Facing the monster

[Cadbury]

Tithead is YIM-ing me.... I am still engaging...please, someone shoot me!

Tithead: I know you were, I do know you, I just wish you wouldn't think off me in a way that I'm not.

Cadbury: you don't know me at all. Not in the least bit. I don't think of you at all if I can help it, but when I do, I know I have finally seen exactly what you are. That isn't anger, that is fact.


I have to stop.... He is pushing buttons... listen to myself!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry - insane rambling....

[mum]

((((((((((((Cadbury)))))))))))))
Oh, Sweetie. I'm so sorry you feel things went awry!
I had a similar experience in the presence of a mediator.  It was as if I FINALLY had a chance to empty out all those bad feelings I had for what my ex did in front of someone who I thought would SEE what was going on and what a horrible man he is!! Unfortunately, what she saw was me, being very angry and hostile and not dealing well at all, while he sat there just acting all nice and normal.  It was terrible, too.
The GOOD NEWS: it was not the end of the world, nor did it "put him up one" in any way.
I thought it was the bottom, believe me....and for me, it was the darkest hour....just before dawn!!  
Please have faith. I have found in my life, that those moments (days, weeks,) at the bottom of the ocean are the times when a miracle is just around the corner.
Anyway, by the next time I went to mediation, I had really done some work letting go of my anger and hurt....and I was calm and collected, and my ex was a mess!!! The mediator was appalled at his behavoir, really. I think the more healthy we get, the worse the N's get.  
And the bottom line is: what happens in mediation (at least here) unless agreed upon by both parties, goes nowhere....mediators cannot testify in court, etc.  
PLEASE don't take this temporary setback as the way things ARE. It is already in the past. Got that? PAST.  
It's over.  You don't need to punish yourself anymore for not being "perfect". That's all in your head. Change your mind about what that is, ok? You get to decide....you get to give yourself a break.
Right at this moment, you are ok. Don't worry about the future...it doesn't really exist....or the past...that doesn't exist either.
You are a great mom....you are responding to trauma the way anyone would when they think they have a sympathetic audience.... Hang in there. Sending you peace.

[mum]

Ok, Cadbury. I will stop you.
UNPLUG him.  Don't respond, it is not you responding...it's your anger...don't let it control you.
So get somewhere alone (you have kids...how about a closet??)
Try this: (it helped me)
Imagine a chain around your middle....he holds the other end.  Now imagine a huge axe, chain saw, etc...that cuts through that chain like a hot knife in butter. Rev up that saw, girl....scream "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME" and cut it!!!
OR; (and don't let your kids see this....mine did and it scared the heck out of them...they had no idea mom had such rage):
pound and scream into a pillow how angry you are at the unfairness of it all...at the pain he caused, at the connection you are stuck with to him.....and after a while you will see that baby's face and realize the bigger picture....don't try to see it too soon. You MUST acknowlege the anger, just not to Tithead!!
Let me know how it goes. Sending strength.

[Cadbury]

Thank you so much mum... I am trying to stop, but I am so angry. I have to stop, I am torturing myself. I have gotten worse, I have answered him loads of times... I will stop it now. Thank you so much for your support. I willupdate this later. Thank again ...

[Hopalong]

Ditto Mum, very word.

A relapse is just a relapse, Cadbury hon.
It's one step on the way to full recovery.
It's even PART of recovery.

Sometimes our old-selves just rear up and resist our demands for change and growth. Think of nature, how much upheaval is involved in birth, how messy and painful it is before the little chick is out and all fluffy and cute. DON'T WORRY about making bloody mistakes, you've been in labor! You're in transition, fergodssake...women are BANSHEES and say (or IM....) all SORTS of things they don't mean when they're laboring to give birth (to new selves).

Please stop punishing yourself...you don't deserve it. Somewhere down in, you know that. WE know that and we'll remind you!

And this may sound, ummm, repetitive, but isn't there a thing called Block Sender?
If you can't easily turn yourself off, or right now you're vulnerable to the hook of his IMs, can't you BLOCK HIM FROM INVADING YOUR COMPUTER?

(You'll soon be just as safe as you were earlier, in contact, or with the mediator. Do Not Worry about it. You can simply pick up the new practices of nonreacting and start again. It is just that...practice. You will do it and do it and then one day it'll dawn on you that you're in it all the way. Your detachment won't be a scary new "acting" part any more, it'll be a real part of your new character.)

Much love and support to you.
Forgive yourself RIGHT NOW! (Wouldn't you say that to one of us?)

Hugs,
Hopalong

[miss piggy]

Hi Cadbury,

Take a deep breath.  We're still here rooting for you.  It isn't easy, is it?  But you're still standing. 

Go take your sweet baby to the park and have fun, just the two of you. 

(((Cadbury)))

MP

[Sela]

Hiya Cadbury:

I'm with everybody else.  This isn't your fault.  People who act like this are sooooooo agrivating!!
Or...........

that's what they do best.  They're like nasty pests.

"Block sender" sounds like the answer.  That way......you won't be tempted to engage.

It's like an alcoholic pouring all the booze down the drain to keep from drinking it.

It might seem drastic but for the time being......it will work.

Then.......to keep from going to the liquor store!!! 

"Block sender" eliminates the liquor store.  There's nothing to respond to if it doesn't get through.

Do it!!  You can always unblock later...if you decide you must for some reason.

((((((((((((((((Cadbury)))))))))))))))

Your experience with the mediator might have seemed to you like you flew off the handle but any mediator with a brain knows there are tons of reasons for that.  You can't be sure what the mediator thinks, can you?I'm sure they see it all the time and I doubt very much that they judge people by it.  It's all such an emotional process so don't worry.  You'll be fine next time.  You can work on being fine and get to a place where you can get through it.

Block Sender  (nag, nag, nag  )

Sela

[Cadbury]

Well I BLOCKED HIM ..

I feel a little better this morning. the bad news is that I didn't block him until I had ranted at him like a mad loon. He is such an evil piece of poop and I couldn't seem to stop myself. It was like I was taken over by an evil demon  . I guess I had just got so worked up that I couldn't help myself. The only thing with an N is that none of it even affected him. It was like I told him how much I hated him and that I only saw him because I was legally obliged to, that I thought he was a worthless piece of humanity.... then I stopped (I didn't apologise at all), but he then carried on as if nothing had happened. It was insane, but taught me NOT TO ENGAGE (again!).

I have read everything you have all written and thank you all so much (yet again) for all your support. I really couldn't get through it all without you. Yesterday just got to me because he really hit me that for the rest of my life I am going to have this connection to TIthead, and that he has so many legal rights that he doesn't deserve. Sitting there hearing the mediator say what will be best for A (my son) and him having no conception of what tithead is actually like or capable of. Having a voice screaming in my head that the best thing for A would be for his father to drop of the face of the earth, while trying to discuss having to hand my precious son over to his idiot father was driving me insane. Then tithead was coming across like he was the most reasonable man on the face of the earth, whereas I was some insane woman trying to punish him. It just all got too much...

Well, today is another day.... I can start over Thanks again... off for retail therapy

[Hopalong]

Whew. BRAVO! You blocked him!
(You're right, your ranting won't mean a thing to him.
What's more, you don't ever want to email another word to him in case he keeps copies of it in some fashion. I've never used IMs so I don't know if they can be printed out, but I sure have had email come back to haunt me.)

Had a thought about next time you see the mediator. You will be all calm and emotionally "empty" at that point, of course, so you migh simply look the mediator in the eye and say, I realize there was a great deal of emotion last time...but what's taken place in the background is not always visible under a reasonable surface. I'm am sure you have seen many traumatized people "lose their cool", but I got it out of my system, so let's just move on.

I've never been in that position, with a mediator, so maybe others who are more familiar with this system might have a more helpful idea, if you need one.

You're still CHAMP CADBURY!

Not to go all icky, but thinking back to my image of a woman in labor, it really is true that before the baby crowns, it literally pushes out, then slips back, then a little farther out, etc, before it's fully born. And another thing. For years, every time I heard the maxim "Two steps foward plus one step back..." all I ever heard was the word BACK. And beat myself up for it. Was only recently that I realized I'd never done the math! (I may have said this on another thread, sorry if so...senile me.)

Hopalong

[Plucky]

Hey Cadbury,
Call me a pollyanna.  But I remember not that long ago you were still caring what tithead thought (before he was christened tithead) and feeling as if you missed him or wanted him back a little bit.

And now you hate his stinking guts.   yay!    Now THAT is progress!

Yes, it seeped out a bit.  It's a big feeling.  It can't be contained.  It's got to come out somehow.  Mum had some good suggestions.  Let it out, somehow. But don't hate yourself for hating him.  If that's the case, you're going to have to hate a lot of us!

I'm just glad you hate that git wholeheartedly. 

Let's hear it for unmitigated hate!  When warranted.

a twisted
Plucky

[Cadbury]

Well, I haven't updated for a while - so here goes...

I take my darling boy to see his Tithead sperm donor on a Saturday morning from 9-10. I stay in the room as I wouldn't trust Tithead with him. It is excruciating as I have to listen to him talk about himself, make inappropriate comments to me and generally be disgusting and lecherous. I hate every second, but am gradually getting better at not showing him how much I hate it.

At Christmas he had presents for me, my two girls and our son. I only took the presents for our son. I told him it was inappropriate for him to have got the others. He says I am being ridiculous and that he cannot take them back. I told him that was his problem, not mine. He left the price labels on all the presents he got our 7 month old baby. He has tried to give me my present in lieu of money once since Christmas and now they are left (still wrapped) right in front of the chair I sit in when I go there. I ignore them. I bring a book with me now and make a pretense of reading it (of course I am too tense to actually get anywhere, but he doesn't know that). He tries to talk anyway, but I generally ignore him.

I am doing okay at being distant, but it is difficult.When I am not talking to him he talks to the baby. "Does mummy feed you too much?" " Does mummy pick you up as soon as you whinge?" " Is mummy spoiling you?"... I am getting better at ignoring that too.

I hate that I am stuck with him, I hate that I have to try and fight for my son's sanity against a system that does nothing to recognise this man for what he is. Every site on NPD I have looked at he hits every single criteria, not just one or two. I am working flat out at my PhD to get qualified as fast as I can in the hope I can move away. Because my job is specialised I am hoping I will stand a good chance of being able to prove I have to move for work. Still, that is at least two years away.

The good thing is that in July the judge ordered him to provide medical evidence by August 26th - he still hasn't which is a direct breach of the court order. I am hoping that will go against him. As it is we are due back at mediation soon. My standpoint is going to be that he provides the medical evidence or we go back to court.

Unmitigated hate going strong!!

Thank you all again for your support and apologies for not updating this sooner, but I have been finding it hard to find the words sometimes.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Wow Cadbury, I'm so impressed with your determination and strength.

I love the idea of reading a book.  Ok, you may not be reading it... but it's all about appearances anyway with him isn't it?

Fingers crossed him not handing his medical in on time goes against him.... and good luck Cadbury.  I'm inspired by how well you keep your boundaries in place.

Best wishes

H&H xx

[Cadbury]

Thanks H&H!

My boudaries aren't always so good! I had to gear myself up for the Christmas presents by thinking of any scenario first ad planning how to react. I was shaking like a leaf when I left the house. You all know how it goes - it was MY fault for being so rude/ignorant/ungrateful as to refuse HIS presents. The worst part is that to an outsider it may also look a little over the top, but they don't know what he's like.

I have to almost pretend to be a different person in order to be as cool and distant as I need to be with him. I find I have an almost constant dialogue going on in my head throughout each visit to work my way through all of the things he is saying. One of the biggest tricks I have learned is to give mysef plenty of time before I respond to him. Then I pick one person in my life who I know to be normal and gauge  how insane he is being by their (imagined) reaction. This works for me, because I know that others are (and have always been) immune to any charm I seemed to see. For example:

TH (holding son): He's perfect isn't he
Me: Yes
TH: So we did do something right then?


I struggled trying to answer this, and then realised that it was NOT NORMAL to ask such a thing.

Me: What kind of a question is that?
TH: I was just asking a perfectly normal question
Me: I don't think so at all.


*End of discussion, head back in book*


So it is a fight every single time to stay in control of things, but I try and try and hopefully one day it won't feel like I am trying so much.

Thank you again!

[Portia]

Hiya Cadbury. What a way you’ve come! Give yourself a big piece of praise (or maybe even a big piece of chocolate).

About this trying to work out if something they say isn’t normal: these days I think: “Would I ever say that to someone?” and it generally works. Can you imagine yourself saying “so we did something right?” unless you were trying to be manipulative?

Hope it might work for you too. And you’re doing great

[Cadbury]

Thanks Portia... that is good advice too. It is true... no one would say the things he says....