Bean, what stands out to me the most is that you said all your siblings have turned against you in the past. Maybe you just need to take a break from them all for a while and see how it settles? I'm not a good one to give advice on dealing with family politics. Having had so little family in my life, it's not something I have had to deal with much at all. (Being abandoned has its advantages, eh? LOL)
Jac -- Thanks for your thoughtful post. I don't know. This relationship with Red Hawk is the first relationship, ever, that I am not coming out of it totally devastated, morose and punishing myself with paralyzing inverted anger (i.e., depression). My best friend of 8 years told me she thought it was the most positive change she has ever seen in me, because in the past I would go through terrible throes of self-blame and self-doubt at the end of relationships. With this one I see the one mistake (or a two-in-one mistake), of continuing the relationship after the initial red flag about the ex, but beyond that I really don't feel unhappy with my own behavior. And in many ways, I have been very happy with his behavior, especially in that we always had open communication, and communicated a lot. Also, there is a long and intense history with him and his ex that I only came to appreciate as time went on and he told me more. (For instance he gave up a job that paid $200,000 a year to try to save his marriage -- i.e., return to Texas since she was not coming to join him out of state as planned -- and then when discovering her first strong clues of unfaithfulness hung on in misery for years, then came the flagrant cheating, then his great rage and suicidal stuff, and has not had a decent paying job now in 5 years since that all started happening. He's a LOT better off today than 6 months ago, but I really think he literally has not had enough time to heal. In a "normal" divorce the year and a half not living at the same address with her would usually be enough, but under the extreme circumstances I can easily see that he probably needs another year or two just to process the past 5 years. I think we were two people meeting the right person at the wrong time.
We had such a beautiful relationship in so many ways. It was the best I ever had. My life has been like that since I was little: started out a total nightmare, and the older I get the better things get, but slowly and in gradations.
Right now I am definitely going through a lot of the anger stage. I am angry with his ex for her meddling in our relationship in the subtle (to him) and not-so-subtle ways (to me). I am angry with him for letting someone who has been so abusive to him make him feel beholden to her, and I am angry with him for not honoring our love enough to completely divorce her -- but like I said, I can see where my mistake was in the beginning, and I also see that he is definitely not finished processing with her. From what I have read on N behavior, I expect she will "do him dirty" again one day, and it irks me no end that he is just sitting there waiting for it. He is so much like me -- and so much like how I used to be.
Oh well. For now, I will just do my best to take things one day at a time...