you guys are so kind and supportive! Thank you.
I don't think dad will ever forgive me for insisting on my own boundaries, it's just not done in our family of denial and passive-agressive hostility...he will have taken it like a wound and though it might seem healed on the surface it never is with him.
My brother and sister make him worse by being so passive, though my sister did once respond in extremis to his going on about his own terrible childhood for the millionth time with 'and what do you think it was like for us?!'
And don't think I'm not sympathetic to his childhood pain, but when someone in their sixties is still blaming and lashing out after years of therapy and support, you know they are not going to take responsibility and try to move on.
It was his excuse about how neglected we were- his own childhood.
His relationship with the therapists was interesting, he'd go from saying they were wonderful ( not like the last one etc ) and were making him better to harrassing them until they wouldn't take his calls to responding badly when they challenged him and finally say how incompetent and uncaring they were. I've often thought he's Borderline PD, people are either wonderful or terrible, and each relationship even professional ones follows the same path: he'll behave at forst charming and submissive, then outrageously, then angry and hurt when it's not tolerated.
Once my brother ( who has schizophrenia ) wasn't well & became over-involved with his therapist and called her at home, where she was having a party; she told him strongly not to call her outside the office or office hours, and I remember dad being furious because ' she really upset him.'
I had been working as a social worker and tried to explain professional boundaries and it wasn't appropriate etc but he couldn't see it.
I think he really thought the woman should respond to her clients 24/7 'or she shouldn't be in the job'!
He doesn't have the power to hurt me with his words any more, but there's still a sadness that I haven't had/got loving parents, and I am so thankful for some of the other adults in my life and that they showed me better love and unconditional love.
I got some Xmas parcels this week, from old friends, they make every effort to do nice things for us, have done for years, and in many ways have been so much better role models and grandparents.
During the time when I told dad I couldn't take his calls any more he bumped into them and they inadvertently said they'd spoken to me the week before and I was fine...boy was he mad. Not pleased I was doing ok and he'd had news of that- furious because I'd talked to someone else and not him.
He has always said about me 'she'll do anything for anyone except me'!
and resented any other people being part of my life.
All my life I've done voluntary work, and frankly it's landed me most of my career jobs so not entirely altruistic; he has never had a good word to say about any of it, I guess time spent doing things with or for other people was wasted time I didn't spend with him.
Whenever I think about my father it's with a huge *SIGH*
