How would you classify my ex-girlfriend?

[ezpzlemonsqueezy]

I am a single dad raising a daughter. I met a beautiful woman in September. One month later we were talking about marriage. She told me how I needed to dress GQ. She was a dental hygentist who said "let me clean your teeth". When I awoke from the nitrus she told me that she had made an appointment for me downstairs at the full service salon where they not only gave me a haircut but they shaved my chest and my back. Later on she told me that I had more hair than an arrangatang when I met her and it scared her. A couple of weeks later she insisted that I completely redo my wardrobe. She gave me incredible sex. She would tell me how she was going to make me a better lover and teach me many things. She would say things to me like "if you go into a store and see something that you like that is your cue not to buy it because your have no taste".  She dropped her daughter off at a women's shelter one time and told her to live there if she could not follow the rules at home.  She told my fourteen year old daughter that all Men want to get into a women's pants. She kept asking me what the highest position I could get in my company.  She blamed everything on her ex-boyfriend including her own daughter's personality. She told me that no man had ever left her and that she is never wrong. I am part jewish and she asked me if I was going to wear a yamulke when I made love to her or be her little gefilte fish. She told me that she wanted to completely redo my kitchen with new ceramic tile,granite countertops, stainless steel applicances. When I told her that I wanted to make changes at a pace I am comfortable with she told me that If really loved her I would do the things to make her happy. She wanted to be able to move her elderly parents into my house and when I refused she said that I was not family orriented. When I told her that I we needed to put off the marriage for a while because I was scared now she told me that I had mental problems and she thought I may be retarded.  She would never admit any wrong doing. It was always my fault. We broke up February 20 , a month later she had four boyfriends and now only 2 months later she is serious with one man. Any comments? Will she do the same thing to him?

[Hopalong]

Hello, Ep:

My comment is that the real question is, what did you do to yourself? It all flows from the first fatal error, imho, which was opening a discussion of marriage after you'd only known her 4 weeks.

I'd strongly recommend a book by Judith Sills, PhD, for you, called A Fine Romance.

The issues with her are not the important ones. The issues with you, saying Yes to many things you did not feel comfortable about, are the ones to tackle.

Best of luck, and I'd thank your lucky stars she's out of your gums for good.

Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya ezpzle

To be perfectly honest.... sounds like you had a lucky escape.  Can you imagine if you had married her?  How much more of you would you have been prepared to give up?

When I told her that I wanted to make chances at a pace I am comfortable with she told me that If really loved her I would do the things to make her happy.

Making changes at a pace your comfortable with is a very reasonable request.... do you think she respected your decision?

This is the one line if any friend or family member said to me in the future, they wouldn't see me for dust.

Will she do the same thing to her new man?  Probably, is my honest opinion.

I'm sorry if this post sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be, but I am glad you're not involved with her anymore and you have the chance to move forward and meet someone who is worthy of you, as you are.

Take care

H&H xx

[write]

In a word:

CONTROLLING!

Will she do the same thing to him?

You betcha...

"move along- nothing ( new ) to see here"!

[mum]

WOW, Ep (I can't even type the whole thing...sorry)
How would I classify her? Just plain awful/evil/ugly inside/insecure/out of her mind/BAD person.
I hope you count your lucky stars hourly for that narrow escape.
My question is: is great sex REALLY that important to a man? Geeeeeez. Talk about giving up your soul!  LUCKY LUCKY YOU!!!

[gratitude28]

Ez,
I'd have to go along with the others here and ask you... why did you put up with all this? What was the final straw for you? Why did it take you so long to get there?
Please figure this out so that in the future you can look for a secure relationship (especially since you have a child who must be around healthy role models). I believe your daughter must come first. How did this look for her? Would you let someone treat her that way?

[ezpzlemonsqueezy]

thank you every one for your insight.

I got into the relationship because I was looking for a complete family again. On paper it looked perfect. She had a wonderful 17 year old and I had a 14 year old. She came off as being so caring in the beginning with the dental work and she actually started buying me clothes repeatedly. She also wanted to talk to me constantly and be with me constantly. I did not realize what was happening. That was my down fall.

Everytime she would show up she would bring a new shirt.  I started getting nervous because it seemed so excessive.  She bought 3 winter coasts for me in a month and a half!

She became so overly critical of me ( you brush your teeth wrong, you point the hangars in the closet the wrong way, chew with your mouth closed, Don't leave water around the sink, your look like gomer pyle, are you cheating on me, you fold your socks the wrong way ,your cleaning standards are not up to mine)  that i started losing self-esteem to the point where I could not even wash a dish correctly in my own house.

She came up with elaborate plans to redo my entire house and to add additions. At first I did not say anything because I grew up being told that I was overly sensitive so I questioned my own feeling's and wondered if I was just over reacting and should I try to please her? , At the beginning of January we went to pick out tile together. There was tile for the floor, the countertop and above blacksplash. I told her that I did not like her choice for the backsplash and a big argument broke out. She spent six hours in the car ride home telling me that I was psychotic, retarded and mentally ill. The next 3 days she kept calling me and I would not answer the phone because she kept saying that I had mental problems.

When this all happened I did not even know what the term narcissistic meant. I spent a month reading on the subject and every trait they mention such as lack of empathy, verbally abusive, projecting , blameless all apply to her. I don't think she understands  what she does because she claims she is a good person. I have never found someone so sure of themselves in a conversation. The thing what happened is that I found her so impossible to deal with that I thought that maybe I was crazy myself.

[gratitude28]

Hi Ez,
Ns are great at making you feel like you are going crazy. They target sensitive people, knowing that you WILL question yourself. It's like they have some innate knowledge about how far they can push to make you feel like everything is your fault.
I am so glad you got out of the relationship. Please forgive me for telling you to concentrate on your daughter, but, having come from a home wiht an N mom, I can't bear to see a child go through that. What was your first wife like? Were she and your daughter close?
Have you had other relationships like this or was this a first? The reason I am asking is because you might want to look and see if you follow a pattern of behaviors so you can figure out what you can change to find the sort of relationship you truly desire.
Please keep posting.
Love, Beth

[mudpuppy]

Hey EZ,

Finally, a subject I have something to contribute to.

I met my wife in a dental hygienist's chair. I'm a pretty hairy guy too. She had a 13 year old. I asked her to marry me about three months after we started dating. 

On the other hand she had (and has) absolutely none of the pathologies your hygienist does. My wife was very reluctant to even give me her phone number when a few days later I came up with some lame dental hygiene question as an excuse to talk to her again. Your's sounds like you called up central casting for a textbook NPD psychopath.

I hope to God you aren't missing her.
I'm not sure thinking about marriage after a month was your first fatal error though. It sounds as though you were thinking about marriage before you even met her. There's nothing wrong with that of course as long as you keep your head screwed on straight and aren't motivated solely by your 'feelings'.
Your second mistake was the great sex. Sex is not just fun and games. It tends to unscrew our screwed-on-straight head. It is an extremely powerful drug that skews our perceptions and judgements. That's why spys and blackmailers (and psychos) use it; Because it works.
 There was a thread awhile back in which some gal told how she found an excellent husband by respecting herself and making him prove he respected her as well, by being cautious and circumspect. If you find a gal who acts like that I suspect you would have a lot better chance of finding someone worthy of being your wife and a mother to your child.
I can't remember who the gal was that wrote that post. It was beautifully put though. Maybe someone else remembers.

mudpup

[mum]

Your's sounds like you called up central casting for a textbook NPD psychopath.

Mud: your sense of humor and down to earth wisdom is refreshing, and missed here. Thanks for writing.

I can't remember who posted either, but I agree, she simply stated her boundaries, without games (although some thought it was too premeditated, I recall).  And I thought she maintained her own dignity and truth, actually, with a happy outcome.

EZEP: ( do I have it yet?): Thanks for the detailed last post.
I know I can be bullish when it comes to my home (having lived as a single mom for so long) so when I finally move and my husband and I buy a house.....I will remember NOT to be a brat (as he is very very nice and will almost put up with anything...) and let him have a say in the decorating....
(Now that's painful to say, as I am an artist and do home decor as a sideline). Anyway, thanks for the reminder to be a team player.

[Jona]

I think it was me that wrote the post Mudpup referred to.

OK,  I think we need a list of things that guys need to do and watch out for when they are dating to make sure they have a good gal.

A couple of months ago, my son informed me that his wife is divorcing him.  They live in a European country and I have actually only met my daughter-in-law six times in the last eight years.  The first time I met her before they were married I thought she was wonderful and I really liked her.  Two years later when they visited, I began to be a little uneasy.  My husband met her three years ago and although he says he doesn't dislike her, he doesn't want to be around her.  The last time I met her was last Christmas.  She was the most horrible guest I have ever had in my home.  I think she must have thought she was staying at The Ritz and that the sevice should have been better.

My husband and I thought that if she made my son happy, then her pushy personality was none of our business.  We both thought my son was happy.  Now over the last two months my son has been telling us just what went on in that marriage.  She sounds like a milder down version of EZPZ's girlfriend.

My son is now seeing a psychiatrist every week.  He is amazed that he was living with abuse.  (Hiis father is a classic N and we didn't divorce until my son was 14.  Also my mother was a N.)  He moved to Europe when he was 18 for training in his profession.

What are the red flags guys can watch out for?  I think one would be if she tries to change you in any way.  For instance, if she wants you to dress different.  My daughter-in-law did this.

One of the problems with N's is that they can put on a really good show in the beginning.  So another thing to watch out for would be trying to hurry the relationship along.

Another one would be wanting to spend all her time with him and calling constantly and demanding to know what he was doing all the time.

What are some other things to look out for in a woman?

[ezpzlemonsqueezy]

Here are some which I have learned to watch out for.

Never accepts any responsibility for failure or mistakes in the relationship or any other relationship
Talks openly about physical experiences in the past with others
Use's expletives on a regular basis.
casts you immediately in the role of the love of her life
go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready
acts in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often
is very sarcastic
expresses negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled?
is very jealous
very accusatory.
is much more comfortable giving lectures.
tells you that if you love her you would do 'x'
tells you about everyone that has a crush on her.
is extremely stern with her children for unknown reasons

[mum]

ezpz: there is another word for your girlfriend. It's a simple one syllable word, many times prefaced with the adjective "total"......but it gets way too much airply nowadays, and has lost it's meaning. And besides, I hate to disrespect all canines of that gender by calling her that (my dog has more manners, anyway).
Have a great day, you lucky lucky man.

[Hopalong]

I miss you too Mud!

Hops

[Brigid]

EZPZ,
I have some suggestions for members of either gender for getting into a relationship:

1.  Keep it casual for awhile in order to get to know the other person and objectively observe their behaviors before the lust and hormones kick in.

2.  Observe how they treat the people who service them.  Are they polite and kind, or mean and demanding?  I think this is a very good barometer of how they will treat anyone they deal with on a day-to-day basis.

3.  What kind of relationship do they have with their children if there are any--and don't just take their word for it.  If they blame the ex for their not having a good relationship with their kids--that is a major red flag, imo.

4.  Don't hesitate to check court records or do a background check if he/she is a total stranger.  Talk to friends or co-workers if the situation presents itself.

5.  If the person wants to enter a serious committed relationship in a hurry, that is another red flag.  If a relationship is good, it will still be good and hopefully getting better after a reasonable amount of time has passed and you have gotten to know each other better.

6.  Do not enter a relationship thinking that you will change the other person's habits or behaviors--especially if you are older and more set in your ways.  Be prepared to walk away from someone with behaviors you can't live with, or learn to be flexible and compromise.  You will never find the "perfect person," nor are you perfect.  Deal with it.

7.  Don't accept a relationship with someone who does not respect you for who you are today.  We all deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, and caring.  We deserve to find someone who has a desire for intimacy (not just the physical part of that), wants to share their life, discover the joy, make new memories, and love you unconditionally.

EZ,
Consider yourself very blessed to have gotten away from that predator.  She would have sucked you dry before she spit you out and kicked you to the curb.  As others have said, take some time to figure out why you allowed her to treat you the way she did.

My question is: is great sex REALLY that important to a man? Geeeeeez. Talk about giving up your soul!  LUCKY LUCKY YOU!!!

I wanted to ask this same question.  How many men out there are thinking with their lower extremities?

Brigid