Author Topic: Thankful for no chaos  (Read 2298 times)

Sallying Forth

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Thankful for no chaos
« on: December 05, 2005, 05:16:05 PM »
Early this morning I had the realization that there isn't any chaos in my life. My entire life has been filled with chaos from either from my Nparents and Nbrother or my stb-exNh. All that chaos would heighten during holidays and become a crazy, frenetic energy. :eek:  All four relationships have always been chaotic and frenzied.

Even though I am going through lots of changes and grieving, there is no chaos![/b] Life is filled with enough stress. I don't need more with a relationship.

This holiday season is even more peaceful than Thanksgiving. I was concerned about not having a Christmas tree or decorations or lights but now I don't know if that stuff really matters. What matters more is what I feel in my heart and how I am living. I still might get something but I am not so attached to having it.

This holiday is going to be a simple, quiet Christmas where I get back to the true meaning of the season. :)
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

Hopalong

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2005, 05:32:29 PM »
What a fantastic post.

Thanks, Sally.

Reason for the seizin' , I mean season...
 :)

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Plucky

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2005, 05:46:35 PM »
Peace is wonderful.  I am happy you have it.
One day you will want to be wth people again.   When you are ready.
Plucky

Marta

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2005, 01:38:50 AM »
SF,

Have a very nice and quiet Christmas. It sounds lovely. Surround yourself with your paintings, think of us as your friends who are with you and bringing you gifts, and go for a quiet walk. Sip a nice glass of wine and think of the long way you've come. Oh, don't forget to buy yourself a nice christmas gift.

Hugs, Marta

Chicken

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2005, 06:48:14 AM »
Glad to hear you are giving yourself the things you need!  No chaos!?  Bliss!
I think you are learning now to give yourself peace, tranquility and the things you deserve. 
Enjoy it-  you are working hard for it

write

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2005, 01:54:58 AM »
Good for you SF!

It has taken me some time to get used to no chaos.
At first life seemed duller, less real. But it was all the adrenalin feeding my bipolar and keeping me in a state of high alert.

Now I can do things that were lost to me for ages- read a book from start to finish in a day; swim and enjoy the water not be caught up in how many lengths; watch a film all the way through; listen; and best of all play with the children and not feel like I should be rushing around doing 101 other things which seem high priority and are so much less important...

You are right about the christmas trimmings too.
I don't enjoy them much, so we have a deal, ex-h puts them up at his house and I'll help clear away at the end of the season.

Thanksgiving was my first ever non-emotion-charged happy holiday.
Even the dinner I cooked was simple, so I could enjoy it not be stressing about complicated recipes.

And the word 'grieving' in your post- I really don't think you can grieve unless there is a place and time of calm to do it.
The years I have jumped into chaos and frenzy to avoid that mourning...

and what helps so much is having a bad day now just means I come here and write about it, and I'm getting really secure to know- in a few hours that's all it will be...memory of a bad day.

Life is filled with enough stress. I don't need more with a relationship.

I think we're in the same place with that.

There are days I feel lonely but I met with a girl friend a few days ago and she was telling me about this latest round of men she's been dating, this time from a website...she sounded lonelier than ever when she was joking about the guy who called and arranged a date then called her again by accident a minute later and called her another woman's name.
Then when we parted she said, why don't you sign up? it's time you started going out again...I just said no thanks, but I was thinking, there's no peace lies in that direction.

But then- you have to be able to bear peace before you can live peacefully.
And that means accepting the revelations of yourself at peace- and all those buried moments of pain and shame and anger.

You know, when I was first looking for this peace about 15 years ago, I started meditating.
I would light candles and try to find a calm place in the house.
For a long time ex n-h would explode whenever I lit candles, his phrase was 'you're weirding again'.
Thank goodness candles became popular in home furnishings or I might have been consigned to an institution by now...

Now, almost two years after we separated, he never comments on the candles, though he has found his own joy in lighting a big log fire ( on the rare occasions it's cold enough here )

Take care SF, you sound so together and free.



Hopalong

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2005, 11:07:49 AM »
you have to be able to bear peace before you can live peacefully.
And that means accepting the revelations of yourself at peace- and all those buried moments of pain and shame and anger


Thank you for this, Write. Your description of running into chaos to avoid what might arise in peace was really helpful. Applies to all sorts of situations beyond the holidays.

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Sallying Forth

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2005, 07:53:12 AM »
I noticed only recently that I am no longer afraid of the dark. For my entire life up until this month I've always been afraid of the dark. I've usually slept with a light on, especially during the last 17 years. Now i don't mind it when the lights are off and I enter my dark house or the dark yard at night or my dark room at night or driving at night. All these incidents would give me panic/anxiety attacks before. NOT ANY MORE!  YIIPPPEEEE!!!!!  :D  :D  :D

I think this about less chaos and more peacefulness within.
The truth is in me.[/color]

I'm Sallying Forth on a new adventure! :D :D :D

solayads

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2005, 05:02:47 PM »
Hi Sallying Forth:

It is interesting that you should mention the word "chaos".  Ever since I left the poisonous church that I attended, I notice that peace has settled over my life.  Its not that I don't have the normal, everyday issues, but everything was so crazy on a daily basis while I was a member.  I couldn't sleep, I was stressed out most of the time, and I had trouble thinking clearly. I feel that I have more of a grip on my life now...even though I sometimes experience sadness due to my experience, I feel a sense of relief.

Sometimes it is the people who we meet up with throughout our lives that bring their chaotic energy with them that creates the chaos in our own lives.

The truth is, some people thrive on chaos.  You have been called to "peace".  Enjoy it!

LostSurvivor

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #9 on: December 14, 2005, 12:04:21 AM »
I am so happy for you and encouraged by your post. Being new here, I do not know about everyone's experiences, but I can most definitely relate to the devastating effects of people who cause chaos in our lives. I've often thought that the holidays should be as you described and hope you enjoy them.   LostSurvivor

seasons

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Re: Thankful for no chaos
« Reply #10 on: December 15, 2005, 10:14:13 AM »
How wonderful for you. I wish you the best holiday ever. Your peacefulness is contagious!

Thanks for sharing your joy. seasons
"Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God."
Maya Angelou