Hi all,
I have been wrestling with issues surrounding co-opting lately, and I hoped some of you might feel like sharing your thoughts and experiences, too.
Here is where I am coming from right now. I am a little unclear on what co-opting means, but I think it must have to do with boundary issues - like when someone wants what you have, so they take it, or take credit for it, etc.
As I was growing up and even now, I am just realizing my Nmom co-opted/stole lots of things from me. Here are some examples:
Example #1. I could never understand why I hate it when she complimented me or showed me off to her friends and boyfriends. It should have felt good to finally get some form of approval, but I detested it and felt guilty about detesting it. I now realize that on some level, I recognized her compliments as either manipulative lies, or attempts to aggrandize herself (my daughter accomplished X, so I must be a great mother; or my daughter is cute and sexy, she must take after me, etc. - I think this is what was in her head). I felt like any speck of goodness, or skill, or positive attribute I dared to possess actually belonged to her; she stole it.
Example #2. My Nmom now compliments me on what a great job she thinks I am doing raising my daughter. Again, I should be glad for this, but I am not. She thinks my daughter is unusually smart. I feel like she wants to groom my daughter to be her Golden Child (reminds me of how she groomed my brother as the Golden Child). It makes my skin crawl. I can’t stand the thought of my mother using my daughter to aggrandize herself. But I don’t know how to stop her. I don’t know what to say.
Example #3. Another, more frivolous example is about material things. My Nmom loves to buy things, and is very specific about what gifts she would like to receive from me. If someone has something that she admires, she can’t rest until she possesses that object or one identical to it. My best friend gave me a lovely and expensive perfume for my wedding. My friend picked it out just for me; she put a lot of thought into it, and it was a very special, personal gift. Well, my mom smelled it on me one day and asked that I buy her some of the same perfume for her birthday. When I objected, saying that it was a very personal gift and I wanted it for my own, she belittled me. Though I felt proud that I attempted to stand up to her, the old self-talk told me I was being oversensitive and oversentimental. I agonized for weeks over what to do, finally giving her an equally nice, expensive perfume that reminded me of her: a useless attempt to connect and do something thoughtful and personal for her. I put a lot of thought (and anguish) into it, but I doubt she ever wore it.
Example #4. I have worked hard to get where I am in terms of my education and my career. I can objectively look at what I have done and see that it is a lot. I should feel proud, but I don’t feel like the accomplishments are really mine. I think I did most of it, not for myself, but to get recognition and acceptance from my FOO. Right now I am working on another academic degree, but have stalled out in the past couple years. I work at a snail’s pace. I can’t find motivation in the old ways, and I have yet to find new, healthier motivations. I think I am afraid that if I finish, I won’t feel like it’s really my accomplishment.
In short, I feel like she's stolen my voice and my experiences and my self-esteem, and kept them for herself.
Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.
I would love to hear your own thoughts and experiences with co-opting, and perhaps what to do about it, if you feel like sharing.
