Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Facing the monster
Cadbury:
My head is a little insane at the moment and my computer isn't showing the last response thing, so I am answering "blind" and trying to respond to everyone. Thank you all for your wonderful responses, you all help me so much.
Vunil - I think your ideas are good, I was kind of thinking along those lines anyway. In actual fact the time that contact has been arranged is right when my son should be having his nap, so he may well be a little cranky. He is only 5 months old and I just don't like having to put him through this. I am hoping that my ex will (as many of you have suggested) lose interest when he realises I won't fall for his power games.
Mum - I don't think I will ba able to get a no contact order. If only... He is a convicted child abductor, he has two convictions for actual bodily harm and that is still not counting against him :( Doesn't seem fair at all, but there we go.
(Can't see any further back on previous posts, so winging it from here on!)
I will definitely be as phony as I can, I WILL NOT engage and all those other things that he loves. I will stay distant and civil at all times and hope to God that he loses interest in all of us.
I definitely think I will have to ask for 2 weeks notice from now on. I just worry about court and all that. I feel stupid having jumped as quickly as I did, but I thought that may look better to the judge. I just don't know. I will be thinking of you October too on Saturday. If it helps, the way you cope with your situation gives me strength :)
He sent me this email just now ( obviously I have blanked the various identifying bits :) ):
Hello*Cadbury*,
How is our son?
Does he need anything?
Is he siting up and eating?
I don't have a camera, do you still have your digital
one?
If so would you mind taking a few photos on Saturday
for me please?
I don't know whether to bring *his other son* on Sat it
may be best to wait until next time.
*Tithead*
Like he couldn't get one of those disposable cameras for about £5? He asked me about two days ago how "our son" was (I didn't blank that out - he never uses his name. Always "our son". This is an improvement - we used to have how is "baby" ) Also, our son is 5 months old, why would he be sitting up and eating? He is a baby!! HE always has this thing about achievements, the things he says his first son did would have gotten him in the record books...He asked me if he was crawling 2 months ago. So far I just send short " *A* is fine, weighs x amount" emails back, but I think he is now starting to cross boundaries so I have not responded to this one and don't intend to. What do you all think? You are all fabulous to help so much. I just can't believe how easily I struggle to cope with this emotionally with just one trigger from him. :(
thank you all (again) x
October:
--- Quote from: Cadbury on October 27, 2005, 05:03:53 PM ---
I definitely think I will have to ask for 2 weeks notice from now on. I just worry about court and all that. I feel stupid having jumped as quickly as I did, but I thought that may look better to the judge. I just don't know. I will be thinking of you October too on Saturday. If it helps, the way you cope with your situation gives me strength :)
--- End quote ---
Actually, thinking about it, perhaps request for three weeks' notice. That way, if anyone squeals, you have room to negotiate down to two weeks without losing ground. 8)
As for Saturday, and seeing me cope, well, I don't know if this will help or not. Well, I rang ex tonight, and he sounded p****d. For a man with such severe medical problems, this is not a good thing. So I am ringing him again tomorrow night, and if I get the same feeling about him that I did tonight, we are not going.
He always gets confrontational after a drink. He said, you are just looking for an excuse not to come and see me. I said, I don't need any excuse. If I decide not to come, I won't come.
I told him that C was concerned too, because she had spoken to him as well, and he does not sound right. He told me 'that is her problem'. She heard him say it, and is really furious with him for putting the problem onto her.
I know your situation is not the same, and that you have courts and judges involved, but there is something I always remember, when dealing with difficult situations; it is far easier to get forgiveness than permission. :lol:
In other words, I would say, if you need to do something on your son's behalf, however much other people don't like it, then go ahead; you are the mother and you are allowed to do that. Don't wait for permission first, because you may not get it, or it may take a long time to achieve, and meantime you are suffering.
Set the rule yourself; three weeks' notice of any visit from now on. Give him this in writing on Saturday, with your reasons, and let him challenge it in court if he dares. If your reasons are all about the advantage for your son of being prepared for a visit, and not having sudden changes of routine, then that is going to be hard to fight. Especially if the father hasn't turned up most weeks.
I would say, consider taking the initiative, and setting the rules. If they are reasonable, and you can show that you have your son's interests at heart, the other side's solicitors may argue against this, but they are unlikely to win. Imo, what will look good to the judge is a mother who cares about her son, and who sets reasonable boundaries to invasive or inconsistent behaviour by the father.
Brigid:
Cadbury,
I love your pet name for your n sperm donor. I'm sure it fits him to a T (or tit as the case may be :lol:). I think you are making good choices and decisions for the sake of your son. All of the suggestions made have been good and you just need to concentrate on keeping a very calm demeanor. Do not engage him, don't tell him anything he doesn't ask about, keep anything having to do with the future very vague, and be as indifferent to him as you can possibly muster. This may be a performance of a lifetime (I know, math is your thing, not acting--but fake it as best you can :shock:), but the more you can do this, the more likely it is that he will get bored with the dance and go find another partner.
I keep you two in my prayers.
Hugs,
Brigid
vunil:
Sitting up and eating! Tell him that, yes, you often go to fine restaurants and you are pleased because the baby is now fluent in french and can order wine for the table.
Actually, of course, you are right not to respond. I wouldn't do things for him, either, he will like that and you don't want him liking the visit. Tell him you don't have a digital camera (or that it is broken). I have found that catering to N's makes things worse. They are always nice (or at least nice-ish) before they get awful, so his "interest" worries me.
Sela as guest:
--- Quote ---.........the baby is now fluent in french and can order wine for the table.
--- End quote ---
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Gave me my laugh for the day! Too funny Vunil!
:D Sela
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version