I disowned my N mother

[tejaspear]

Wasn't sure if this would go appropriately in another thread, so just posting separately in case that's better.

My N mother didn't want to have me but my father made her carry the pregnancy full term. (This he told me when I was 18 and asking questions.) She abandoned me and my brother when she divorced my dad and got engaged to another man. Long story, but basically she was always very cold toward me and even when I went around to get to know her as an adult (at 29 years of age) she lacked any maternal qualities, enjoying telling me stories about myself as a child, (only a couple), such as the one where someone told her they couldn't believe I was her baby because she was so much prettier than me.

Anyhow, her lack of emotion toward me over the following years continued to be a source of sadness and hurt to me. At age 42 I realized that I was literally weeping at least once a year when remembering her and wishing she would love me "like a real mother." Someone told me that a therapist of a person she knew with a very similar family dynamic counseled the person to "divorce" or disown her family as it was not going to get any better, and she would be better off for it, and that really spoke to me.

I disowned my mother. I did that 10 years ago, and she never has written or called me since, which was no surprise to me. It was as I expected. But the wonderful thing is that ever since that year I have not once wept again about it. The pain is gone. As long as I hoped for love from my N mother I was bound to be disappointed. Now that I have divorced her and hold out no hope for her ever truly caring about me, I have felt very freed -- and since then my relationships with others have become healthier, because if they are cruel to me I no longer stick around for more.

I got word from my half-sister that my N mother went into the hospital recently. I did not even ask how she is doing. And I don't feel bad about that.

[Plucky]

Good for you Tej!
I am just going to go out on a limb here.  Would there possibly be any way that your other relationships contain an element of replaying this relationship, or lack of, with your mother, in order to 'fix' it?
For example, trying to win over someone to want you, choose you, commit to you?
Plucky
 

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Tej

I feel so inspired by your post because you sound strong and positive and also you know you did the right thing.

I stopped contact with my bio dad last year (long story... isn't it always!).... he posted on a website about him disowning me, and I thought, I haven't disowned him as I was still checking on how he was doing etc.  He's still occupying a lot of my mental space as well, but at some point I really hope to be where you are.

I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Take care

H&H xx

[tejaspear]

Hi Plucky -- about trying to recreate my r-ship with my mother, no, I don't think I do that -- but my life has been complicated by a whole lot more than just my N mother who, after all, was not even around from the age of 8. I had a BPD father, possibly also N -- not sure, who also committed suicide but not until I was an adult. All kinds of fun stuff here, huh?    Really I feel best about this last relationship in that I picked someone who was as loving and wonderful as he is -- but for that one fatal flaw, my "picker" is getting much, much better.

H&H -- For me, to disown or divorce my mom, I had to "make it real" by stating it to her. It was just in voicemail, but I knew she would get it. I kept it simple but said stuff like, "As far as I'm concerned I'm not your daughter anymore and you're not my mother. I have yearned for so long to feel loved by you and it never happened, and I refuse to let my heart wait around any longer for the love you are never going to give me. Goodbye. Finally."

Something like that. Good luck whatever you do. Boy, it sure helped me a lot.     

[tejaspear]

Correction!  I wrote,

"-- and since then my relationships with others have become healthier, because if they are cruel to me I no longer stick around for more."

I wrote that without thinking through what I was saying. Fact is, I quit letting people be cruel to me long before I disowned my mother. But I think what I was trying to say is that I am getting better at losing attraction to those who would make me feel I must "wait" for their love (which never comes). And when they display coldness or cruelty, I feel guilt-free about cutting them off if that is what is needed.

[Sela]

Hi Tejaspear:

Good to meet you!  I love your post.

I think this mental divorcing is detrimental for many people's emotional well-being.  It's like severing a connection......which is very difficult eh?  It must have been tough for you to give up communicating with your bio mom, even though she wasn't communicating much of anything to you (other than stuff that seemed to hurt).  Still......you were trying to connect with her......express stuff to her, which ofcourse.......SHE DIDN'T/DOESN'T HEAR! (because she can't stop focussing on herself long enough to even notice her daughter!!)

I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry that some people are simply egg donors or sperm donors in this world.  They do not have any business having children, as they are too totally selfish and useless to be parents.  Good for you for cutting those emotional ties!  That's probably the best thing you could possibly do for yourself.   The old saying........you can't get blood from a stone........sure fits eh?   So good for you for realizing, accepting and doing something about that!  For moving on and living your own life!!  Divorcing her from it!!!

This is similar to banishing the thoughts of people from our heads or deciding not to think about them any more.  The whole idea is to put distance between us and those who have harmed us.  I think we will know we have accomplished that, especially, when we no longer ......think....about them, or when a thought does pop into our mind.....and there is no great emotional feeling generated by that thought, or we simply ignor it and go on to something we want to think about.

What gives me hope is that I truly believe we can and do have an effect on how we feel by choosing to think, or not think, about certain stuff.  It's a tool we can use.  A little shovel we can use to sift through the muck.  And with some work and a time......we can clear a path to a clear place....a much more comfortable place.

   Sela

[tejaspear]

I know it was easier for me than most people with N mothers, since she was not a big part of my life most of my life. Though I cried and cried, wanting her, when I was a kid, I realize now how very fortunate I was not to have lived with her the entire time I grew up. Her physical distance on top of emotional distance, and lack of communication with me, made it much easier to divorce her. I really haven't thought about her all that much the past ten years, but lately as I have been learning more and more about the pathology of narcissism the subject of her in my life certainly causes the remembrances!

I let go of another narcissist last night. He was someone I was very enamored of when I first met him, especially because his eyes reminded me of my father's (who was I think an NPD/BPD and who committed suicide in the end). He, this guy, is very grandiose and sooooo spiritual and philanthropic, etc. But the longer I got to know him the more I realized that everything was about HIM. It's another long story, but I finally lost my crush on him when he raged at me cruelly one day for ridiculous reasons. He was never my b/f but we had discussed the possibility many times. Anyhow, he has always said, the year I have known him, that he wants to "always" be my friend -- and he wants me for my work skills (for a big project that he believes will make him very rich and famous and which he has always told me would make me very rich as well).

One reason I bought the book "Malignant Self Love" by Vaknin was to learn more about Narcissists so I could decide how I should deal with this guy. He still had so many plans for me to be a big part of his work, and I felt very ambiguous about it. Last night when he called to set up things for me to get to work on his project I was unresponsive and he became irritated and impatient. I told him I have a lot of other work to do and this wasn't a good time. He got extremely agitated and pretty much dumped me, I think (and hope). Before, I thought maybe I should go ahead and work for him, for the money, etc. Now I realize that I don't want to work that closely with someone like that. I can only see bad things coming of it. I didn't really know the best way to break it off with him and didn't want to make it any worse than it would have to be. Knowing now about Narcissistic Supply my strategy has been to cut off that supply -- i.e., neither to give him praise or admiration nor anything that is "useful" to him, so that he will come to see me as not worth bothering with.

[tejaspear]

Hi Bean,

Of course I don't know your situation, but for me the best thing was to make it brief and as a one-way communicaton (i.e., without her there to say anything back). Because I was not trying to start or continue any dialogue -- only to finally END it. If it is what is right for you, my best advice is to be brief, clear and concise. Less is more. I was actually VERY angry when I did it and also told her she could "go to hell" for all I cared. Later I felt bad about that part and wrote her a letter years later saying I still did not want to be a part of her life but that I was sorry for saying I wished her to go to hell and that I wish no harm to her. That felt better. For me, I didn't do it perfectly and had to write that other letter later, but the most important thing was that I did it and then was done with it and was able to go on with my life free of the constant re-runs of impotent tears that accomplished nothing but to make me feel deep hurt.

Best of luck to you!

[tejaspear]

Bean, what stands out to me the most is that you said all your siblings have turned against you in the past. Maybe you just need to take a break from them all for a while and see how it settles? I'm not a good one to give advice on dealing with family politics. Having had so little family in my life, it's not something I have had to deal with much at all. (Being abandoned has its advantages, eh? LOL)

Jac -- Thanks for your thoughtful post. I don't know. This relationship with Red Hawk is the first relationship, ever, that I am not coming out of it totally devastated, morose and punishing myself with paralyzing inverted anger (i.e., depression). My best friend of 8 years told me she thought it was the most positive change she has ever seen in me, because in the past I would go through terrible throes of self-blame and self-doubt at the end of relationships. With this one I see the one mistake (or a two-in-one mistake), of continuing the relationship after the initial red flag about the ex, but beyond that I really don't feel unhappy with my own behavior. And in many ways, I have been very happy with his behavior, especially in that we always had open communication, and communicated a lot. Also, there is a long and intense history with him and his ex that I only came to appreciate as time went on and he told me more. (For instance he gave up a job that paid $200,000 a year to try to save his marriage -- i.e., return to Texas since she was not coming to join him out of state as planned -- and then when discovering her first strong clues of unfaithfulness hung on in misery for years, then came the flagrant cheating, then his great rage and suicidal stuff, and has not had a decent paying job now in 5 years since that all started happening. He's a LOT better off today than 6 months ago, but I really think he literally has not had enough time to heal. In a "normal" divorce the year and a half not living at the same address with her would usually be enough, but under the extreme circumstances I can easily see that he probably needs another year or two just to process the past 5 years. I think we were two people meeting the right person at the wrong time.

We had such a beautiful relationship in so many ways. It was the best I ever had. My life has been like that since I was little: started out a total nightmare, and the older I get the better things get, but slowly and in gradations.

Right now I am definitely going through a lot of the anger stage. I am angry with his ex for her meddling in our relationship in the subtle (to him) and not-so-subtle ways (to me). I am angry with him for letting someone who has been so abusive to him make him feel beholden to her, and I am angry with him for not honoring our love enough to completely divorce her -- but like I said, I can see where my mistake was in the beginning, and I also see that he is definitely not finished processing with her. From what I have read on N behavior, I expect she will "do him dirty" again one day, and it irks me no end that he is just sitting there waiting for it. He is so much like me -- and so much like how I used to be.

Oh well. For now, I will just do my best to take things one day at a time...

[Marta]

Bean, suppose you confine your relationship with sibs only to discussions of perfctly plite topics, like latest movies, and keep in touch through sending cards etc. Would they still cut you out?

Ns use everything they hear about you and everything you tell them against you, so that is probably where BPD idea came from. Your mom will always find ways to tell you that its you. Always. To get her to stop doing that is like trying to plug a broken dam with cotton wool. It can't be done. The only way out is to develop spiritual power that anchors you to who you think you are (as opposed to who she thinks you are) and not give into to her crap no matter how high pitched her pitch gets.

I bought the book "Malignant Self Love"

Looks like the N sold you something you could get for free from manybooks.net. 

[tejaspear]

Vaknin didn't get the money. I bought it from (another N maybe) as a used book from amazon.com for a ridiculously high price (don't ask!). thanks for letting me know about manybooks.net coz my best friend needs a copy too! 

[tejaspear]

Hi bean,

yes, yes, i DO feel I have been healing all my life -- some years more slowly than others -- but the older I get the better things get, the briefer "bad" relationships last -- 10 minutes or 10 weeks as opposed to years -- and the less "bad" the relationships are. The men I choose are treating me better and better, and the son I raised (and I raised him always remembering I wanted to give him the mother I never had) mostly as a single mom has come out confident, strong, kind, considerate, healthy and with a strong sense of what he wants in life. Just GIVING healthy love to another has forced me to get better too. I can't change how others behave, but I can always work on myself.

But to tell the honest to God truth, I don't believe I could have made it so well without the meditation practice I do along the the help and inspiration of the person who taught me that practice (Prem Rawat). I've been, much with his help, learning to find that love inside me that the N cannot find but with Mr. Rawat's help and techniques I believe even an N would gain much relief. I hesitated to mention this before because it might sound -- oh, I don't know what. You know what I mean. But then I felt I would be holding back important information if I didn't mention it, especially since Rawat (also called Maharaji) has been the main anchor in my life for many, many years. (For more info on his meditation which he calls "Knowledge" and his message, see htto://www.contact-info.net).

But the coolest thing of all about getting healthier and stronger over the years is that now I truly prefer being alone to being in a hurtful relationship. Before, I would cling to the person -- and thus the tremendous pain -- for years!  I know that is a lot of the frustration and anger I felt with my recent love, (Red Hawk). He clung to the hurt and pain of his N ex for SO many years, then years non-functioning and suicidal and now who knows how many years clinging to her as a "close friend." He has made a lot of progress, but I am (or was) SO impatient for him to FINISH it and get on with some healthy happy loving with no more strings tied to that past. He's not ready to fly without those strings yet, and no one has a right to try to make him, not even me.

Here's wishing you a GREAT day!!

TP

[tejaspear]

typo correction from previous post:  http://www.contact-info.net (for info on Maharaji and hjis messaage -- and his help which is by the way free of charge)

[Healing&Hopeful]

Have you come to more understanding about why you've hesitated to share this "secret weapon?"  Is it because it is the one thing you have that you feel gives you the support you need and you're afraid someone will try to belittle it or tear it down?  Have you ever doubted its authenticity?  Is that perhaps why you never want to see it as less than genuine because its helped you so much?

I know I do this with lots of my "crutches."  I'm afraid to tell my SO that I need these resources/people, even if they're far away and I can only communicate with them through the internet, or they only reach me in that way.  People have a fear and bias against things they don't understand.  I think it's hard for others to understand why we need these external means of support, temporarily or permanently.  Most who rely on their familial support structure don't get this necessity.  They think it is just so easy, to just "know" and "feel good" and accept that everything will be OK.  It really isn't for us.  We struggle so much with this.

I can relate to this Bean.... I do this too.  Especially what you say about not telling your SO...I haven't told my H about this site, although we have spoke about some of the stuff I've posted on here.  It's not that I don't think he would be supportive... he is, but for some reason I'm not ready to risk it, not ready to tell him.

[Hopalong]

IMHO, it is truly okay to have a private space and private conversations.
this is just like having a "group friend"--one who helps you and cares about you.

It's not a tawdry secret like certain Internet activities some people do!

It's a good thing. One of the things about healthy boundaries is that even in marriage, people are supposed to retain their separate selves...it's fine to have private spaces where you explore and grow.

Hopalong