Once an Angry Man

[Resolution]

I arise early these days....not because I can't sleep, I just like to enjoy sitting in the garden and feeling at peace, looking out over the surrounding fields and distant mountans.

Yesterday morning was so lovely. It wasn't cold, nor was it cloudy. A gorgeous blue sky with just a hint of a breeze...kind of balmy really. The leafs in the cherry tree were ever so gently swaying....little flutters more than anything. Birds a plenty, so many singing. Coasting along, I'm no longer in a hurry. There was a time, and not so long ago, when I'd never have given a seconds thought for what I was now soaking up. So many problems.....no time to relax, no time to reflect.

People are a pain in the ass....or so I'm told  We get along...and sometimes we love a little.....or maybe to much. We hurt another...and then again, we often don't know it. We're used...abused...mentally broken.....and physically beaten....by life....and ourselves! Often fighting or defending....for what, I sometimes wondered! Anger, anger, anger,... emotion, rage and yes, fear! Fear of loss or lack of control and what may happen to us or the person of our focus. Strange really, the more we love the more some of us.....fear!

I'm no longer that angry person. Nor am I angry at the person who encouraged me to be so. I'm not angry with anyone come to think of it. I stopped blaming another for my feelings and turned my eyes upon myself. I realised that I was the problem and not the focus of my affections. I gazed upon my mind and forgot about: why, when and how, anothers would perform. I stopped thinking for the world and introduced me to me. I made myself....me....the center of my world....and I slowly started to like me!

Sciencetologist say that we've walked this earth a plenty before and that all of our pains, we carry with us today. I don't subscribe...but then who is to say! I did however, clear myself. I examined me, I still do a little to this day. I stopped finger waving 360 degrees around me, I stopped blaming other for my own short comings. I woke up. I realised it was up to me alone, to fix myself. Others could help, but in the end it was up to me and time, to mend what was wrong....me!

More often we're hostages to our own feelings and we allow others to excercise power over them....hell we damn well invite them too! Having rolled out the carpet and made them feel at home, we then complain when they don't do what we want. And when they have the gaul to wander off without us....boy does it cut deep and the dog inside us becomes unleashed! Snarling at everyone, but in the end, only biting none but ourselves!

I was a broken man....no that's incorrect! I was a man who didn't know he was broken....until it slapped him in the face! I was strutting around with a limp...a limp that nobody, including me, could see! How can one strut around....when you're actually carrying a limping? Opposite statements that are contradictory. A little like my life before I realised....I'd been patching over the obvious and using others to do so! I stopped!

Now I'm whole....complete! I stopped looking at others to provide me with splints. I resolved my broken limb so to speak and I'm splint free to enjoy life. In doing so, I'm no longer shouting at another as to why they won't do this or that for me. I'm not an invalid....a cripple of my own mind! I don't cripple others with my problem....my mind!

Giving 100 percent of our time to ourselves is a therapy I definately recommend. And given time, the anger in our lives, our anger, will start to subside. Never for one moment allow yourself to focus upon another when starting down the road. Concentrat solely upon yourself...and become whole....complete. Then you will really be strutting forwards....without the limp!

It's cloudy today and the winds up.....I enjoy it....I love it.....but then I can! And so can you...............

[Newby]

That is awesome!  You are living proof of healing and this gives hope to those who choose to stick by loved ones who are afflicted.  Congratulations, you have made it.

[Brigid]

Resolution,

Giving 100 percent of our time to ourselves is a therapy I definately recommend. And given time, the anger in our lives, our anger, will start to subside. Never for one moment allow yourself to focus upon another when starting down the road. Concentrat solely upon yourself...and become whole....complete. Then you will really be strutting forwards....without the limp!

I think this probably is the best way to truly heal the injuries, or at least the quickest way to do so.  However, how does one do that when they have children, elderly parents, or whatever, who are dependent upon them.  Do I tell my children to just hang out for a few years and not bother me with their problems, concerns or issues while mommy gets her sh** together and then I will be back?  Since this is what their father has chosen to do (however, his sh** will never come together), who will they turn to?  

I guess for me, I must multi-task just like I always have.  I also think that without the relationship with my children, I would have very little incentive to heal and let go of the anger.  Lately, I haven't really even been that angry, but I am really, really tired of thinking about the losses, being lonely and being afraid of the future.  I do look forward to the day when, as was said on another thread, I have my serenity back.  It sounds like you have found a way to do that and you are a very lucky man.

Brigid

[October]

Now I'm whole....complete! I stopped looking at others to provide me with splints. I resolved my broken limb so to speak and I'm splint free to enjoy life. In doing so, I'm no longer shouting at another as to why they won't do this or that for me. I'm not an invalid....a cripple of my own mind! I don't cripple others with my problem....my mind!

In my opinion, anyone who says this has a lot to learn about what wholeness actually is.  For one thing, it is not about using words like 'splints' and 'cripple' in relation to emotional problems.

The Shadenfreude in your post belies the message you are trying to present.  In my view happiness does not come from delighting in other people's inferiority; it comes from sharing in their humanity.

[daylily]

I stopped thinking for the world and introduced me to me. I made myself....me....the center of my world....and I slowly started to like me!

Did you start liking yourself because there was no one else left in your world, so you had to turn inward or else face complete isolation?

Never for one moment allow yourself to focus upon another when starting down the road. Concentrate solely upon yourself...and become whole....complete. Then you will really be strutting forwards....without the limp!

I wonder at what cost your foreward momentum has been bought.  I'm glad for you, but your post also frightens me.  In order to be "complete" or "healed," must we really abandon a focus on others?  Must we really "never for one moment...focus upon another"?

This is all a way of saying what October has said more eloquently.  But I wanted to register how much this mindset disturbs me.

I would like to be free of the chains of guilt, shame, and hopelessness.  I believe those chains were not self-forged; rather, they were put around me when I was very young, and I have dragged them with every step I have taken in my life.  However, I don't believe the answer is to remove myself from other people.  Can't the answer be to cut the chains without cutting myself off from sharing relationships with others--and to choose those others more wisely?

As I say, I wish you well, but your words leave me confused and frightened.  All I can say for sure is, this is not what I want my life to become.

best,
daylily

[Newby]

Hopefully, Reslution will come back and clarify some of the concerns mentioned.  I may understand where he is coming from but I definately can't speak for him.

I had a pretty good moral compass from my youth and I slipped into a dark hole.  I lost my mother and father within three years of each other while I was in my early twenties.  For some reason I pushed the people who cared about me away and just tried to make me feel good without caring about the expense to others.  I ended up losing everyone I cared about and I developed a bad reputation.  I was completely alone and I had no one to blame but myself.  Fortunately I didn't have children or others depending on me at the time.  I felt bad about myself and decided I had to get back to the person I was before I went to the dark side.

I  embarked on a journey of self-improvement and  just spent my time alone reading self-help, psychology, eastern religion, and Christianity.  I saw common threads of living a very moral life  and treating others well, bringing peace to people.
I continued to just focus on my own inner healing, physical exercise, and my profession for about a year.  I became very comfortable with myself and felt whole.  I became confident with who I was and it did not depend on what any outsider said.  I had no guilt or shame because I did nothing to hurt anyone else and did nothing to further myself at the expense of another.

I also did not feel I needed anyone to fill and void.  I found happiness within myself and did not look to anyone to fill any need.  This inner peace and confidence must have shown through because people just started entering my life and wanted to spend time with me.  They were quality people that I would help in any way I could.  I did have boundries and did not allow myself to be taken advantage of.  I expected nothing in return from these people.  When I became whole I had so much more to offer others and my self-worth did not depend on anybody's opinion.  I knew where my heart was at and that determined my self-worth.

I could assist others and have healthy relationships because I felt complete within myself.  I believe this may be the place the originator of this thread may be at.   Yes, there may have been a period of selfishness; but, that may have been for healing so he could be worth much more to others.  This doesn't mean you become a rescuer for people to take advantage of and suck the life out of you.  But, it can be rewarding to assist others while taking care of yourself.

Unfortunately, many people never get the opportunity to spend a year alone for self-discovery.  This may be why people take 15minutes a day for meditation.  I hope this makes sense in explaining where resolution may have been coming from.

[Newby]

In continuance of my story:  One of the wonderful people who entered my life became my wife.  Eventually I came to find out she is BPD.  I went from a very healthy state to becoming sick myself  during a period of ten years.

I can empathize with all of you who are dealing with these issues.  It is extremely difficult to remain healthy when you are around this type of mental illness.  I had the experience of being very healthy at one time so I know what I have to do to get back there.  I have been separated for 6 months and I am finding my way back to the state I was in before I became enmeshed.  Within a year I hope to be whole again.  Until that time, I will be spending most of my time reflecting, reading, exercising, and spending quality time reconnecting with friends that I allowed to be manipulated away from me.  I wish you all well on your journeys down the "Road Less Travelled".

[write]

it's one of those things- I can't even say half the time how he was abusive, it was lost in all the drama, but I know that the best decision I ever made was to set tight boundaries around every aspect of relations with him.

He tells people I'm sick, he tells people I'm mean...but he doesn't affect me nearly as much as he once did and every dealing gets more assertive and positive.

There came a point where I said- I don't care if I never see or hear from him again- he tipped the balance, and I've never looked back.

I wouldn't have bipolar disorder if it wasn't for the extreme stress he and my mother put us kids through, I'm convinced.
Maybe I'm lucky, I've heard stories of people who feel their toxic childhoods brought on heart disease or cancer.
And what about all those who go under- commit suicide, take to drugs or alcohol, never recover...

Wouldn't it be nice to think that some of these parents could be accountable some time?

And yes- I'm a parent, I know it's not easy or simplistic. But do I abuse my child in order to find personal satisfaction: NO!

Get ye behind me satanS is appropriate for all those who do.

[October]

I would like to be free of the chains of guilt, shame, and hopelessness.  I believe those chains were not self-forged; rather, they were put around me when I was very young, and I have dragged them with every step I have taken in my life.  However, I don't believe the answer is to remove myself from other people.  Can't the answer be to cut the chains without cutting myself off from sharing relationships with others--and to choose those others more wisely?

As I say, I wish you well, but your words leave me confused and frightened.  All I can say for sure is, this is not what I want my life to become.

best,
daylily

I agree, Dayl.  As far as I am able to see, the way to loosen our own chains is to forget that they are there, if only for five minutes, and focus on the chains weighing someone else down.  If we try to lift their chains, to help them to bear the weight a little easier, the strange thing is that our own become much lighter to bear.  They will not disappear completely, imo, until we enter immortality, because I think without them we would run the risk of becoming totally selfish and self absorbed ourselves.  

My view is that pain - whether physical, emotional of spiritual, connects us with one another, and therefore with the whole of life.  By focussing on oneself, to the exclusion of all others, the danger is that the person may feel safe and secure, but is actually disconnected from life.  Or in alternative language, already in a hell of their own creation, with themselves the centre.

A hermit in his or her cave who feels the pain of the world around, and prays for mankind, is imo more in touch with life, than a business person at the head of a vast, lucrative empire, but who cares nothing about anyone.  One is already within the Kingdom of Heaven; the other does not even know it exists.

[Resolution]

Forgive me, maybe I could have explained what I was attempting to say better. Not for one moment, did I, or should anyone else for that matter, become 'Hermit' type in their outlook.

For the first time in my life, I found myself in a unfamiliar situation. So much so, the person I became during this period of time, was not only alien to me, but the others close around me. From being an outward and positve person, I became withdrawn and insular. My pattern of thought became entirely focused upon my relationship with another person and its failings and eventual failure. To the detriment of all else, fixing this relationship became my sole way of living. I just had to hang in there!

It didn't matter how much pain or crap I had to put myself thru, as long as I could be with that person. It didn't matter how bad I was being treated or hurt by this person. I'd constantly seek to know why, but always compensate for their bad behavior toward me. To the point that even when the relationship embarked upon its final dive, earth bound, I'd still tolerate the intolerable.

A lover scorned, is not a nice feeling to endure, but one most of us will experience at least once in our lives. For me however, came the grindingly slow realisation that I was a co-dependent personality. I had no idea of this, nor the fact that I was living with someone who had NPD. The rest of it is now history and the anger of realising all this is long past. My saving grace was in breaking thru a barrier I feel many can't....let me explain.

I was trying to 'fix' the problem when in the relationship. The more I tried, the harder it became.The closer I came, the further away I got...weird! The relationship became nothing more than me trying to fix it and her determined not to....and that is when I realised I'd become totally lost in all of it....it was pointless! The only thing that held the relationship together was me constantly having and needing to. This put me into a submissive role and as such, she danced upon my face....because I encouraged her to do so!

She is a person with NPD and she can't help herself! She continued to be herself  because I gave her the oxygen she needed to be so. The more I fanned the flame, the more my ass was burnt! It became an invidious circle. And I became totally enmeshed in the circle going nowhere! My pain existed because I insisted upon it doing so! She couldn't be her nasty NPD self, unless she had someone like me to tolerate her! The more I'd tolerate it, the worse she'd become! Crazy I know.....but it's that simple!

I think most of us eventually reach the summit of our pain, the top of our mountain, I did! The hardest thing for me to accept, was actually the easiest. Instead of fixing her....understanding her....... my only need was in accepting that I had a problem. Why was I putting up with all of this.....when was I going to accept that it would never work.......and what was I going to do about me? So the long fight back to retake control of my mind....the mind I had vacated at the behest of another, began.

I accepted it was over and I stopped being 'in' the relationship and wanting to be so.I stopped thinking of her.....and yes it took time. I stopped trying to reason and logically explain what had been going on between us. I identified the 'hooks' and removed them from the game board of our once relationship. Eventually I stopped being angry as to what I'd let her do to me. The more I occupied my time with other things, the less and less I thought of her. It became a sliding scale of time and distance.....until eventually, it reached zero! I stopped blaming her and took ownership of my own life again.

So the acceptance that the top of my mountain had been reached left me with only one direction to travel. The further down I went, the more the barron terraine changed as I started to hit the tree line. As time past and my journey continued, I started to deal with what had gotten me into this situation in the first place! She wasn't the core of my problem, I was! She had her own problem....but it wasn't mine! My problem was very different to hers and most definately mine. I didn't shut myself away from people, I just started to introduce the real me to myself! I wasn't trying to 'go' anywhere.....I just stopped for a time in the meadow as I moved further down the mountain.....I started to reach an inner peace.

Loathe me, like me....hell even love me, I embarked upon a relationship with myself.....and for the first time! I invested in me.  I'd seen a side to me that I'd never known existed. Yes it was not so good in part, but I could harness this and put it to much better use. I'd always be a recovering Co-Dep.....but a least I understood my condition and knew what was good and not so good for me. I value things more, I enjoy things more. I breathe, I live......I see and I smell.....and above all, I feel.

Life with a person who suffers from NPD is frenetic. fast, furious....exhausting......it's one long struggle. Outside of one, things slow down. Less quantity, more quality. The anger inside me is gone and as such, I can sit and enjoy the cherry tree leafs fluttering gently in the morning breeze. Stupid I know, but it's that simple! Letting go is perhaps the hardest thing to do, but in holding on, it isn't them that are to blame.....it's you! They have no idea of what they're doing.....you're the one on the receiving end and you definately do know better!

So sooner or later, your summit will draw near. It doesn't matter which path you take....all of them are downward. Trying to stay at the top and build your house.....well it's futile in a gale and will only prolong the inevitable. You have to let go.....and take care of you.....150 percent. Surround yourself with good people, but above all, never go back and in to the fire of the relationship with your NPD  spouse! Never!

[wildrain]

Life with a person who suffers from NPD is frenetic. fast, furious....exhausting......it's one long struggle. Outside of one, things slow down. Less quantity, more quality. The anger inside me is gone and as such, I can sit and enjoy the cherry tree leafs fluttering gently in the morning breeze. Stupid I know, but it's that simple! Letting go is perhaps the hardest thing to do, but in holding on, it isn't them that are to blame.....it's you! They have no idea of what they're doing.....you're the one on the receiving end and you definately do know better!

I think what your saying is true. BUT i am not so sure we know "better" We carry around with us our past,and we carry around with us are unresolved pain. It is sad that many of us have come form N families. We do not know how to heal and some of us didnt even know what we were going though or what was wrong with our lives. Some of us 'DO NOT KNOW BETTER"  we have never known anything else. It is called "condtioning" We only know or feel  that something didnt seem "right" in our familes or in our relatinships. We thought if we tried harder we could "fix" it.
I agree that N"s are sick and that they have no idea what they are doing. I view them as having a  serious mental illness and they make us sick as well.
I agree that letting go is very hard. I beleive it is because we have invested so much and it is hard to accept things WILL NOT CHANGE. We beleive we can change N's (with "enough" love) but we never will. (Again I beleive it is because in our famileis we wanted so much to be loved and couldnt do "enough" to get that love)
Everyone has there own demons to face. We all face them differently. I feel that accpetance does bring peace but it also brings pain for alot of what we feel is waisted time and energy. We fight the wind and we cant understand why it gets away from us. Im happy for you,that you have found some calm in what was great pain.
For me helping others that are without a voice (as in children and animals) helps me to heal and to see and be in reality. They are love without condtions. They are the reality we lose when we deal with N's and they are the ones that give to us so we can heal without asking for anything in return.In them we find the love that we missed and in finding that love we can give and heal without the fear that has engulfed our lives.
wildrain...

[Anonymous]

Hi Resolution and welcome:

my only need was in accepting that I had a problem. Why was I putting up with all of this.....when was I going to accept that it would never work.......and what was I going to do about me? So the long fight back to retake control of my mind....the mind I had vacated at the behest of another, began.

And the responsibility shifted back to you, right?  You took responsibility for your own behaviour and decided to work on changing it.

Good for you, Resolution!!  You stopped blaming and started doing something to help yourself!!  And I hear how it has paid off!!

That is great!  That is fantastic!!  And hopefully, you gained insight and some answers to the questions above, so that there will never be a repeat.   Thankyou for sharing.

GFN

[mum]

Resolution. Thank you for sharing your inspirations with us.  

I once told a group of fellow educators (years ago) that saving the self, was the only way we could save others.  I was challenged quite a bit from one woman (who didn't know me, but as a young "upstart" teacher, I was percieved as a threat, I guess).  I explained that it was like putting on our oxygen mask on the planes first.....that we are no help at all to our fellow humans if we are gasping for air ourselves!!
I was never quite forgiven  (or understood?) by that one lady but some really lasting friendships grew from that meeting, and that early part of my teaching career.
I don't see selfishness in what you say. I doubt very much you have become a self centered ogre.... (not that anyone said that.).  I would be willing to bet you are as good a friend and caring person as you ever were.....but better.  
So keep posting, please, your excitement and energy is wonderful.

[Resolution]

I've read a number of threads on here and one familiar theme constantly jumps from my screen reminding me of a time when I was very troubled. I was looking for answers and was very angered by what this person was, or should I say had, being done to me. All of my energies were focused upon her and what she had done to me and why. I'd endlessly go back and forth in my mind to find the logical and rational reasons for it all. But in doing so, I missed the obvious.....and it really was staring me in the face!

She is an Narcissist with NPD, no doubts about it! But as with most people with serious disorders, she couldn't help herself, let alone even see it! She was oblivious to her illness, there was nothing wrong with her....nothing at all! For her, I was the person who needed help....and you know what, she was right! Being exposed to someone with NPD for a long time will almost certainly leave one in a state of mental exhaustion.....and a lot more! My point being simple. She couldn't change, but I damn well could as I didn't have her illness!

I read so many threads from troubled souls who remind me fully of were I once was. Questioning, searching, stressed and in pain....constantly! My nightmare stopped when I switched off the light....her! The switch had always been near my hand, but I'd failed to notice it. It was there, right in front of me.....so much so, it was background. But the moment I switched it off, I could finally fall asleep and get some much needed rest so to speak.

The power is in our hands and not theirs! We can change things, they can't and wouldn't even if they could anyway.

[mudpuppy]

Greetings Resolution,

I admire your optimism and your ability to leach the poison from your system.
However every person's experience and circumstance is different.

It sounds as though you weren't raised by an N. If you weren't, then you may not realize just how pervasive and pernicious the effects of childhood abuse by an N can be.
Secondly it sounds as though you do not share a child with an N so you may not realize just how difficult it is to turn off 'the switch' as you call it when the switch is able to use a parents love for their child as a continuing weapon in the war Ns love to wage.

In my particuar case I was neither raised by an N nor married to one, so I will eventually have the same option as you to disengage from my N completely.

But I think you may be a little unrealistic at the options available to those most vulnerable to the damaging effects of the Ns in their lives. Those being the children of Ns and those married to and sharing children with them.
If you are in one of those categories and you have somehow just turned the switch off, so to speak, then I can assure you there are a lot of people here who will want to know how you did it.

And don't get me wrong, I'm very glad you've been able to disconnect and heal from whoever this person was. That is a tremendous achievment. But I'm not sure it can be translated to every situation here, or even most of them, unfortunately.

mudpup