Good for you SF!
It has taken me some time to get used to no chaos.
At first life seemed duller, less real. But it was all the adrenalin feeding my bipolar and keeping me in a state of high alert.
Now I can do things that were lost to me for ages- read a book from start to finish in a day; swim and enjoy the water not be caught up in how many lengths; watch a film all the way through; listen; and best of all play with the children and not feel like I should be rushing around doing 101 other things which seem high priority and are so much less important...
You are right about the christmas trimmings too.
I don't enjoy them much, so we have a deal, ex-h puts them up at his house and I'll help clear away at the end of the season.
Thanksgiving was my first ever non-emotion-charged happy holiday.
Even the dinner I cooked was simple, so I could enjoy it not be stressing about complicated recipes.
And the word 'grieving' in your post- I really don't think you can grieve unless there is a place and time of calm to do it.
The years I have jumped into chaos and frenzy to avoid that mourning...
and what helps so much is having a bad day now just means I come here and write about it, and I'm getting really secure to know- in a few hours that's all it will be...memory of a bad day.
Life is filled with enough stress. I don't need more with a relationship.
I think we're in the same place with that.
There are days I feel lonely but I met with a girl friend a few days ago and she was telling me about this latest round of men she's been dating, this time from a website...she sounded lonelier than ever when she was joking about the guy who called and arranged a date then called her again by accident a minute later and called her another woman's name.
Then when we parted she said, why don't you sign up? it's time you started going out again...I just said no thanks, but I was thinking, there's no peace lies in that direction.
But then- you have to be able to bear peace before you can live peacefully.
And that means accepting the revelations of yourself at peace- and all those buried moments of pain and shame and anger.
You know, when I was first looking for this peace about 15 years ago, I started meditating.
I would light candles and try to find a calm place in the house.
For a long time ex n-h would explode whenever I lit candles, his phrase was 'you're weirding again'.
Thank goodness candles became popular in home furnishings or I might have been consigned to an institution by now...
Now, almost two years after we separated, he never comments on the candles, though he has found his own joy in lighting a big log fire ( on the rare occasions it's cold enough here )
Take care SF, you sound so together and free.
