I am a newbie poster on this board here. I have been lurking and feel a definite sense of belonging. I am learning to find my voice and set boundaries, but it is always a struggle...sometimes one step back for every two steps forwards.
It is darn hard to find a good therapist; I looked for one for years. Both my parents were abusive alcoholic Ns. I am also an incest survivor. I grew up in what amounted to a psychological concentration camp. When I was 19, I attempted suicide because I was flooded with shame, pain and memories. I saw a psychiatrist for a year and a half after that and never mentioned the incest. I simply did not feel safe enough to do so, especially since this T was working primarily from the Freudian model and knew both of my parents as fine upstanding citizens. I knew if I ever told him the truth that I would end up in an institution. That was back in 1967. I was taught to "cope", which was a way of keeping me silent and voiceless....a good girl, as it were.
Years later, when I was forty, after separating from my N and alcoholic first husband, I finally found a great therapist. She was very confrontational and gave me many assignments, including one that caused me to break with my terribly dysfunctional family. Those assignments saved my life. Then my insurance changed and I had to see someone else, who was also a fantastic therapist and very nurturing, which was exactly what I needed at the time. I badly needed reparenting. My insurance changed again and I ended up with a terrible therapist that wanted me to lie about the billing! Now my insurance does not pay for therapy....basically just for medication, which I don't need.
Well, when you still need therapy and have unresolved issues, what do you do? One thing that has worked for me is support groups. If it weren't for peer support, I don't think I'd have made it. There is something about sitting in a room with people who have gone through the exact same things you have and realizing that not only are they alive, but they are trying to heal and to learn to thrive. I have found the groups more helpful than one-on-one therapy, even better than the two fantastic therapists I had. I guess I look at support groups as a form of free or cheap therapy. I have been to many, including grief, couples and pet loss workshops. Not one of them has been a waste of time.
I am a recovering alcoholic with 18 years of sobriety in AA. I also joined Al-Anon to deal with growing up in an alcoholic home. I used to think I was cursed to grow up in an alcoholic environment....and then to become one myself felt like a terrible blow. Now I think of it as a blessing because it got me used to going to groups and asking for help, taking my problems to a group and hearing some wisdom. A good 12-Step meeting never gives advice, either. People talk about how they have dealt with their problems. In a good meeting, the compassion and the honesty is almost palpable. I like 12-Step meetings because generally everyone has a chance to talk and there is no cross talk or interrupting, so even the most timid person can be heard in a respectful environment. For those of us who have trouble finding our voices, this is a very safe environment. I particularly like ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholic) meetings
My dear husband (number 2...I picked the opposite of what I'd known before) is not an alcoholic or an N...and is not from an alcoholic home...but he has gone to Al-Anon and ACOA for years because he finds the 12-Step program helps him with his issues from growing up in a dysfunctional home. The issues are the same; even though his parents never drank, his family was just as whacked out as mine. His dad was a N MD and his mom was totally co-dependent. So anyone can go to Al-Anon; no one there is going to ask you for your alcoholic trauma bona fides...lol. A full-blown N is just as toxic and crazy as a practicing alcoholic. My hubby was a "lost child" and he has had to really struggle to find his voice. He loves Al-Anon because it feels safe to him.
He also has some therapy horror stories.
We both have many friends and acquaintances who go to Al-Anon and ACOA with no alcoholism in their backgrounds. All of us would like to have better therapy options, too, but with HMO's and limitation of mental health benefits, we are all struggling with finding patchwork methods of getting help.
