After my sister left. She had no one to pick on but me and my brother. She used mind games and pinned us against each other. If she was happy with one of us (for no apparent reason) she would buy us stuff and ignore the other one. We weren't allowed to be friends with each other but didn't have opportunity to have many friends outside of the house either. She wanted us to be loyal to her and her alone. She would act like our best friends one minute and like we were less then a bug the next. We grew up constantly trying to please her and getting her love - which she loved to withhold. She compared us to her biological children saying why can't you be more like so and so, she put them so far up on a pedestal that we grew up wanted to be like them and not feeling good enough being ourselves.
She sang the song Just the Two of Us when there were three of us there to show her favoritism... bringing my little brother litterally to tears. I still hate every fiber of her being when I think of then.
I started to look for my sister after my 2nd child died. Most of my family including my mom knew of my wishes to find her. After two months of banging my head against the wall, much emotional drama, and screaming to each family member about how mad I was that my mom knew stuff she wouldn't give up. My mom finally (after being threatened by my dad) told me that my sister was dead. Had committed suicide at age 22. My mom knew for a year an a half. Almost my entire family knew for a year an a half, but couldn't tell be because of my mom.
During my 2nd child's life - who was born with a birth defect and was sick the whole 22 months of her life - my mother who claimed to care and be a support & lived in town (unlike most of the family) - ignored my child unless others were around - was never there physically to help out with our other child or anything when needed - which was all the time.
I finally begged my mom to come get the older one - the favorite (who was 4) the day I had to put my sick daughter on oxygen (a wk before she died) so that she could get out of the house and be a kid for a few hours. Both myself and my husband needed to tend to our dying child. It really took two people at that point to care for her. My mom reluctantly came, but when she got there she picked a fight with me and I ended up getting very upset (understandably considering I was holding my sick kid) I yelled at my mom and kicked her out of my house.
After my 2nd died, my mom took the older one for us but my husband and I were literally alone from the next day until four days later the night before the service. Which BTW my husband and I just at age 25 had to plan and pay for pretty much all of that with an income of about $40,000.
Anytime I brought up dead child's name I was either ignored or told that I love my dead child more than my living child and I was obsessed and should get over it.
I had another child later and the entire first year my mom would want to see just the older one. I tried to gently encourage her to spend time with the baby but my mom refused making up this excuse or that. Finally I put my foot down and said that we weren't going to continue to allow the favortism and that the oldest was beginning to ask why "Nana doesn't like my sister". My mom's husband basically told us that the baby was not old enough to get to know because she didn't walk or talk. BS!. My mom was attached to the older one from day 1 (she babysat all the time when older daughter was a baby)
That was the beginning of our non relationship until:
My brother died. BTW even though my mom tried real hard she never succeeded in keeping us apart for good. He was my little bro and I would and did do anything for him. When my husband got the call about my bros death, he couldn't even make out what she had said. Just knew it was about my bro. I remember saying he better be dead. Of course I didn't really mean that. I was just pissed because I thought she was using him to pull me in because she had been trying to get me to come back. I took off (10pm) and drove to her house. I got there expecting to see a cop or ambulance in the drive. I didn't. When I asked her what was wrong and she told me he was dead, he had jumped off the hotel building where he was working; I held my mom and was there for her for 2 weeks. My husband and I helped a whole lot in the planning for his service. My mom, I guess cared so much about my brother that she, just couldn't make up her mind about anything and wanted everyone else to do everything for her. They used ALL our ideas and plans for our daughter for my brother. Which pisses my husband and I off. Because A) my brother deserved better then a copy cat memorial service and B) my husband and I put a lot of thought and time into planning our daughter's service just to have the whole thing borrowed.
I still have called my mom on the day of his death anniversary both years. She never once (even to this day) has recognized my daughter, my grief, or how she was not there for me and treated me after the fact. I stopped being there for my mom when 2 weeks after my brother's death she would cry saying all the things that I had said or felt about my daughter's death and acting as if her loss was worse than mine. I couldn't take it anymore. The last straw was when she cried to me about my dad's wife sending my brother's death certificate in the mail to my mom without a note or anything else with it. She said "you just don't know how it feels to get your child's death certificate in the mail from your ex-husband's wife". I didn't expect that, blah blah blah. Please. Like I didn't get my daughter's death cerificate in the mail? How about the feeling of making the decision to Do Not Resicitate. Decisions of to allow surgeries and which ones. To be told your child is going to die if I don't find a second surgical opinion? UGH UGH SCREAM AHHHHHH
Really my mom never knew what I went through with my daughter. Most people don't and never will. They hear that she died and they know that it's awful. They think about that moment. I took care of a termianally chronically severally ill child for 17 months mostly alone. IV fluids, IV antibiotics, G-tubes, NG tubes, ER trips, surgeries, therapys, x-rays, dr appointments, insurance fights, internet research so on and so on. I trained many nurses in her care. Not only all of that but I was the only person in the family that would allow myself to get close to her emotionally, including my husband. Everyone knew she was sick and emotionally distanced themselves from her. I made a concious decision to love her with all my heart knowing one day she wouldn't be there for me to hold, kiss, smell and smile at. I held her the day she died while she reached out saying "MUMU" not wanting to leave me. While she struggled with the pain and we couldn't give her anything for it. I begged her for days to give up and let go. I couldn't stand to see her in that pain.