On loving and leaving MEN! (Part II)

[Portia]

Hiya Rosencrantz, lovely to see you , whenever.

One of her best shots was to scream at me I am "evil, EVIL" as I kept both feet firmly planted in reality during a telephone conversation. 

Good for you. That’s very hurtful stuff. She’s quite mad, you know that . Living in a totally different reality to the rest if us. I’m so sorry R.

She can keep those purple clouds with yellow spots (for those who remember!

I remember

but made it clear she was apologising for saying it and that she still thought it was true

Narcissism I think. No real apology, ever! Not in their dictionary, in their hard-wiring. I’ve not had a real apology either. I ain’t waiting on one though, not now.

I'm not sure that I ever want to have 'functional' sex ever again tho! 

We can be a club of two! Anyone else want to join? It sure clears your head for thinking when you don’t have the rough and tumble to constantly think about. It has benefits!

So glad to hear about you and your son. And your H’s therapy. It’s all slowly working out it seems and yes, there is light. But it still gets overcast from time to time…..it’s always difficult I think? I don’t see lots of blissfully content people on the planet…anywhere…

But it seems it's the therapy that's finally fixed all that!!

  I’ve been reading heavy duty Alice Miller. Apparently when therapy does work she says, it happens – the dumping of the anxieties, the neuroses, the compulsions – it happens like it all “disappears” overnight. No working at it, no thinking – more like a realisation and mental adjustment (gear shift I say) that we probably aren’t aware of as it happens. The brain truly is amazing.

And I will not be bringing her back with me!

 

You are a HERO member!

Hero/schmero! I think you get hero status with 500 posts…..only another 7 to go for you! Come on R, I want you to be a hero too (as you already are missus). I’m rooting in a new race called the R500! Can I ride a big Triumph Bonneville as R comes in to her 500th post? Oh perlease…? I have the champers on ice….

[rosencrantz]

Oh Portia - I was so mad at you when you dumped my email onto the forum, well - your reply anyway...and here I am feeling silly and affectionate again.    Do you remember the thread when we tried to ratchet up the numbers and Wildflower joined in? Oh and I was so close to 500 posts when I left.  I would've been the first back then. Aw shucks!  I'm still so stubborn - if I'm going, I'm going even if it means I miss out on something I want...!!!

Interesting what you read in Alice Miller.  It's exactly how it happened 'cept I know what it was - and it was quite odd.  I was having a total wobble!  Therp had said something which I'd challenged, then she'd denied she said it so I was in a total panic about my mother running rings around me and not being sure if it was me or her who was REALLY the loony one! Choosing to stand in my own reality, I  rather helplessly, hopelessly, dejectedly told the therp that she'd 'fudged' it.   

And she said : I wouldn't do that because I know it would send you into a spin.

Huh?  What?  Panic-stricken burrowing of small animal suddenly stops.  One eye opens.  Huh?  What?  You do? You did? You would?  Said small animal peeps out from behind hands covering face...

Several weeks later I told her about that experience - I wanted her to know that it had been such an amazing pivotal moment.  I was sure she had no idea - in principle it was a moment when EVERYTHING was going wrong!  And I'm glad I did want her to have that knowledge as a 'gift' because in talking about it I suddenly realised 'why'.

Because my mother never would have stopped to say 'I wouldn't do that'.  She'd never have the compassion to care about sending me 'into a spin'.  In fact, it's her delight to do so.  It means she's safe at my expense.  And here was someone saying 'I wouldn't do that'.  And i know she wouldn't. (Even if she did!)

Ach - don't ask for logic.  I kow there are illogicalities in there but...what works, works!

I find it odd when people say (as you did once) 'Can't you catch (the projective identification) and say 'no thanks'' - cos truly no, I can't - and I can't imagine how anyone can.  Perhaps I'm more vulnerable to it and/or perhaps there are reasons for that. And yet - if the whole thing happens at an unconscious level, I'm not clear how you can.  But something has changed - proper boundaries perhaps?  I don't even have to catch it, the experience now is as of two ends of separate magnets repulsing rather than attracting!!  haha - I'm no longer a black hole into which all her 'stuff' can disappear.  And THAT is probably what has forced her to sit up and take notice.  That and my intention that all these nearest and dearest are going to have to VALUE me from now on.

I do have some things to value.     Honesty for one. The number of times I've now told my H that he's wrong about his perceptions about me "'cos I'm just not like that"!     He's almost as paranoid about my intentions as my mother is!!!  I do feel a lot 'lighter' without all their negativity weighing me down.  "Sorry, not mine - you can have it back, dear"!

Oh dear - now look how late it is again! Nearly 1am.  That's the problem with prattling on...

Hey bunny - I saw elsewhere that you're a hero, too!!!

TTFN
R