Hope, are you out there?

[hope2003]

Thanks everyone.  Off I go........

[I_am_mine]

Hope, thanks for the update.  I'm going to keep sending positive thoughts your way...I have a feeling things will turn out as they should, and you and your children will (hopefully) be settled and happy soon.

I, too have a bit of a problem with the back-and-forthing - but not with anyone else.  Just some thoughts on my own learning process.

Being voiceless for so long (48 yrs), there's so much pent-up in my head, my heart, and my gut, that sometimes it just BURSTS out and I don't know how to control it.  I'm trying to learn to use my voice appropriately, add some "finesse", if that makes sense.

I find that sometimes, especially about things I feel VERY strongly about, or in moments of intense anger/emotion, I revert to communicating in exactly the same way my Ndad communicated...and that's very scary to me.  Sometimes I don't even recognize it til after everything's over and done with...and all I can do is apologize and promise to really work on not doing it again.

Sometimes my voice still comes out like a whisper (but at least it comes out).  After so many years of all of being denied our true selves, and our true feelings, IMHO (only speaking for myself) it takes some time and practice to figure out how to totally change myself around.  Sometimes I screw up, more times than I'd like to admit - and sometimes I feel I have the right to screw up, cause that's how I was raised - it's almost a feeling of revenge  

But, when I screw up, it's usually with the wrong people, the ones who don't deserve it, and who count on me not to be N-ish.  The more aware I am of what's coming out of my mouth, and how the recipient perceives it, the more aware I am of when/how I screw up, so maybe there's hope.

I'm not trying to get anything started again, just wanted to explain part of my own process, so if I offend anyone here, I hope they let me know, so I can make amends.

Everyone has a different style, and we are all trying to improve and better ourselves, and the support on this board is wonderful!

Just wanted to say I appreciate everyone here, and I'm thinking of Hope...she deserves so much better, and I hope she gets it soon.

bobbie

[hope2003]

Bobbie:  

I appreciate your positive thoughts on my hearing.

I think your comments on your voice were/are very insightful.  My guess is you summed up many of our thoughts, including mine
.
Perhaps the lesson is that we need to cut each other a little more slack.  When somebody communicates in a way that it offensive, it could be gently pointed out rather than overt criticism.  

We are all here to heal, and to learn.  We should all be gentle in our approach.

Thanks for some great insight.

[I_am_mine]

Bobbie:  

I appreciate your positive thoughts on my hearing.

And I will continue to send them to you - every day!    

We are all here to heal, and to learn.  We should all be gentle in our approach.

Thanks for some great insight.

No special insight - we've all been robbed of so much for so long, and we're all trying so hard to get back what's been taken from us, and all I know is that I haven't learned all the "right" ways to get myself back yet.  Everyone's journeys and experiences are different, some are gentle, some are blunt, some are very protective of others because of what they've gone thru.  

Of course there will be disagreements, but that's part of what we're here for - to learn to disagree in a civilized manner.  I can't speak of anyone else's process, just my own - and I know I can get downright ugly sometimes - not that I mean to, but there are so many things locked in me that are SCREAMING to get out, and I don't always do it  in a civilized manner.

Again, I'm not commenting on anyone else's posts here, just my own feelings and reactions.  Unfortunately, being a total newbie on the other board, I jumped in with both feet, and hesitate to post there because I think I offended some of the other members.  They don't know me, to them I could just be a jerk (which is true, sometimes).

I have this problem with patience - I want things to be fixed NOW, I want your hearing to be all done with a positive outcome, I want to know I haven't harmed my boys for their future lives, I just want to NORMAL, RIGHT NOW!

(Uh-oh - is that magic thinking i hear?)    

Take care, Hope - you deserve all the good things in life, and I have a feeling you're strong enough to get them!

bobbie

[Clueless]

Hey bobbie,

What you said about SCREAMING (still don't know how to quote properly) that's what I meant by haemorrhaging: that's what it feels like sometimes when I want to talk - all I can do is unleash my thoughts and feelings (usually about things in the past) onto other people - horrible! As for wanting to be NORMAL RIGHT NOW - preach on sister! I am so fed up with  how long my life has been s**t that I want everything fixed RIGHT NOW! Arggh!

[Anonymous]

Hi, this is Star,
I understand what you guys are saying. We need to give ourself a break sometimes, actually more than sometimes. I sucked wind for so long while walking on eggshells with my xN husband, that I became unaccustomed to being real. We've allowed a gazillion acts of inapproprieteness, meanness, dimmissing, hurtfulness, you name it, from our N's, yet feel bad when we're not perfect. At least I catch myself doing that. So, hey, let's enjoy being human...and fallable.
Hope, How did your hearing go? Have a good Thanksgiving, all of you. My kitchen smells awesome...  The emoticon isn't working for me, but I'm smiling.

[hope2003]

Star:

The hearing went o.k.  It is hard to know what she will decide.  It is somewhat unusual for a Judge to change their mind, but we showed her an "error of law" and it does happen.

The interesting part was that the Judge asked to speak to the lawyers privately after the hearing.  The Judge told the lawyers that she would not be putting my kids in an apartment, and that she thought that this was a case where a substantial deviation from the child support guidelines was in order.  She clearly didn't like the N's motion to have me vacate the house by December 31, give him all of the cars, the furniture, art, etc.  However, I have learned not to rely on anything until it is in writing.  I have been burned too many times.  Also, I don't know what she considers substantial.  To keep up my kids' "lifestyle" would require huge money. I am too embarrassed to say how much it costs to keep things going around here.   But, that is the law.  The kids are entitled to the life that they would have had if the marriage had stayed intact, and this is one of those rare situations when it can be done.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday.