Advice please.....!!!!
I moved last year in June and did not tell my parents that I moved. I just couldn't bear having them over to my new house and sit there and apologize for my entire life and my new home..... again. They have made it a habit of dropping in unannounced or insist on visiting on my kids birthdays because my N mom was ignored on her birthday because it was Dec 24th and now she won't rest until she invades everyones life so she can get some "personal gratification" by bringing a meaningless trinket to the grandkids--or kids--whatever the case. And then proceeds to ignore the birthday person while she babbles on about herself.
I look back and I can only see the things she has done throughout my entire life have only been ultimately for herself. " Look at me everyone---I'm perfect!"
Anyway---I could go on...but back to the current episode.
I have always been the "pretzel" child who has done everything "just right" (by observing her judgment of others) so as not to upset her or be judged by her.
Since I moved away and got married 16 years ago, I have mostly just pretended to be whatever she needed when we talked which hasn't been that often. Before that, I knew no better.
So, she finds out I moved 3 miles away from my current home. (Thanks sis) I finally call her, out of guilt, and she is SO icy cold, SO mean(obviously she is livid)...so I ask....
"is this the way it's going to be? I reach out to you and you are going to treat me like this? Why are you so angry?"
"What do you mean?" she says.
Keep in mind, I have never crossed her before, at 35 with 6 children of my own, I haven't dared.
"I'm not mad" she insists. I know better. An idiot could feel the coldness. She also likes to pretend she is conveniently deaf because she really doesn't give a ______________what others have to say.
I tell her to stop pretending she can't hear me. I politely tell her I moved and was calling to let her know.
She hates anyone to admit they know she is hard of hearing even though it is so obvious. Cause she's perfect ya know.
After a few minutes of the same... I yell "Fine, Mom, you will see me when you see me then" and hang up.
I guess I finally cracked.
Well, I haven't spoken to her yet and that was August. She did call my phone and leave a message saying she" apologized for whatever she did that made me angry" Still blaming me for being unreasonable. Still not owning her behavior, only doing what she thinks she has to do to cover because she realizes she has finally pushed me too far.
I have stayed silent. Mad, yes. (Actually I have sounded a lot like Sela's recent P'd post in my mind over and over again)I do not want to play nice and pretend anymore. Not wanting to let her get away with it any more. I have wanted to ignore her and my entire family but I have worried if that made ME an N. I have written terrible harsh rants and explanations on my computer knowing I will never send them. I'm too nice, besides she will never understand anyway. Or even try. It is so frustrating. Anyway, I am trying to get some peace in my life. It's actually been nice without having to worry about those uncomfortable visits and calls. Very nice. I just realized the other day that not once in my life have i been glad to see them(my parents). Ever.
OK--so Christmas week comes and my sis calls to leave me a message about a family holiday/Mom's birthday party at mom's on-----Christmas Eve. Absolutely NOT. I have made it very clear over many years, that Christmas Eve is for my husband and kids. We have simply refused for years to go to parties on this day. We want to spend it with our kids and traditions. Actually, I think my sis, who is enjoying stirring up trouble for me, did it on purpose to make me come across as the villain. I actually called her after I hung up on my mom and told her too much crap about how I felt. She has obviously broken that trust and told the entire family what I said. Pretty sure she is an N too, by the way. Different than mom. But still an N.
Among those things I said was that I did not want anything to do with any of my brothers, parents, or her any more. I was sick of it all. They were driving me crazy and I wanted to move on with my life. She has always claimed that she gives a crap about me, but only calls when she wants to use me. She has called to pretend she wants to do "lunch" since, but it is only feigned attempts to cover her own butt and so she can blame me when I politely refuse. My brothers all seem to be mutes married to varying versions of our mother. Mutes like my dad, who although can sometimes be a real ass in his own way, I think at least he is mostly afraid of my mom and her wrath. Not an N. So he is just depressed and checked out. Sleeps a lot and doesn't talk--never has. Claims he has narcolepsy, but I wonder if it is a just good escape. Still doesn't justify ignoring me as a child. hmmmm.....
So, I send an email to sis apologizing I cannot attend. Very nice and simple. I send a card to mom and a nice gift card to her favorite store for birthday/christmas. Nice and simple, not a nasty hint of anything.
So, Christmas Eve morning, my kids open the front door to....a porch of strange little "presents" all wrapped for the holiday and a few for the birthdays that she has missed of my kids and ones she assumes she will miss coming soon. One is mine----and attached is a letter. I feel guilty, ticked off they violated my boundaries, bad for my kids cause they don't understand, kinda creeped out...etc. I don't want to read the letter because I want to be mad and I don't want to be manipulated by her words---- because I mistakenly think she is capable of really caring. My husband tries to talk to me, I am getting mad, she is starting to ruin my holiday just as planned. Husband feels bad for THEM. (He kinda tries to support me, but he doesn't understand---she has always made herself look too oblivious to be as awful as she is)
Her letter gives me just what I needed, I can't believe it. I finally drove her to let out a glimpse of her real self in writing so at least he could see and start to understand what I am dealing with. (Husband is quite another story---I don't want to be paranoid, but you guessed it, I married one too--an N that is) so I feel like I am fighting on all fronts.
The letter: In summary----very formal tone--as if this is business.
First P: Of course, the we love and miss you line.----as she knows is expected by all.
2nd P: Pretending to be wise and learned, but really chastising me for being difficult.
3rd P: Key words: ... disappointed, blah, blah---you are punishing and unfair to dad and your family because of me (me, me ,blah, blah, me,me....). "I apologized, but you won't accept that. Your anger will only hurt you."
Note: Still all about her. And my anger only hurting me I see as her way of saying---you can't hurt me. You aren't hurting me. This is the key paragraph. The rest is the babble she knows is expected of her as the mom-type-person. ("mom-bot" I like to say) Besides, the only reason any of my brothers would be hurt is if she and my sister were telling lies and gossip to them and painting me out to have turned on them so they will be on her side. Otherwise, our relationship would be the usual cold, weird, uncomfortable silence it has been for years. Who needs that?
4th P to end: Back to the obligatory "we love and miss you and hope you are safe and well. We don't care who you are or where you live."
One thing that set this all off is my knowing that she will not approve of my new respectable home in a respectable neighborhood. A "move up" so to speak. She hates people who strive for anything besides squalor. "Poor but proud" seems to be her motto. She even stopped talking to her brother because he was successful. I will not attend her church anymore either. They are nutjobs. But that is a totally different story. Think I need a support group for growing up in that religion too. Anyway, my point is... I know I am nothing she would approve of and I won't apologize for it any more. I have lived a very respectable life, but will never get credit for it because I didn't do it her way. (church-mouse poor & brainwashed) I just need to get away.
I feel very sorry for that feeling, I feel guilty.
And finally---My Question:
I want to send a letter, but I don't want to be rude or give her any excuses to "show" anyone how awful I am for defending myself. I feel like she has showed up to my door, a bullying sneak attack maneuver, in an effort to kick a sleeping dog in order to get response from me. I feel like telling her to respect my boundaries and stop bullying. Because this sleeping dog could bite. I have restrained myself for a lifetime. I have restrained myself and stayed away from family functions so as not to cause a fight these last few months. Maybe she should try some restraint. Maybe my sister too. She seems to be having way too much fun, seeing and helping her obedient sister fall into bad grace with the family.
Or should I just tell her(them), I am not comfortable or ready to talk with her or anyone right now, and I am sorry if that is hard for her(them).
Or shoud I stay silent.
I don't know and it is driving my crazy. Any advice would be so much appreciated. I am just realizing and reading up on this Nism and am still quite new. I never understood her before until recently. But reading your posts when I can has already helped me like you would not believe. Thank you so much! My husband won't talk to me about it. He tries to monitor my computer use, I think he knows deep down I am figuring him out too. Him I can deal with for now, he's not dangerous, just manipulative. I just need some helpful ideas from people who won't judge me. It seems anywhere I turn, I have no allies. This has been a hard pill to swallow so I try to be a healthy as I can for my kids and not do this crap to them as well as save them from their fathers Nisms. I have bent myself into a pretzel to please him since I tried to leave my mom's sickness 16 years ago. I am taking everything day by day. Minute by minute. Trying not to fall apart. I do feel at times like I am going crazy though. My mind races around. I feel like I am pacing in my head. The confusion, the turmoil, the self-doubt. I have told my husband I need therapy (for years actually). He nods, but won't support it , I know. I think he is afraid my eyes will be opened to him.......and I will get more of a backbone than I am starting to get now. Wow, sorry about this going on for so long. This is my first post and I am trying to stick to the basics. Hard though.
Thanks for listening, it helps to get it out. I feel not so alone.
