After all that time he can still press those buttons.  I guess none of us can really change the location of our hot buttons, can we?  

"I also started regressing, listening to 1970's music, and felt like a teenager. I had major compulsions to email this dude. And I did. I HATE MYSELF."

I would too.  I mean actually EMAILING the guy and offering help!  What kind of monster are you!      Crank up the Abba and email us instead!

I didn't write anything that bad, just said I would like to know what led him to look me up after 30 years. I hate being curious and needing to know stuff about people. I'm such a voyeur. Not only that, but this guy is obviously a loser. I knew that in 1976! I should be shrugging my shoulders and saying, "Whatever." Instead I'm falling apart.

Maybe it could be looked at as a good thing, obviously this guy touched on some part of you that is not healed yet.  I know that it is easy to say and just about impossible to do, but try to regard it as an opportunity for more work.   PS Curiousity is a good thing, and nosiness is normal.

I am crying now. Someone help me, but do not give advice please. I can't handle it.

My advice is, get a tissue but DAB!  Don't wipe.  Wiping causes swelling around the sensitive eye tissues.

With affection and humor,
Guest2