The love we deserve

[Brigid]

Okay, so the water feels a little warmer today, so I'm jumping in the pond for a swim and hope the alligators have had their fill for the moment.   

Over the long weekend, I was sharing a particularly painful story of my past with my sweet b/f--who I will say is not a man of many words, so when he does say something serious, he has thought about it and is sincere--who turned and looked at me and told me that he wants to love me the way "I deserve to be loved." 

That somehow seemed like one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me and I told him so.  The best part is, that I believe him, because I trust him.  That is a huge step for me in the old rebuilding of trust game that I have been working on for the last year or so.

But that started me thinking about what is the love we deserve and from whom should we receive it.  Do we expect to have to earn it from some, but have it offered unconditionally by others?  What if those who should have (if you believe that) offered it unconditionally, never did?  How does that affect our future with the whole concept of love and being able to accept it and return it?  Does that completely distort our view of what love actually should look and feel like?

I would say that from my own experience and the many stories I have read here, that the obvious answer to my last question would be yes.  I do think those of us who never felt love as children grow up with a very distorted view of love--probably don't even know what that means.  Some of us view love as sexual attention, some see it as the need to fix or repair other damaged souls--which tends to make us more damaged in the process--some just keep trying to please those who should love us, in the hope that they eventually will; and still others just withdraw from the whole concept so as not to be further injured.

In my case, having children was the key to discovering what it means to love fully and unconditionally.  But even with that discovery, it is not quite the same as feeling the love of adult to child (me being the child), or adult to adult.  I could easily love my children and accept their love in return, but still not feel worthy of the love of another adult. 

As I build this relationship with my b/f, after all my hours with my wonderful therapist, I think I finally am starting to feel worthy of the love of another adult who does not need for me to fix him or change myself to be something he wants.  Even after learning of the difficult things I have dealt with in my life, he still wants to love me just the way I am.  What I have learned is that love like this comes easily, gently, kindly and is basically devoid of angst, anger, pain and frustration.  It is a strange, but wonderful sensation.

I was just curious how others have learned to offer and accept love gracefully or do you still struggle with that.

Time to get back on the bank in the sunshine--I'm starting to wrinkle.

Brigid

[Portia]

Brigid

your post created some deep thoughts, thank you….I guess it’s about the offer and the acceptance as you say. And yes, love doesn’t have to hurt (although it probably will at some point through misunderstandings).

Is the pond analogy what you feel, seriously? I mean, do you feel there are alligators (like me, I’m pointing the finger at myself because that’s easiest for me to do) that want to hurt you? Or are they similar humans who simply hurt and deal with that differently so to speak.

I keep re-defining what I think love is and acceptance is high on the list. Even if I don’t understand why someone has said or done something, the willingness to find out why and understand is love I think.

To allow someone else to accept you as you are, to feel secure enough in yourself to allow someone to really know you …. letting them know you, I guess that’s love or the offer of love?

[Brigid]

Portia,

Is the pond analogy what you feel, seriously? I mean, do you feel there are alligators (like me, I’m pointing the finger at myself because that’s easiest for me to do) that want to hurt you? Or are they similar humans who simply hurt and deal with that differently so to speak.

To a certain degree, yes I do feel that way.  I don't feel that with you, but some scare me a little.  I'm sure they are individuals dealing with pain in the only way they know how, but that doesn't necessarily make it less scary or uncomfortable for me.

To allow someone else to accept you as you are, to feel secure enough in yourself to allow someone to really know you …. letting them know you, I guess that’s love or the offer of love?

I think that is one valuable component, but a hard one to get to when acceptance was not freely given to us as children.  Accepting ourselves as worthy and valuable--leading to that all-important self-love--is probably the first step toward being able to feel the love and acceptance of others.

Brigid

[Portia]

Thanks for your reply Brigid,

thanks for saying you don't feel scared with me, if I have that right, I’m glad. I feel like asking, is there anything I can say to help you feel less scared or uncomfortable around, well… I guess I’d call it more vibrant text? I think posting this thread is a great way of overcoming those kinds of feelings.

What I mean is, let’s say a vibrant thread started up alongside yours. Would you still post here, or would you feel as though the other thread (for avoidance of doubt, this is definitely theoretical) might leach in to yours - that any apparently strong feelings would overflow and affect what is here? Maybe it’s about having your space and feeling okay with your space no matter what happens with others…I’m rambling and starting to talk nonsense I feel. It happens.

Accepting ourselves as worthy and valuable--leading to that all-important self-love--is probably the first step toward being able to feel the love and acceptance of others.

Agreed. I’m not even sure now whether I need to feel worthy and valuable, seriously. I’m a wordy type person and when I think worthy or valuable, I’m immediately rating myself (am I worthy or valuable enough?) so I’m trying to think just plain and simple ‘acceptance’ – for what I am, whatever I am today, is okay. I get hung up on words though! Whatever works for anyone is okay if it works.

Did you see that site about ‘rating’? let me see if I can find some of it...found it, page 3 of Grace’s thread which I’m bringing back up to say hello to Grace and to make it easier to see the original post from write because it has so much good in it… this is part of it:

A better way: self-acceptance
There is a better solution: dispense with the idea of self-esteem altogether! Forget about having a 'self-image'. Give up the notion of liking or disliking your 'self'.

You do not need to worry about whether you are worthwhile - because 'worth' and 'value' are ideas that do not apply to human beings.

Sounds a bit radical? Let us take a closer look. What I am saying is: do not rate yourself at all - even in a positive direction. Instead, accept yourself.

Self-acceptance is the opposite of self-rating. It is unconditional. You accept your entire self (flaws and all) as you are now - even if there are things you'd like to change.

To accept yourself is to acknowledge three things - (1) you exist, (2) there is no reason you should be any different to how you are, and (3) you are neither worthy nor unworthy.

I think this is all to do with love, self-love and loving?

[moonlight52]

 Hi   For the first time in my life I do not even have the question am I WORTHY .I am just a person haven't done much harm to any one
 when I look back I have given as much Love as I could at each point of struggle .Now at this this time The universe has lifted a
burden of struggle from me .I am the real me .I AM not struggling as I WAS and it is so.
It feels quiet safe peaceful,like no one can get me any more .Different then I have ever felt in my life.I am a becoming a strong lighthouse for my loved ones
Love and Light
Moonlight

[Brigid]

For the first time in my life I do not even have the question am I WORTHY

Wow, Moon, I am very envious.  Such a wonderful thing to have attained.

It feels quiet safe peaceful,like no one can get me any more .Different then I have ever felt in my life.I am a becoming a strong lighthouse for my loved ones

A place we should all strive to reach.  I've always loved lighthouses.  There is something so beautiful and soothing and yet safe and strong, too.  I know you are an artist.  Have you ever considered them as subject matter?  I am probably fond of them because of my fondness for the seaside.  That is always a place I find reflective and peaceful.

I am so happy for you that you have found peace.  It is the thing I have most longed for over the last 3 years and feel like I'm getting there too.  Serenity is the word I have used, but peace works too.

Portia,

Thank you for bringing up the piece on self-acceptance (in this context, is it the same as self-love?).  I must have read it before, but it was more meaningful now.

Self-acceptance is the opposite of self-rating. It is unconditional. You accept your entire self (flaws and all) as you are now - even if there are things you'd like to change.

I like that quote.  That is really an admirable goal to have.  I think most humans should strive to be a work in progress who remain open to new ideas, ways to improve, and don't become completely unglued when life takes a turn.  The hard part is being OK with who you are before there is change or being OK with not making a change, even if it could potentially make you a better or healthier person, i.e., giving up smoking, losing weight, etc.

This is a big part of why a narcissist will never be happy.  They cannot accept who they are, really, or that there needs to be change.  At least there is hope for us because we know we need to make changes in order to achieve acceptance and hopefully, ultimately be happy.

Hugs,

Brigid

[WRITE]

I was just curious how others have learned to offer and accept love gracefully or do you still struggle with that.

welcome back!
To here and to trusting.

I don't think I am where I can trust someone just yet ( not just them- me too )

But I am getting to love myself in a new way. Little things like getting enough sleep, being able to go to bed with an issue unresolved and think, I'll find strength for that tomorrow, eating better food, paying attention to my son & enjoying the time we spend together. Asserting myself, getting tasks done, asking to be paid fairly, finding new things to interest and occupy my leisure.

It probably seems like nothing to someone who has always done these things, but I grew up without a clue how to take care of myself. I always find someone to take care of instead! And I think that it meant secretly I was looking for someone to take care of me.

Accepting ourselves as worthy and valuable--leading to that all-important self-love--is probably the first step toward being able to feel the love and acceptance of others.

I think that's exactly it. On a deep level, trusting life will give what we need, and we can wait for it and it'll be ok.

I am a becoming a strong lighthouse for my loved ones
That was Maya Angelou's theme for her talk, 'this little light of mine...'

[moonlight52]

Hi   It is so simple in a matter of days of detaching from n dad after writing a letter explaining my feelings ,I am free .I feel like I HAD SOME KIND OF PHYSICAL DISEASE and then took a nap and my bed was then surrounded by Rose angels of healing light and while I slept they
shined their powerful rays of healing light on me saying now its time .Your healing now begins the LOVE WE ALL DESERVE IS YOURS.
love and light
Moon

[pennyplant]

Hi Brigid,

I think that love should NEVER have to be earned.  It does effect us when as children we did not receive it.  Or perceive it.  And it goes that way from one generation to the next.  You can't give what you didn't get.  Yet somehow, many of us break that terrible cycle.

I can't think of how it came to be that I found real love with my husband.  We were only 17 when we met.  Both of us voiceless.  It could just as easily have been a recipe for some kind of mutual abuse or unhappiness.  We also have a loving connection with our kids, in spite of many difficulties.  I just think we are very fortunate.

Worthy of love, everybody is.

Pennyplant

[moonlight52]

Hi PP My hubby and I met I was  17 he was 19 and we were both voiceless as you say .we seem to have had similar experiences here.Also bringing up our children and breaking and overcoming cycles from our n parents. 
Love and Light
Moonlight

[adrift]

I have learned is that love like this comes easily, gently, kindly and is basically devoid of angst, anger, pain and frustration.  It is a strange, but wonderful sensation.

I was just curious how others have learned to offer and accept love gracefully or do you still struggle with that.

It's wonderful for you that you've found this!! I'm happy for you.  Personally I'm struggling, but at least now I'm beginning to see the demons more clearly and that's a necessary step before they can be dealth with.  I never knew until recently that life could be "devoid of angst, anger, pain and frustration".  It's nice to know that such a life can exist, isn't it.

[Brigid]

Write,

But I am getting to love myself in a new way. Little things like getting enough sleep, being able to go to bed with an issue unresolved and think, I'll find strength for that tomorrow, eating better food, paying attention to my son & enjoying the time we spend together. Asserting myself, getting tasks done, asking to be paid fairly, finding new things to interest and occupy my leisure.

I think this is an important first step.  Thinking that you deserve to be kind to yourself is the beginning of loving yourself.

It probably seems like nothing to someone who has always done these things, but I grew up without a clue how to take care of myself. I always find someone to take care of instead! And I think that it meant secretly I was looking for someone to take care of me.

Makes perfect sense to me.  I think we believe that if we take care of someone, they, in turn, will take care of us.  It is the Golden Rule of love.  But because we have chosen damaged individuals,  who don't even know that the Golden Rule exists, that love and caring will not be returned.  It will just keep getting sucked out of us until the well runs dry and we are left empty and they are looking for a new supply source.

Pennyplant,

I think that love should NEVER have to be earned.

Maybe "earned" is not the right word.  I guess what I was getting at there was that 2 people who want to have a relationship outside of the familial relationships, need to grow into love mutually.  It didn't exist automatically because of the nature of the relationship, i.e. mother & child, or siblings.  In my case, I probably did love my parents and brother at one point in my life, but fell out of love with those people who I eventually realized didn't deserve it.

But to have the love of a partner, you should have to be willing to offer yourself in a deep and meaningful way.  Obviously, it needs to go both ways in order to be true love, but if you are unwilling to be honest and vulnerable, the feelings will only be superficial.  After I learned of all the lies and secrets my xh was keeping, I realized how superficial our relationship was.  I also know now that that is the best he could do.  That I was so blind to it and wanted so much to believe we had true love that I missed all the signs and signals of his deceit, is what destroyed my ability to trust and sent me into a place of such pain and devastation for quite some time.

Moon,

My hubby and I met I was  17 he was 19 and we were both voiceless as you say .we seem to have had similar experiences here.Also bringing up our children and breaking and overcoming cycles from our n parents.

You and Pennyplant are so lucky that you could find someone at such a young age with whom to grow into a love that has such deep meaning and fullfillment.  As PP said, it could have been a recipe for disaster (it certainly was with my first xh who I met at 17).  Breaking cycles of abuse--no matter what form that takes--is so critical for creating a future of healthy individuals.  Perhaps it is a good thing that a few of us like mum, write, and others here who married n men or women, have been there as a beacon of hope for our children to save them from a future of their own pain and emptiness.

Adrift,

It's wonderful for you that you've found this!! I'm happy for you. 

Thank you.  They say that you have to work at relationships in order to make them thrive.  So far, the relationship I have has never felt anything like work.  I'm not suggesting that over time that wouldn't be the case, but for now it is just so easy. 

I'm glad that you are beginning to see that it would be possible for you, too.

Hugs to you all,

Brigid