Hi (((Luv))),
I have refrained from posting on this thread because this is something that I still struggle with. I read both of Harriet Lerner's books, The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy, and really did not find any anwers other than to take care of my own needs instead of depending on others to do so, which I already was doing pretty well by the time I got to those books. Neither book answers the question of what to do when you find yourself in a relationship that feels as if there is a giant chasm no matter how much you work to bridge the gap...the only answer was to take care of your needs or to leave if the other partner shows no willingness to change.
My first marriage was somewhat similar to what you are describing, only it was compounded by spousal abuse. I left. I am much better for it. I then had to work on what there was in me that didn't really want intimacy....and why I kept picking men that were incapable of it...and who were abusive to boot. It meant going within and bringing the dysfunction to light...my own dysfunction. It also meant getting to know those things about myself that were not necessarily dysfunctional but that were different.
One of the best things I ever did was to accept that I am by nature an introvert. I am overwhelmed when I have to deal large groups of people all day long. I have to have time alone to regroup. It's almost as if I need to detoxify. That doesn't mean that I don't love people and that I don't do well in groups or one on one, but I need more alone time than most people do. It took me years to accept that it was ok to be an introvert. Most people are extroverted and introversion is almost considered a character defect in our society, something wierd or not acceptable, and I had internalized that message. It was finally explained to me that extroverts get their energy from being with others and that introverts get their energy from being alone. Being an introvert does not mean that I am a "loner" or that I don't want intimacy. I even love parties, concerts and crowds...in reasonablel doses. I need to know that I can leave when I start to feel the energy drain.
Once I had accepted that I was an introvert, I knew better than pursue an intimate committed relationship with somebody who was other-directed. I have some wonderful male friendships with extroverts, but 24 hours of living with them would drive me absolutely bonkers. I just don't have the stamina to keep up their incredibly active social lives. It doesn't mean they are sick or wrong...they are doing what comes naturally to them. However, had I married one of these guys, I would be doing the dance of anger and intimacy in a very sick way. I would not be able to meet their needs and vice versa.
I also accepted that I am a nerd. I am not saying that disrespectfully. I am proud of my nerditude. Accepting my ingrained nerditude meant that I was free to pursue my intellectual and artistic interests, and some amazing things have happened because of that. Since I admitted to nerditude, I have made some wonderful friendships with other nerds...and we do enjoy boucing the ideas around, usually one on one. Being a nerd means that I shouldn't seek to form intimate friendships and relationships with people who are really into spectator sports or who are really into fashion. Before that realization, I would have tried to. Doesn't mean I can't be friendly and enjoy some fashion and some sports, but intimacy is not likely to occur.
I eventually married another introvert who is also a nerd. When he met me, he thought I was an extrovert because of my friendliness and social skills, but once we became close friends, I told him that I was anything but the other-directed person he thought he was seeing. He said,"Well, you completely fooled me." and we howled with laughter. We do very well together because we know to give eachother lots of space. Yet, it is the most intimate relationship I have ever had. We can talk about anything...or we can sit together in silence for hours immersed in our own books. This isn't to say that we don't have some huge arguments and negotiations. We regard our relationship as a work in progress...and we are always tweaking the need we have for space, time, energy....and trying to honor our individual differences.
One conflict we have had is that I love music. I feel bereft if I don't listen to a goodly amount of music every day. To my hubby, who is much more high-strung than I am, music can almost feel like an assault if he is trying to concentrate or hold a conversation. I have a home office which he is welcome to visit, but if we need to talk about something, we either leave the office or turn off the music. On the other hand, unattended TV drives me nuts. When I am downstairs the TV is off, unless we are watching it. We don't watch much TV, but my hubby had the habit of leaving it on...and to me it felt just as assaultive as the music felt to him.
Right now we need to work on carving out an individual hidey-hole for my husband. He needs his own space, but it cannot be within my office because of the music issue. We don't have much room. I don't want to just start moving furniture because that gets my hubby all discombulated and I have to sit on my tendency to rearrange everything, which I did for years until I finally realized that it drove him up the wall. Oh, we know that things will never be perfect and we laugh about it, but we are always tweaking things a little bit.
