Oh Portia - I was so mad at you when you dumped my email onto the forum, well - your reply anyway...and here I am feeling silly and affectionate again.

Do you remember the thread when we tried to ratchet up the numbers and Wildflower joined in? Oh and I was so close to 500 posts when I left. I would've been the first back then. Aw shucks! I'm still so stubborn - if I'm going, I'm going even if it means I miss out on something I want...!!!

Interesting what you read in Alice Miller. It's exactly how it happened 'cept I know what it was - and it was quite odd. I was having a total wobble! Therp had said something which I'd challenged, then she'd denied she said it so I was in a total panic about my mother running rings around me and not being sure if it was me or her who was REALLY the loony one! Choosing to stand in my own reality, I rather helplessly, hopelessly, dejectedly told the therp that she'd 'fudged' it.

And she said : I wouldn't do that because I know it would send you into a spin.
Huh? What? Panic-stricken burrowing of small animal suddenly stops. One eye opens. Huh? What? You do? You did? You would? Said small animal peeps out from behind hands covering face...
Several weeks later I told her about that experience - I wanted her to know that it had been such an amazing pivotal moment. I was sure she had no idea - in principle it was a moment when EVERYTHING was going wrong! And I'm glad I did want her to have that knowledge as a 'gift' because in talking about it I suddenly realised 'why'.
Because my mother never would have stopped to say 'I wouldn't do that'. She'd never have the compassion to care about sending me 'into a spin'. In fact, it's her delight to do so. It means she's safe at my expense. And here was someone saying 'I wouldn't do that'. And i know she wouldn't. (Even if she did!)

Ach - don't ask for logic. I kow there are illogicalities in there but...what works, works!
I find it odd when people say (as you did once) 'Can't you catch (the projective identification) and say 'no thanks'' - cos truly no, I can't - and I can't imagine how anyone can. Perhaps I'm more vulnerable to it and/or perhaps there are reasons for that. And yet - if the whole thing happens at an unconscious level, I'm not clear how you can. But something has changed - proper boundaries perhaps? I don't even have to catch it, the experience now is as of two ends of separate magnets repulsing rather than attracting!! haha - I'm no longer a black hole into which all her 'stuff' can disappear. And THAT is probably what has forced her to sit up and take notice. That and my intention that all these nearest and dearest are going to have to VALUE me from now on.
I do have some things to value.

Honesty for one. The number of times I've now told my H that he's wrong about his perceptions about me "'cos I'm just not like that"!

He's almost as paranoid about my intentions as my mother is!!! I do feel a lot 'lighter' without all their negativity weighing me down. "Sorry, not mine - you can have it back, dear"!
Oh dear - now look how late it is again! Nearly 1am. That's the problem with prattling on...
Hey bunny - I saw elsewhere that you're a hero, too!!!

TTFN
R