just another guilt trip

[luvmyjacks]

 I got a package from my n-mom today for my 3 yr old for her birthday which was 6/26
In it was a note:

I decided to go ahead & mail X's birthday presents since summer is almost over and she may not be able to use the clothing much longer.  I thought we'd get to see her sooner.-
Love,
      Mom
 
It's like what BS!  The last time I talked to her was 7/15 on my brother's anniversary date (the anniversary of the day he died).  I called her to make sure she was alright and to make sure she knew that someone cared.  (After losing a child myself I know how much that can mean) I talked to her for an hour mostly about dogs b/c I had just gotten my 2nd JRT the day before.  She didn't once mention seeing the kids or having presents for my daughter during that conversation.  My mom has my address, my email address, and my cell phone # (I know she has caller ID and I called her from my home # so she could easily have that as well)
 
She saw the kids for X-mas last year and hasn't once since asked to see them not during our few email conversations (which I started for her birthday), she has not called me at all.  Whatever!  It just makes me so mad. 

I know that she cries to all our family that I am so mean that I keep her from seeing her precious grand-daughter.  (the older one b/c she could care less about the younger one) It's another attempt of hers to make me feel guilty.  I know that I shouldn't even bother to get mad, but I am.
 
How dare she act like the victim?!!!
 
After x-mas, we got into a huge blowout on the phone a couple of weeks later.  I even brought up my sister (which is completely off limits in our family) and how she kept me from seeing her after she sent her away and how we weren't allowed to bring her up or anything.  She said that I was too young to understand what was going on.  I said that I'm 30 now so I'm not too young now.  It didn't go too well to say the least.  I told her that I have a right to have pictures of my sister, brother, & I and anything to do with our adoption. 
 
I got a package less then a week later with every type of picture you could think of...but surprise surprise...no picture with sister in it at all.  Then she sent me the psych eval. of my sister that they did when my mom wanted to give her up.  It confirmed everything that I had already heard...They said that my sister was a loving bright young girl that came to the family fully capable of transitioning but my mom didn't like her because she was intraverted and my mom wanted her "to be like the rest of us". 
 
They told my mom that intraverts generally stay that way all through out their lives.  Like DUH! They said that she had an extreamly high IQ and it was only because of her ability to fantize and withdraw into herself that she was doing as well as she was.  They said that my mother was dystroying my sister's self esteem that she was blaming all the family's problems on herself.  It made her suicidal. 

I was so upset when I read it.  I don't even understand why my mom would allow anyone to read it.  She apparently read it a whole lot different then I did. Not only do I hate my mom for everything; how she treated my sister, and for me not getting to grow up and know my sister, also, I was so mad that the authorities allowed what happened to happen.  It was obviously in my sister's best interest to get out of the house & away from my mom - but to allow her to continue to think it was all her fault and to take her away from me and our little bro. 
 
Now, I wonder if there was anything I could have done that would have made things better.  Maybe, if I had been more loyal to my sister and not tried to get my mom's approval.  If I had advocated for myself and little brother to stay in contact.  I know that I was young and can't be blamed for what my mom did...it's just now both my sister and my brother are dead (they both committed suicide).  I'm still here.  I wish they were too.

Of course it wouldn't help at all to address any feelings with my family. I just have to bury it, I suppose.  It's not like grief support groups or therapy will ever make me feel any different about any of it.

Thanks for listening

[jordanspeeps]

with no real social tools, in her warped mind, she probably thought she was really reaching out to you and your daughter, maybe her cryptic way of thanks for remembering her birthday and your brother's anniversary. don't let the contradiction get you too upset. 'a compliment wrapped in shit', that's the Nmother's modus operandi.  you're a great person for reaching out to her after all she's done to you.  and what a survivor you are to have lived through such awfulness. kudos to you.

tiffany

[miss piggy]

Hello L,

I have read your story and my heart goes out to you.  You are something of a "special sibling".  I mean, you are a survivor of a family member's suicide.  This is pretty serious stuff.  Please don't bury it.  There are many people who can help you come to terms with all this pain.  You are right in that you probably cannot talk to your family about it.  Their own feelings and defenses and distorted thinking will get in the way of whatever you have to get out of your system. 

Try a support group re suicide and/or dysfunctional families and then decide if they can or cannot help you.  I agree that I would not go to a regular grief support group.  Good luck to you.  Post more if it helps.  MP

[Plucky]

wow, I'm getting angry at your mom just reading this. My mother pulls the same crap.  She goes on and on in a martyred voice about how she does not know when she is ever going to see the children, meanwhile she turned her nose up at the house we offered her adjacent to ours and moved across the country.....then when she was packing to move again I offered to travel there with my 2 small children, stay in a hotel and rent a car (in response to her manipulation), and she said that she didn't need my help and that she *might* be able to see us a couple of hours each day.  When I canceled the trip that gave her more ammo.

I see I have hijacked the thread to be all about me.  Sorry....

Your mom probably feels guilty for not even thinking about your daughter all that time.  So now she has to make it into, you denying her visits that she, as a wonderful nurturing grandma, would love to have.  You bad little thing, you are hurting her and her lovely grandchild.

Just ignore that nonsense.  You know there is not a grain of truth in it.   And if you want to reject her gift, go ahead.  If I have to look at a gift that came with a lot of baggage, it just makes my blood boil.  Well not boil, let's say, simmer.  So feel free to toss it.  If she asks, say it was too small and you gave it to some poor children in an orphanage who had been kicked out of their adoptive families for no good reason...ok maybe that is going a bit too far.

I'm not sure I would bother analysing or trying to find some redeeming speck in the pile of bs she dumped on you.   I find that with my mom, the best defence is a good offence.  It takes so much energy to try and find something good in there.  Remember the laws pf physics - all the energy you have to expend to dig out the 'nice' particle of matter in her everest of crap, she spent that same amount of energy hiding it in there so you'd have to look for it!  (Maybe not consciously, but so what!)   I would just deflect the entire thing and forget about it.

I'm not trying to be flippant and my heart really feels for what you have been through.  And it makes me angry, probably because I understand too well your mother's tricks.  Please accept my support and encouragement, however badly I've expressed it!

Plucky

[amethyst]

((((Luvmyjacks))))

I am so sorry that you lost both your brother and your sister. I wish they still were here too. Your mother sounds like an extremely manipulative person and cruel person.  I am glad though that she sent you that report and that it confirms for you that you were right all along. I agree with you that your mother must have interpreted it in a very "unique" fashion.

You have had so much heartbreak and loss. I know it can be hard to face that we will never get the validation or the truth from our N parents, but that's how it is.

There is no way that you as a small child would have had the power to influence a different outcome. Please don't beat yourself up for that. 

[luvmyjacks]

After my sister left.  She had no one to pick on but me and my brother.  She used mind games and pinned us against each other.  If she was happy with one of us (for no apparent reason) she would buy us stuff and ignore the other one.  We weren't allowed to be friends with each other but didn't have opportunity to have many friends outside of the house either.  She wanted us to be loyal to her and her alone.  She would act like our best friends one minute and like we were less then a bug the next.  We grew up constantly trying to please her and getting her love - which she loved to withhold.  She compared us to her biological children saying why can't you be more like so and so, she put them so far up on a pedestal that we grew up wanted to be like them and not feeling good enough being ourselves.
She sang the song Just the Two of Us when there were three of us there to show her favoritism... bringing my little brother litterally to tears.  I still hate every fiber of her being when I think of then.
 
I started to look for my sister after my 2nd child died.  Most of my family including my mom knew of my wishes to find her.  After two months of banging my head against the wall, much emotional drama, and screaming to each family member about how mad I was that my mom knew stuff she wouldn't give up. My mom finally (after being threatened by my dad) told me that my sister was dead.  Had committed suicide at age 22.  My mom knew for a year an a half.  Almost my entire family knew for a year an a half, but couldn't tell be because of my mom.
 
During my 2nd child's life - who was born with a birth defect and was sick the whole 22 months of her life - my mother who claimed to care and be a support & lived in town (unlike most of the family) - ignored my child unless others were around - was never there physically to help out with our other child or anything when needed -  which was all the time.
I finally begged my mom to come get the older one - the favorite (who was 4) the day I had to put my sick daughter on oxygen (a wk before she died) so that she could get out of the house and be a kid for a few hours.  Both myself and my husband needed to tend to our dying child.  It really took two people at that point to care for her.  My mom reluctantly came, but when she got there she picked a fight with me and I ended up getting very upset (understandably considering I was holding my sick kid) I yelled at my mom and kicked her out of my house. 
After my 2nd died, my mom took the older one for us but my husband and I were literally alone from the next day until four days later the night before the service.  Which BTW my husband and I just at age 25 had to plan and pay for pretty much all of that with an income of about $40,000.
Anytime I brought up dead child's name I was either ignored or told that I love my dead child more than my living child and I was obsessed and should get over it.
 
I had another child later and the entire first year my mom would want to see just the older one.  I tried to gently encourage her to spend time with the baby but my mom refused making up this excuse or that.  Finally I put my foot down and said that we weren't going to continue to allow the favortism and that the oldest was beginning to ask why "Nana doesn't like my sister".  My mom's husband basically told us that the baby was not old enough to get to know because she didn't walk or talk.  BS!.  My mom was attached to the older one from day 1 (she babysat all the time when older daughter was a baby)
 
That was the beginning of our non relationship until:
 
My brother died.  BTW even though my mom tried real hard she never succeeded in keeping us apart for good. He was my little bro and I would and did do anything for him.  When my husband got the call about my bros death, he couldn't even make out what she had said.  Just knew it was about my bro.  I remember saying he better be dead.  Of course I didn't really mean that.  I was just pissed because I thought she was using him to pull me in because she had been trying to get me to come back.  I took off (10pm) and drove to her house.  I got there expecting to see a cop or ambulance in the drive.  I didn't.  When I asked her what was wrong and she told me he was dead, he had jumped off the hotel building where he was working; I held my mom and was there for her for 2 weeks.  My husband and I helped a whole lot in the planning for his service.  My mom, I guess cared so much about my brother that she, just couldn't make up her mind about anything and wanted everyone else to do everything for her.  They used ALL our ideas and plans for our daughter for my brother.  Which pisses my husband and I off.  Because A) my brother deserved better then a copy cat memorial service and B) my husband and I put a lot of thought and time into planning our daughter's service just to have the whole thing borrowed.
 
I still have called my mom on the day of his death anniversary both years.  She never once (even to this day) has recognized my daughter, my grief, or how she was not there for me and treated me after the fact.  I stopped being there for my mom when 2 weeks after my brother's death she would cry saying all the things that I had said or felt about my daughter's death and acting as if her loss was worse than mine.  I couldn't take it anymore.  The last straw was when she cried to me about my dad's wife sending my brother's death certificate in the mail to my mom without a note or anything else with it.  She said "you just don't know how it feels to get your child's death certificate in the mail from your ex-husband's wife".  I didn't expect that, blah blah blah.  Please.  Like I didn't get my daughter's death cerificate in the mail?  How about the feeling of making the decision to Do Not Resicitate.  Decisions of to allow surgeries and which ones.  To be told your child is going to die if I don't find a second surgical opinion?  UGH UGH SCREAM AHHHHHH

Really my mom never knew what I went through with my daughter.  Most people don't and never will.  They hear that she died and they know that it's awful.  They think about that moment.  I took care of a termianally chronically severally ill child for 17 months mostly alone.  IV fluids, IV antibiotics, G-tubes, NG tubes, ER trips, surgeries, therapys, x-rays, dr appointments, insurance fights, internet research so on and so on.  I trained many nurses in her care.  Not only all of that but I was the only person in the family that would allow myself to get close to her emotionally, including my husband.  Everyone knew she was sick and emotionally distanced themselves from her.  I made a concious decision to love her with all my heart knowing one day she wouldn't be there for me to hold, kiss, smell and smile at.  I held her the day she died while she reached out saying "MUMU" not wanting to leave me.  While she struggled with the pain and we couldn't give her anything for it.  I begged her for days to give up and let go.  I couldn't stand to see her in that pain. 
 

[luvmyjacks]

  to everyone for their support, understanding, kind words and thoughts.  Thank you all for listening and being here when I need it. 

Hugs
luvmyjacks

[Plucky]

dear luv,
you need a hug.  you have a lot of pain and anger inside (rightfully so) towards your mother.  Just from what you have already related, she is not worth your attention.  My advice would be to only pay as much attention, or should I say duty, to her as you feel absolutely obligated to pay so that you won't feel bad and it won't cause other problems.  Make sure your heart is not in it.

I think I can safely say your mother is not capable of feeling for anyone, not even a baby!  What kind of 'person' could she be?  If she complains about not being around the children, that should make you silently count your blessings.  She is not the right kind of person you want around your kids.

There is so much in your post I do not know where to start.  You've been through so much, and the result is a person who is sensitive and caring and nurturing to her children.  That is practically a miracle.  I did read the whole thing and I know there is more coming.  Let it all out.  We are here to listen.  You are not ranting, even though it may seem so because you rarely get a chance to just let your thoughts and feelings out and be heard.   When you tell your story, you help others who have similar experiences to feel less alone.  You help others to find their own solutions by seeking solutions for you.  You give us a chance to help someone and feel good and connected.  And it helps you too.

Your mother has the rest of your family under her thumb. That is too bad.  But you do not need their validation.  That you can get here, from escaped members of dozens of other sick sad families that resemble yours in some way.

Keep plugging on and get your story out there.  When I do, it gives me a sense of peace.

(((((((((((((((((((((luv))))))))))))))))))

Plucky

 

[jordanspeeps]

i'm so affected by your story. i have a few comments i hope you can find helpful:
you said:
"She used mind games and pinned us against each other.  If she was happy with one of us (for no apparent reason) she would buy us stuff and ignore the other one.  We weren't allowed to be friends with each other but didn't have opportunity to have many friends outside of the house either.  She wanted us to be loyal to her and her alone.  She would act like our best friends one minute and like we were less then a bug the next.  We grew up constantly trying to please her and getting her love - which she loved to withhold"

my Nmother does this as well, so i understand the hunger that leaves you with, you yearn for a typical relationship with your siblings, you all make plays toward one another, seeking fun or happiness in whatever form it comes, but there she is looming, ready to break up any possibles connections being made with her judgemental lies and subtle criticisms.

and i agree with marta, you should initiate n/c immediately, not just for you, but more importantly for your child.  it may seem difficult at first, especially since your Nmother will probably go all over the top with some great crisis or even make the cruelest criticism she's ever made of you, but regardless, hold your guns, turn tail and run.  you're not running away, you're running towards a better mental life.  it won't undo the crap that's in your mind already, not the mention the timebombs she put in there set to go off at later dates in your life, it will stop any new damage and everybody knows that you have to stop the bleeding before you can heal.  it may seem cruel to your child, but the Nmother will sometimes use the grandkids to keep up on, pit against and get into your own head.  don't give her that power.  Do as the kids in my neighborhood and BE OUT!!

and,although i can relate to the illness, my daughter pulled through a life-threatening illness at the age of 2, i cannot relate to the death you've experienced. Your grief and sorrow is palpable. my heart aches for your situation.  In reality, i wouldn't be able to even hug someone in your pain for fear that it would transfer to me.  and that's probably the ignorance that caused you to suffer the illness and death of your child and siblings alone.  People fear that kind of sorrow. They're afraid that it will rub off into their own lives. We humans are so selfish that way.  But I'm glad I read your story, you need to unload it.  And you definitely need as many hugs as would help you.  i feel kind of goofy for doing for doing this but, ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((luvmyjacks)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

"save the pretty", sweetheart

tiffany

[luvmyjacks]

I can not say how very very grateful to absolutely everyone who read my post and responded to me.  I recieved so much support.  I have never felt more understood and welcome in all of my life.  Even when I have posted at this website before.  Maybe I did a better job telling my story or maybe I just got incredibly lucky with the members/posters that are around now.

I appoligize for not reading and getting back sooner.  Ya know how life can be.  9 yr old started school yesterday, dh & I had a hard time this past weekend, cleaning my house, you know how it goes.

I do have more to say and I feel so relieved to hear that the people here are welcoming that.  I don't get oportunities to talk about these things, especially ALL of it.  I have so much stuffed in there when I tell someone any of it; it seems unreal.  Like I can't believe it myself.  Then I get depressed and have a hard time that day or a couple of days b/c most days I just keep plugging away and half "forget" about it even though it's all in the background.

I don't even know if I'm explaining that right.  I don't want to come across as if I don't "deal" with these "bad" things and I'm unheathy or anything. I don't pretend it didn't happen or put my daughter or her death in a box in my attic. 
 
Yes they were my biological siblings and we were all adopted together.  They should not have allowed my adoptive parents to adopt at all - let alone 3 emotionally needy children AT THE SAME TIME.  I was 5, my little bro was 3 and my sister was nearly 7.  She was still grieving for our biological father whom she thought would come back for her one day. 
My mother kept her as the black sheep for 4 yrs before shipping her off for no one to here of again.

Our biological family obviously had issues and I'm sure that those issues play a role in the mental heath of myself and my siblings and their deaths.  I'm not convinced that b/c our biological mom was diagnosed w/ schizophenia & both parents had substance abuse problems that we all were destined to fail or die by suicide.  My biological mom is still alive (last I heard) and I don't know about my biological father.  We were taken away from our father after the mother left with another man and the dad was an alcoholic not able to stay sober and keep a job.  It was rumored that we lived in a car at some point, moving around quite often and grandparents were denied rights to us by social services. We were placed in two different foster homes.  My sister and I in one and my brother in another.  We were all stunted in development and growth when adopted.

I remember one of my first conversations with my new family being that I was trying to reach out and ask my new parents were they were born b/c that was one of the few things I knew that I thought would be a good conversation starter.  I said "Where were you bones" (this is at 5yrs old) my new parents tried hard to figure out what I meant and finally nearly in tears I expained that "I was bones in Michigan" which was followed by laughter. A moment that was brought up many times as I grew up in addition to many other similar stories.  I know that it sounds silly that I almost come to tears to this day when thinking about all these increadibly dumb events.  To me it was one of the first ways I was not accepted and felt out of place.

My mom also sent me a profile that my foster mom had written up for prospective parents to get to know me.  When I read that, I felt so bad for myself as a kid.  From what the paper said I seemed so personable and lively.  Reading the paper, I sounded just like my youngest child. I know that growing up I felt inferrier and abnormal.  I was quiet and shy and aiming to please & get attention, love & acceptance.  I feel so mad that my mom took 3 cute little kids that had already had pain in their lives and destroyed their esteem, independence, and strength.

I have attended support groups for the deaths of my child and brother.  I attended therapy for 3 yrs with the same therapist. 

After my brother's death, I went through a terrible ordeal b/c of it.  I sepperated from my husband (he came from a dysfunctional family and always has had issues that affected our relationship) & had an affair. My husband hounded me and harrassed me to take him back.  Dealing with my children alone for a week and having this emotional guilt delivered by my husband and NO support for my decision from family or friends - I took him back.  It didn't work out b/c I didn't really WANT to be with him and still wanted the other guy.  After seeing my therapist together it was decided that we needed to sepparate again & this time have the kids go to stay with my husband b/c I couldn't handle them at the time.

My mother took that as an opportunity to strike out at me and accuse me of being a bad mother.  I was not ready for a full split and was being threatened with lossing my kids (temperarily at least) none of the family could understand why 1. my husband was keeping the kids and 2. why they were all staying with his parents and I had a whole house to myself.  They all accused me of kicking my loving husband and my kids out and abandoning them.
--This was about 9 mos after finding out about my sister's death, 4 mos after my brother's death, and during the same month as my daughter's  3rd anniversary-- I was feeling like it was my destiny to die like my siblings, I felt a strong pull toward heaven to be with my sister, brother, and child.
I made a small attempt - more like a cry in desperation and ended up in the hospital.

While I was there: my mother led a "let's get on the phone and spread lies and negitive propaganda" about me rather then call me or support me.  They completely turned my husband's parents against me (well his Dad at least who was the one semi worthwhile support of the family and someone I had considered a good friend - I'd go to lunch with him and visit him at work - we had known each other ever since I knew my husband from back in HS)  They all agreed that I was a lier, had some hypnotic hold on my perfect husband -who had been earlier accused of being abusive toward the golden child - (who is not his biologically) 
This may all seem confusing.

She led these people who prior to this had been "on my side" against me. When I came back I had no one.  The only person to see me or call me in the hospital was my dh. He brought me my stuff, a new teddy bear from the kids and so on.  He got on the phone with my family (the group my mom had assembled) and begged them all to support me.  My father actually spent an hour trying to convince my dh to hire a lawyer and have the children taken legally away from me.  He even offered my dh financial help. 

After I came home I found this out.  I had never been to betrayed in my life.  I was appalled at the things that I heard. I can't even recall them all.  It was all too shocking and no one would be able to believe what was said & BELIEVED about me.

I am actually afraid that some people reading this will believe it too.

All that happened during this has led me to where I am now.  I am practically agoraphobic - I'm not scared to leave my house per say, I'm scared of people.  I do go and do what I absolutely have to.  I can't work.  I wouldn't even make it through an interview.  I am so scared of being judged.  I can't go to a therapist and even though I'm opening up to people on the internet I feel so scared about it.  I hate being in public.  I don't like making eye contact.  I'm okay in some certain circumstances but only if there is a guarentee that no one will think badly of me.  Like I'm a member of this freecycle organization where people post things they are looking for or are offering to give that they don't need.  I have given several things and recieved a couple as well. 

[Marta]

Luv,

Your story breaks my heart. How little kindness you must have received in life.

The reason you find understanding here is because a lot of us have endured abuse at the hands of our biological parents. Most of the stuff the NPDs do is so, far, far, out beyond comprehension of normal folks, that they simply would not be able to understand your pain. It is difficult to talk about your pain when you feel it will be misunderstood or marginalized.

PLEASE don't think that you are unhealthy, noody else does. It is a miracle that you survived this kind of abused at all, and are here to tell your story. It is terrible that they made fun of a little five year old girl, instead of holding her and hugging her and welcoming her into the household. Terrible that instead of supporting you after your siblings death, they put you through hell.

You have suffered so much! Been accused of so much when you were innocent! You TWO siblings are dead! Above all, it seems as though you received so little empathy and kindness in your life. No wonder you are so afraid. I think it is your destiny to stay alive and tell your story, may be even confront your abusers.

I retract what I said earlier about cutting off all contact with your mom. Even though it seems that it would be absolutely necessary to preserve your sanity, it also takes a certain amout of strength to initiate that and put up with the subsequent harasssment. I can see how isolated, how alonem how fragile you are right now. I just hope that you will find kindness in your life.

I WISH WISH WISH there was a way I could help you. Right now I can send only  virtual hugs. Please do keep talking, we are listening.

Much love, Marta

[vunil]

Wow.  I am so sorry.  I don't know what else to say.  You are such a loving person, were so wonderful to your poor child when she was suffering, are such an aware and loving mother to your children now.  I am in awe of how you sprung up from all of that pain to develop such solid relationships.

That's all I can say-- I'm really in shock over all the pain you have had to endure.  And congratulations on your excellent perspective-- you really seem to have survived a lot worse stuff than most of us do, and better.


I guess I agree with folks that it isn't clear how you can have a relationship with that "mother" of yours.  She is just too much trouble as far as I can tell.  But that is up to you-- you have to weigh the trouble of cutting her off against the peace and quiet that would come from doing so.  I definitely think her "communications" are not worth paying a lot of attention to. 

[luvmyjacks]

just to let all ya'll know b/c I don't think I've been increadibly clear on this:
I have a very limited relationship w/ "mom"
Ever since she refused to be a grandparent to my 3rd child and after the treatment she dished out to me regarding my 2nd I had put my foot down and stopped allowing her to continue that behavior.  Her husband cut off contact w/ us saying "take us out of your rolodex"
I went through the grief that I felt from the abrut cut off.

I didn't recontact my mother, she was emailing me shortly before my brother's death trying to reestablish things w/out addressing any issues.  I responded by trying to address the issues and lay down guidelines & boundries.

That is when my brother's death happened and at that point - contact was necessary and it would have not been appropriate to do anything other then what I did do.  It was not easy as I'm sure many can either relate or imagine what it is like being the actual closest family member at time of death and watching someone else get the pity party.  People actually asked me to take care of my mom.  At the service the Pastor thanked my parents for taking my brother in which horrified me and made me feel (as if I hadn't already felt all my life) that I never was a real part of the family.  My mother later spread her comment about how all three of us came this way basically denying any fault in my brother's demise.

When I had my hospital incident I stopped all contact with ALL of my family.  Everyone!  Later I broke down crying and called my grandmother b/c she had not done anything wrong and I felt so bad that she was being cut off just b/c of my mother.  She certainly didn't deserve that.  When my sister was shipped off my grandmother wanted to keep in contact but she was threatened by my mother that she would never see any of the other grandkids, so she reluctantly stopped trying to see my sister.  I have also re-establish a little contact w/ one adopted brother.  He lives far away and is nice to me as long as topics are of little value.  He is more like a nice uncle whom you see a couple times a year and exchange pleasantries with.

I can't really remember how contact got re-established w/ my mother but it is very limited.  I allow her to visit w/ my kids every 3 mos or so and my conversations with her stay unemotional and phoney.  I can't bring myself to cut her off completely b/c as long as I have control and I don't expect anything from her then she really can't hurt us in such small doses.  I love and care about my mother.  Even though I hate the behavior, I would feel such hurt to give her up completely.  I am not sure if anyone can understand that.  I really do believe that I am protecting myself and my family from her.  Seeing her on this small limited way feels good. I know that this is the most I can get and the most that I want.  If I ever do want to break it off, I know that I can easily do so.

I haven't spoken to my father or his wife since the hospital incident (nearly two yrs ago).  I have been questioned about that.  But why do I need to.  If he really cared he would try to contact me.  He was never that interested in being involved in my life anyway.  He would just have his wife buy us presents for holidays/birthdays or send a check in the mail.  Anytime I tried to talk to him on the phone he'd try to get off immediately.  He doesn't care.  I can't just forgive him and his wife (who was a support during my 2nd child's life and an advocate for me when I was looking for my sister who was dead by then) for betraying me when I needed help. 

You would have thought they had learned something by my brother's death.  When he had prior attempts they said he was just trying to get attention.  Well, he is dead now. No one in the family did what should have been done with him.  Not just N-mom.  No one.  My brother was in another state living w/ some friends for a period and somehow ended up homeless.  Literally homeless.  He was picked up by the cops and taken to a homeless shelter.  He called my mom talking of religion and walking north to die.  He was having a schodic eposode.  No one was willing to do anything to help him.  My dh and I left late at night in a winter blizzard, drove over 12 hours to go get him and bring him to a hospital in our area.  My parents and adoptive brothers - anyone in our family had more money and more resources to do something.  They could have flown there to get him but no one was willing.  No one but me.  That was just months after the death of my child.  We had a toddler at home to worry about.  I remember telling my mother to make sure she was taken care of if something were to happen to us.

A year later, when my brother was visiting my place I found a used bag of pot in my bathroom.  My brother was staying with my mom and I didn't know what to do about this.  He was on several meds and any alcohol & substance abusive was of course a big no no.  I disapprove of it, particularly in my house with my kids around.  I called my mom.  She said I don't know where he is going to stay but it won't be here.  I said that I would take him without hesitation.  (3 bdrm apartment w/ myself, my dh and two kids) She was surprised, but said really.  She proceeded to act relieved and grateful. 

I told my husband and he without hesitation agreed that he could stay with us.  We took my bro and dropped him off so that he could pack his things.  When she dropped him off he only had brought enough for the weekend and she said he could get the things later.  Within those few days he was wonderful.  I made him a resume, I made calls to the county to get him set up for services, everything.  We were all so hopeful that things would turn around for him while he was with me.  The family all were positive knowing that I was active and advocating and I'd do everything possible for him.  When it came time for him to get the rest of his things he called and told me he was going to stay.  I asked what happened.  He said that mom cried that she would miss him and promised him his own car and that things would be different...so on and so forth.
I was so upset.  This was MY CHANCE to help him...to make a difference...I told him I understood everything but I was so concerned that he wouldn't get the help he needed and deserved there.  He said he really believed he would now and that if he felt that wasn't that case he'd let me know and stay with me.

He got a really good job at the hotel and really seemed happy.  I was on the outs with my mom and cut off contact so I couldn't call there to talk to him.  He wasn't calling me and I was so upset for weeks that she had turned him against me.  I was trying and trying to email him etc etc.
I finally drove to his chess club meeting on his night to be there and thankfully found him there.  He said everything was fine, that the email was not working and he'd just been busy.  He said he'd come over that next wkend.  I called him to wake him that Sun to make sure he was coming 'cause I really had missed him like crazy.

He came and we all had a good time playing games and watched a movie and all.  When he was about to go I told him that I had bought tickets for my dh for his b-day and the game fell on my bro b-day and so I wanted the four of us to go together.  I knew we'd all have fun.  I was so looking forward to it.  He said okay and all.
He died that following tues. 
He left a note.  It didn't say much.  I do miss him so much.

[jordanspeeps]

tif here,

i was thinking about you when you were gone.  the sadness and pain of your situation radiates from the page.  i feel so sorry for you.  i hope writing about your pain helps you, somehow.  to me, i can feel the hurt lift from my shoulders a little, each time i write.  stay in contact with us, we hear your story and validate your experience.  my Nmother does/did a lot of the crap your mother does, but you are so much better than all of that.  who are we to judge you for what you've been through?  i and probably countless others, have come close to our own hospital incidents ourselves.  i'm glad you pulled through it, even if you did lose some support along the way.  sometimes, your help comes in unexpected packages. let the message board be a help to you.  leave your burdens/fears/insecurities here.  dump out some of those old, painful memories and imagine beautiful, new precious ones to fill the void.   

also, i understand you totally when you say that you love her and would hate to give her up completely.  i grapple with thoughts like these daily.  taking her in small doses is a good way to approach N/C initially.  it may even help to journal some.  when journaling, you can notice patterns more easily and make predictions in Nbehaviors before they happen and disrupt your life.  staying ahead of your mother's tricks, despite her inconsistencies, may be key to maintaining a relationship with her.  it sorta works for me.  best of luck to you luvmyjacks.  i wish the best for you and yours.

tif

[Marta]

Hi Luvmyjacks,

Pastor's remark is remarkably insentivie and way off the mark. After all, you are all supposed to be her children. "Taking in?" God, how that must have hurt. I see how you must have wanted to help your brother, and felt that your mother came between the two of you. THat is a terrible feeling. I am glad that you reestablished contact with adopted brother, even if its only superficial. Because we need our family who've known us since our childhood, even when we are all grown.

What you are going through is terrible, just terrible. When did your brother die? Was it recently? You have so much grieving to do, really, for three major losses, and that's more than what most people can handle. I think you are a strong woman.....

Marta