Just had an update on her condition - she has cancer in both her
lungs and liver and it is terminal.
She's in a wheelchair at the moment and don't expect she will last
long.
We are currently estranged, I have just hear about this and thought
I would post out my feelings.
Thoughts :-
Should I get in touch before she dies? As I have been told how ill
she is, if she dies, I will be the 'bad one' forever in families
eyes. My mother is an 'N' - not too keen on lables any more, but she abused me badly (emotionally) as a child and it made me ill to be around her as an adult. I got the courage to ask her some questions and she cut me dead , hung up the phone etc. refused to listen. At the same time making it seem to others that it was me with the problem. I'm sure some of you can recognise the dynamic.
But I'm not getting involved again.
My mother has the perfect opportunity to contact me. Just like she
chose to end our relationship than answer any questions I might have.
Of course I'm pretty sure she made out like it was all me. (as above)
Coincidentally (my parents are divorced) the relationship ended with
my parents and other siblings around the same time for different ,if
not entirely, unrrelated reasons.
I have to admit I took the ball and ran with it, so it's been about
3years since there was any contact.
I went through loads of agonising thoughts in that time, that I
wouldn't go the funeral and would she change the will etc. - as is quite common in these situations.
I am resolute, in that I won't go. The biggest pull is not to be
seen as the 'bad one' in other peoples eyes, but that's enough of a
pull, to be honest. The story has already been written without me.
I could try and offer sympathy to my sisters but is that getting
involved again?
I certainly never received any.
If I don't respond to my sisters e-mail, as I am inclined not to do,
I am in a position to be 'blamed' eternally, if you know what I
mean. Any future relationship will be coloured by it. But we don't
hae a relationship and I don't want that to change particularly. I
just don't want to get involved and a relationship with one brings
back the others into my life and more importantly into my thoughts on a regular basis.
I set up my father by selling him my house at below market value. the house tripled in value in 2 years. Later I found out he had moved house without telling me. He was aslo very abusive, it took me a while to realise that stockholm syndrome applies to families and I was in for that particlarly BIG TIME. When my mother threw me out at 16 after about a year of living behind my grandparents couch, with my dad living upstairs, I moved in with dad. I supported him for years, and when he was selling me the line of money troubles, I bought the house of him to clear him from debt. othertimes loaned him money. He always snapped when I asked for it back. He never willingly paid me back. It was always a problem.
In the worst financial positon I have ever been in, in my life, I sold the house to him - he was living there - without paying rent - just covering the mortgage. This was supposed to be symbolic and the ten years since I bought it off him (I was 19 at the time and now realise what a c*** he was for going through this with me)
A lot of the pain was a result that I feel such a fool, as I put myself in that position. On the other side, I think part of me knew that I needed to do this to be free of him and THAT HOUSE so that I could change and heal. So I could have that horrible (BEEEPPPPPPP) out of my life forever.
I've had about a year of murderous rage towards him and at times he has been fortunate not to have any contact with me. The dreams were amazingly vicious and badly affecting. even 2 nights ago, I dreamed I was kicking the living c**** out of him.
I now know it's something I would never do in reality but the dream are a way for my anger and pain to be resolved over time.
But, all in all, through what my parents individually have done, has PROVEN to me, beyond any doubts, that they treat me very badly. and I'M DONE WITH THEM.
(sorry I rambled above and ended up putting lots of father thoughts in there)
Has anyone any thoughts on this?
Thanks for your support. I feel cut up about it, but I think it's
more a selfish feeling that it puts me in a postions I don't want to
be in - ie the day I thought of, is going to be happening soon, and
now I really will be making that decision for real and not in
advance. Seems cruel but my mothers illness is second to that.
Thanks for listening to my ramble, it feels better to let it out
