Hi Hops,
I tend to "miss" things when they stop. People, places, circumstances. And it doesn't seem to matter if it was all that great or not. Well, if something was horrible, when it stops I don't mind. But I am somewhat "adaptable". The way I deal with problems or changes is to work very hard at incorporating it into my system. And I bet this is related to the lack of boundaries, the not knowing where I leave off and others begin. It is not something that has occurred for me with just family members or peers. It happens with me in buildings, routes to work, schooling, jobs, clothes, everything a person can encounter. I seem to be somewhat absorbant. And while I'm busily absorbing some things I am completely oblivious to other things. I think my idea lately of taking things a little more slowly and deliberately might help me become less absorbant and also less wreckless with my attachments. Now, the previous stuff that is still in there--well, that's a work in progress. So, anyway, I think you're right about my sense of loss. It does make sense to me. I won't let it stop me from growing, though.
Hi LightofHeart,
It took me a very long time to start a thread. Probably about four months. I notice that some people, the very first time you hear of them on the board is with a new thread telling about what brought them here. Most of my life I have told myself, "Nobody is going to be interested in hearing what you have to say." I used to talk a lot and nobody seemed to listen. Logical conclusion--not interesting, might as well be quiet. So, I don't think of myself as a natural story teller. (Can't tell a joke to save my life, unless it is the one about the rope who goes into a bar. That one, for some reason, sticks with me
.)
One of my quirks is that I am very comfortable in front of an audience. Well, not unnaturally so. But I have given speeches, presentations, and read some creative writing in front of my college class. I gave my father's eulogy. My guess is that I can do this because it is not as personal. I'm not trying to make friends. It is structured. My oldest son who has panic attacks and chronic anxiety disorder can also do the same thing. With something specific to say and do, he can hold an audience in the palm of his hand.
The thing that finally made it possible for me to start a thread was that I finally found a subject that I thought I had something to say about and which I thought at least a couple of people would also want to talk about. I was only slightly nervous when I hit post. But if I had tried to do it sooner, then the queasies would have been swimming around in there!
Hi Hope,
You're welcome. And real life is much harder for me, too. I liked Mud's muscle analogy because I have actually experienced it physically in real life. My current job is very physical. I came to it after twenty years of fairly sedentary work in offices and libraries. Oh, those first months were hard. The only thing that kept me at it was pride. I would never have admitted to anyone there that I was having trouble lifting things that only weighed maybe ten or fifteen pounds. Let alone the stuff that weighed far more. What I learned was that I could do it and not die even if I felt like crap and was all sweaty and red in the face. I'm in pretty good shape now for a person my size. It feels like I know what I'm made of physically now, and I NEVER would have guessed it was possible. So, I figure I can go the next step and work on my soul in the same way.
So, your parents have been visiting. How long does it take to be yourself again after such visits? Something like that can really stir up the thoughts and memories. It is good to come here when you forget your words--it seems like there is always somebody on the board who can come through at those times.
Thank you all. Pennyplant
