Trusting one's judgment

[Brigid]

Gail,
You are certainly not alone in how you are feeling and processing your emotions right now.  I implore you not to act on those feelings of loss, however, as the reality is quite different.  You are a mom of 5 children.  Would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who did not love and want to be around your children and eventually grandchildren?  I personally cannot think of anything worse.  My children are my life and even though they are more or less on their own now, I still so enjoy having them around, travelling with them, experiencing new things with them.  I would want my significant other to enjoy those things too and not be looking for ways to avoid them.  Imagine how they would eventually pull further and further away from you as a result.  I personally will not date someone unless they have children and have a very good relationship with them.  This is to me the best test of what kind of man he is and how he has lived up to his responsibilities for his family despite the breakdown of his marriage.

If your n xbf is into the personal sites, he is probably also into pornography and other less desirable, but very n characteristics.  Especially with the distance between you, he could carry on whatever kind of lifestyle he chose and you would be none the wiser.  My xh did it right under my nose and I didn't figure it out because I trusted him implicitly.

You have gotten lots of good advice here.  I hope you can take it to heart and do what is best for you and your children.  Hang in there darlin', we're pulling for you.

Hugs,

Brigid

[mudpuppy]

Hi Gail,

I've never been romantically involved with an N so I'll leave it to others to tell you how to get past the grief and longing, but I do know the answer to this question:

How could a man who says he's perfectly happy with a woman and will never leave her, and who genuinely enjoys her company, give her up for "cyber flirting?" 

Because when he says he's perfectly happy, he's lying. He's fooling you to keep you available. These people are never happy, perfectly or imperfectly. And anybody who gets sucked into their gravitational field will be just as miserable as they are.

I want to try one more time to get him to "see" what we could have together.

Your description of this guy is of a classic N, therefore there is nothing you could have with this guy other than a horrible, awful life that will sooner or later end in him betraying you completely. Every positive aspect of this guy is an illusion to suck in people to use. There is no there, there.

mud

[Moira]

Hi all! Just a quick update on my ongoing saga with my ex N and sex addict predator. Mentioned on other thread he is now preying on vulnerable young women in NA meetings. I left his shrink- likely inappropriate of me but I'm comfortable with it- a mssg. last week simply telling him his patient is using the program as a hunting ground and several women are now complaining about predatory and inappropriate sexual behaviour. One woman he's stalking is now afraid of him. Of course shrink called back and said had absolutely no intention of pursuing this and I said I simply wanted him to be aware of his behaviour and what he does with this is not by business. Ran into N Sat. at a meeting we both attend and he chose to announce he would no longer be attending this group. " somebody is spreading rumours about me alleging 4 women have complained about my behaviour...anyone who knows me would know this is absolute bullshit...I;ve talked with my sponsor( a complete bozo who's been conned by N and was present) and he's put me in touch with his lawyer who assures me I have a sold case against this individual and i'm proceeding with a lawsuit". Typical and all I can say is good luck with that! The only caveats and supports I've been giving is to some of the women who have approached me basically vaildating their intuitions and directing them to either their sponsors or to people they could speak to if they chose. Only other person was his shrink. Oh, he left me a message saying " in case you're worried, I'm not angry you called my shrink- ANGER NO LONGER EXISTS IN MY VOCABULARY"!!!!! I'm having a friend of his- only person in the world who still supports him- very religious guy who is in total denial and rescue mode- deliver a mssg. that N can pick up the rest of his shite at my place this Sun. at a very specific time. i plan on moving it all into the hallway and then leaving before he picks it up. i'm having friend tell him if he's not there then everything will be moved outside in the alley. also he's been harassing people in program accusing various men of coming on to me and his former recovery house roommate told me he moved out of their room due to his bizarre behaviour. Also interrogating female friends as to who I'm hanging out with. Also told me that above friend( religious guy) allegedly informed N " the only reason he's in touch with me is that he wants to fuck me"!!!! Needless to say friend was both flabergasted and disgusted. Remains totally confused as to why N would say this!!! Instead of feeling my usual homicidal ideation, I now feel pity for him. He's screwed and is completely incapable of change on any level. He's incensed i'm moving on and so much good stuff has happened and continues to in my life over the past 4 months!!! I am fully aware however that even this continuing contact- even from a distance- is keeping that old dysfunctional dance between up going. I'm not beating myself up anymore over my disastrous choice with him because I'm working hard on the real issues behind that choice. I feel it in my bones that for the first time in my life I know I can break this pattern and am well on the way to believing and accepting I deserve happiness and good things. Thanks for listening1 Moira