I'm getting the silent treatment...yeah!

[Sugarbear]

I wrote a novel about my experiences thus far with my (probably) Nmom... if anyone wants background. It is in a LONG post entitled "Need valadation..." or something.


My mom is finally able to get around on her own, three weeks after knee replacement surgery, where she refused to get outside help and basically dumped it all on me when she realized that she was not all-powerful and able to take care of herself and her house and pets.

I was supposed to go by on Friday and do some chores for her - laundry, take the trash out, any grocery shopping, etc... She called me up all friendly and chipper at work before I left and told me that she was feeling pretty good and wanted to go out to dinner. She acted like she hadn't just spent the last two weeks calling me awful names and forcing me to be her caretaker (because of her lack of planning). I was not wanting to socialize with her at all, and only get through the time spent caring for her by disconnecting my emotions as best I can and treating her like some stranger so I don't lose my temper every time.

I agreed to take her, only because I realized that she hadn't been out to a resturant in over 3 weeks and the only outings she has had had been to the doctors. I get over to her house, do the chores, and she starts asking me if I was hungry. I told her the truth, that no, I wasn't, I had a big lunch, so she should pick where she wants to go, since I don't have a preference. She informs me that she wants to go shopping "this weekend" and I ask her why she needs me to go with. She gets a hurt look on her face and says, "well, I guess I don't."

She gets angry with me because I'm not all happy and chipper to be going out with her. I take her to her choice of resturant. It is a STUPID place to go if you are barely walking well and can't stand for long periods of time... she picks a #$@#! cafeteria style place that you have to stand in line and slide the tray down the rails and carry your own tray to the table... I asked her if she had considered the amount of standing, and I get "oh, I didn't think about that."

We get food, and I tell her I am not comfortable with her paying for me. She gets angry with me again. I don't want her paying for me because I figured out that any time she give me ANYTHING, she considers that "making things even" between us - she throws money or stuff at me trying to buy me off. We used to alternate paying when we still enjoyed each other's company, but it has been a LONG time since then, and I have no idea whose turn it is, and I just didn't want to feel like she was buying me off for the price of a cafeteria meal. She orders the register girl to give her the check and refuses to let me see it. I decide to drop it because anything else is going to make a scene, and I am just not up to dealing with it right then.

We get to the table and she starts trying to start a fight. She demands to know what my boundaries are, so she will know what she is and is not allowed to do. There is a nasty, condecending tone in her voice, and I know that anything I tell her will get her angry and cause a big fight. I tell her I am not discussing this with her right now. I am tired, I had an awful and very long week, and I am not fighting with her.

She gets weepy and says I am "pushing her away" which is her parroting what I have been telling her for the past year. I tell her again that I am not discussing this with her right now. I continue with the inane small talk, she complies, and we finish an awkward meal and I take her home. She brings up me not wanting to go shopping with her, and that she only asked because "that's what mothers and daughters do!" and that it was obvious that I didn't want to spend anymore time with her.....

Well, DUH woman!!! You treat me like an indentured servant, yell at me, call me names and expect me to ENJOY spending time with you??? What color is the sky in YOUR world???

I cannot believe how out of touch with reality she is... as if her being in a good mood erases everything bad that she did to me!!

I talked to my dad this past weekend, after the latest incident, and he told me that in the beginning of their marriage, my mom was a sweet, kind person and had many friends. About 5 years into it, she had a dramatic personality flop - and became very self-centered and selfish. He felt like she was a completely different person. She left my dad shortly after that, and he has never understood what happened and why she became what she is now, and he agreed that she has always put herself before the needs of anyone else.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this, and the thing that really angers me is the feeling of being taken advantage of all of my life. I have been made to feel responsible for my mother. I have been made to feel guilty for having a nice day spending time with my husband or getting myself a manicure, if I didn't include my mom.

So, she is currently giving me the silent treatment, since Friday. She told my sister that she just was sooo heartbroken at the way I am treating her.

Yeah, well, I've been heartbroken and angry and sick with worry for the last few years.

I hope the silent treatment continues for a while...

[Hopalong]

((((((((Sugarbear))))))))))

I'm glad you're not silent here.
I'm so sorry she can't empathize with you.

I so get it.

Hopalong

[Surrounded]

oooh yay!!  How nice would that be!!   Hope it lasts! 

Take advantage and enjoy yourself.   You deserve it! 

[darky]

this post brought back memories for me! not pleasant ones mind you. my mum tried the emotional blackmail thing with me. doing anything to cause an argument, that tone of voice where you just know whatever you say is going to be wrong. the amount of times i suffered the silent treatment with her pushing on me that i was accusing her of being a bad mother just because my views differed from her own!! anytime i was happy and wanted to tell her good news she always had a way of putting it down in some way! grrrrr oh and i never did anything for her.
i will say one thing though, in the end she spent a whole year gradualy devaluing me, and now im nothing to her, i dont exist. not unless she gets the oportunity to try and poisen people against me, put me down or use others to further twist the knife!
its so hurtful and its like carrying arround a huge amount of baggage. the way they make you feel. knowing that when the silent treatment ends, after you have appologised umpteen times even though its impossible to see what you may have done wrong, theres gonna be hell to pay. the insults, the how could you's and the why do you always, etc. either that or they start rather freakishly start lavishing attention on you, complimenting you, only for the next day for it all to start over again!!
sorry it seems i have hjacked your post, i think that rant just may of helped me too!
what terrible people they are!!!

[pink]

That's one of the big advantages to completely divorcing or disowning (if a parent or other relative) a Narcissist: no more having to feel bad feeling upset, hurt or angry with them, no more feeling bad about thinking "not nice" or negative thoughts about them, no more concern about what to do next or about what they will do next. It's over. Finis. You can actually AFFORD to wish them well and just be at peace about it.

I know not everyone is in a situation where they feel disowning or divorcing the N -- really totally cutting them out of your life -- is an option, but for those who it IS an option, I highly recommend it!!!

pink

[mum]

oh, how I hoped and prayed for the option of not dealing with my ex....
But I had children with the SOB and now that learning (how to stand up for myself, etc) is on my doorstep (and my kids) whether I want it or not. Grrrr.
When I stop wanting it to be different (like he would disappear or something) I can get out of the "this just sucks" mentality and move into: Acceptance or "how can I be still with this situation and learn from it/use it to be a better person?" 
Then I move on (ok, onto thinking about how nice it would be if he dropped off the earth...."I can dream can't I?")

Silent treatment would be lovely!!!  Enjoy it while you can, since you can't change your mom...

[mum]

wow, Jacmac, that's one amazing post. I will mull that over for a long while. Just so very true. Thanks for writing that.

[Sugarbear]

Thanks everyone!!!

Jacmac - that is quite a visual story; I see what you mean... and it is definately something to think on.

I need the sympathy and support... I am still pretty horrified at recognizing my mom as a totally selfish person and possible narcissist.

I am very worried that I am maybe blowing things out of proportion or unintentionally slanting them to make her look like a bad person. I have a gnawing ache inside that I am making it seem much worse than it is.

But even trying to remove the emotion from the past events, it still makes her look very selfish.

Are there allowances made for someone when they are going through sickness? Old age? Is this just something that develops in some people?

Am I a bad or selfish person for wanting distance and less responsibility for her?

I could so easily be in her same position - scared, sick and alone. I don't make friends easily, just like her. I am a solitary person, and just lucked into finding my husband, who I love dearly, but is also a loner. I have a temper. I have little patience with morons or airheads. I can be very judgemental. I know all of these are bad traits, and try to work on them, but that doesn't change the fact that they are a part of my personality... and I am a horrible person according to my mother.

Nothing has quite the same kind of soul-killing effect as hearing how awful you are from your mother - the one person who is supposed to love you "no matter what"!

[pink]

Oh Sugarbear, hon, please don't be beating yourself up!

I'll tell you what always works really easily and you don't have to analyze or judge anyone:

How does s/he make you feel?

If s/he makes you feel bad, frequently or consistently, whether s/he is a narcissist or a diddly-eye joe really doesn't matter as much as that you need to take measures to shield yourself from such abuse. Anybody who is making you feel badly over and over again, it's just NOT okay.

You weren't born to feel badly all the time. None of us were.  Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!  pink

[Hopalong]

Hey Bear,
I think everybody has said everything and given such wisdom and absolution. Ditto Ditto...

I just want to empathize with another piece, if I can figure out how to verbalize it. I think even beyond the powerful drive of a child to love its parent...you know this person better than most other people on earth. There is intimacy in that. Surely if you analyse the interplay with such a disturbed parent there's no healthy TWO-way intimacy...

But you still do know her intimately as a human being. And being the good soul that you are, your instinct is to love this human being. I think it's very painful to try to unravel which is your capacity to love and forgive another human being you know so well...from something you have to be talked out of, for the sake of allowing the child within you to heal, grow, separate, and break free.

I don't have the answer. I have only a feeling that it has something to do with compassionate detachment. I keep reading about compassion, and when I sit with it it does feel like the best emotion+thought I've experienced. The detachment part is harder for me but when I think about it in a certain way, it doesn't feel like uncaring. Just a sense of not being pulled down, not being in quicksand because of the other's turmoil.

I am not always or even often very good at these things. But I wondered if it might help you and your Mom. (I agree, too, that one has to pull back from people who repetitively hurt us. No question.) But then you're left with all this love and knowledge, and the ability to imagine her pain and isolation. It's hard to know where to put it. I wonder if not trying to suppress your love for her, but to change its form instead, to compassion instead of need, might help...

And to love yourself, spend some of it there. Warts and all. You won't take love away from her if you give yourself more. There's plenty to tap into, you can't run out. Maybe you just need to give her a different kind, that's compassionate but more detached and helps keep you from harm. And that may involve less time with her, less reaction to her, less pain about her. It won't be your fault if she's unsatisfied and misses the old painful, hotter kind of wounded love she felt coming from you. It'll feel different to her if she starts to get compassionate detachment instead... but it won't be your fault if she notices that.

I even think over time, she may at some level recognize she is being loved in a new way.

Heavy thoughts in the middle of the night.
I needed to think them, anyway.

Love to you.
Hopalong

[darky]

jac that was one amazing post, it brought me to tears. i cant believe how true that is. thankyou.

sugarbear, those feelings you have about your mum and wondering if your blowing things out of all proportion are all part and parcel of the emotional abuse this person has forced on you. i know it because i felt it too. these people mess with your head in a way that cannot be described.
its like, they give you just enough affection to keep you dangling on a peice of string.carrot and donkey spring to mind!  they project their own feelings onto you and before you know you are being blamed for something they have done!! then you question yourself, deep down you know the remark or the situation was not your fault, but then her words echo into your head, fighting, battling taking over..

for eg, when i would ask my mum to babysit for me a long time ago, she would make every excuse under the sun not to do it, even when i was desperate (like when my son was in hospital with pnuemonia) so then she would say it was my fault becase i never gave her enough notice or she was baking a cake or she would say, "ive been there, i had no one, you made your bed go lie in it, ive got enough to do"  then she would keep on, "why dont you ask me to babysit, you only gotta ask" so with all the hassles and frustrations i would get for asking her, i stopped asking, i mean whats the point if everytime i asked she would say no and i would get the backlash of it being my fault because of some reason or another!
but what used to get to me more than anything, was then in front of her freinds she would stand there and say "well i offer but she never takes me up on it, i tell her shes only got to ask, so theres no point in complaining she never gets a break"  i would just sit there and take it and awkwardly smile my way through the situation, knowing what was comming later was worse. see if i did defend myself, that would be trying to air her dirty laundry in public and how dare i put her down in front of her freinds, or if i stood and took it, it was then making me look bad and then she would still blame me anyway!!

what im trying to explain to you, is those feelings are normal for you, its like a giant battle with your mind, one part saying i know im right .....am i? and another part that is arguing telling you you are to blame because your mother must always be right!

i used to be constantly at battle with my mind, "shes wrong i know she is....but shes my mum she wouldnt upset me on purpose....maybe i am mean....maybe there is something wrong with me, after all if i was who she wanted me to be then it wouldnt be a problem would it?........why is it she seems to hate me?.......no she dont hate me ive got low self esteem its my fault not hers.....i am a jelous person.......i am not jelous i just want to be treated fair and feel loved!!.................even though i THINK it might not be my fault i will appologise, maybe i am wrong, i dont think i am, am i wrong?........well it dont matter if im wrong or she is wrong i will say sorry thats the best...............and so it would go on and on and on.

dont feel bad hun, they are very clever. what you are describing are all feelings of being caught in this trap. do not beat yourself up shes not worth it. ((hugs))

[pink]

Oh God, yes, you are right Jacmac. It says it all -- and shows the worst of the abuse: the self-doubt is causes!  ;(