Hi Liss,
I don't know either if it is just the way I am or if I was made this way on some level by my experiences. I tend to think it is just the way I am and also that other people are this way too but don't talk about it or don't think about it the same way I do. Everybody has to have some way of dealing with trauma or disappointment or disatisfaction. Some drink, some beat up other people, some go shopping, some overeat.
I do think that I'm making connections on some level when I do this. For example, when I was six or seven, I fell in love the first time. He knew all about it before long because I didn't hide it. By high school I lost track of him. But in the past few years I have run into him on occasion and he seems to hone in on me. My husband got very annoyed the first time he saw this. I didn't even notice it. It seems like this guy wants to tell me something but he never has beyond small talk. That's what I mean by connection. Something seems to be there but what it is, I may never learn. In looking back and trying to understand why I would have had such strong feelings for someone who never treated me as more than a neighborhood friend most of the time, I looked at the timing of some major events. Just before I "noticed" him, my mother's sister died tragically young and my three year old cousin died suddenly. Shortly after that, I noticed this classmate and it was just instantaneous for me. When we were both in 4th grade his father killed himself and the rumor was that he is the one who found the body. That just broke my heart--I remember feeling incredibly sad for him. And that is exactly when my feelings for him began to overwhelm me. It took me probably four years to finally give up on him returning my feelings. I was all of 12 when I gave up my first true love. Maybe that sort of set my personality. Maybe because of that early experience, I have always fallen into that familiar pattern of dealing with grief that way.
When I was almost 40, my son nearly killed himself (he is fine now) and then in the fall of that year was 9/11. Events I probably should have grieved more. A few months later I found myself incredibly attracted to someone I met through work. It actually changed my entire personality. Everybody noticed how happy I was. And I didn't even try to have an affair or anything. It was just enough to see him several times a week at work. Then he got a new job and that was the end of that. I was devastated. Part of me believes some kind of connection was made that time too. Even though it is in the past now, I still think of him often. It took a long time to let go. It was an excruciating process.
Sometimes I still feel very embarrassed for myself and my behavior. And sometimes that makes me mad. It was difficult and complicated. I tried to deal with it the best way I knew how given that I wasn't exactly looking for something like that to happen. In fact, the one a few years ago, as soon as I met him, I told myself I would have to be careful and not go there. But it found a way in without my even realizing it. One time I was asked about it and I denied it. Pretended I didn't feel the way I did. I was even pretending to myself. So, I feel like I should give myself some credit for not wanting to hurt anybody and as it turned out I was the one who was the most hurt anyway. So, four years later, I try to be kind to myself as I would be to a friend in the same situation.
I think it does happen more often than it seems. People don't like to talk about it. We hear horror stories all the time. So, that keeps people from admitting to their real feelings.
For me, I always knew that I wanted to stay married to my husband. We are very good together and you don't find that all the time. Especially as young as we were when we started. So, it is not a question in my mind of looking for someone "better". There isn't anyone better for me. But these other connections--maybe these are guys that reached into a different part of me. And it felt good. But how to keep someone like that in your life without complications or anyone else getting jealous or hurt? I haven't figured that out. I have learned the hard way that it is far more complicated than I would have imagined. It would be nice if we had some kind of ritual in our society for this part of our existance. But instead all we have is monogamy and something of a division between men and women. Maybe because feelings are so powerful, or maybe something else entirely.
My most recent infatuation happened to be with someone who behaved in ways that didn't make sense to me, especially since HE approached ME with the idea having something on the side. He said and did things that really hurt me. And then it clicked. I don't remember now the particular thing he did or said that reminded me of narcissism, but I decided one day to look it up and there were some of the odder things he did listed right there. And that is how I have been able to deal with that one. It's still a work in progress, but I have learned so much here and it has helped me to settle my ideas and move on from that experience.
I don't know that I want to just stop being the kind of person I am. But I don't want to get hurt like that anymore. Just figuring out my "pattern" has helped me feel better about it. Learning about narcissism has helped. It's a long process, though.
Maybe you were hoping someone here would have the quick fix.
I don't think there is one, Liss.
Pennyplant
