'Higly Sensitive Person', intimacy and rejection

[WRITE]

for a while it felt like I'd thrown a lot of emotional balls (!) in the air and was trying to juggle sense out of them, but things are calming down and each tool is making it's own personal sense more.

I have continued to do my 'thankfullness daily journal' with Simple Abundance, but more and more little notes and drawings were creeping in there about the days problems, so I have decided to write what seems most expressive about my day.

Someone suggested to me a few days ago that I need a new tool for coping with things which sound pretty normal and not about bipolar or Npd.
I looked through a few books, and "The Highly Sensitive Person 'how to thrive when the world overwhelms you'" by Elaine Aron jumped out at me.

For one thing, it is putting the negative views of my society into another more positive context. The subtext of my life!

But, though the whole thing is too new to me to write about as any kind of theory- nor do I believe it is a coherent theory as yet- there is so much in this book about people who have overwhelming emotions and sensitivity. It is full of information and ideas- abundance indeed.

Elaine Aron describes 'overarousal' and has some interesting ideas on why people who are prone to it go for unrequited or  impossible love affairs:

Overwhelming imposible love...Carl Jung held that the habitually introverted turn their energy inward to protect their treasured inner life from being overwhelmed by the outer world.....pent-up energy often lands on one person ( or place or thing ) which becomes all-important.....it really has less to do with the other [sic] and more to do with how long you have delayed reaching out.

This jumped off the page and slapped my face, for not only have I had big 'romances' with people who were classically 'emotionally unavailable' ( and in some cases even practically unavailable, such as my alcoholic friend, my married friend....hey what's wrong with me: I never fell for a gay friend?! Why have I never tried to engage a Priest.....)

No matter how introverted you are a social being. You cannot escape your need and spontaneous desire to connect with others even if your conflicting urge to protect yourself is very strong.

This also ties in perfectly with my bipolar 1- I will avoid relationships, then my mood becomes manic and I can't get enough relationship drama.

Look back at your own story of falling in love or friendship. Did it follow a long period of isolation?

In my case isolation ( depression? ) then a slide outwrds into manic.....

The failure to be loved back can be the very cause of the intensity. If a real relationship could develop, the absurd idealisation would cool as on came to know the beloved better......But the intensity can also stop the relationship....demanding and unrealistic.

Human and Divine Love....Another way to fall in love hard is to project one's spiritual yearnings ont another person. Again mistakign your human beloved...woudl be corrected if you could live with that person for a while. But when we cannot, the projection can be surprisingly persistent.

Overwhelming love and insecure attachment....relationships to everyone and everything are greatly affected by the nature of their childhood atachments to their first caretakers. Since only about 50 to 60 percent of the population enjoyed a secure attachment.....responces to relationships are powerful because there is so much unfinished business in that department.

Powerful and obvious. I'll write some more later.

[WRITE]

ps sorry about all the typos, typing at thought speed not wpm....

[reallyME]

WRITE,

I didn't notice very many typos at all and I thought your post was wonderful and very informative.  Thank you for sharing that information and your insights with us.

~Laura

[Certain Hope]

Write, Thank you so much for posting this. I'm looking forward to reading more when you're ready to share...

This part really got to me, too:  Carl Jung held that the habitually introverted turn their energy inward to protect their treasured inner life from being overwhelmed by the outer world.....pent-up energy often lands on one person ( or place or thing ) which becomes all-important.....it really has less to do with the other [sic] and more to do with how long you have delayed reaching out.

When that treasured inner life gets splayed out on the table and dissected by those who have no empathy...   never mind.

I'm very interested to learn more about the unfinished business that we may be trying to complete in current relationships.

Hope

[WRITE]

these were three that affected me, for I was pretty 'abandoned emotionally' as a child and did not attach to anyone until I was old enough to go out and visit my grandmother and an aunt and church.

And spiritually I was angry and bitter for many years, then of course the first church I go to in years turns out to be toxic!

And my inner world is precious to me, I have always had the best time in my imagination, creating and thinking. I get really disturbed if I don't get lots of solitary calm time.

Just with those three I know I am acting out unfinished business whenever I get emotionally 'overaroused' and because of my illness and being married to my ex there has been more 'drama' than I can handle 'inside' so often.

REJECTION has been a big thing for me, replaying the early ones I suspect, seeing if I can bring about a different outcome?

When my mother died one of the things I remember thinking was 'I can never bring a resolution now- we can never be reconciled' even though I knew in reality it wasn't going to happen.

You saw how I was hurt by my doctor friend firming up the boundaries last week- 'I want to be your friend, not your doctor'.
That is a powerful strong message of affirming friendship, yet I homed straight in on the slight rejection.

When my new friend smiled at me and said 'we just have to see what happens' I felt no rejection in that, we'd spent all evening together, hours and hours, and I also felt really happy to be with someone who doesn't want to jump right into bed or a relationship without getting to know each other.

~W

[Certain Hope]

Write, the only expressions of emotion I can recall from childhood must have occurred during my mother's season of menopause.. there was nothing positive about it, that's for sure. She would often disappear into the bathroom around mealtime and the tension in our home would close in on me like steel bands around my chest. I dreaded suppertime.

Spiritually, my mother represented God in my mind's eye, so when I'd think of Him, I'd see her pursed lips and disapproving, disappointed look. I can remember lying in my bed as a little girl and counting. When I reached the end ( the # I'd count to going higher, depending on how "bad" I had been) then I'd be "perfect". Like a "do-over". Over and over and over. Finally I gave up.

The church (and its associated school) in which I was raised should have been listed in the Top 10 of Toxicity. We girls were told that we were responsible for putting lust into the hearts of the boys if we didn't dress appropriately. We were taught to completely isolate and insulate ourselves from the wicked world and to never ever question authority. Women were not allowed to wear pants and absolutely prohibited from taking on any role in leadership and if a man came to the church door without a tie, he had to put on one that they kept for a spare or else leave. Unreal.

OK, I'm making myself nauseous. I'm thankful to God that He gave me the ability to have a rich inner world where people weren't hypocrites and they genuinely cared about each other.

Glad you have a new friend, Write    My husband smiles alot too, and that alone is a blessing.

Hope

[Hopalong]

Hope,
Thank you for sharing that picture of your childhood.
(I have so many bells ringing I sound like Notre Dame.)

I appreciate your sharing this...and it's amazing to me
you came out of it as you have. Good for you!

Hops