Signs of Thaw

[Hopalong]

My D has sent me several emails lately.
Remember the painful one, where she discouraged me from calling her?

Anyway, a few days later I was at my desk and thought, heck wid it, and I wrote her a very long very funny one about a bat in our conference room, the accent of a Bulgarian professor, our dog's recent bath, and other stuff. Enjoyed writing it and didn't care if she replied. Headed it: Important news!

A few days later she sent me a long essay she'd once written when she was sitting for a 102-year-old family friend in the last week or two of her life. It was good, and I think it was my D's way of indirectly acknowledging that she noticed I'd told her I was dealing with death. Then she left me a voicemail at work to mention again that she'd sent it. (!!) I think it was a meaningful thing to share with me, and that she also sent it because I had told her I thought she'd made her point very well in a sort of argumentative email she'd sent me earlier. Because she did. I hadn't agreed but she expressed it well. I think sometimes she hasn't shared her writing because she's afraid of criticism, but I don't do that. So maybe that's what softened her some. Or maybe the funny one reminded her of how we used to share humour. Then today she forwarded me two pictures of herself that her boss (a veterinarian) had taken of her at her desk at work (a cat clinic).

Anyway, it's not exactly an adult conversation yet but the freeze has thawed, and I'm glad. I think we still have a long way to go before it's completely healthy, not enmeshed, etc.. But I have learned some detachment from this period of painful "silent treatment" and I'm going to stay away from going back to too much closeness.

My fears of total abandonment have eased. My other concerns about who she's decided to be, and her own N traits, are still there. But I am holding to the thought that she has her own growth to attend to, and her own healing to do, and I both can't and don't want to try to force it.

I'm really not interested in being treated anything but courteously and well, going forward.

Hops

[penelope]

hi hops,

That was pretty creative of you, and you knew to throw caution to the wind.   

smiling over here in my corner of the planet for you hops, and your lovely D.

pb

[Stormchild]

A shy startled dove
May rejoice to learn that she
Has fledged an eagle.

[pennyplant]

Oh, Hops, it had to feel so good to hear from her, and in depth too!!!!  She's got it in her.  Very, very good news and at such a sad time too.  I'm happy for you!

PP

[Hopalong]

  thanks much, all y'all.

it's a relief
not throwing caution entirely to the winds, but I'm glad I kept reaching out

one day at a time

Hops

[gratitude28]

Good going, hops! You sound like you are really on the right track.
Hugs,
Beth

[Sela]

This is lovely to hear Hops.  It sounds like a great pressure has lifted??  That's the best!  Way to go sending your D something that made you smile!  As you say, one day at a time.

It's great that she shared something of hers too.  She does care Hops.  She's just young and trying to make her own place in the world, I bet.  But she wants you in it.  Good for you for having faith and letting go a little.  Not easy stuff.   It was wonderful to read how you enjoyed writing and weren't worried about a reply. 

  Sela

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Sela.
She needs time and I'm newly able to give it.

This did matter, that she connected at this time.

 
Hops

[moonlight52]

HIYA HOPS AND SELA ,  Something is shaking loose.I can feel it too ..............all the way out here in the Wild West.

Some good vibes for you and your wonderful daughter Hops

And the lovely Sela posting I betcha Portia hopefully will be posting then I will see the gracious Sisters of Mercy that quieted my fears when that was all I could feel............................thx  

I mean Hi Sela glad to see ya !!!!!!!!!!!

MoonLight 

[Plucky]

This is great news Hops.  Yay!
As the Buddhists say. You just have to let go of the outcome, and tghe universe will deliver.  (This is paraphrased somewhat.)
I disagree that it is not an adult convo - having a good time and light banter is certainly adult.  So is skirting the issue if you want to....What did you have in mind as an adult conversation?
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Sure, my end was banter.
What I found non-adult was that she couldln't say, I am sorry for your loss.
I'm sorry about your friend.

Empathy.

It was great that she finally contacted me in any way at all. But it was still all about her.
(See my writing. See my picture.)

If I sound ungrateful, I am not. I thank god my child is still in touch.

I just think it would be wiser of me to keep some distance, emotionally.
Not to become completely vulnerable to her again.

I think this summer has changed us both and I do plan to continue to respect her space.
What has slowly dawned on me is that I need to keep boundaries up. I need to feel respect in return before I can be vulnerable and completely open again. And that's probably a good development, as we were enmeshed.

I will find out over time who she decides to become...

Hope that makes sense and doesn't sound unloving.
I love her as much as ever, but I am guarded.

I think I need to be.

Thanks for asking...

Hops

[moonlight52]

WISDOM                     THIS SUMMER THIS SUMMER OF WISDOM


so much love


so brave

so beautiful

so beloved

[Plucky]

Oh, I see now.  Thanks Hoppy for the explanation.
Well, if the relationship had a quality of enmeshment, then probably this development is best for both of you, no?   Maybe she instinctively felt this and chose the wrong way to make it happen.  Maybe you couldn't do it because as a mother you would feel cruel to withdraw in any way.    I don't think you sound the least bit unloving.  Letting go is one of the hardest parts of motherhood and I hope when my time comes I will not be dragged along the pavement clinging pitifully to my child's hem, and thankfully I have a few more years to try and achieve this detachment.....I'll try to start by not bawling when he goes to kindergarten  (waaah!).  At least until I get back home.  Or in the car.  Ok, out the door.

Plucky

[Hopalong]

((((Plucky))))

I know your little guy is a very very lucky-plucky little boy!

And thank you ((((((Moon)))))) for understanding.

love to you both,
Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

(((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))))

I am so delighted to read this... I'm really happy for you and for your D.

I am happy that you trusted your own judgement and rode with it! 

My other concerns about who she's decided to be, and her own N traits, are still there.
I guess this is what being a parent is about, being concerned?  But I admire how you are giving her the space to let her be who she's decided to be, yet being there for her as well.  You are an amazing, warm and kind hearted person Hops.  Your D is one very lucky chicken to have a Mum like you.

Take care

Love H&H xx