Author Topic: Are We Okay?  (Read 10790 times)

Portia

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #30 on: February 07, 2006, 08:35:31 AM »
Marta, this is to clarify my position and reasons for posting.

I’m not bothered about whether you engage with me or not. Your choice. If you do, I’ll talk. No problems either way. Do what you want in that respect.

I learned my lesson about making statements about other people without any hard facts. Maybe you remember me doing that, posting delusions as fact.

I have responded to you to state the truth – reality - as I see it.

I think you state many opinions and possibly you do believe them to be facts; you state them as though they are facts.

They are your opinions and I don’t agree with you.

Whether you engage with me or not, I will continue to state my reality against your opinions.

Knowing what is reality is important to everyone here.

Knowing reality helps us to get better – and that is a fact, according to psychologists and therapists.

I’d quote the books but I don’t see the point. This isn’t a competition.

This is about a healthy board, in my opinion.

I'm done.

movinon

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #31 on: February 07, 2006, 09:46:07 AM »
Mud, Portia, and Marta - Although I like a lively debate, I agree that this is not the right place for politics.  At the same time, state your opinion and if you don't like the thread, stay off it. I do not agree with demonizing Saddam either - that is politics IMO

What I adamently disagree with is TONE.  Mud, although I respect what you have to say, I take offense to the way it was said.  If you're angry...say it.  if you're fed up...say it.  I found your posts sarcastic, condeming, judgemental of others and at times bullying (which IMO is a BIGGER trigger on this board b/c of the people we have dealt with).  I also found a superiority in it that was disturbing to me.   

reasonable context, I don't see how any person of goodwill would. What lowers the bar of discussion ...same kind of inflammatory comments ...the board would soon descend into a useless maelstrom of invective. certain threads devolve into partisan   But surely reasonable people can agree that there is a difference between equating some living politician with the antichrist quoting the Buddha. If not then you just seem to be arguing for the sake of argument.

Who is to say what is reasonable, what is goodwill, what lowers the bar etc.?  What is useless to you may in fact be useful to others.

Opinion does not equal truth...it's only YOUR truth.  I am not saying that everyone should just agree.  I respect each individual's right to RESPECTFULLY disagree.

Mud - I say this b/c, again, I respect your wisdom and believe intimacy can only be created when we call each other on our "stuff". 

Movinon
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Hop guest

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #32 on: February 07, 2006, 10:29:49 AM »
Anger's soooo hard.
I know cookies don't fix it. (Baking, baking...)

I think of every single person who's commented in this rough spot...every one...as a valuable, good, worthwhile, and well-intentioned person. I have learned, been lifted, prodded to thought, comforted, or even been ratttled...but never, I feel, intentionally hurt.

Tone can be a very unconscious thing. For me anyway, I'm often just not seeing how I'm sounding.

I think blaming and shaming is something to be aware of too. Challenging can feel friendly, or it can feel aggressive. Sometimes on "paper" it's hard to tell the difference.

Sometimes a person might be expressing things in a certain way because of a hurt place within them. Sometimes we might take it personally and have an adrenalin response. It might even be just a cat in a mood or with a sore paw, but we might think it's a saber-toothed tiger.

I hope we can let scratches just be scratches, send love to each other (in all directions) for them to heal.

Because we only have words here, sometimes we can be highly sensitized to "typed tone"...even more than we might be in person, when a facial expression, or a tone of voice, or a look--might clue us in that the person perhaps has a faraway or sad look, as though perhaps they're not really responding onlyto us, or to what we've said specifically in the present, but to an old injury that we've unwittingly bumped into, or that something in their current life is causing them to struggle with. We might be more forgiving then, less quick to take offense.

Just some thoughts, sent with ((((((((((((((everybody)))))))))))))))))

Hops


Healing&Hopeful

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #33 on: February 07, 2006, 10:43:07 AM »
Anger's soooo hard.
I know cookies don't fix it. (Baking, baking...)

I think of every single person who's commented in this rough spot...every one...as a valuable, good, worthwhile, and well-intentioned person. I have learned, been lifted, prodded to thought, comforted, or even been ratttled...but never, I feel, intentionally hurt.

Tone can be a very unconscious thing. For me anyway, I'm often just not seeing how I'm sounding.

I think blaming and shaming is something to be aware of too. Challenging can feel friendly, or it can feel aggressive. Sometimes on "paper" it's hard to tell the difference.

Sometimes a person might be expressing things in a certain way because of a hurt place within them. Sometimes we might take it personally and have an adrenalin response. It might even be just a cat in a mood or with a sore paw, but we might think it's a saber-toothed tiger.

I hope we can let scratches just be scratches, send love to each other (in all directions) for them to heal.

Because we only have words here, sometimes we can be highly sensitized to "typed tone"...even more than we might be in person, when a facial expression, or a tone of voice, or a look--might clue us in that the person perhaps has a faraway or sad look, as though perhaps they're not really responding onlyto us, or to what we've said specifically in the present, but to an old injury that we've unwittingly bumped into, or that something in their current life is causing them to struggle with. We might be more forgiving then, less quick to take offense.

Just some thoughts, sent with ((((((((((((((everybody)))))))))))))))))

Hops




Hear hear Hoppy (((((((((((((((((Everybody)))))))))))))))))))))))
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

movinon

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #34 on: February 07, 2006, 10:52:28 AM »
HI guys,

In respose to my post, I don't recall saying I was angry.  You may not have been talking about me and if not please disregard.  I find in the process of healing and learning not to be a victim, I must learn to speak my truth.  I realize it may not be the most popular thing to do and be uncomfortable for some, but this is my work. :wink:

Movinon
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.

Portia

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #35 on: February 07, 2006, 11:28:38 AM »
Hiya Hopalong, how are you today? I bought ya a cushion? Nice purple velvet with embroidery. Just cuddling up before I disagree, can I say that? I’m a bit tra la la mixed with bumpityserious. Honestly. Hope you are okay. I got serious things to say and I don’t want to hurt you. Here goes:

Sometimes a person might be expressing things in a certain way because of a hurt place within them. Sometimes we might take it personally and have an adrenalin response.

Yes and yep an a thousand yesses. There’s a but (no jokes about my posterior). But!

Sometimes hurt people can hurt other people.

Sometimes it is personal – someone does actually want to attack someone else. 

Being hurt and in pain is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. It’s an explanation for the behaviour, not an excuse.

I have been abusive in the past here. I have been hounded and been subjected to the most awful of treatment in my opinion. Stuff I would not do to someone else. It wasn’t honest and truth-telling; it was abusive. I learned from that. Harsh lesson.

I would rather speak the truth and state my reality. I’m not looking to punish or hound or hurt. I’m looking for clarity and reality. If reality hurts, reality hurts.

I can wish people to get better but my wishing it won’t make it happen. I do wish people to get better but I doubt some people would believe that. We all get better by facing the truth, preferably with someone who supports us and witnesses our pain.

I’m not angry with you Hops but I’d like you to understand the points because it might be important for you? I don’t know, I’m guessing.

Take care. and thank you for posting :D

mudpuppy

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #36 on: February 07, 2006, 12:10:37 PM »
Well looks like I opened a can of worms again.

Portia,
I had no idea what your reference to cartoons was. I was unsure whether you were making a straight forward point or whether you were upset with my post and making a sarcastic comment. I didn't think you were being complex and backhanded. I thought maybe you were just being a wise guy. I was simply saying if you were being sarcastic that it was an example of the kind of post I was referring to. I didn't say you were being sarcastic. You say you weren't so that is good enough for me. Simply a misunderstanding.

Ar-gu-ment, n. a reason or reasons offered for or against something. That is the sense in which I used the word. I didn't mean to insult you by implying you were a lawyer.  :P

I'm sorry that references to God annoy you. However the thrust of my post was not that no one can say anything that might annoy someone else. The point I was expressing was two fold. A request that people be sensitive toward the tone of their posts. And especiially the tone regarding posts that have little or nothing to do with the point of this board. People say lots of things on here that annoy me. Those are not the things I was talking about. If you want to feel excluded maybe you should try being a man on this board.  :P :? I also feel excluded from the vast majority of the threads here because I didn't have N parents nor have I been married to one. But I don't expect everyone to include me in the conversation. My suggestion was not that no one say anything that annoys someone else, or that we all sit around the campfire singing Kumbaya, but that we take into account a little more carefully others positions and attitudes before we post something potentially inflammatory.

 I'm not sure why the difference between those two thoughts is hard to see and I'm not sure why a call for voluntary consideration for others is greeted with hostility. I never mentioned banning anything, nor coercion, nor censoring others.

movinon,

I'm not sure what I said that would give you your impressions of my 'tone'. I don't believe I bullyed anyone, and I don't recall being sarcastic, or condemning anyone. I asked precisely what you asked; that people be RESPECTFUL. I also asked that people consider voluntarily skirting certain issues. Why should that push anyone's buttons?
I'm not angry, nor am I upset. I see an area on the board that I believe could use some attention and I called attention to it. Some of the responses have been angry and upset and I'm actually kind of confused as to why. I don't see why I am being disagreed with in such a hostile manner. It doesn't seem particularly RESPECTFUL to call me judgemental, a bully, condemning etc. In fact its kind of judgemental itself isn't it?
I just went back and reread my posts and while I see many things that someone might disagree with I don't see any of the 'tones' you are attributing to me. Where's the 'stuff'?

Marta,

Glad you reminded me of that previous thread. I guess I never learn. That one went just about the same way as this one now that I remember it. I think my conclusion was then the same as now. Ignore what I said, forget all about it. I said my piece if no one agrees, tough noogies. I may go or come as I please.

I do want to clear up two things.
1) Who the heck is R? Reagan?
2) I don't actually have any political icons that come to mind other than maybe Adam Smith or James Madison or Edmund Burke and I don't recall any of them getting the flame broiled treatment here. :P Its not about insulting or mocking icons, its about disrespecting rather than simply disagreeing with another person's viewpoint. I wouldn't even care in the slightest if politics were discussed all day long here if it stayed on the level of a discussion of viewpoints but lets face it, on the internet especially, political discussions usually descend to the gutter in short order.
 Its not even a matter of being offended. It is the knowledge of what the board would descend to if people responded in kind to some very strong remarks. I have to say its been kind of tempting, previously, to prove my point by using a different name and jumping into some of the threads and using the same kind of language to describe the opposite point of view. The result would very soon be a bunch of locked threads and a much less useful (there's that word again) board full of animosity and factions.
I'm not against communication and I'm not against the strategy of disengagement. I'm just asking for the sake of the board and each other that we choose our posts carefully.

Its a free cyber world if some people want to listen to me fine, if not that's fine too. I've said it before and I'll say it again, C'est la vie.

mud


movinon

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #37 on: February 07, 2006, 12:57:06 PM »
Hiya Mud - The tone may be totally my stuff and if it doesn't fit for you or no one's ever commented on that before, please feel free to dismiss it.

I agree that my description of your post was judgemental (again may be a trigger to my stuff - yep, my ex is very sarcastic and superior using complex words)  There you go - thanks for the light bulb moment.

In your post I picked up on words like useless, reasonable (2x), etc. that I quoted.  Those are in fact judgement words and are not based in fact.  I see a fact as something that can be scientifically proven and judgements as people's opinions ususally based on some pre-conceived notion. 

Please note also that I did not call YOU judgemental and condemning, I don't really know you.  I was commenting on the TONE I picked up on based on the judgements of what's "right" and "wrong" (which is a whole other discussion).

I honor you for being a man on this board and not backing down.  I think there is always room for respect and still disagreement.  To illustrate, I posted a comment on bean's thread about siblings and a few members (you included) posted saying the opposite (diagreeing, in essence) with what I had to say.  I felt angry and devalued.  After taking some time to think about it, I noticed I was wanting validation and to have everyone see my view as "right" - jeez what a slippery slope!

After I got over my pouting, I was able to come back to the board.  I know that my ego can sometimes run amock(sp) and I pray for humility daily.

Movinon
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portia as guest

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #38 on: February 07, 2006, 01:03:13 PM »
Mud, I feel this is a very serious and important thread, my opinion.

I said I felt bashed by you. I said I was upset. That means hurt.

I was unsure whether you were making a straight forward point or whether you were upset with my post and making a sarcastic comment. I didn't think you were being complex and backhanded. I thought maybe you were just being a wise guy. I was simply saying if you were being sarcastic that it was an example of the kind of post I was referring to. I didn't say you were being sarcastic. You say you weren't so that is good enough for me. Simply a misunderstanding.

Can you say sorry for thinking I was being sarcastic please? Can you say just maybe you were wrong about me?

I am not a sarcastic person. Maybe you didn’t know that. I am honest and truthful and straightforward, mostly (hey I’m not perfect).

I was hurt that you could think I might be being sarcastic. What’s a wise guy anyway? Being sarcastic?

Can’t we just say what we really think and feel?

I still feel hurt. I thought we were okay. Now I learn that you apparently don’t see me as honest and straightforward. You think I’m manipulative, that I want to hurt? That's what sarcasm is to me. Destructive.  

Marta

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #39 on: February 07, 2006, 01:50:27 PM »
Quote
Movinon:
What I adamently disagree with is TONE.


I have often heard remarks of this nature about tone on the board, so I want to address that. This almost seems like saying someone should speak with someone else's voice instead of his/her own voice. Asking someone to change the tone of their voice is like asking them to change their skin. My solution is to stay away from folks whose tone I don't like, and suggest that those who don't like my tone to stay away from me. Often, once you get to know a person, you'll like them and get used to the tone, as you realize that its not intentionally hurtful, it stops bothering.

Quote
Movinon:
believe intimacy can only be created when we call each other on our "stuff".  


I disagree with this one BIG time. Intimacy on a message board is not the same as intimacy in a marriage, or with friends. Its fine if my friends on board or members I share a good relationship with call on my "stuff," because I trust them and know that if they are doing it, it is out of goodwill. That feels safe. But when it comes from someone I don't know very well, it feels like a violation. Also in "calling stuff" lies the danger of projecting our own problems on to others. More often than not, in cyberspace people seem to take a license to be abusive under the pretext of calling stuff and projecting their own stuff. Movinon, please note my friend that this is a general comment, not referring to you at all.

Quote
posted saying the opposite (diagreeing, in essence) with what I had to say.  I felt angry and devalued.  After taking some time to think about it, I noticed I was wanting validation and to have everyone see my view as "right" - jeez what a slippery slo

Movinon, just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I don't like you! I like you, quite a lot!  :D

Quote
Mud:
1) Who the heck is R? Reagan?

Nawwww. Reagan was not evil. Rumsfeld is evil, that's what I had said. Now this time you asked.... :P

But wait, I have a question. Let's say we are discussing evil and Ns in public life, which is what I was doing in that previous thread. Why is it wrong to pick some public figures, and present them as examples of evil? Would it bother you as much if I said that bin Laden were evil? I mean, if evil exists, then we have to identify and pinpoint it in our world, otherwise it just becomes a useless concept devoid of meaning.

Quote
Mud:
If you want to feel excluded maybe you should try being a man on this board.

I think that this is very true. A lot of objections you are fielding about tone are because of that.

Hoppy, I agree with a lot of what you said.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2006, 02:12:18 PM by Marta »

movinon

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #40 on: February 07, 2006, 02:52:36 PM »
Marta - I respect your perogative to disagree with me- big time or not.

I hear you say that addressing tone seems to you like I may be asking someone to speak w/ someone else's voice.  Not at all.  When I want to be careful about my tone, I try to watch my judgements and avoid words like "should",  "right", AND USE "I" STATEMENTS.  It's very hard, if not impossible to figure out what others are feeling or where they're coming from.  That's why I find "I statements" so useful when energy is getting high.  I say what has worked for me or not and then others get to decide if it fits for them.  Hopefully, that avoids assigning blame or projection,

As far the intimacy bit, I hear it feels safe for you to have friends or family call you on your stuff, but does not feel safe.  I will respect that and try to stay away from calling you on it.  Additonally, I usually know when others are projecting their stuff onto me and choose not to take that on.  I also know that when I depend on others to define my safety, I'm in BIIIIIIIGGGG trouble!    I create my own safety as only I can do.  It is up to me to tell others what feels safe or not (boundaries).  Whether they adhere to them or not is another story.....

And thanks for saying you like me - I like you too  Now THAT was totally my rejection stuff.  I own that

Movinon
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #41 on: February 07, 2006, 02:57:50 PM »
Hiya all

Apologies for butting in here, but I just wanted to reply to what was being said about tone in general.

How do we know what tone is being used by the person posting?  We can't hear them, we can't see their facial expressions.  I feel that it is only how we perceive the tone for what is being posted, sometimes accurately, sometimes not.

There are many varying opinions here, all which I have found interesting.  But I don't like to see people upset, angry or hurt, which I appreciate is inevitable and life isn't a fairytale.

With message boards I'm a firm believer in take what you need, give what you can and leave the rest.

Take care all

H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

mudpuppy

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #42 on: February 07, 2006, 03:53:38 PM »
Hi movinon,

Wait just a minute. I only said I didn't see sarcasm or bullying in the posts in this thread. I have acknowledged many times that I can be a smart ass and sarcastic. I'm not a bully but I can be judgemental. I just didn't think I was in this thread.

Marta,
The problem with Ns and public life is how do we know who an N is? Vunil and I PMed awhile back on this. To her W is self evidently an N or worse, while Bill Clinton is a fine upstanding citizen. To me Bush is many things but an N is not one of them, while Clinton would be my cover boy were I ever to write "Important NPDs of the Twentieth Century." We actually have very little knowledge of these people's true personalities and are usually in danger of projecting our political beliefs into personality defects in those who disagree, especially the leaders of opposing camps.
 It is highly unlikely that someone's political or religious values would be disrespected here should UBL or Stalin or Hitler be used as an example of an N, because thankfully there are few if any jihadists, Stalinists or Nazis here. But in more mainstream figures, one person's incontrovertible evidence of evil and Nisn may very well be admirable traits to someone else.
When some person whom I agree with is called wrong, I can argue that they are not wrong because of A, B or C. If someone is called evil because of beliefs or actions I agree with then he, and by extension I, are not good people who are simply wrong, but bad people with dishonorable motives and dishonest tactics. It then is no longer a matter of saying I am not wrong because of A, B or C. It has become a version of 'when did you stop beating your wife.' And the tendency when we are called evil by extension is for rational discussion to fly out the window.
One other thing. Labelling someone as evil or crazy is often resorted to when making the case for our position is proving impossible or just too much trouble. Why engage in ideas when it is so much easier to paint someone with a slur and short circuit the whole process of reason, expecially if that person has a pretty good case we don't want to hear?

Portia,
I'm not sure how to approach this. I think you may ascribe more baggage to sarcasm than I do. To me it is merely being a smart ass. It can be perfectly innocent or perfectly vindictive. And you have on occasion been a smart ass, as have I, as has everyone I've ever met. Sarcasm is not necessarily destructive. It can often be very helpful. It can let us know when we are acting like a horses ass. If you were being sarcastic I assumed it was to let me know I was not making a valid point or had holes in my argument. I consider it a pretty useful rhetorical device that can easily be misapplied.

It was not the suspected sarcasm per se that was the problem but rather the subject of what I thought you might be referring to, ie; equating my post with the jihadist's reaction to those cartoons. If it was sarcastic I assumed it to be simply a joke that I didn't like, not some complex foul deed. I now see that it wasn't sarcastic at all. But if you'll reread what I said, I never said it was; I asked you to explain whether it was. You have and I accept your explanation.
I do not intend to invalidate your feelings. But I do not understand how asking you if you were making a sarcastic joke that fell flat is bashing you. I'm torn between apologizing for thinkiing you might have been sarcastic and not. If I do it will not be a genuine apology. Frankly I believe every person is capable of being sarcastic, so if I apologize for thinking you might have been then I will have to issue a blanket apology to the entire planet. Is there a person alive who hasn't said 'smooth move' or 'what was your first clue, Sherlock' or 'yeah, right'? And I don't think saying those things makes anyone not honest or straightforward. It makes them the occasional smart ass which incidentally is the same as a wise guy.
I will and do apologize if I inadveretantly caused you distress. I did not mean to. I was merely seeking to understand your position. But inadvertant pain is still pain. So you have my apologies for any pain anything I said may have caused you.

mud
« Last Edit: February 07, 2006, 03:57:12 PM by mudpuppy »

movinon

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #43 on: February 07, 2006, 04:09:23 PM »
Hi all,

This has brought up something for me that I found very intersting and I will write in generalities for a moment.  As women, we are often taught to be "nice" at all costs, not to rock the boat, keep the peace and other assorted bulls#*it.  I have found this leads to HUGE minimizing.  That's what got ME in trouble in the first place.  I was nice, didn't want to believe that others were capable of "bad" stuff.

I have been working exclusively with women and women's empowerment now for 3 years straight in both the US and the UK  and see this pattern over and over again.  It amazes me how women react to these emotions.  Some go from "uncomfortable" to downright terrorized and paniced.  

H&H - I hear you don't like to see or hear people get upset, angry or hurt, but people do.  You can choose not to take that on and not to be the peacemaker (if you ever do).

I dream of living in a society where women can hold their own with men in a respectful manner without being scared and constantly backing down.  Why are we so afraid to have someone not like us?  If I seem to have a lot of energy around this, I do.  I see women LITERALLY fighting for their lives everyday b/c they are living under the old "girls should play nice" rules thrust upon them by a generation that thought women should not vote, work, or have their voices.  :x

Movinon

Respectfully
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.

movinon

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Re: Are We Okay?
« Reply #44 on: February 07, 2006, 04:12:28 PM »
Hi Mud

Just read your post.  Can you say more about sarcasm?  I saw that you wrote it could be innocent.  This is very intersting to me as I guess I've never looked at it this way.

Do you see sarcasm and a smart ass as the same?

Movinon
An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.