What's Happened to the Community? -- response to nightsong

[reallyME]

Moonlight:  My father is an N.RM YOU KNEW MY DAD IS AN N.YOU KNEW IT LONG AGO. you were not confused when you made that post you knew my dad WAS an N and we spoke of it in PMS.

Boy! Did I get lost somehow in the shuffle here?  

Moonlight, I do not know what you are upset with me about.  I have always liked you, so what is it that I said that hurt you so?  I DO care about your feelings and you.

Yes, I knew your dad was an N.  Was there a reason you mentioned that?  Did I discredit that fact somehow?  What post are you talking about that I made.

I am not being sarcastic here with ya...I sincerely am not sure why you are at odds with me, and your post is so upset and jumbled that I could not make heads nor tails of most of it.

Moonlight, could you please make a post where you address me individually about what I did that upset you like this?

Thank you.

~Laura

[reallyME]

Moonlight: HI LAURA RELY #40 FORGET IT I LOVE YOU AND YOU KNOW IT I do not stay mad .so forget it .I just never had a sort of thing like this happen to me in real life or in cyber space.
moon

no no no, Moonlight.  I know you love you and I love you too, but I really want to understand where you felt I was not understanding you, so I can clarify and make it right. 

My husband often starts telling me his feelings and suddenly says "just forget it"...I do not want to just forget whatever it was that I did to upset you.  I want to understand it.

~Laura

[WRITE]

I'm absolutely fine Moon, thanks for worrying about me but honestly- I'm really well.
I am sorry you are upset, PM me if you like, I'll be back online tonight.

I've been thinking earlier about what people are always telling me about not trusting my ex. I am always being encouraged to engage him in conflict, people call it 'stick up for yourself'.

To become enlightened in Zen is apparently a complex simple thing: a person must simply remove their doubt that they are not enlightened. That's a pretty powerful life metaphor for me, letting go of uncertainty to attain certainty, but maybe not the certainty I thought!

Conflict is random, however much it seems reasoned and reasonable- there's no way of controlling the energy we unleash and everyone becomes unable to see reflections clearly as the waters become more agitated.

I hung a Crucifix in my home last week. Of course, it's now just my home and my son's, but I have never been able to hang one before when I lived with my ex because he hates religion and would be angry. I just couldn't hang it for many years until I was sure my intention in doing so wasn't partially to provoke that inevitable response in him.

I told my son about it yesterday, he asked me why I put it up now, and laughed out loud when I said 'it's not the purest of motives for displaying the Cross, it'll make your husband furious!'

Even if it seems entirely legitimate and someone else's problem, I know it harms me too, makes me part of something I don't need to be.

I may not be able to trust my ex and his motives or behaviour, but I want to be able to trust me and mine.

Take care everyone. It's a beautiful day, who's up for a walk?!

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Write)))))))) I'm so glad you're fine. What you said about hanging the cross just resonates with me so much... to know that your motivations are free and clear of any attempt to influence... or get a reaction of any kind from another person... to me, that is true liberty. Thank you for sharing that. And a walk sounds lovely.

Love,
Hope

[nightsong]

Dr Grossman -

Thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. I understand your point of view.

However, this thread has almost at once turned back into the stuff that I for one find so alienating, intimidating, cliquey and unhelpful. If those participating find it useful then that is fine. I don't, so I shall take myself elsewhere.

Good luck and good wishes to everyone here, may we all find peace in our own ways.

nightsong

 

[Overcomer]

Here, here, Nightsong!!  Amen!

[Sugarbear]

*sigh*

I agree with Nightsong and Kelly.

While I can appreciate the necessity to resolve conflicts with fellow posters, lately it has seemed as if the conflict itself - or drama for drama's sake (and not the topic that started it) - takes precident over helpful, healing discussions.

I think a HUGE point that everyone involved in these conflicts seems to keep forgetting is that anyone that has been touched by a dysfunctional relationship (Nism/abusive) is going to be sensitive - perhaps overly sensitive - to the meanings behind words. In an online environment, there is no "tone" or other cues that we rely on to interpret the meanings of what is being said. I know I do this - and I'm sure I'm not the only one. This means, especially for this community, that you NEVER post something hurtful or mean - or continue fights that have no purpose...the term "beating a dead horse" springs to mind. Well, there have been whole herds of dead horses stinking up the place! Not a nice visual, is it?

This doesn't excuse the "stir the pot" type of poster, but they are a type of poster that is present in EVERY online community. It shouldn't be too hard to recognize and ignore that type, however.

This is why I don't comment unless I have something constructive or something I need help with - which means I haven't posted anything in a good while. Lately it feels to me that this board is not as safe and comforting as it used to be.

Being voiceless is one thing, but having others yelling so loudly that the drown out the ones that are just finding their voice is sad.

I don't see me getting what I needed from this board anymore. I also can't see that anything I have to contribute is necessarily going to be heard or is even worth the effort to type it...

[penelope]

hey moon it's OK.  No apology necessary.  But, I'll accept yours anyway.  Also I am sorry.......... if I caused you any grief.  I will try harder next time not to, k?

pb

[portia guest]

Glad you sound okay ((((((((Moon))))))

please don't worry, the whole 'board' isn't watching. Honestly. Everyone is more concerned with what happens to them, than what happens with you. Human nature, brain-wiring, it's how we are. Please be comforted - nobody takes as much notice of you as you might think they do. We're ALL too busy worrying about -

what if nobody likes me?
what if they think I'm an N?
what if they think I'm a bad person?
what if they think I'm wrong?

etc etc etc...

truth is, we're all here and we are all human, even if I go off on one occasionally and say we're not, but really, we are. I guess some are more children than adults (my parents for example) but human nevertheless. Sweet dreams Moon.

[reallyME]

Moonlight, guess what...I do not expect you to be perfect and never make mistakes.  I like you just as you are.

Laura

[WRITE]

there are times I get all tangled up in conflict anyway without knowing how or why it happened you know what I mean?

absolutely, none of us have to be perfect Moon, and you're the first person to proffer the olive branch or support someone who's having a bad time, if you have a bad day everyone can see that's all it is.

I have to have a hernia operation soon, a small umbilical thing getting worse, might as well get it done whilst I still have really good health insurance ( are there any threads or good info sources about divorce and the practicalities? )

My ex was in full N mode tonight, sometimes it's harder when he's happy ( sorry to be mean  ) I find him insufferable then, he's just oblivious and pretty obnoxious. I cut short his rant against G_d and took myself off to watch a movie...the long new Pirates of Caribbean.

Take care everyone, time for a dog walk and some sleep.

[Certain Hope]

Hi,

  I think that alot of what happens here in this forum can be explained by the "contagion theory" of crowd psychology, which states in part: 
   Shielded by the anonymity of a crowd, people abandon personal responsibility and surrender to the contagious emotions of the crowd. A crowd thus assumes a life of its own, stirring up emotions and driving people toward irrational, perhaps violent, action.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crowd_psychology

[reallyME]

CH:

  I think that alot of what happens here in this forum can be explained by the "contagion theory" of crowd psychology, which states in part: 
   Shielded by the anonymity of a crowd, people abandon personal responsibility and surrender to the contagious emotions of the crowd. A crowd thus assumes a life of its own, stirring up emotions and driving people toward irrational, perhaps violent, action.

I do not consider myself to be part of the "alot of what happens here"

I have never been one to go along with the crowd.  I do not abandon personal responsibility nor do I take on emotions of a crowd.  I have a mind and heart of my own.

[Certain Hope]

I can see that about you, Laura. It's clear to me.

I am not so easily unaffected by the tone of those with whom I associate. If someone is feeling down or (especially) expressing disapproval, I tend to not only pick up those emotions, but incorporate them into myself. Working on that. However, I don't want to work that out of my system so thoroughly that I become oblivious to the needs of those around me.

Love,
Hope

[DreamSinger]

Dear Sugarbear, Nightsong and Kelly,

I'm new here and don't know anyone well, or at all, really, but I did want to respond to this quote by Sugarbear

*sigh*

I don't see me getting what I needed from this board anymore. I also can't see that anything I have to contribute is necessarily going to be heard or is even worth the effort to type it...

I hear you. I certainly respect if you are not getting what you need from this board anymore, as only you can assess what is working for you or not. But I'm not so sure that what you contribute won't be heard.  If it doesn't feel like it's not worth the effort to type, then that's one thing, and you have to honor that as real for you. However, one of the things I have learned over the years, either moderating a message board or two, or participating, off and on, in different forums, is that you never know who you will hear you, just who you will touch or what kind of an impact you will have.

No words spoken or printed are ever wasted...they're just picked up, sometimes, in places we would never expect and most times never find out.

If you are looking for more of an immediate response, and are desiring a kind of energy that you feel is lacking here, then I understand your choice to go. Whether you stay or leave, I know that this community I am stepping into has been impacted by your presence in some way, and I thank you for that.

Demian,
  ~DreamSinger