It's a biggie

actually it's huge

. I'm gonna cut it in half....
Hopalong:
You're one of those people who makes me feel stronger in myself.I understand this now. I understand that it doesn’t have to be competitive!! Nothing has to be competitive. It’s not about black/white right/wrong good/bad better than/worse than…..wiser than/thicker than!!!!
Toxic shame infects and distorts every other emotion, even joy. Sadness. All emotions.
“I am the master emotion
I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation”
the whole meditation (I’d call it a poem) is right here:
http://www.goddirect.org/mindemtn/writings/january/toxshame.htmI don’t enjoy being picked out to shine. I had an experience where I was picked out to shine (at work) and I felt really very odd and strange. Like it was happening to someone else. (What, I dissociated from success??) Mind you, it was done in the form of a video which I watched so …. I wasn’t really shining as me, but as an image of me. Anyway, that’s by the by (maybe?). I can’t work out what was so odd about the feelings associated. In fact, I would say I didn’t know what to feel? ‘Okay’ about it? Modest? Proud? Rightfully happy to be chosen? (icky) Maybe I was sitting waiting for someone to say…….”Oh aren’t you the clever one?” “Hope you don’t get too big for your boots!” “Who does she think she is…?”…….
Hey I’d really like to have a copy of that video! I could watch it now and think yay, I did that! Hahaha. Maybe I’ll do something new instead eh? Yes.
If I can help you feel stronger, that makes me feel stronger too. Wow.
Hang on, toxicity. Can I try this out?
Sadness + toxic shame = ?? I feel that I am bad for feeling sad. I feel that I’m flawed in the way I feel sad. I can’t just
be sad.
Joy + toxic shame = ? I feel happy happy! But it’s not genuine? My feelings are fraudulent? I know it won’t last? I might be a bit stuck here….anyone got other descriptions ??
Anger + toxic shame = oh well, easy. I’m really angry and …. I’m bad for feeling it! I’m guilty about my legitimate anger! I’m a bad person for being angry. Not just :
I am angry.
That’s it isn’t it? With toxic shame there’s always the underlying feeling – I am bad/worthless/a mistake over-riding and muddying the plain emotion.
I am happy. I am sad. I am angry – they’re always followed by - BUT I’m bad….
Gosh!
Sela:
I wonder what percentage feels what percentage??Hahaaaaaaaaaaa!

Good point. And very funny.

How do I feel? More than 50% and that’s darn good. Anytime 50%+ is excellent! If -50% is numbed out, frozen, acting out, co-dependent, depressed…anything more is a bonus. Yep. I feel about ….. 60% maybe. Maybe more. That’s how I would judge myself against my image of the most self-aware, self-accepting person. Oooooo. Maybe that’s too high given that criteria? Hahaha this is not a good route to go down I feeeeel! Measuring, comparing ……
Ah maybe if we think of a new-born baby being at 100%? Okay (*thinks* *attempts to think* *tries harder*)….
…..(brain just tried to make a run for the door) ….
…augnnnneraughhhhh….nnnnnfff…
Sorry. No can do. Well okay. Maybe it depends on when, who, why….
Sometimes I feel 99% (studying something so closely, intently, that I lose myself: or maybe lost in a great big huge laugh)
Sometimes 51% (holding those toxic shame + anger thoughts inside my head and not letting them spill out of my big gob)
Less than 50%? It’s bound to happen every once in a while isn’t it? So I won’t feel bad if/when it does.
Glad that’s sorted out then! Major achievement.

Thanks, it feels good!
Mother: "Would you like to attend and worship me?"
Portia: "No thanks".

*hic*
