Lasting horrible break up period

[stayhuman]

Hi,

I'm not sure whether or not I should just be posting stuff about myself, or if I'm just being selfish, but I kind of wanted to tell a bit about what I'm going through and maybe get some feedback because I've found the other threads really useful so far.

Well, I'm 22. I just came out of my third relationship one week ago. It has been about 4 years since I've been single.  The second relationship I was in was with a person who I now think is quite sick in himself. He lied to me pathologically for about 5 months. The thing is, when I fond out the truth about it, I didn't let him go. I felt so worthless, like it was my fault, because I felt so worthless that I thought it was impossible for someone to have feelings about me in a true and sincere way. In a way I still do.

So, I kept him in my life. And when he tried to convince me had changed I believed him and I genuinly thought it could work. Then, of course, when it turned out he was still self-centred and neglectful I was confused. He'd blamed all that on the lies that he was trying to keep up. So I thought things would change now I knew the truth. But they didn't. So after 6 months of this or so, we were fighting constantly to the point of almost hitting each other. Finally, it was HIM believe it or not ho said he had had enough. which seems almost funny and says alot about how messed up I must be.

Anyway, we agreed to be friends, and withn a couple of weeks I found a new boyfriend. I wasn't ready for this though. Something inside me was screaming 'Do NOT get into another relationship'. I felt so messedup after my previous disaster that I knew I couldn't do it. But I did. Somehow convincing myself that it would not be normal of me to reject someone. This guy wa popular and good looking.I thought if I rejected it it would mean that there was something wrong with me. I also probably didn't want to be alone.

Well, not long into it, it became apparent it was not going to work. For example, he once made a 'joke'. Saying how he haddecided to pursue me instead of another girl. I asked him why and he gave a few answers and one of them was 'you are better in bed'. He had told me had not had an intimate relationship with this girl. However, he insisted it was only a joke and that he had been telling the truth. But  I accused him of lying to me. I was terrified I was being lied to again. I was convinced I was being lied
to and he took offence. He was very insulted by this. I do now believe he was telling the truth, but it was just simple things like this-aspects of his humour or personality- that would cut me deply. I'd take offence. Eventually he decided he had had enough and dumped me saying I made toomuch out of 'stupid' things.

Now I am just trying to get on with things. But I still feel like there must be something wrong with me if I could not function in a relationship with this boy. I am currently trying to think of ways to get him back, but I know he never will, still I want excuses to see him. Feeling like I should apologise for getting so annoyed and stuff.  

[stayhuman]

My poitn to all this is that even though I know something is not good for me I still do it. I can't stop myself.

[Hopalong]

Hi Stay,
You sound human to me. This human knows JUST what that's like. (Stayed married to a path liar for years). And low self-worth, impulsive relationship hunting. I still struggle with these things in middle age.

Anxiety was the match that set fire to my little piles of tinder: they were just twigs of low self-esteem, old childhood hurts unresolved. One stick at a time I might have dealt with them calmly. But underlying anxiety disorder pushed thoughts into impulses into actions...that I knew were not good for me.

I needed help. A therapist, women's support groups, medication, and tons of self-help reading, workshops, churc. And more help. Not being alone with my fright. As much help as it took (and takes) is what it takes.

I hope you'll hunt help. Go help-hunting in the real world, as you are here. You'll find wise voices and caring hearts and most of all, you'll find you are NOT strange or more self-destructive than many, many others who have had such things to work through.

Sending help, and hope too.
Hopalong

[stayhuman]

Thankyou Hopalong. I do want help and think I have issues from the past that need to be dealt with, I'm just scared I think.

Thanks though, and I wish you good luck with your deadline. Hope you find your focus.

[Gail]

You said you thought you should apologize for getting so upset, but what he said to you was upsetting.  That is pretty typical behavior of those we should avoid if possible--saying something really awful, then making you feel guilty for reacting to it.  After all, "it was just a joke."  Ugh! 

I want to recommend a book called, "Sex and the Soul of a Woman."  I think the author does a very good job explaining why it's so hard when a relationship ends that involved physical intimacy.  She also describes how to recognize a good man, one who is worthy of the gift of your heart. If you could protect your heart from now on, at the age of 22, you'll be much better off than those of us in middle age who spent years and years with men who gave us crumbs rather than real love.

Gail

[CeeMee]

Stayhuman,

Yes, you are human and No you are not selfish writing about yourself.  If that were true, we'd all be guilty of it on this board.

Wanting or needing him back despite all that he put you through is a stage that many if not all people go through.  In the book I mentioned in another post, the authors say that as mammals, our physiology draws us together for survival.  Therefore, as mammals, when those bonds are  broken, we experience physiological changes.  Wanting beyond any logic to resume the broken bond becomes a natural survival reaction.

As a woman married for 20 years to a wonderful man, I can tell you that I  had plenty of learning experience such as yours with plenty of losers before I found him. 

You'll soon forget him and one day find your winner.

CeeMee

[Chicken]

Hi Stayhuman,

I understand the self destruction in the form of abusive relationships, I have been there.  I wonder how your upbringing has led to this treatment of yourself.  If it's anything like my situation, I imagine you are treating yourself the way your parent/s treated you, are the dynamics the same? 

Whatever the reason, I recommend getting a good counsellor to help and support you through the pain you will have to face in order to get better. 

You don't have to leave your boyfriend until you feel strong enough.  Your counsellor will be there to support you when you find the strength to leave.

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Stayhuman

I feel that what you are feeling is very normal.  We all need time to recover from a relationship breakup, and sometimes part of that recovery can be to go out with someone on the rebound.

I went out with a guy for 3 years between the ages of 19-23.  Instead of treating me the way past boyfriends had treated me, I thought he was wonderful.  I could imagine spending the rest of my life with this guy.  After 3 years I plucked up the courage to say that I could see we had a future.  A week later, 3 days before christmas he dumped me and started seeing this girl from work.  To say I was devastated is an understatement.  I had the worst Christmas of my life, alone (because my housemates had gone home to their families) and very miserable.  On the boxing day I took an overdose.  My housemate found me which is why I'm alive today.  It is one of the most degrading and humiliating experiences of my life and I was totally at rock bottom.  I hadn't ate and drank continuously for 3 days.  I made some terrible mistakes about that time, one was starting to go out with my housemate who found me, with very serious reprocussions.  He ended up whacking one of my other housemates who didn't approve with a screwdriver.  I was and still am very good friends with the housemate who was whacked and felt incredibly guilty about the whole incident, blamed myself for it all.

Now, 7 years later my life is very different.  I have a wonderful kind, thoughtful and gorgeous husband.  It seems a long time ago since that experience, however I did learn a lot from it.

So my advice would be, see your friends, spend some time enjoying yourself being you, go and do things that you want do to whether that would be travel, a new hobby, going to the theatre, cinema, or just sitting in with a good film.

Although it may not seem like it now, (I really thought I'd blown my chance with the one guy who was meant for me for another 3 years after this!) there will be other men, nice and honest men and you will be happy again.  Even though people told me I'd meet someone else I didn't really believe them, but it is true.

Take care


H&H xx

[stayhuman]

Hello,

Sorry it has taken so long to reply but I have to say thanks to everyone who offered  advice and support.
I will certainly look into some of the books mentioned.

Healing&Hopeful - Sounds like you had a pretty bad time after your break-up. Well done for surviving and it's really great that you have managed to find someone worthy of your love.
 Yes, I did experience that feeling of 'maybe that was the one and I've blown it for good'. But to be honest I am actually pretty excited about the concept of being single. I've had enough of relationships. I probably won't be saying that in a few months though :S

Selkie- Yes, self-destruction is pretty accurate. Always a voice inside me undermining everything I do and trying to make me feel like I don't have as much right a everybody else to be 'valuable', or to have my own 'voice'. I am interested in finding a counsellor, but I want it to be a *good* one. So I'm thinking I might have to wait untill I have a job and can afford that type of person. I feel pretty scared to open up and tell people about things though-it fels like if I do that I will become vulnerable and people will know about things that are very painful to me. I don't mind sharing details about things like boyfriens or whatever, I think when it comes to say, bullying experiences, or family history-I am very uncomfortable with remembering them and things.

Thanks for the book tips Ceemee and Gail. And Hopalong too, thanks.

[write]

I've been single for the first time in my life for almost 7 months and it's been the emotionally healthiest time in my life.

In fact I think I need a couple of single years in order to get straight in my mind what exactly I want to do with my life, my business, to take care of my family, and most of all to take care of myself and not repeat destructive patterns.

I have been the queen of self-sabotage at times so I need a clear-thinking period where I don't depend on anyone else as a crutch or for my self-esteem, or allow anyone else's ego to mess with my recovery.

There have been times when I think 'who will want me'/'will I ever meet anyone again'/'damn I want sex!' etc but I realise that these are just feelings everyone has from time to time and no indictment of me. Self-doubt, wanting to be loved, sexual desires- it's all normal. Doesn't mean I have to run out and jump into a life with someone and pretend I'm meeting those needs...better to be alone for a whiel and accept, no choose not to try for a while!

And especially my feelings about the last guy I dated, I think about him all the time, though less and less and I feel no emotion now except pity for his other victims...I happily quickly worked out by now how bad for me he was, and I ended even a friendship with him
( he was by far the worst and most deceptive narcissist I've met in a lifetime pattern of hooking up with Ns. In fact he even got one of his girlfriends to set us up in a bizarre way...)

But I think about him because I can remember the way he courted me, the first kisses, the hope...but let me share a poem most people here are probably sick of me sharing by now(!) by British poet Wendy Cope:

Defining the Problem

I can't forgive you, even if I could
You wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you;
And yet I can't quite cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

***


And funnily enough as I have been busy rebuilding my life- a healthier family and a friendship with n-h, a new business, new creative activities...some men have shown an interest in me. I've just been friendly ( even flirtatious with one ) but I'm really not ready to be part of a whole healthy partnership yet, plus I have a few things I can only do on my own without distraction.

I know if a special guy comes along who really wants to know me he'll let me take it at my pace and wait until I'm ready.

I also know that if I'd been in a relationship where my partner was pretty together we'd still be together- the relationships failed because I was too eager and happy to compromise so as not to be alone, and my partners were all n-s with too many issues to focus on long-term relationships.

I've found letting the thoughts just run through my head helps, but then I have had therapy; if you're stuck with it all you might consider some counselling. But now when I think negative stuff if I want to I cy but most times, it's just a passing emotion and I'm soon thinking about something more positive again.

BY THE WAY- if you're selfish for posting about yourself, I must be mega-selfish, I feel it's all I've talked about for a year! But it does so help to have a safe place to deal with all this and to get supportive feedback on bad days.

I hope you post here as much as you need to- step one of recovery, not selfishness: SELF-CARE.

[stayhuman]

wow, thanks Write. So many things there I could relate to

You said:

'I've been single for the first time in my life for almost 7 months and it's been the emotionally healthiest time in my life.'

I've only been single for a couple of weeks now but it is amazing how different I feel. I was trying to work out why I feel so much more centred, focused and happy now that I am single. Why didn't I feel like this in a relationship? and now I wonder is it even possible to retain this in a relationship?

'I need a clear-thinking period where I don't depend on anyone else as a crutch or for my self-esteem, or allow anyone else's ego to mess with my recovery.'


I think this maybe answers my above question to an extent. Maybe relying too much on someone else for your own worth just strips any self-worth away because if they are not healthy they will never give you what you need.


I really love that poem you cited. It just gets at the core of the whole thing. You do not love the person for what they are but for what your mind fantasised it could be way before you even got to know them. Bang on. Must look into more of her poems.

Thanks for that! It's all about choice as you say-and I think being single feels like a good choice right now.

[Brigid]

stayhuman,
I was single and mostly alone for about 19 months before allowing myself to now be involved with a really great guy for the last 6-7 months (very casually for the first 4 months, but more involved for the last 3).  The alone time was a critical time for me to discover who I was, what I wanted for the rest of my life (I am now 55 years old), to focus on my children and their pain from their father's leaving, to spend many hours in therapy to figure out why I had chosen such poor candidates to marry (2 n men), and to just get comfortable with being alone and learning to love myself.  My therapist told me many times that in order to attract a healthy partner, I had to be healthy myself.  Occasionally, I tried to test the theory and allowed myself to see someone a few times.  Every time, I realized that I wasn't ready and they were not going to be good for me.  Once I became resolved to just put relationships on hold and work on myself, I started doing so much better.  I finally got through that horrible grieving period, began to see my marriage for the failure it was always meant to be, and the light at the end of the tunnel began to shine.

Everyone here has a different story to tell, but the successes generally sound pretty much the same.  Listen to what they have to say and I promise it does get better.  I feel like I am happier and more at peace than at any other time in my life.  My children are doing well and so happy for me.  I don't know if this relationship will be the end all, be all, but it is so much fun for now and we have a truly mutual love and respect for one another that I never thought was possible for me.  I feel blessed to have gone through this very difficult experience which has righted my ship and put me on the best course of my life.  Eventually, you too, will see this horrible experience for the blessing that it is.

Hugs,

Brigid

[stayhuman]

Hey Brigid,

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad that the healing time paid off. I hope that one day I am secure and centred and helthy enough to attract a similar person.

It seems like all my friends and things think that having a boyfriend is the be all and end all. But at such expense? I dont want to sacrifice myself in order to feed someone elses ego.

I just found out my ex started seeing someone else a few days after he dumped me. I feel pretty damn low and sick about that right now. But it just shows I must not have meant that much to him in the first place. He dumped me, found someone else, and now says he *might* want me back but I've not to 'hang on to any hope'.  His arrogance is almost laughable.  I dont even want him back-the only thing that I find difficult to resist is the physical contact-but that is just something I think Im gonna have to control or deal with just now.

Iti difficult but hearing all the stories herer really reinforces my own intuition and I am really grateful for that. I dont trust myself at the best of times and I think just hearing similar experiences really helps.

xx

[stayhuman]

Hey Jacmac,

Yep, trusting your instincts in definitely the way to go. (Id also like to add that I hope that doing this helps you deal with your current tenant situation-only you truly know when the other person is doing something that violates you in some way)

For a long time I knew I was being deicieved and did not trust my instincts and when I learned that my intuition had been right all along it made me realise that us humans have great resources inside us as defence mechanisms that may not necessarily be defined as 'logical' and that is why trusting yourself is so so difficult to do.

[stayhuman]

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