How to heal NPD

[Matthias43]

Hey bunny,

You still haven't backed up your words. And I'm keeping it nice this time because we wouldn't want poor Dr. Grossman to have a real argument on his site. I'd just really like to hear it, rabbit, that's all. And could you also tell us what your issue with personality disorders is? Do you have a disorder, or do you know someone who does?

And also, bunny, I have a couple of things you might want to read and then get back to me about. First, "Humanizing the Narcissistic Style" by Stephen Johnson. And then, check out www.suite101.com and read about A.J. Mahari's borderline personality disorder site. THEN talk to me. It's Mlashtok@yahoo.com if you want to have a real argument.

And Portia, I think you need a little more experience and a little less booksmarts. I'd really like to see how Hotchkiss or whoever it was can back up that assertion about shame, since shame is a conceptual emotion in the first place. Maybe you should read some Shakespeare, and live up to your namesake from the Merchant of Venice

Alright ppls I'm out. Take care,

Matt

p.s. And don't you dare change this, Grossman. OR I'LL... OR I'LL.... no, I'm just playing. Later

[Portia]

Very tempting! But not worth it. Goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Matthias,

I don't take reading assignments from people. Goodbye if you've left in a huff.

bunny

[Anonymous]

You still haven't

poor Dr. Grossman

a real argument

I'd just really like to hear it, rabbit

I think you need

Thank you, Matthias, for the instructional post and concern for everyone's spiritual growth.  This is a great refresher course in the kind of mature discourse we can expect from an N when challenged even only a little bit.  The words are fine, but the tone and intention clearly are not.

For anyone who ventures into our community in denial of the effects of verbal abuse, we can refer them to this illuminating thread.  Peace.

[rosencrantz]

I'm responding to posts a while back and I started writing this without having seen the last few posts.

Portia - I guess you saw the documentary on feral children.

If you've got the stomach to read Dave Pelzer's books, you will discover someone who has overcome the worst of abuse.  A story of hope - ultimately.

...a child brutally beaten and starved by his emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother: a mother who played tortuous, unpredictable games. Dave had to learn how to play his mother's games in order to survive...

When he was allowed the luxury of food it was scraps from the dogs' bowl. The outside world knew nothing of the nightmare played out behind closed doors. But throughout Dave kept alive dreams of finding a family to love him, care for him, call him their son.

It took many years of struggle, deprivation and despair to find his dream and then to make something of himself in the world.

What matters is the motivation - and I guess that comes from personality, too.

So what makes one person unhealthily narcissistic but another, with the same experience, a success???

Being so quick to hit out and try to be hurtful towards others, Matthias, does not help your cause.  It demonstrates that you are quick to feel slighted, that you react rather than think and then act, that you need to put others down in order to regain stature.  It does not demonstrate willingness to learn, a desire to communicate and to grow.  It simply reinforces perceptions about narcissism.  

'Healing' does seem a strange word to use for recovery from a personality disorder - I can understand better the idea of healing the original wounds that led to the personality disorder.  To recover would need great courage and the ability to stand having one's world turned upside down, inside out and back to front when the ego is really just too fragile.

Yes, I see the humanity in the Ns of this world.  But do they see the humanity in me?!

One can see the humanity but not wish to risk being damaged by the  inhumanity.
R

[Discounted Girl]

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
-- Frank Outlaw

[Matthias43]

Ok, I take your point, it wasn't very mature of me to argue in the way that I did. I do often write stuff without thinking of the impact it has on others... something I need to work on, my short fuse. You have my apologies if it hurt you in any real way.

But you might consider that I'm just a teenage kid in high school... not your spiritual guardian. And when it comes to narcissism, it really hurts when people like bunny says that healing is impossible. And I also wonder how you can give me an instant diagnosis, having never met me. Don't get ME started with the moralizing now....

Well, cya later,

Matthias

[Anonymous]

Matthias,

First, thanks for acknowledging your impulsive way of speaking that was mean to others. Second, we have no way of knowing you were a teenager unless I missed it in your first post. Third, I didn't think you had a personality disorder. I thought you were talking about other people who were narcissists. Fourth, it is highly unlikely that you have a personality disorder. That is an extremely serious mental problem - a psychiatric disorder. You are highly unlikely to fit into that category. A personality disorder can't be healed /cured but some people can get "better" to a small degree with intensive help lasting years. Few people with personality disorders have any motivation to change. That is part of the personality disorder. Fifth, I have already read Humanizing the Narcissistic Style and it did not convince me in the least that the personality disorder can be healed. If you think you have a problem with narcissism, you can absolutely be helped as you are still a teenager and I seriously doubt you have any personality disorder.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Matthias

I, for one, am confused by your last post.  First, you invite everyone to a site about healing narcissism and have not explained why people here would be interested.  Nor have you revealed why you are here, there, or anywhere.  What are you struggling with, why are you seeking support?  Why does it hurt when someone says NPD cannot be healed?  (I'm not saying it shouldn't hurt, just pointing out that you haven't explained your presence here in a way that we understand or can easily accept).

It is logical to assume from your invitation to the N website, combined with your style of communication that you are at least flirting with symptoms of narcissism.  Some of this can be explained by your age, I suppose.  However, you seem well read enough and aware enough to know what a serious topic you are "playing" with.  Offering up the fact, now, that you are a teenager is, to me, just a maneuver to avoid taking responsibility for this communication.  It just won't wash here.  

The point of this community, IMHO, is to seek growth and offer support to others.  People here will offer up their stories and are ready, indeed looking for, feedback and advice.  This is a source of growth.  If you are uncomfortable with feedback you didn't expect, you might want to ask yourself why you feel that way.  

If you are truly seeking support, not just attention, we would encourage you to do so and share freely.  You might want to take into account who your audience is, survivors of narcissistic behavior.  All of us reserve the right to feel uncomfortable with anyone's post and say so, in a way that is least harmful to others.  

Best wishes on your journey...

[Matthias43]

Hey,

Thank you for your insight, and I mean that too. I do have some symptoms of narcissism, probably 3 or 4 of the 9 categories listed in the DSM. They may lessen as I grow up, we'll see. And my family is very difficult, especially my father who's very narcisistic, although he's never been diagnosed. So I can relate to many of you.

I actually thought this site was for both narcissistic people and non-narcissistic ones... sorry, guess it was my mistake. As for coming to the HealNPD site (which is for both narcissists and non-narcissists/relations) I never said that you had to be interested, it was just an invitation to have a look, since our site is still quite small at the moment.

Hope that explained some things.

take care,

Matthias

[Anonymous]

Matthias

I don't have any research, only anecdotal sources, to back this up. But the closer to your original narcissistic injury you get help & start healing the better prognosis.

Narcissistic traits too are problematic, even for people without the personality disorder, so you are right to pay attention and to learn to adapt.

Good luck.
I'm sure you will be welcome here so long as you respect others' perspective.

[lifeiscool]

Its revealing and frankly scary as all heck to me that anyone would ask why a group of people who claim to be "victims" of Narcissists would not understand why another person would suggest this group learn about the fact that NPD can and most definitely be healed. I speak as someone who has been diiagnosed with NPD and just recently told that I no longer meet this criteria.  Its likely that at one time I qualified on 9 out of the 9 criteria. Interestingly enough my therapist was once diagnosed with NPD and has long since been on a road of recovery. Empathy is a powerful thing. I was chatting about this topic with someone who works in what most would call alternative or holistic healing. He says that NPD and many other disorders are not "supposed" to be healed, but he sees it all the time. If you are looking for healing you can find it. If you are looking for reasons to remain stuck and bitter you can find that as well.

[Anonymous]

I speak as someone who has been diiagnosed with NPD and just recently told that I no longer meet this criteria.  Its likely that at one time I qualified on 9 out of the 9 criteria. Interestingly enough my therapist was once diagnosed with NPD and has long since been on a road of recovery.

It strains my credulity that two Ns (one in therapy with the other) are now healed of narcissism. Your therapist is on the "road of recovery" from a personality disorder. Is he the one who told you that you no longer meet the criteria?

bunny

[Matthias43]

Bunny,

Do you have some investment in wanting to believe that N's CANT possibly be helped? Because it certainly sounds that way...

Matthias

[Anonymous]

I'm now friends with my husbands psychologist. This psychologist is no lightweight. He is a Professor and Head of the Psychology Dept at a huge teaching hospital. He unequivocally told me that people with NPD once professionally diagnosed can be treated successfully, if they wanted help. Not with medication, but with psychoanalytical therapies. He is working with my N Husband. I am seeing some improvement. But then my husband is sick even of himself, has faced a few possible total-loss situations and is now very willing, where as he wasn't 2 years ago.


Good luck

Guest