Reply to Portia.... re: love thread.....

[Healing&Hopeful]

Dear H&H

There’s such a thing as being too nice, too polite. It’s not just bad manners to eat that piece of chicken: it’s inconsiderate, selfish, thoughtless garbage. It tells you that you don’t matter at all. It seems it was all about your brother. All about him, and He Ate Your Chicken. He obviously feels quite entitled to your chicken.   I bet it doesn’t stop at chicken. Sorry H&H I’m angry at your family. They didn’t ask about your day. I want to give all of them – no exceptions – a piece of my mind. This isn’t some small unimportant event, it’s indicative of your place in the family, as created for you. Did they think they were doing you a favour by visiting you? That’s how I felt and I could be wrong. How about next time you suggest a restaurant and you can split the bill according to what you each eat? That might be interesting!

Hiya Portia

I didn’t feel very comfy responding to this on Jac’s thread so thought I’d move to one side if you don’t mind.  I've included the bit so you know what I'm responding too...

Did they think they were doing you a favour by visiting you?
Hmmm tough question… well, maybe it’s not so tough, maybe it’s because I don’t like the answer.  They go to this garden show every year, however the first year they went I didn’t find out that they had gone until afterwards.  I was quite hurt as you can maybe imagine, to have your family be about a mile from where you work, 18 miles from where you live and not bother even to call you or let you know or make an effort to see you.  So I did bring this up with them, and I also turned it round and said how would you feel if I came to see (and I named a friend who lives very close to them) and didn’t bother to let you know or contact you… just tell you afterwards.  So now, every year they come over to ours afterwards.

Going back to the food, this is the second time this has happened with my brother but one thing I have picked up on it that it only happens when my husband isn’t around.  My brother has never done this in front of my husband, which I think is probably why I’m not prepared…. And because I’m not prepared I don’t have a suitable response, just sit there and bite my tongue…. If I say any Mum and Stepdad would only take his side anyway so it’s just not worth it.  I did mention about the chicken and asked who had two pieces…. Mum kinda laughed and said she didn’t realise and Stepdad said oh…. No surprises that my brother thinks it’s ok to do this as no one’s actually said, that’s rude.

The other thing with my family is, not one of them said thank you for my cooking either…. I asked them if it was ok… to which they replied it was lovely, however a “this is lovely, thank you” is nicer if it’s not prodded if you know what I mean.

And if I’m really going to have a whinge about my family I’ll share this…. This is shocking and makes me cringe to the core.  The time before last we were round my family, Mum was sat on the sofa with her feet up on a footstool…. What’s wrong with that hey?  Except she was wearing a skirt and had her legs open.  We were sat at the table and my husband got to say we got an eye full was quite an understatement.  My H got up and wiped the table so it didn’t look too obvious that he had moved.  Anyway, the last time I was there which was a couple of weeks later, it was just me and Mum, so I discreetly said to her that did she realise that we could see up her skirt when she sat like that.  She said Oh, me and Dad were talking about that…. Is that why H moved?, so I said yes, and she laughed.  Laughed I tell you… not embarrassed, not mortified as I would be if someone had said that… Laughed! 

Anyway, I’m going to sign off before I wind myself up writing any more….

Love H&H xx

[Portia]

Hiya H&H

Good move imo. This is important stuff eh? Well I think so and not fair or polite or nice to do it on Jac’s thread and what’s more it can focus on you without worrying about going off topic, so all in all, a great move! Being selfish and self-respecting is darn good because somehow..it makes me feel good too. When you respect yourself, I respect you too and somehow…I get to respect myself in the process. Weird. Reciprocal I guess.

Anyway, to the bones. Oh dear, I got a bit annoyed reading. I was re-living not just my family, but my neighbour’s family too. It’s so easy to see what’s awry and yet when others laugh it off, I feel confused and like I’m the one seeing it ‘wrong’….here goes..

I was quite hurt as you can maybe imagine, to have your family be about a mile from where you work, 18 miles from where you live and not bother even to call you or let you know or make an effort to see you.

Yes. Mother has done this to me and it stings. But I didn’t say anything, I observed that she doesn’t think it’s odd. She thinks it’s okay because all that matters to her is what’s happening to her. I’ve reached the point now where if she’s happy and not bad-mouthing me, hey, that’s good. I just want to be left alone. I don’t need the hard work that seeing her entails. It’s not fun, it’s hard work and it has an emotional toll. I’d rather be kind to myself.

If you don’t enjoy these visits now in any way (be very honest with yourself), you don’t have to continue. These family habits seem to grab hold and nobody wants to be the one who says ‘no’. Careful planning can deal with it, if you ever want to. Easy option: next year, arrange to be away. Even invent a friend’s engagement party or something, so that you won’t be around and they can’t visit. Once the cycle is broken, it’ll be easier to say yes or no the year after. I did this with Christmas visits and now I don’t go near any family, unless I choose to. I’m sorry H&H this is painful stuff. But it seems it’s painful having them visit? You’ve thought about your dad and now your brain is working on your other family members and that’s got to hurt. I am sorry.

Mum kinda laughed and said she didn’t realise and Stepdad said oh…. No surprises that my brother thinks it’s ok to do this as no one’s actually said, that’s rude.

I don’t doubt your brother respects the man of the house when your H is around. He’s weak and opportunistic and both your parents haven’t helped I would guess. Mum refuses to take any responsibility for brother’s actions and stepdad said Oh? Or did he say your brother thinks it’s okay to do that? Either way your stepdad isn’t taking responsibility either.

a “this is lovely, thank you” is nicer if it’s not prodded if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean. A genuine appreciation of your hard work and love (food is love) as opposed to a thank you that sounds like it’s been given grudgingly, or as a gift to you, a thing they bestow on you….from their superior position. Sorry, that’s me projecting there from my experience.

so I discreetly said to her that did she realise that we could see up her skirt when she sat like that.  She said Oh, me and Dad were talking about that…. Is that why H moved?, so I said yes, and she laughed.

This made you cringe, your mother doing this. I would have cringed too. I saw a woman (ex-wife, mother etc) doing this recently. I actually intervened physically between her and the object of her …ahem …exposure and left both parties (the guy was looking, a bit drunk and in front of his wife too) in no doubt that I’d seen and understood. Because I cared about the other folks present, hers and his kids and so on. Anyway. What your mother does is her problem. Not yours. Yes she has problems and her laughing is laughing at your embarrassment and enjoying that she thinks your H was embarrassed (do I need to spell out what she thinks here.....?)…..gosh this is horrible stuff. I hope it’s not too much? It can be. I don’t know though, it’s my opinion from words you’ve written, I don’t really know eh? You know your family and I don’t. I can just throw ideas and suggestions and opinions around. I like your H though, he’s so cool with his reactions. 

Oh H&H. It’s not easy is it? I don’t think so. But it gets easier I’m sure. This isn’t just an uneasy event; it’s indicative of a lot, as ever, I guess maybe it’s allowing yourself to think about it, see it for what it is, decide if you want it in your life and if so, how to deal with it differently – so that you feel better, less emotionally drained when you see these folks.?

How do you feel? Maybe you’ll have dreams this weekend. I have dreams at critical points now. Had an amazing one in the week. I had killed a woman and was taking her body around with me everywhere, having to hide it because I was a murderer. Eventually this body became a bit fetid and I was caught trying to move her again. The people who caught me shot me and as I was shot…I was happy. Weird huh? I think I was carrying around the old me, some old skin of self and desperately hanging on to it (although I've killed it!), and that shot released me, another me, from the one that wanted to hang on to the past me. Either that or I’d eaten too many pickled gherkins and cheese before bed!!   

[Hops]

Hi H&H,
Maybe you don't need to toss out your entire family all at once. Would be a big shock.

But I do think using them for target practice, I mean assertiveness practice, is a good idea.

Have you ever taken an "assertiveness training" class? I bet you would be amazed.
Most cities have them...

Hops

[moonlight52]

HI Guys I want to take assertive classes too .I am going to look it up !Where would find it Hoppys at community college?
Moon

[Hops]

Hi Moon,
That's wonderful, I bet you would be blown away by assertiveness training too.
Over here, we have them mostly associated with counseling centers, and women's centers.

That's where I'd start. Maybe Google will help.

I would love to hear what you think of it, this is exciting!

(((Moon)))

Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((Portia)))))))) ((((((((Moon)))))))) (((((((Hops)))))))

I don't have much time to respond properly right now, however I will later or tomorrow....

I'm not thinking of tossing my whole family out, and to be fair I am pretty assertive, however if I say anything to Mum & Dad about my brother they automatically take his side... Oh he didn't mean it, and I end up feeling petty.

I have been thinking some more about this though.... Once I left, my room and my brother's room was knocked into one so he had a nice big room (and made it into a 2 bed bungalow) and if I ever need to stay there (which hasn't been for years now), I get to sleep on the floor... I was kinda of thinking, well, if he has been so readily given my room in the family, my space, why can't he help himself to my food also?  So I think I just need to think of ways to get that space in the family back.... what do you think?  I haven't really come up with any ways yet so I don't know if anyone here can think of any ideas?

Must dash.... take care....

Love H&H xx

[Portia]

Hi H&H, thanks for replying, I was concerned that maybe I’d said too much.

I agree with Hops, you don’t have to estrange yourself from your family – I haven’t done that. I suppose I relate to them now as they relate to me. I don’t expect much these days…and I don’t get much haha! If my mother tells me she’s been somewhere within 20 miles of me (she lives a long way off, a few hours), I simply ask what she did, did she enjoy it etc. If I feel hurt, I feel hurt, that’s me. How she is, is how she is…you know how it goes.

It’s not all up to me. I can try and have a relationship that I would like….but will they reciprocate? I can send out feelers sometimes (and usually get hurt again).

All we can do is decide what we want, what we are happiest with, or most content with, and then live by it….and deal with tricky situations / interactions as they arise. Your meal is a great example to me of why this board works. If it had been me and I was confused about why I felt bad about the visit, I’d have asked people here for their interpretation, and felt less confused, less like it was ‘my fault’ (it’s not your fault, never was).

Your words about your bedroom resonate with me. When my stepdad died, mum totally changed their house. It shocked me just how much. As part of that she threw out all my bedroom furniture and replaced it…and when I last went there, it was basically her second bedroom and then it was my uncle’s room next (he visited her a lot). There is no trace of anything that is mine there. That kinda hurt but hey-ho, it says much about …things as they really are eh?

So I think I just need to think of ways to get that space in the family back.

Ummmmm wow I’ve been thinking this. You know what? I’m not sure I want a space. The more I find out about my blood family, the less I want to spend time with them. My partner is my family now and my house is my home, the only real home I’ve had. I want to expend my energy on this home and on him, because he and this home matter more to me than anything. Maybe I’m fooling myself about the depth of my hurt from my family? Or maybe I’m practising good behavioural techniques in applying my energy towards positive things, rather than towards negative things which drain my energy.   

I’d like to hear what you think about getting the space back though, because I’m in no way committed to my current path. Always open to change! 

By the way, I think your mother is very envious of your relationship with your H. If I’m right about that, it’s sad and pathetic and says much about her state of mind, which isn’t happy or content. But you’re not responsible for that, or for her behaviour.

Oh he didn't mean it, and I end up feeling petty.

I wouldn’t feel petty, I’d feel outraged that he always gets more ‘love’, respect and attention than I do but then it’s a dysfunctional family, what can I expect? There I go, ladling on the bad stuff for you...but... I think you’ve a great brain and an exceptionally kind and generous heart H&H. I want you to take care of you! (((((((H&H)))))))

[pennyplant]

Hi H&H,

I'm coming at this from my own personal experience, as far as keeping space in my parent's home.  In a way, it seems to me like a trap of some sort.  I have always felt that my home and my family is where I am with my husband and kids.  The homes I grew up in are long since sold.  My parents split up and my mother remarried and moved out of state.  I often wished there was a family home to return to for holidays, but it just wasn't possible.  We never had a comforting home really.

Now when I do see my mother I feel young in a negative way.  I don't like how that feeling of tension and having to "behave" returns.  I've grown way past that and don't see any way of making room for myself there, my real self, when there was NEVER room for who I really am.  Isn't that maybe the case for you too?  Has it always been about your brother on some level?

When I left home, my mother sold me some furniture of my grandparents to start out with and gave me a couch.  It did hurt on some level that I couldn't have my own things back.  It just seemed awfully stingy on my mother's part to sell me things.  And she took my furniture with her when she moved out of state.  What does that say I wonder?  That it was never mine to begin with?  Or that she was hanging onto me, whoever she thought that was?  In her own mind keeping me young by keeping my furniture and taking it with her?  Or keeping herself young by keeping my things just as they were when I was a child?  Probably it was never mine to begin with.  There was never space in that family for me to begin with.

I feel better now that there is space for me of my own making.

I'm persuaded that Portia has the right idea here, meeting your parents the way they meet you.  That part of it is sad.  But it is good that there is space for you where you are now.  I would think it is more valuable to work on making that the right place for you.

Pennyplant

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((Portia))))))) (((((((((((((Pennyplant))))))))))

Many thanks for taking the time to reply….

Portia…Please don’t be concerned you said too much… I love to hear what you have to say and am always in awe of how much time and effort you are prepared to put in your posts.

I think I’ll start by telling you about Sunday.  As it was father’s day I rang my stepdad to wish him happy father’s day and see if he liked the present I bought him.  He and my brother had gone to the shop together, so I had a chat with Mum.

Mum was telling me about a pigeon that she kept seeing in her garden and everytime she went out it flew away…. So she saw it out of the bedroom window and it was in her plum tree eating her plums.  Cheeky thing, she said!  So she asked my brother for some CD’s which she tied to the tree as a deterrent.  It was on the tip of my tongue to say, well, you might know how I feel about the chicken!  But I didn’t, because of course it would be a completely different story, and it really isn’t worth going down that road.  You do have to laugh though don’t you!!

I guess one good thing about not having any physical space at home means that if we did choose to have kids, then I’ve got a great reason for not letting them stay over…. In that I’m not having my kids sleep on your floor, if you can’t provide room for them.

Pennyplant…. Your post rang bells too…. After I was thrown out of bio dads and Mum made sure I wasn’t going back to theirs, I lived in this tiny little bedsit.  I had nothing of my own, the bedsit was furnished to a fashion (all really hideous 70’s stuff, and this was in the 90’s)…. My parents had thrown my stuff out.  Why couldn’t they have given it to me?  It wasn’t much but you know…. It made me think because of what you said about having to buy your Grandparents furniture.  Always some excuse though….

When I say space though, I think I mean emotional space more than physical.  And you are both right… I do have that space at home, my H is my family and I have somewhere to call home, but then I think this is about keeping that space…. Why should they have my space when they’ve got plenty of their own?  Make any sense?

It’s not a disaster every time they come over… though I do find it hard that they treat my 23 year old brother like a child, but that’s up to them and if he wanted to do something about it he would.  I’ve given my brother the option to come over to ours for a weekend on his own and he’s never took me up on it, so I left it that he was welcome anytime and it was up to him.  We almost had an issue at my wedding because we didn’t have a top table as such because I couldn’t stand being on show like that but we did have a main ordinary table with the parents etc, but Mum was “surely the usher (my brother) gets to sit on our table”.  I explained that it wasn’t possible because there was going to be me & Brian, her and dad, Brian’s mum & dad and the best man and his girlfriend.  I said I wasn’t prepared to split up the best man and his girlfriend just so my brother could sit on the table, however my brother would be sat with the bridesmaids and our aunty.  He had a brilliant time, dancing with my friends and he was a different person, really surprised me…. However back with my parents and it’s almost like he falls into the kind of person they want him to be, falls back to being the child.

When my parents come over, they generally bring their routine with them…. We eat at their times, we bend to fit in with them but it’s in our house.  A lot of this stems from my dad being disabled, and needs to eat before he has his tablets, but they were like before and I can’t bring myself to change this and look like the mean one so I think this is another put up and shut up.  Because my stepdad treated me with love, I will go out of my way to help him be more comfortable.

Not sure that I’ve answered anything here…. Hmmmmm….. Is it worth getting my emotional/physical space back at home when they come over I suppose is the question?  What do you think?

Love H&H xx

[Portia]

Morning H&H

Thank you for the reassurance re me saying too much. I appreciate it. Feedback is good!

Poor pigeon. Just a wild bird that wants to eat and she takes it personally?? I have similar stories (where wild birds are actively engaging with the N because the N is so wonderful……). Hey the wood pigeons that visit my garden crap everywhere and drive me nuts with early morning woo-wooing but golly: that’s what they do. I still feed ‘em. Oh….people!

I guess one good thing about not having any physical space at home means that if we did choose to have kids, then I’ve got a great reason for not letting them stay over

Brilliant. I like it. I hope you do have children. You’d be a great mum.

I wanted to ask how old your brother was. He’s still a bit young I guess and:

However back with my parents and it’s almost like he falls into the kind of person they want him to be, falls back to being the child.

Yes. Will he leave? Has he had girlfriends (boyfriends)? Does he have a life of his own? Now I’m interested in your brother! You don’t have to answer. Families always interest me.

Is it worth getting my emotional/physical space back at home when they come over I suppose is the question?

Is this, ‘how do I interact with them differently so that they treat me with the respect I want’? If it isn’t, please let me know how you see it – i.e. exactly what it is you think you might want…me, I wonder what I want if anything from relationships with my family. It’s nice not feel lonely and orphaned, but as my other half has said, I have sounded and acted like an orphan anyway (when I’ve talked about my childhood) so maybe there’s a truth in there. I mean, I can tolerate and even humour my parents, but get close to them, find I have a place in their world? That’s not going to happen, I just know it, unless they both have ….. brain transplants!!

But yes, where do you go from here, what would you like to happen, given the reality of how they are?

Is it worth it, getting something for yourself? Yes, undoubtedly. If you want something, thinking about it and working out what you want and can you get it  - that’s all for the good. Thinking costs nothing!

[Healing&Hopeful]

Morning Portia

Info about my brother…. From what I know he hasn’t got any friends so to speak.  He works as a bus driver and has acquaintances at work however he doesn’t go out with these people outside of work.  It was the same with his last job.  As far as I’m aware he’s never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend).  Mum told me quite a few years ago now that he was emailing this girl and her language was appalling so she thought my brother could find a much nicer girl than that.  I did want to ask how she knew about the emailing and her language but I didn’t.  After our wedding apparently my aunty was jesting that he could get together with my bridesmaid as they were dancing together.  My bridesmaid is a lovely girl and very good as putting anyone at ease, however she is very work orientated, on a high income and 7 years older than my brother because she is my age.  Mum turned to me and said about what my aunty had said and kind of implied if my brother had a chance.  I was so surprised she’d asked for starters as they are two very different people, but this is one of my friends that my Mum thinks very highly of.  Probably because she was impressed by her status, however I know my friend in a different light and she can hide behind her work because she’s scared of getting involved.  It’s something we’ve discussed at length over a coffee, but she’s also someone who when you first meet her she seems so confident and together that you think nothing can ever phase her.

So my brother’s typical week is go to work, go to the gym for an hour a week, sit in front of the tv in his slippers with my parents (he doesn’t have a tv in his room, or a double bed!), or play on his computer.  That’s his life, and if that’s what he wants then that’s fine, but I am concerned that he may want more and won’t realise until it’s too late.

That’s why I was so surprised at our wedding…. In fact quite a few people were because he was up dancing, he was helpful, nothing was too much trouble, he took his usher job seriously and he looked like he was having fun.

I’ll think some more about the other questions…. Maybe just a way to deal with it is to not see them on my own?  Maybe sounds a bit drastic, but it is easier with other people around.  They behave differently somehow…. Not sure how.  The next time they are over is 9th July when we are going out for the day with me and Hubby, so at least that won’t be so bad.

Love H&H xx

[Healing&Hopeful]

Actually thinking about this.... how I've described my brother's life is pretty much how my life was before I left home, except I was younger (17 when I left) and I did used to see friends in my lunch hour.  With one friend, when we both started working she used to work about a mile away and we used to meet up half way and grab a sandwich.

But it was monotonous, go to work, come home, have tea, pay board (which was half my wages at the time.... my brother pays the same today as I did back then!!!), go to my room, then get up and do the same the next day!  I used to ring my friends up when she was out food shopping in the morning because I didn't want her to hear everything I had to say, nothing was private and I think it's still the same for my brother.

[Portia]

H&H Thanks for talking about your brother. I guess he needs to grow up a little and your wedding was a good opportunity. I wonder if mum keeps him somewhat dependant, or he chooses to be dependant, or a combination of the two. I guess if you want to and there’s an opportunity to get him away a little it could only help; you’ve said you’ve invited him to yours but he doesn’t grasp the chance and it is up to him. Pondering about this and how your mum reacts to you and H together …I wonder if she quite likes brother at home because then she and stepdad don’t have to be alone together? When couples are left alone, they might have to face each other more and she may fear that, or not want it. I really am just pondering to no end here. It doesn’t help you eh? Or maybe it might, seeing how that ‘family’ unit may be operating.

Maybe just a way to deal with it is to not see them on my own?  Maybe sounds a bit drastic, but it is easier with other people around.

Doesn’t sound drastic to me, truly. I liked Hops idea of assertiveness class too. Wish I’d done it. I guess if you change your attitude to how you are with the family though, that will serve as assertiveness training and of the highest quality! Nothing like solid experience to learn from I think.

But it was monotonous,

Yes, it was endless monotony and boredom at my ‘home’ or so I thought. I think now I was depressed for so long and from a young age (as a child). Sure, everyday life can be monotonous, but for me it was like there was nothing ‘real’ going on; there was an emptiness, a greyness, a feeling of threat in the background…a feeling of wanting more all the time, that it must be different elsewhere..

I once said to stepdad (I was trying to be angry but failing, I could never get properly angry, too afraid): “Why can’t we be like normal families?” and he said “no family is normal” – which is only half true. Many families are more normal than others! At that time I wanted to know why we never went out anywhere, even just for a drive, let alone do normal stuff like picnic or walk or cinema or shop or play a game or ….you know, normal stuff. It was all wrong but I couldn’t figure out why because I had no concept of what normal, heck – loving -, was. I guess your brother doesn’t either? Maybe that’s why he came out of himself (or more like, found his ‘self’) at your wedding? He saw another type of life, with alive, happy people.

Take care H&H, hope you’re having a good Monday

[Healing&Hopeful]

Yes Portia…. It was a rarity for us to go out anywhere.  If we did it was to a garden centre so Mum could get plants, and on a very rare occasion we did go out further than the local garden centre, I do remember this place that did home made ice cream.  Loads of variety of flavours and we got to choose.  I can only remember going about twice but I do remember savouring them, and savouring that ice cream.  I guess we savour our rare happy moments.

I used to hide in books…. I read at least 3 books a week, all fiction and I was so grateful that we had a local library.  When I learnt to type, I actually started typing books… I’d type a whole book up so I could practice my typing on this manual typewriter which I’d saved up to buy.  Mum always used to complain that it did her head in, me banging away at the typewriter for hours on end, but seeing as she didn’t allow me to go out, I could only listen to music with head phones on so she didn’t hear that racket….  I used to relish the times on my own when her and my brother went to do some food shopping in the morning, so time to myself where I could make noise, where I could speak to my friends.  I wasn’t allowed to use the phone really, so I used to ring my friend and she would call me straight back… I then used to tell Mum that they had rung me which was mostly true.  There wasn’t much she could do about that then. 

When I was 16 (the last Christmas I had at home) it was horrendous.  Mum sniping at me to be grateful because I’d had more spent on me than my brother, Mum wanting to watch something she normally hated so I couldn’t watch something I wanted to.  It really was a truly horrible day and I still remember the misery of it.  I remember Mum saying “Why can’t we go out like normal people”  “Why can’t I have friends like normal people”  My stepdad sobbing in their bedroom and saying he was going to go back home to his Mum’s because he couldn’t cope with it any longer, and Mum said it was all my fault, look what I had done and to get out of her sight.  I remember my stepdad saying “It’s not her, it’s you!”

When I lived at my parents I wanted freedom, and the chance to be me and I think one thing I should realise is that I’ve achieved this.  I have my freedom and I am me, I have a family and I have a home.  I have come a long way and whatever my blood family are like, they can't take this away from me! xx

[Portia]

You can type! I use three or four fingers (huff puff puff, keeping up here). I have an image of you persevering against the odds, surviving. Me too I think. Not expecting very much and valuing anything that came my way.

I wasn’t allowed to use the phone either! But we lived above ‘the shop’ and then they moved and stayed home all day so I wasn’t at home alone much. Used to walk to the phone box for the weekly duty calls to Dad (him calling the box, me listening to him for an hour). What fun we had eh?! Time to make up for it now.

I remember Mum saying “Why can’t we go out like normal people”  “Why can’t I have friends like normal people” 
Yes, I was about 14 when I said ‘why can’t we be normal’. I grew up after that. Maybe your mother hasn’t grown up at all.

My stepdad sobbing in their bedroom and saying he was going to go back home to his Mum’s because he couldn’t cope with it any longer,
This is such a painful image….

and Mum said it was all my fault, look what I had done and to get out of her sight. 
Okay at this point you know how I feel about your mother right? I don’t need to say it. Except she’s no mother. You know what cold anger is like, the kind of anger that says truth without grace? Yah, that’s how I feel about your mother right now.

I remember my stepdad saying “It’s not her, it’s you!”
Too right. No wonder she – and probably him – don’t want your brother to have a life. For what would they do then?

When I lived at my parents I wanted freedom, and the chance to be me and I think one thing I should realise is that I’ve achieved this.  I have my freedom and I am me, I have a family and I have a home.  I have come a long way and whatever my blood family are like, they can't take this away from me!

  Ditto! A freedom cry and celebration for all! And what’s more, simply because by accident we were born to the people we were, that doesn’t mean we are anything like them (other than physical genetic things), and it doesn’t mean we owe them anything and it doesn’t mean we are infected with their toxicity. We sometimes think we ‘are’ our family and that’s mostly rubbish thinking. We’re survivors of crazy environments and they aren’t. Big differences!

(((((((((((((((H&H)))))))))))))))))