Author Topic: abusive communities  (Read 9702 times)

Gail

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Re: abusive communities
« Reply #45 on: February 06, 2006, 11:20:35 PM »
I liked what Mud said about marriage, and I believe that's the ideal, yet I've been divorced twice.  The first time I was very young and had no idea what a marriage commitment meant.  The second time I was married for almost 23 years, and hung in there even though the last ten years were miserable.  Finally, I was put in a position where I don't think I had much choice.  XH was basically dating another woman who he was obviously infatuated with, and wanted to start a business with her which would have had disastrous consequences, in my opinion, to our family.  (He eventually went bankrupt.)   I was being destroyed emotionally and, as more and more revelations came as to his behavior, just couldn't stay married to him anymore.  I was also terrified of what would happen to all of our children if he brought us down financially.  When you have 6 children still at home, that's a pretty big consideration. 

I talked to my pastor about the whole mess, when trying to make some decisions, and he said I should have divorced XH years ago.  Yet, the sadness and sometimes guilt still catch me unawares.  Sometimes, it just hits me--how my children now have divorced parents, how their parents won't be a unit when they get married and have their own families, how hard I have to work to keep us in decent shape financially.  It's so far from what I wanted for my family and I get moments of doubt--could I have made it work if I just tried harder?  Then, reality rears its head and I realize that I didn't have the choice of staying in a decent marriage or getting a divorce.  The choice was trying to cope with an intolerable situation emotionally and watch all of us go down the tubes financially, or get a divorce and save my sanity and have the best shot at supporting the children.

Now, to think I actually filed a police report after a phone call from XH that the officer called a terrorist threat, just seems surreal.  Every once in awhile, when XH calls the kids, and I hear his voice, I remember the man I once I loved very much.  But, there's the unpaid medical bills, the car he owns that I have to make payments on, the awful names he's called me, his lack of follow through on important responsibilities, the things he says about me to the children, and I remember how crazy he made me when we were still married.

Just feeling a little low tonight I guess.  I'm tired and I guess I'm reliving some of the trauma for some reason.  Two of the children were upset about something totally unrelated to XH, and I handled it OK, but it was a trigger as I started feeling badly about how the children were affected by our divorce.

Gail

Sela

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Re: abusive communities
« Reply #46 on: February 08, 2006, 06:08:31 PM »
Hi Gail:

I used to have similar thoughts and feelings as you've described above and this too would happen:

Quote
it was a trigger as I started feeling badly about how the children were affected by our divorce.

But somehow....eventually the thought would pop into my head about......what would have happened had I stayed and how would that have effected them???

I like that prospect a whole lot less and I know in my heart it would have been much worse for all of us.

Hope you're feeling better.  You're a good mum and your children are lucky to have you.

(((((((Gail))))))

Sela

Hopalong

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Re: abusive communities
« Reply #47 on: February 08, 2006, 09:26:00 PM »
((((((((Gail))))))))

You must be so weary.
But you are a weary hero.

I believe you saved your kids from even unhappier things.
I truly believe you did right by them, as well as by yourself.

I hope you can rest some, show lovingkindness toward yourself,
honor your good strong heart.

Bless yourself...as you've been blessing your kids.

You deserve such respect.

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."