anger .............mine

[axa]

Hi guys,

still very conscious of the level of anger I hold inside of me.  Interestingly enough, the more aware I am of owning the anger the less connected I feel with N.  There seems to be some relationship with owning my anger and feeling less needy, more adult or something like that.  I really want to work on this because I am convinced now that this is the hook for me.

There are so many Ns around and I cannot do anything about them but I really want to work on protecting myself from them.  I have a gap in my defences and that is where I let them in.  I recently thought that if N was a woman I would have spotted him from the beginning and would have had nothing to do with him but I am really caught up in rescuing "little boys".  I am not sure where to do with this anger it has been hidden for so long, with the exception of occasional outbursts towards N.

Any thoughts,


Axa

[Stormchild]

Hi axa - do a little googling about the 'fight or flight' response.

Working out, walking, or some other exercise related routine [putting something lively on the stereo and dancing till you're tired, or vacuuming the whole house until you raise a sweat, if there isn't any other option] is a really good way to give your body the chance to work out the anger in a physical way without acting out or acting in.

The only problem is that it's possible to become dependent on the exercise routine [we all know people who are addicted to the gym]. But I'd say that small risk is probably worth the benefit of having a way to 'valve off' that does you direct benefit.

--- some thoughts about gyms --- a lot of them are so loud, noisy, boomy, crowded, full of 'vain yuppies'*, etc. that you end up more jangled and annoyed when you go there than you were before you headed there. I know people who constantly complain about the TVs, people crowding them off the machines, people hogging the gym towels, etc. etc. --- who needs that??? --- I use a gym that's part of a rehab facility, for people recovering from accidents, surgery, etc.  Its hours are more restricted, but it's quiet, never too crowded, the people are courteous to each other, there are genuinely qualified physical therapists on staff, and it's quite affordable since people can pay by the visit.

*boutique gyms are major N country. Easy to pick them out, though, they're the ones who never take their eyes off the mirror or their own muscles

[Certain Hope]

Hi Axa,

It's likely that the underpinnings of all that anger = a load of hurt, betrayal, and grief. Pride, too... after all, how dare they do this to me? And then fear, which is the glue, I think, which holds this toxic mix all together. Seems to be based on the faulty reasoning that if I forsake the anger, then I lose all protection against those who would consume me. A lifelong habit of operating in survival mode is not easily overcome, but I think that one of the first steps after recognizing the driving force behind our negative mindsets is to deliberately begin to form new habits of thinking. All emotions begin with a thought, possibly buried deep in the dim recesses, but a thought nonetheless. We do have control over which thoughts we'll allow to bloom into feelings. We also have a choice whether or not to act based on those feelings. I practice what the Bible calls "casting down vain imaginations" and literally envision myself choosing life over death each time I toss out one of those old thought patterns. It works.

You now have the anger out in the light of day. That's a great beginning! I don't know any way to overcome the flesh (thoughts, feelings, negative drives) other than by the Spirit. For me, this renewing of the mind is only possible when I focus on Christ instead of on myself or others who have wounded me. (Many times, I've been my own worst enemy, so this battle for the mind is a very real one to me.) For anyone though, I think that anger when it takes root as bitterness is the most destructive force there is, and again, forgiveness is the only way through. We can't receive anything as long as we have our fists clenched tightly around old rubbish. Gotta let it go.

With love,
Hope

[moonlight52]

Axa ,  All you have spoken so well is what I have felt .I now have stopped expecting Love Understanding etc.from FOO.

That brings the next step the anger .Then another, step the why .But soon it comes to your own soul. And to your own

responsibility of self.Then you can claim your own beingness .It is your LIFE .Also there even is forgiveness for those

that caused the pain to begin with .For what caused their's? Then comes a true souls peace .Its not that I have done these things completely but

some things are on there way to be done.But still with some people you can only send love and forgiveness from a distance.

I still am angry mixed with forgiveness and Love its very odd place to be.But there it is.I expect more Love and acceptance to replace the anger.

Love

MoonLight

[axa]

thank you for your words of wisdom.  Yes I do think I have been my own worst enemy.  I sabotage my life by getting into dysfunctional relationships and I sabotage my spirit, which is joyful and light.  I danced today to very loud music and it changed my energy from being very flat to joyful.  I need to remember these things.  I also bashed coriandor seeds with a hammer which felt pretty good. 

I know where my anger comes from and have moved on from blaming my parents but I realise now I have not released it and that I need to do.  For me to be focusing on MY dysfunction rather than Ns is real progress and I am glad to be at this place.  I have no interest in blaming him anymore because I need to heal myself..........he is not the source of MY problem.  He is just a sympthom....another one.

Reading the posts here has alerted me to my need to blame and side step my issues.  I feel more focused on these now and hope that healing and movement will follow.

I was a little scared of the flatness I felt but also realise that it will pass.

Thank you all for your support and wisdom.

axa xxx

[Stormchild]

Axa, this sounds good, you sound really solid and grounded, I'm extremely happy for you and worried sick that it sounds patronizing for me to say so... but the heck with that. You sound really solid and grounded. It's admirable! I'm admiring it. Go go go go go go go! 

[axa]

Hi Storm,

Loosing ground a bit today.  Woke up raging at n again but back focused on my anger. I keep rerunning the tapes of he did this, that and the other.  It is such a waste of energy...mine.  I am shifting again into focusing on my needs/issues.

I am such a caretaker that it really annoys me, often to my own detremint.  everywhere else in my life I am able to function in an adult assertive way but show me an N and I become the mother who puts up with everything.  Interesting enough, I have clear boundaries with my kids and am able to mother them in a nurturing and respectful way.  Ns press all the old buttons for me.  I go into pleading explaining mode which is so pathetic............more and more awareness.

axa

[Stormchild]

I think I might well be the prototype pleading caretaking explainer, axa, so I understand that one really well.

Do you have any of Melanie Beattie's books? She describes recovery as something like stairsteps, a spiral staircase, you may be on a landing for awhile then you move up; you may feel that you fall back but actually you're just above the same point on the spiral and then you move up again. It's not a continual climb... we're not made that way...

I'm really glad you're here. PS - do you do lucid dreaming? Waking up angry might mean you're processing things in your sleep and woke up right after a dream. It's valuable information.

On edit: I discovered this poem when I was about 13. It has kept me going through some of the hardest times in my life. I hope it gives you some of the same encouragement.

Mother to Son
                    by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor—
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now—
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

[axa]

Got all the books, have read them all but processing is happening at a different level now.  You know what, I want to be happy.  I am sick of listening to myself complaining about all the terrible things that have happened to me.  Even though I ended up with an N again I have made significant progress in my lfevel of awareness.

lotsof hugs

axa

[pennyplant]

Stormy,

The Langston Hughes poem is excellent.  I'se still goin', I'se still climbin'--that's what we're doing here on this board.  It's good to have company.

Axa,

I guess you ended up with an N again because you still had to figure out the answers.  I think that's why I'm at where I'm at these days.  At any rate, I'm finding out things like crazy.  So, I guess I'm in the right place.  Even though I wish it were easier and felt better (because sometimes I just feel despair) I would rather just really know the answers, the truth.  I don't see how I can live a good, right life if I keep hiding from the truth and the hard parts.  I've sometimes just run away and tried to escape.  Or I've thrown myself into the fire and put up such a fight that I still didn't see what was real and what I should do about it.  Anger can be a distraction too.

I want to be happy too.  Just don't know quite how yet.  Progress, though, and understanding, must be part of it.  For me it has to be.  I can't be happy while I'm fooling myself and not understanding it right down to the last molecule.

Pennyplant

[Stormchild]

((((((((((((((((((((all y'all))))))))))))))))))))

[mum]

Hi, Axa. Being in the middle of that realization of how much anger drives us is tough.....but essential. Pain and negative emotions of any kind are there to get us to notice something. If we don't take notice we are doomed to chronic conditions of anger and negativity....like so many N's we know.

You want something different for your life. Although your anger is totally justified and understandable (we all feel it or have felt it!!), all you really need to know is that you INTEND to let this go and  be happy and not to stay stuck in it.
Now HOW it happens is where faith comes in. Set your intention....and let the universe do it's thing....the unconditional love thing. TRUST that you are loved, and loveable, and that good things will come your way. You don't want to be a vessel of anger...you will only rot yourself, as you well know. So don't worry if the anger isn't gone yet....geez, you got screwed by an N!
That's some pretty potent poison to get out of your system. I think we all know that here.

But INTENTION is where everything starts. So relax, you made a decision to be happy......now let that intention go out into the great LOVE and just wait for the wonderful fallout. Kinda fun taking back your birhtright of happiness isn't it???

[moonlight52]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((mum)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[axa]

Hi Mum

I do agree with you about intention..........I am working on focusing on the good, I have many good people in my life who care about me.  I need to shift my energy to those people and myself.  I keep forgetting myself.  Sometimes I try and stand outside my life and think if it was someone else how would i feel.  I know the answer is that I would admire me for the difficulties I have over come..the challenges I have taken on and the genuine sense of care I have for others.  Need to self affirm badly.

I know stillness is a big part of my answer but run from it.  Will keep reminding myself of the need for stillness and COMPASSION.

Thanks all,

axa

[mum]

Axa, you are doing so well. Remember compassion only comes when we first give it to ourselves.  (((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))