holiday frenzy from N in-laws - what to do?

[stranded]

Hi everyone.  I have been lurking for almost a year now, but the time that I have been dreading has arrived - the holidays, so full of family expectations!  My husband has broken away from his whole N family earlier this year, and of course I am the one the Ns are blaming for his defection.  The main crazymakers - my MIL and SIL - have started to drop their bombs, my husband thinks that, as always precedes their tantrums, it is because people must be coming over, asking about us, and they cannot have the family image tarnished, no, no!  (My MIL told him recently, "It's getting harder and harder to come up with lies about where you are.") 

So on Monday my MIL emailed my husband to invite him? us? (I forgot to ask him if it excluded me) to Thanksgiving.  He said that I was working (which is true).  So I am not sure if he even said NO, but just implied it.  Anyway, so yesterday my SIL emailed me - bomb #2.  She is the biggest crazymaker, her mom is basically her supplier, and she has been the one that has been the most vocal and vehement in her hatred of me (she has said in the past that I plotted and schemed his breaking away from the family, that he never treated them with such disrespect until he met me). 

But the subject line was "Hey ; )"  The emoticon just sent me over the edge in terms of its insincerity!  I never even opened it.  I liken it to a suspicious-looking package that is left at your doorstep - DON'T OPEN IT!  I guess I am unsure if that's an OK thing to do.  I figure that I need to take care of myself and my family right now.  I don't have the time or energy to deal with them, especially now. 

My husband unfortunately has so many issues with them - his role was caretaker of the family, surrogate husband/father for his mom.  His way of dealing is to ignore them.  He also has so many women issues, I suppose, having such crazy ones around him his whole life.  In general, he wants me to intervene, he wants me to deal with them, he thinks that I should be protecting him from them if I really loved him.  And they are in fact driving me to therapy!  It's all been too much, especially considering that I think I was voiceless in my own childhood, and I have always retreated in my safe little quiet world.  And I'm just realizing too as I write this all down that he also has felt abandonment, which I guess is why he wants me to be the parent he never had.

I know it sounds pathetic to ask for such validation, but what should I do?  Should I delete the email without reading it?  Should I let my husband know about the email?  One instinct is to shield it from him.  But I feel like I've been dumped on, and I am starting to feel overwhelmed again.  Any insight?  Thanks!!

[daylily]

Hi there:

Ah, the holidays.  I am reminded of a great line from The Lion in Winter (one of my favorite movies, and a must-see for any product of an N family): "It's Christmas.  What shall we hang--the holly, or each other?"

Since you're already braced for its probable contents, I would say read the e-mail, just in case it contains something different than you expect.  That way, you can't provide any ammunition for your sister-in-law (as in, "See, I tried to be nice, and you wouldn't even read my e-mail").

But the larger issue is much more difficult to disentangle.  You can't protect your husband from his difficult family, and he shouldn't really expect that of you.  What you can do (and, as a wife, sort of do by definition) is to provide him with his own family.  That is, his primary loyalty is to you, and you and he should make some decisions about how you want to spend the holidays together--that is, you need to make mutual decisions and you need to spend the holidays in each other's company.  That's most important, in my opinion.  Whoever else you choose to include is negotiable.

Your husband seems to be practicing major avoidance, in my opinion, and if both of you aren't careful, he may end up coming to see things in his family's light.  Please, for the sake of your marriage, make it clear that it isn't your job or your place to come between him and his family--either in productive or unproductive ways.  However, it is your place (and his) to make each other the most important person in terms of any planning, holiday or otherwise.  I'm sure you know all that, but he seems to be ducking the issue, from what you've written.

It took a long time, in my own marriage, to really understand that truth and live it.  We spent some early Thanksgivings apart, since we don't have kids and could easily separate for a holiday, but we hated it.  Then we decided that it was much more important to be together than it was to make our respective parents happy, and we've been happier ever since.  If you and your husband both "buy into" your holiday plans, nothing else will matter too much.  Sounds a bit trite, I guess, but I believe it.

I really think you need to get your husband to protect you, not the other way around, and decide where his loyalties really lie.

Best of luck--you have my empathy on this one.  I've dealt with a lot of the same stuff, and I know how absolutely crazy-making it can be.

daylily

[stranded]

Thank you daylily.  I have been dreading reading her email, but you are right.  I should have known; the right thing to do often is the hardest.

I know that my husband's loyalties are with me ultimately.  I think that he still loves them deep down, even though he does not respect their behavior, and he just doesn't want to hurt them.  Of course, though, it feels like I've been sacrificed for their sake.  He knows that it is easier for them to hate me than to hate him, because then their pride is not affected.  When I've told him how it makes me feel, I feel like he goes into victim mode, he says that he is the one who always has to deal with this, all by himself, which then puts me on the spot.  But I suppose I shouldn't care what they think, since he says that they will never like me since I took him away from them.

Well, I suppose I will see what that Trojan horse has to say...   

[stranded]

Well, the email wasn't anything, I think.  It might have been a mistake!  It was a computer-generated invitation to join instant messaging or something to that effect.  Maybe she just downloaded all her contacts from her email or something. 

Geez, all that hysteria from me for nothing!   Well, it's not like they're never going to call again, but one can only hope!

Thanks daylily.  Actually it will be nice that it will be just us this Thanksgiving.  Peace and quiet, for once!  Hope it's lovely for you too.

[miss piggy]

Hi Stranded,

Just wanted to say hello, welcome to the board.

Don't be too embarrassed about overreacting to SIL's email.  It's really a symptom of how she's been treating you--you expect to be abused.  So when something neutral happens, you are surprised.  OK. 

I tend to be paranoid and suspicious about certain individuals and this one would have my wheels churning, too.  I would even wonder if she did this to see if I would read the neutral email and then send the abusive email as a followup...if you never want to read her email, use the Block Sender feature like someone suggested elsewhere.  Then you don't have to wonder!

I agree that your H is the one who has to negotiate any new terms of engagement with his family.  If he is avoiding it, it is because he is trying to avoid pain.  My brother did this at his own peril.  It made things worse.  Instead of discussing problems openly, he would duck and dodge.  Can't blame him, I've done it too, but I also had to take my stands and face the fire.  He never did this.  He and my Nfather are still in denial and "undo" mode. 

It also sounds like SIL is one of those possessive sisters who wants to choose who gets to join the family.  I myself had to fight off my other brother who liked to chase off my boyfriends when he didn't like them.  He tried to put the kabosh on my fiance (now H) and badmouth him to my mother.  My mother bought into it like she always does with her favorite little man (still a big issue I'm trying to deal with) and told me she "just didn't know what to think of H".  For once I hit the roof and went off on her and my brother and told her bro was totally in the wrong, told her all about the evening in question and about my brother's behavior which was less than ideal.  "I've never seen you so angry..." she said.  I said I guess bro and I are cut from the same cloth after all.  Bro is always angry.  And always right in my mother's eyes.  She is so blind when it comes to him and nothing I need or want matters if he is angry. 

I guess my point is, your H has to defend his choices and stop letting them tell him how to live his life.  I'm overstating it, but really.  you cannot fight his battles for him.  He has to slay his own family dragons.  Also, don't take the bait of what they say about you.  They are really angry with him but dumping on you because somehow they know they can't get mad directly at him  when what they want is for him to fall back in line.  It's so twisted.  I mean, how old are you both?  You are adults and they still want control over him.  I hope he is not feeling any sort of ego gratification from the tug of war.  It doesn't sound like it, but this is a factor with my first brother.  There is a tug of war between his wife (my SIL) and my parents, and his wife and their kids.  I couldn't stand it and got out of the situation altogether because of the nanny role they were trying to assign me. 

Oh well!  Don't take it on.  Just hand their stuff right back to them.  They are not respecting him if they are not respecting you.  Good luck!  MP

[mudpuppy]

Hi Stranded,

I have a question. Do you or your husband have a strategy on how to deal with his family? If you did it would make decisions like whether to open their e-mails easier.
Does one or both of you want to cut off contact, or do you want to try and maintain some kind of relationship with them?
If you haven't really figured out what to do with these weirdos it is going to make your lives even harder and it is going to make it easier for them to manipulate you.
Have either or both of you sat down and just tried to figure out whether they're woth having any contact with? You might find life is a lot simpler while they fight amongst themselves rather than with you.

mudpup

[Brigid]

Welcome stranded,
I'm not sure where to start with this, as I can relate to much of it and I wouldn't want you to make the same mistakes I made.  My x FIL is VERY n and controls the whole family.  I also grew up with a n father, but I eventually learned to stand up for myself and finally broke free of him before he destroyed me.  My xh, however, is a weak man who chose to go into business with his very successful, alcoholic n father.  We were married for 24 years (22 together before the divorce was finalized in May), and I always took on the role of protecting him, just as I did our children.  I never could get him to become a man and fight for his right to be treated as an adult.  To this day he is a little boy who is controlled by everyone in his life.  His defense mechanism was to become n in his own right, engage in disturbing behaviors about which I had no knowledge, lie about everything, and eventually have an affair with a married woman.  The children and I were the only real losers in this, as he remains close to his family and will never recognize or confront their role in his destruction.  His father always secretly hated me because he recognized early on that I had him figured out and saw him for the major manipulator that he was.  When he saw our marriage starting to come apart, he encouraged my x to leave and come live with him--which he did.  Totally sick behavior.

Your h MUST develop his own healthy defense mechanisms.  He must learn how to set his own boundaries with his family--and if he can't do that while having contact with them--cut off all ties.  This could destroy your marriage if he can't get this right in his mind.  They are destructive and will use whatever means possible to get you out of the picture so they can draw him back into the nest.

Two and a half years later, I can see how lucky I am to be out of that situation, but it took a lot of pain and sadness to get to this point.  I wish you well.

Brigid

[Solitaire]

This mystery e-mail sounds a lot like a computer virus. There are viruses which will mail themselves to everybody on a computer's email address list and they usually have headers that make you curious about the contents. If you were on good terms with her, this email probably would have interested you.

Do you have a virus checker on your computer?

[Sallying Forth]

Hi Stranded,
Your situation is nearly identical to what mine used to be only it was me who was in your h's place. My h tried to be the go between and finally stopped trying when he saw I wasn't ready to do anything. That was in the very beginning. I soon defined their relationship with no contact for about 10 years. Then I began to decide how much interaction I would like to have with them.

The point is I decided. I protected my h from their wrath and attitude and rude comments. I had to step up to the plate because they are my family.

Gradually I've dealt with my screwed up family and now have zero contact. They are too unhealthy for contact.

It is your h's responsibility to deal with his family. And his responsibility to protect you from their wrath and attitudes. That means standing up to them. And it means that if he can't do that yet he needs to distance you from them physically, emotionally and mentally. That is his responsibility.

[Plucky]

Hi Stranded,
(BTW - why this name?)
In the beginning of our marriage, I wanted my husband to shield me from my N family.  He was not interested.  He did do a few things, and that was enough to give me a little break from time to time.    The things were such as talking on the phone to my N mother when I did not want to, taking the blame for not wanting visits, etc.

His reactions and comments were helpful for me to see what the situation really looked like.  It was helpful at that point.  But nothing really changed as a result of that. It took lots of finding this board and thinking and also lots of really dysfunctional events to do that.

If your husband just needs breathing room, and it is ok with you, you can help him with that.  But you cannot solve the problem or take it on completely. He might just be so exhausted and traumatised and need a short break and some support. More than that he has to do on his own.

Just my opinion,
Plucky

[stranded]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all for your posts.  I feel so grateful for your concern and all of your insights.

Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, and not a peep from the N's.  My H just remarked that his mother sure must be mad.  My guess is that if she were sad, there would be a lot more desperate calls trying to get him to come back into the fold.  So I think it is her stubborn pride, waiting for her son to call her, since she has done nothing wrong of course, as always!

My H's stance is basically avoidance.  But avoidance to me is so defenseless.  You're just watching the bombs fall out of the sky and running for cover.  I guess it is the path of least resistance, just perfect for my H, the king of passive agressiveness!  I'm still trying to figure out exactly why this whole situation is bothering me so much.  I feel like I think about it all the time, and my H never does.  I don't understand this all, his reactions, my reactions.   I feel pretty alone, thus my screen name.

Yes, my SIL and MIL are both very possessive of my H.  I think my MIL never felt like she had any control in her own life that she really relished having such dominion over her children's lives.  An example - my H thinks that she basically convinced and browbeated her daughter to marry someone that SHE herself approved of.

But really, I should not be so distressed about our break from them.  But as a mom, I just feel so sad for them that they are missing out on my son's life.  My MIL helped to take care of my son for 2 years and saw him half the week.  And now she's seen him twice for a few hours in the last year.  It's her fault, and she's doing this damage to herself, but I can't help but hurt for them.  My H says that that in itself says that just proves her to be a N, that her pride is more important than being with her grandson, and that she really doesn't care about any of us.  So why do I care??  I just don't understand myself.  We just got my son's first school pictures, and I would love to send them to the N's, but it ultimately is just a reminder of what they have lost, and then we start the whole drama up all over again.

I think what also leaves the N's so bewildered is that he won't talk to them, so the exile is coming from nowhere, in their eyes.  Thus, this must be all of my evildoing!  They say, yes, we have problems, but we don't deserve to be cut off.  After all, it's not like we killed anyone!  So I understand what they're saying and say this to my husband, and he says, you don't know, you didn't have to live with them.  He keeps saying that his life is so much more peaceful now.  And he gets really frustrated and angry that I don't understand, that I don't believe him that it is just much better without them.

I guess this is a question for my own soul-searching, but if my H acts as if he could care less about them, that I think more about them and their feelings than he does, then why do I care so much??  Part of it is my desire for a large extended family, but I suppose quality is more important than quantity.  Maybe I just don't feel any closure or something... Things are better now, maybe they are finally giving up, but it was pretty bad before.  I would have hours-long emotion-filled conversations with my FIL about how distraught his family was over the break, and it made me feel so guilty.  I think they were using my guilt to manipulate me - they were always saying that I had a role to play in all of this, and I wasn't doing anything but sitting back, so then they were starting to think that it was my master plan - to attack and watch the carnage ensue!  My H used to say too that I must not really love him, that I needed to stick up for him and defend him from their onslaughts.  That has all died down.  I was getting too stressed out, and I started to take care of myself first.  I stopped picking up the phone, and I stopped talking to my FIL about anything but pleasantries. 

But I liked what daylily essentially said - I should concentrate on making our own nuclear family a more cohesive one.  Thinking more along those lines, I should focus on making it the family that I want and deserve, and let go of the family I got stuck with!  And I need to focus on the people who love me, not on the people who don't even like me or respect me.

[mudpuppy]

Hi stranded,

But I liked what daylily essentially said - I should concentrate on making our own nuclear family a more cohesive one.  Thinking more along those lines, I should focus on making it the family that I want and deserve, and let go of the family I got stuck with!  And I need to focus on the people who love me, not on the people who don't even like me or respect me.

I couldn't agree more. Extended families are fine as long as they are loving ones.
I, quite frankly, think you should consider your husband's avoidance of them as a much better and healthier approach than your own. Your husband and kids are your responsibility, not a bunch of trouble making, manipulative inlaws. Why do you care so much what they are missing? It is their choice, by their behavior.
 If they come to you and apologize and make an actual effort to treat your family with respect then everything can be hunky dory.
If they continue to manipulate, shame and divide your family then avoidance is not only a real defense it is the best one. The alternative is usually a lifetime of pointless, damaging, painful conflict or demeaning capitulation.

Think of them as a chained up Rotweiller who's having a bad day in the middle of a yard you want to cross with your children. Is it better to walk straight across with a puny stick in your hand or to avoid him altogether by walking around the perimeter?

mudpup

[stranded]

If they come to you and apologize and make an actual effort to treat your family with respect then everything can be hunky dory.
If they continue to manipulate, shame and divide your family then avoidance is not only a real defense it is the best one. The alternative is usually a lifetime of pointless, damaging, painful conflict or demeaning capitulation.

You are right, mudpuppy.  Thank you.  I think that the problem is that I have been labeling my H's behavior as negative and passive-agressive.  But in terms of N's, it is basically just cutting off their supply, right?  When you said "a lifetime of conflict or ... capitulation," it was enlightening.  I definitely  don't want that.  And the less contact we have, the better things have been.  I don't know why I forget that.  I still don't understand why I care so much, but I think if I focus on what I want - a happy and healthy family -  it becomes more and more clear that any energy spent thinking about the N's takes energy I could be spending on loving my own family.

[mudpuppy]

I still don't understand why I care so much,

Is it possible this is a form of avoidance too? As in avoiding their aggression by placating them?
I'm not saying it is, just wondering if you had ever considered that.

mudpup

[Hopalong]

Hi Stranded,
I'd just like to add a vote for enthusiastically creating an extended family...through involving your whole nuclear family, including the kids, is some positive church or community group that meets regularly, shares potlucks, gets to know each other and stays knit together as friends for YEARS.

You can do this! It's often healthier than BIOextended families, and it can give you just as much, if not more, security and warmth.

Can you think of any sorts of places like that you might like to investigate?
It's just the same as with a biofamily, except your commitment to a healthy community or group is voluntary. So it can be even more enriching.

I know friends of mine have been like loyal aunts to my child, and my circle of friends and church-friends have truly become my extended family. I'm not close to my Nbrother, have no husband so no Inlaws, and going out and creating a family of friends was the only answer. It's never too late to do that...

love,
Hopalong