My estranged mother is seriously ill

[welcome guest]

Just had an update on her condition - she has cancer in both her
lungs and liver and it is terminal.
She's in a wheelchair at the moment and don't expect she will last
long.

We are currently estranged, I have just hear about this and thought
I would post out my feelings.

Thoughts :-

Should I get in touch before she dies? As I have been told how ill
she is, if she dies, I will be the 'bad one' forever in families
eyes. My mother is an 'N' - not too keen on lables any more, but she abused me badly (emotionally) as a child and it made me ill to be around her as an adult. I got the courage to ask her some questions and she cut me dead , hung up the phone etc. refused to listen. At the same time making it seem to others that it was me with the problem. I'm sure some of you can recognise the dynamic.


But I'm not getting involved again.

My mother has the perfect opportunity to contact me.  Just like she
chose to end our relationship than answer any questions I might have.
Of course I'm pretty sure she made out like it was all me. (as above)
Coincidentally (my parents are divorced) the relationship ended with
my parents and other siblings around the same time for different ,if
not entirely, unrrelated reasons.

I have to admit I took the ball and ran with it, so it's been about
3years  since there was any contact.

I went through loads of agonising thoughts in that time, that I
wouldn't go the funeral and would she change the will etc. - as is quite common in these situations.

I am resolute, in that I won't go. The biggest pull is not to be
seen as the 'bad one' in other peoples eyes, but that's enough of a
pull, to be honest. The story has already been written without me.

I could try and offer sympathy to my sisters but is that getting
involved again?
I certainly never received any.
If I don't respond to my sisters e-mail, as I am inclined not to do,
I am in a position to be 'blamed' eternally, if you know what I
mean. Any future relationship will be coloured by it. But we don't
hae a relationship and I don't want that to change particularly. I
just don't want to get involved and a relationship with one brings
back the others into my life and more importantly into my thoughts on a regular basis.

I set up my father by selling him my house at below market value. the house tripled in value in 2 years. Later I found out he had moved house without telling me. He was aslo very abusive, it took me a while to realise that stockholm syndrome applies to families and I was in for that particlarly BIG TIME. When my mother threw me out at 16 after about a year of living behind my grandparents couch, with my dad living upstairs, I moved in with dad. I supported him for years, and when he was selling me the line of money troubles, I bought the house of him to clear him from debt. othertimes loaned him money. He always snapped when I asked for it back. He never willingly paid me back. It was always a problem.
In the worst financial positon I have ever been in, in my life, I sold the house to him - he was living there - without paying rent - just covering the mortgage. This was supposed to be symbolic and the ten years since I bought it off him (I was 19 at the time and now realise what a c*** he was for going through this with me)

A lot of the pain was a result that I feel such a fool, as I put myself in that position. On the other side, I think part of me knew that I needed to do this to be free of him and THAT HOUSE so that I could change and heal. So I could have that horrible (BEEEPPPPPPP) out of my life forever.

I've had about a year of murderous rage towards him and at times he has been fortunate not to have any contact with me. The dreams were amazingly vicious and badly affecting. even 2 nights ago, I dreamed I was kicking the living  c**** out of him.
I now know it's something I would never do in reality but the dream are a way for my anger and pain to be resolved over time.

But, all in all, through what my parents individually have done, has PROVEN to me, beyond any doubts, that they treat me very badly. and I'M DONE WITH THEM.

(sorry I rambled above and ended up putting lots of father thoughts in there)

Has anyone any thoughts on this?

Thanks for your support. I feel cut up about it, but I think it's
more a selfish feeling that it puts me in a postions I don't want to
be in - ie the day I thought of, is going to be happening soon, and
now I really will be making that decision for real and not in
advance. Seems cruel but my mothers illness is second to that.

Thanks for listening to my ramble, it feels better to let it out

[Healing&Hopeful]

First of all (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((huge hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Secondly, I hear your pain and anger.  From the little bit you have wrote, what your parents did to you was appalling and every child deserves love and happiness.

Thirdly, regarding your mother, I would suggest thinking about what is best for you.  Would it help you in any way to see her now?  If you do, you cannot expect anything from her as she is ill, not just physically but mentally as well.  If you do decide to see her, also think about what boundaries you want to keep in place.  By this I mean, it is perfectly ok to see your Mum briefly, and still not go to the funeral or see your siblings, but it is also ok if you did want to go to the funeral.  You are not the bad one.  This I can really relate to as feeling like the bad apple in your family.  It is not bad to want to be away from someone who doesn't help you grow as a person in any way. 

Fourthly, I'm not surprised you feel so much anger towards your dad.  I really hope you have a good therapist that can help you work through that anger.

Also writing can help immensly.... now it is time to spend on you.

All the best

H&H xx

[vunil]

Hi, guest-- Many hugs to you-- you are really going through something monumental.

This may sound simplistic, but you should do exactly as much or as little as you want to do.  With family it is really tough to give ourselves that permission.  I don't, always, in part because I am not always sure what I want.

In case you are like me and are not sure what you want, then I guess I would think to the future and figure out what would make you feel best in memories.  Either you'll feel good because you went to the funeral (contacted her before she died, etc.-- whatever behavior you are considering) and said your goodbyes and didn't cause drama, or you'll feel good because you once and for all asserted yourself and didn't do what you didn't want to do, or something in between, but whatever you choose, I would aim for feeling ok (or as ok as possible) about it in the future.  It's too tough to judge by right now because there are too many emotions, I imagine.

Society tells us to make our amends before people die, and you may daydream about that possibility.  If it were me, I would.  So, I might visit her just to eliminate that daydream later in life.  The chance of a reconcilation?  Pretty darn small.  But at least you would not be able to romanticize things later.  But I can imagine the opposite reaction being just as healthy-- not kowtowing to some fantasy, admitting what she is and has been, and avoiding her and the pain she has caused.  There is no right answer.  I guess you know that, but sometimes it helps to have someone point it out.

Keep posting.  There is a lot to work through...

[daylily]

Hello guest:

I have been dealing with a situation that is somewhat like yours, though it appears that my mother will recover from the precipitating event (a brain injury).  I also have to say that your history sounds much, much worse than mine, so please bear in mind that I don't know how I would react if I had to carry your burden.

I can only say that you need to think of yourself, in both short- and long-term ways.  If you don't see your mother or respond to the news, how much of your mental energy will be taken up with that?  If you do, can you do so in such a way that you limit contact with your family and simply fulfill your agenda?  That is, can you see your mother without engaging in the whole dynamic of terminal illness?  These are questions I think you need to ask yourself.  No matter which course of action you choose, there will be a price to pay--and you have to think hard about which version of the price is most in keeping with how you want to be able to think of yourself.

Will there be a reconciliation?  As others have said, probably not.  If you decide to see her, you need to prepare yourself for that.  You also need to think about what you will say to her.  It may be that you won't be able to see her except through the lens of what she did and your subsequent estrangement.  If that is so, how much will the experience help you?

You have an opportunity here, I think.  This experience can lead to a lot of progress in a short period of time, if you let it.  The pressure of knowing that her life is ending may force you to think about things you have been avoiding (and with good reason--they're painful to think about).  All this is to say that you need to take care of yourself.  You need to keep your own supports at hand.  Even if you don't go near her or your family, there will be a lot of emotional fallout for you.  So remember to be kind to yourself.

In my own experience, I have found one truth:  You are only as free of her as you allow yourself to be.  And that has nothing to do with whether she is dead or alive.  Even if you disengage factually, your whole life can be a reaction against the abuse you suffered.  It has helped me to keep that in mind, because it clarifies the reasons behind the choices I have to make.

I wish you strength and peace.  This is incredibly hard to go through, and I hope that in the end, your choices reflect the best of who you know yourself to be, so that you can carry them forward in peace.

Please keep posting and let us know how it unfolds for you.

love,
daylily

[welcome guest]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I think you all had some good advice for me

I have decided I will not be seeking out a reconciliation.

In my own experience, I have found one truth:  You are only as free of her as you allow yourself to be.  And that has nothing to do with whether she is dead or alive.  Even if you disengage factually, your whole life can be a reaction against the abuse you suffered.  It has helped me to keep that in mind, because it clarifies the reasons behind the choices I have to make.

Thanks Daylily. In fact all I will be doing is being good to myself

It would be very easy to put myself in a position of trying to 'comfort' or help other members of the family, but I'm not going to do that either. Mainly as a result of the lack off support and understanding I have received in the past.

Society tells us to make our amends before people die, and you may daydream about that possibility. 

Hi Vunil,
I did a lot of work on this before I attempted a confrontation , before, as well as after, about two years ago. I knew what would happen, so I spent a lot of time going over it again and again.
At a funeral there would be a lot of people I have no wish to see, far less explain myself and far less listen to them put forward my mothers side of things.
The societal 'threat' or guilt is the only thing that would get me to go ie others will confirm their perceptions of me as being 'bad' if I don't go.
Not a valid reason to go.

Fourthly, I'm not surprised you feel so much anger towards your dad.  I really hope you have a good therapist that can help you work through that anger.

Hi Healing,
Had a great dream the other night. (excuse the violent content) but I remember kicking him in the head and thinking MAN HIS HEAD IS HARD. I felt this increasing pain in my toe and woke up. I had kicked the wall
I don't have a therapist but have a loving and very patient partner. We are now in a position to move on very quickly when I hear family news. It doesn't have kill me the way it used too.

The last thing I would want to happen is to translate those angry thoughts into action, if my mothers ex-husband ie Father was at the funeral
I'm sure he is quite likely to be so.

Have to admit I have wished him harm (not surprising) and still do, but the murderous rage is subsiding and like they say, time is the great healer
I am happy with the decisions I have made and am moving towards the iindifference I need and perhaps they deserve.

I am now even more happy that I spent so much time thinking and feeling about this situation as now that is happening I'm finding it easier than I otherwise would.

or in other words. I trust myself and the decision I made two years ago (when confrontations etc were happening and father was moving) so I don't have to do all that work again.

and for that I am happy

[seasons]

I'm sorry you have to even go through this. My heart goes out to you. You sound so strong and wise. I have learned much from your post, thank you for sharing.

You know what is best and safe. Continue being true to yourself.

((((((((to you))))))))))

[Marta]

I have decided I will not be seeking out a reconciliation.

Hi Guest, you are in good company. Apparently Abe Lincoln and Barbara Bush chose to not attend their parent's funeral either. Be true to yourself. I think you are very brave in not doing something just for the sake of social appearances. All the best. Whether or not we can have a reonciliation with our parent depends upon the extent of damage done to us by them. I don't know your full story, but clearly it must have been vast. Those who have not had that experience with their parents(s) will not be able to relate to that, so don't worry about social reaction. You know the truth and your God knows the truth. 

[jordanspeeps]

hi guest,

i am you, two years ago.  thank you soooooo much for your post and reply.  i'm going to print this and hold onto it, even if its decades, (given the stubborn longevity of N's my mother will probably live another 65 years), i'll use this to remind me of the mindset i will need to have to survive that burden.  i, too, fantasize of my mother's death and funeral.  i somehow used to see it as a freeing time for me.  not anymore, i'm in the process of trying to realize freedom now, despite her biological condition.  now, i'm leaning towards complete freedom from obsessing over what other's, including family, think of me.  your strength is inspiring! my prayers are with you and be SURE to take care of yourself.  please honor the pain this loss will cause and remember when you grieve, it will more than likely be for the mother you never had, not the one you did.

again, thank you
tif

[welcome guest]

Hi Marta,

thanks for posting. It's nice to know I'm not alone "I know the truth and god knows the truth" I like that, thank you.

Seasons,

I don't know about being strong and wise, but to paraphrase the old saying. I've certainly felt like a fool who persisted in his folly at times thank you.

jordanspeeps

Thank you so much for your post. I am so glad that you are able to draw strength from my posting, that gives me strength too
i know I shall certainly remember your post and know that someone out there has something in common with me and was significantly touched to print off the post to keep.
I am also significantly touched    - (not in the old fashioned sense of being a nutcase either )

[JustKathy]

Hi Guest (and all),

It's been a while since I've been to this board. I just popped in and was immediately drawn to this thread.

I don't have any advice to offer, although I wish I did. The truth is, I'm in very much the same position that you are. Your mother sounds very much like mine. I related a LOT to your post, and also read every piece of sound advice that was left in response. I'm going to print everything out for future reference (and comfort).

I, too, have an N mother who I have been estranged from for about three years now. She pretty much ended it with a series of viscous, nasty letters, but of course, has convinced the rest of the family that it was all me. And no surprise, as convincing as she is, most believe her. So, yep, I am the "bad one." The only one who has doubts (my Aunt, on M's side), doesn't want to get involved. Can't say that I blame her.

I don't speak with my father very much any more. For some reason he is unwilling, almost afraid to call me or talk to me when I attempt to call him. I'm sure M has told him that I hate him, or some nonsense that he's bought into. He's always believed her and defended her. Always.

Anyway, the last contact I had with my father was about two months ago when my husband phoned him to give a change of address. At that time father told hubby that M was seriously ill. We've heard nothing since. I don't know if she's going to survive this current illness or not, but regardless, I know that at some point in time I will have to deal with her death, and I don't know how to. This is something that I never really thought about before, but as we all get older, I'm becoming more aware of the inevetible.

This is going to sound coldhearted, but when the time comes, I have no interest in attending M's funeral. I'm not even sure that I would want to visit her on her death bed. After a lifetime of abuse . . . well, I just know I would be handing her a victory to show up at that time. I feel like a monster for saying that, but every horrible thing she's done to me has been a celebrated victory for her. My therapists have all told me that unless I walked away, she would always have control over me. And coming back, even if she were dying, would give her back that control. I think that it would be harder for me to deal with THAT than any guilt I might have for not being there.

As for a funeral, I could start a whole new thread on this subject (and might, later on). My brother, who was once a kind, caring, and sensitive man, married an N, one who is worse than Mother. This woman, my SIL, has sent me numerous emails admonishing me for treating M badly. These emails are unbelievabley cruel. I mean, she is EVIL. She has told me without mincing words how much she hates me, and has instructed me to never come around my family again. Like M, she is very manipulative and has also managed to make me look like the "bad one" in the family. Long story short, SIL's behavior has reinforced my decision to stay away.

So suffice to say, showing up at a funeral would be beyond uncomfortable for me, and I'd be going in fear of SIL making a scene. And no matter what I do, attend or not, I'm still going to be viewed as the "bad one." Thanks to M's lies and manipulations, I've been the "bad one" since I was in diapers. There's nothing I can do to change that.

I'm in therapy over this, still, at 45. It took a decade of counseling before I made the decision to detatch myself, and it's a decision that I know I'm going to have to hold firm on. It's just so damned hard, you know?

I feel I'm rambling. But I feel better now.

Guest, I'm glad you were able to make a decision that I believe will be the right one for you. Best of luck to you as you try to cope with what lies ahead. I have to echo what others have said, that YOU are the most important person in this situation, so take care of yourself first. I hope you have a therapist or other psych professional who can help you through this. It really does help (at least it has for me). Take care.

Kathy

[vunil]

This woman, my SIL, has sent me numerous emails admonishing me for treating M badly.

Talk about a boundary violation.  Jeez Louise.  This woman, who married into the family and has no clue what your childhood was like, takes it upon herself to admonish you.  She sounds like a complete bully.