Big move

[Magnolia]

Hi, I am new to this board. My parents are narcissistic. My siblings are in a certain amount of denial and have their own very abusive ways.  Even though I have been attempting to deal with my family issues my whole adult life, I only found out about NPD in the last 4 years. After speaking to my uncles, I understand that my father's parents were basically alcoholics.  Everyone always downplayed it by saying that they were 'drinkers'.

After reading Dr. Grossman's articles, I understand that, yes indeed, my main issue it that they have never 'heard' me and they still do not.

I have suffered with a major health condition my whole adult life and my parents have never helped me with this or taken any interest what so ever, which is amazing to me. They are highly self-involved and emotionally abusive.  If you need anything from them, that is when it gets really bad.

My siblings get along with them basically because my sister caters to them and my brothers just keeps a safe, but delusional distance. My siblings think I am difficult because I do not play along with the family myths. I was chosen to be the family scapegoat.  My brother got alot more support in life, while I basically got any crumbs that were left over.

It was a horrible way to grow up.  I recently told them that I was not a part of the family any longer due to many horrible things that happened with them over the last 3-4 years.  It is not a great position for me to be in. I am 40 and have never married due to my illness.  There is both pain and relief in fully distancing myself form them.

Even though I tried to heal myself early in my adult life, I can see now that I did not get the best answers.  My pattern has been just as Dr G. writes about.  I have been attracted to Ns and always end up getting so hurt and disappointed.  It is a most devastating legacy to be handed to say the least.

I am embarking on a new healing program for my body which is working, but I am finding that I am so depressed from my history and such, that I am having a hard time pulling myself out of it.

Something happened lately with a N person that I invested a lot in and again, like Dr. G talks about, it has made all the older bad memories resurface.

I really want to move out of this for good.  Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Magnolia

[cat]

Magnolia - good for you - find this board and by the way you write - showing that you definitely have a voice!

As someone, who sometimes seems like a N magnet, the advice I have is to take it one day at a time.  Each time you break away - or pull away from a N person (even if it's hours or days) can be a big step.

I know there are many others on this board who will have good advice for you so I'll leave them to it!

Now that you've found your voice on this board - keep on posting.

[moonlight52]

Welcome to you Magnolia ,

I am so sorry you were not heard by your family.That is something we all understand.

It can take years to find your strength.
Sounds like you are doing a very fine job of understanding patterns.

Healing one's heart is not easy but a worthy pursuit.
I do hope your health will improve as you distance yourself from painful relationships.

Just be good to yourself .

MoonLight
           

[ANewSheriff]

Magnolia,

First of all, welcome.  It is good that you have sought out to educate yourself and get some support.  I am glad you are here.

I do not play along with the family myths. I was chosen to be the family scapegoat.

Not allowing yourself to be sucked into the dysfunction and play games is a healthy and courageous act, yet we often pay a very heavy price for this.  You are scapegoated because your family resents that  you will not play along.  They will scapegoat you regardless, just be cautious that you do not begin to buy into the lie, yourself.  It doesn't sound like you are doing so

I have been attracted to Ns and always end up getting so hurt and disappointed.

This is the curse.  We only know what we know.  We hold these internal core beliefs about ourselves and go out into the world and find people who will confirm those beliefs.  The trouble is that many of those beliefs are shams.  I have done this, too.  The good news in identifying these things is that we now have the choice (and power) to change them.  Still, acquring all the tools requires some work.

I am embarking on a new healing program for my body which is working, but I am finding that I am so depressed from my history and such, that I am having a hard time pulling myself out of it.

This is not surprising seeing what you have been through, Magnolia.  Patience, my friend.  Patience and a mind set to get into this stuff up to your elbows and get dirty with it until you have exhausted these "demons" will take you far. 

cat:

Each time you break away - or pull away from a N person (even if it's hours or days) can be a big step.

This is excellent advice.  It is a process.  It takes time to learn new ways.

Moon:

Healing one's heart is not easy but a worthy pursuit.

 

Indeed, Moon.  It is --- the road less traveled...

ANS

[IamNewtoMe]

Hi Magnolia (what a lovely name!), and welcome to the board.

Not being heard by your family is a very painful thing, indeed.  But it sounds like you are really making great progress in sorting things out.   It is good to hear that you are finding ways to heal; I know it is such a struggle when depression seems so weighty. I don't know that I can give you any advice because I am so new to this discovery myself (I just found out about Narcissism a few months ago).  But there are many learned and wise people on this board who can help you.

At least maybe sharing a bit of my experience will let you know that you are not alone (there are lots of sympathetic ears here!):

Your story sounded familiar to me.  My family made me the scapegoat, too.  I have just come to the realization that my depression is actually anger turned in on myself. A good friend told me that we can bury the stuff that hurt us by ignoring it, but we bury it alive.  The hurt is still there, inside, alive and painful until it is acknowledged.  I envision a little terrified monster in my belly, scratching to get out.  This made a lot of sense to me, because I have lots of buried anger and sadness, which just eat me up inside until i literally become ill.   

Right now I am working on naming all the emotions that I have welling up inside me (but was never allowed to express as a child), like anger, hurt, grief, sadness, anxiety.  Just doing this makes me feel better at any given moment. It is just one of many parts of the process, but that is where I am now.  I want to take all that negative energy i invested in my N mom over the years and turn it into good stuff for myself. 

I am glad you are here, and I hope you feel good about continuing to express yourself here.  We hear you.

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Magnolia 

As you share your experiences and thoughts here on this board, much of that old, stored pain will be dissipated, I think.
Recognizing how we, as individuals, have responded to the forces at work within our families of origin, and how we have carried those dynamics forward into other relationships, opens the door to an entirely new realm of choices re: who we want to be and how we choose to relate NOW. I am so thankful that none of us is locked into the past!

I believe that a stage of grieving is a necessary step in this process; but only as a step, and not a rut. Personally, I was nearly lost in the "what could have beens", until I learned to forgive. I think of forgiveness as a choice...  an act of will, not a feeling... and one of the most healing choices any of us can make along the path to wholeness. To forgive is not to say that what happened was acceptable, but rather it is to release our right to vengeance on those who have harmed us. It is to acknowledge the law of reaping and sowing and refuse to sow any longer in tainted fields. Forgiveness frees us to love genuinely, not with an eye toward redeeming past broken relationships, but simply letting them go so that we are available for the positive, healthy interactions which come our way. In my own life, I didn't being to find wholeness until I met the heavenly Father who knows all of my own failings, yet loves me in spite of myself. He has put the feet of my heart onto solid ground and restored my desire to live, and to live well, not in order to earn His love, but because I want to reflect through my life the greatest love I've ever found. My prayer for you and for all those who seek health and wholeness is the discovery of this very real and personal relationship with the One who designed us, who gave Himself for us, who weeps when His children are full of sorrow, and who rejoices with us when we overcome.
Hope

[mountainspring]

Hi Magnolia,

Welcome to the board.  It sounds like we have a lot in common.  I believe my mother is NPD and I am also dealing with issues from my childhood.   

Are you seeing a therapist?   One of the things that has been very helpful to me is seeing a t.  She helps me to concentrate on the areas I need to focus on.  When my mother starts her games, I tend to focus the games, thinking what is she doing, why is she doing this etc etc.  My t helps me to accept that my mom will never change .  She helps to redirect my thoughts from what is happening to what I need to do to take care of myself.  Finding a good t was a good step for me.  Do you think a T would be helpful for you?

Other things that are helpful for me is journaling my thoughts and creating safe places in my mind when I feel overwhelmed by it all.   I’ve recently found out that eating right and taking my vitamins helps tremendously.  It also helps me to remember that healing is a process that takes time.  Each step helps to free me from my past.  I know that I am not there yet and have many issues to continue to work on, but if I view it as a path I am taking I tend to feel less frustrated.

I hope some of these things are helpful to you.  Remember when you are feeling down that others are walking the path too.  You aren’t alone.

MS

[Hops]

Hi Magnolia,
I'm so glad you found this board, welcome.
I can imagine how much pain you're in ... the first waves of awareness really are rough. And you've got a heavy trio, child of Ns, being an ACOA/s, and your physical challenges. No wonder your awakening to narcissism's affect on your life has triggered depression.

Here's a way to look at it: I think in a way, depression represents the response of an innately healthy psyche that wants to get healthier. Perhaps if we didn't grieve over the contrast between what we feel and what we know deep down in our inborn whole and healthy selves, that we WANT to feel...there would be no pain. But the pain is an impetus for growth.

Don't despair. And don't let your depression become a runaway carriage.

You asked for suggestions, and I do suggest finding a compassionate, wise therapist. You need an ally right now, a safe haven. And as hard as it may be to force yourself out of the house...do it anyway. Just make your body go, the rest of you will catch up. And begin to heal.

And you've got company.
Again, welcome!

Hopalong

[Magnolia]

Thanks so much for the replies and suggestions. I am feeling better already. I have been reading non-stop for the past several days about what I am facing.  Even though it is difficult divorcing my family, I feel I am preventing future problems and disappointments for myself and I do feel a some freedom from this.
I am looking for a theraapist, but as you may know, it is not always easy to find a good one!

Does anyone know anything about this lady? She looks like she would be good.

http://www.abandonment.net/mem.board.fr.html

Starting to Smile a Bit,
Magnolia

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya

You have received so many great replies and suggestions, that I don't think I have anything further to add so will just say hello & welcome.

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Hi Magnolia,
One of the best ways to find a good therapist is to just ask the women you know who seem to have come through some things...and with some strength and character. You don't even have to know them that well. Your intuition may guide you there...

I mean, I really wouldn't mind asking someone I didn't know terribly well if I had a very positive feeling about her...I'm considering doing some therapy, do you happen to know about anyone good?

They may or they may have a good friend who does. That's how I've found the best Ts.

Hopalong