Divorce

[WRITE]

ok friends, will you give me some resources and thoughts and experiences about divorce.

I've been a bit freaked-out all week as we finalise arrangements and set a timetable.

Tonight we went for dinner my ex and I and it was really good we were both quite excited at the future, if a little regretful; but that is such a big thing for us, to be on the same page ( yes, I know tomorrow he'll probably call in a really cross mood or say something that'll totally throw me! )

I guess I've been so relieved at getting to a point of separateness I forgot it will also be a painful thing, I feel somewhat grief-stricken whenever I get time to myself and I've taken to napping like I always do when I am sad.

 

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((((((Write))))))))))))

Honey I can’t relate to what you must be going through right now, having never been through a divorce myself (parents divorce & a relationship breakdown so I can relate a little I hope).

I think that grief is an inevitable part of splitting up/divorce, grief because at the beginning you thought it was forever, grief for the good parts of your relationship, grief that it didn’t work out as you had hoped.  And on the other side, from your post you feel relief, which I think is a good thing, relief, to me, means you’re doing the right thing by you.  But this is another thing where I think baby steps works, two steps forward, one step back… some days good, some days not so good, but over time the good days outweigh the bad.  Over time, and I’m speculating here, sorry Write, but I think the divorce probably won’t be the first thing you think about when you wake up, the last thing on your mind when you go to bed at night.

((((((((((((((((Write))))))))))))))))

Love H&H xx

[DreamSinger]

Dear Write, well, having gone through two divorces (I'll make up for Hope not having gone through ), I can tell you it does get better. I experienced the second divorce somewhat differently than the first, but that was because it was under different circumstances. And I'd have to say that by the time the divorce was official, I was so drained and so wiped out emotionally, I felt neither depression or elation. I think there was so much trauma in my heart, that I already felt divorced during the time of separation. The final disintegration happened during the last year of my sister's four year battle with cancer. I spent most of that time with her, on my own emotionally, physically, and when she died and there was no doubt that I was on my own and had been for a long time. I don't think my divorce had any real impact on me until I got my official notice of my name change, going back to my Chinese surname, and then I felt empowered, and knew I was free from this on again/off again roller coaster ride that I had been on for over 12 plus years at that time. It can still be a ride, but it's different when you're different.

Somewhere along the line though, different times for both marriages, there was a grieving for "all that could have been". It's the death of a fantasy, of what we thought we had, of what I hoped we'd be, of the pretty little picture I held in my head and cherished in my heart, that never really was.

And I think this grieving comes hardest, especially when they're nice to you. Somewhere inside you think, "Why can't it be like this? If we can get along for this moment, why not always, or at least when it really matters?"

But you know, dear heart? You can't be on the same page, when you're not reading the same book...no matter what it looks like.

Sending you warm thoughts and hugs.

It will get better.


Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

[Brigid]

Write,
Like Demian, I have been through divorce twice.  The first time, by comparison, was easy.  The marriage had really been over for years (it only lasted 7 years) before the decree made it final, but I was finishing school and other things which dragged out the timing.  When it was finally finished, it was only a relief.

The second time, obviously from all that I have shared on this site, was much more traumatic and devastating--especially after 22 years and 2 children.  The marriage lacked a lot, but the family unit was happy and that was enough for me for many years.  When I could finally get over the initial shock of his leaving and start to grieve, it was not for the loss of the marriage, but for the loss of our intact family that I grieved.  I had always felt somewhat sorry for children raised in broken homes, and now my children were going to be part of those statistics.  But I was not given any options by my ex at the time, and for that I can now be grateful.

For now, my children are fine and happy and finding their own way in the world.  I think they are relieved to see their mom in a good place with someone who loves her, after how they saw me 3 years ago when their dad left.  I'm sure my daughter feels much better about leaving for college in 2 weeks, knowing that I have a life of my own and won't be spending every waking moment crying in her bedroom.

What I felt was the end of my life 3 years ago, was really the beginning of a new, much better and fulfilled life, but it took time to realize and embrace that.  You now have the opportunity to recreate your life the way you want to.  I think you are seeing that and beginning to feel it, but you're right--you will need some time to process all the feelings, evaluate where you are and what you want to become, then get comfortable with your new life before making any major changes.  This is a time of recovery and discovery.  Don't rush the process, but truly embrace it.  You will know when the time is right to pick up and move on. 

Brigid

[moonlight52]

Write ,

I have not been through divorce but I have experienced loss and separation and all the feelings that go along with that .

Putting all the dots and I's on paper is tedious and exhausting and emotionally draining I would be taking extra naps as well Write.

This to me is giving your mind and emotions time to rest and soak everything in.
It is a big step for all but a healing one and You and your soon too be ex seem to know that as you both are on the same page and are both looking forward to your future.

WRITE saying good bye is sad but maybe the only way to make room for the new happiness to come.

Love to you,

MoonLight

[DreamSinger]

Oops, H&H, I just realized I referred to you as "Hope".      Sorry!

Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

[Certain Hope]

Hi Write,

   My recommendation is to be sure to have an excellent attorney representing your interests and allow her/him to handle everything. That's a good way to ensure clarity and prevent miscommunications.

   As far as the grieving process, for me it was very much like a death. I think that the mourning is not something which can be hurried through. In my situation, entering into a new relationship too quickly only compounded the difficulty, so I would be very cautious to fully experience all sensations of loss before stepping forward.

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Write,
I'd like to echo both of Hope's recommendations.

Be kind to yourself, especially kind. This is the final farewell to a dream, the same dream that everyone has when they get married in hope that all those joyful things might come true.

But you have made a valuable, honest, and very REAL relationship out of your years with your H. I hope you respect yourself profoundly for the deep intention and honor you have brought to it, even now.

Write, you have written a heroic story. Moving on is all right.

love,
Hops

[penelope]

resources: this board   (((((((((((((((Write))))))))))))))))))

thoughts and experiences:  thoughts- re:

Tonight we went for dinner my ex and I and it was really good we were both quite excited at the future, if a little regretful; but that is such a big thing for us, to be on the same page ( yes, I know tomorrow he'll probably call in a really cross mood or say something that'll totally throw me! )

weird isn't it?  It's like - hey, how could this be happening?

experiences-
Truth is, I felt as happy the day I got divorced as the day I got married.  Don't know why... and can't explain it, but it's truly how I felt.

I guess I've been so relieved at getting to a point of separateness I forgot it will also be a painful thing, I feel somewhat grief-stricken whenever I get time to myself and I've taken to napping like I always do when I am sad.

I never felt grief striken, but you may write.  I hope you'll feel those feelings and accept them.  I did feel sad - sad for the lives I touched, but could no longer be a part of as I felt empty (my ex, his sister, his parents, his brother - we had grown pretty close.  I was closer to his family than my own N family).

((((((((((((((write))))))))))))))

I felt dead.  I was deadened and bitter for about a year after my divoce (not at my ex, just Life in general).  I could not have a real relationship in that time, and I purposely didn't try.  I was too mad at everything: the world.  But those feelings were there for a reason too...I think it took me a very long time to get to the point of being able to grieve the relationship.  In fact, I think I had a few relationships after that that I grieved (getting into and out of) before I ever grieved the loss of my ex.


pb

[gratitude28]

AAARRRGGGHHH!
I wrote you a nice long post and the computer ate it!!!!
At any rate... I was saying that you will have memories forever. Some will have feelings attached and others will be  (or become) neutral.
And, as for sleeping, as a former drinker, I sleep sometimes when I need to "shut down" a bit. I don't feel bad about it. It is a healthful way (at least beeter than my old way ) of letting your body relax and your mind mull over everything right now. Maybe later your can replace some fo the naps with a walk in a pretty park.
Take care.
Sending you lots of love,
Beth

[movinon]

Write,

I'm in the same place.  I've been going through it for nearly 2 years (left in Sept. 04, tried to "work on it" all of 05), but really started the process around January.  I STILL sleep a lot, find it hard to get motivated and could care less about diet or excercise.  I feel a lot of guilt b/c my kids don't have an active mother.

I agree with Hope - it's a process and takes as long as it takes.  UNLIKE death, I still have to deal with the psycho, but I have less and less energy around him and the things he does.

One of my favorite songs to play in these times has these lines in it:

I will be gentle with myself
I will love myself
I am a child of the universe
Being born each moment.

Movinon

[WRITE]

Thank you all.

I am grief-stricken, that's exactly how it feels. I've finally let go of something I've been a part of for 27 years. I can have my self back. My whole self.

Ex is ok, he doesn't feel emotions the same way, he is sentimental but nothing goes very deep for long except his underlying woundedness- and even that seems to be dissipating somewhat.

He was playing chess with my son when I left yesterday, they both looked very peaceful and happy.

Taking the time to work through this has definitely helped my boy adjust.

I'm walking the dog a lot, swimming every day, and really tired.

I don't have any energy for new love relationships right now, I just want to tuck myself away for a little while and let my feelings come and go.

Life is pretty amazing though, I went out to get flowers today and deliver them to a bereaved neighbour and a neighbour who is also having a divorce ( it's my favourite thing to do pick out flowers and I can look at them and smell them and feel the soft cool petals- florists are so often such lovely people too! )  When I got back there was a large bag of books and bath goodies etc on my doorstep with a card from another neighbour offering love and support.

I miss the neighbour who died, though I hardly knew him but he rode up and down with his grandbaby on the wheelchair and we'd stop and chat or wave.

I've had no urge to drink or do anything at all destructive, and no bipolar symptoms.

That's another interesting twist, it's looking like I have a thyroid problem, low this time so I'm taking a supplement, but wondering now if all those gynae and mental illness symptoms 2 years ago were bipolar ( and no wonder I didn't need all the drugs I was prescribed....)
My doctor is very kind, he told my ex next time he saw him in passing 'your wife is very beautiful'; I am feeling anything but right now, so it was nice to hear, plus sweet my ex related it to me with a big smile!

I've been reading then typing all of this fast and tears dripping, then the phone rang, one of my seniors, she's very sweet- 'I just wanted to see how you are'....

Life is amazing isn't it.

I will be gentle with myself
I will love myself
I am a child of the universe
Being born each moment.

Thanks Movinon, and good to hear from you; you will get motivated again, your kids will be fine, you need the rest
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You know I've never done this for years, had a healthy personal reaction to a loss; the last time was a late miscarriage about 8 years ago. No one knew what to say so they sent me flowers, those flowers were so beautiful. It reminded me earlier in the florist, smelling the big stargazer lillies. I guess it has been on my mind a little because a few weeks ago I came across 2 prints being sold off in Wal-mart of all places, 25 cents each. 2 happy little girl angels in rose gardens. They are my angel baby memorials and I smile every day when I see them. It's hard to remember miscarriages. I haven't told anyone else but my son what they mean.

He's downstairs ready for bed, I'll go chat with him and tuck him in. He's growing up but he likes a little attention and mothering at bed time!

Love
~Write

[gratitude28]

Write,
Here's a bouquet with my favorites... some lovely dark pink tulips, a few sprays of a purple and white orchid, some large yellow astors, white tube roses (they smell so nice!), some bluebonnets (you aren't allowed to pick them here!). Let's see, pink, white, purple, yellow... I like large colorful boquets (sp). Maybe add something orange...
You are doing great! I applaud you your courage... and it's obvious how far you've come in recovery. You don't need to hurt yourself to make it through a rough time.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

YOU deserve attention and mothering too.

Infinite flower rain, Write.

Hops

[moonlight52]

Write  And always the sweetest dreams

moon