My D has sent me several emails lately.
Remember the painful one, where she discouraged me from calling her?
Anyway, a few days later I was at my desk and thought, heck wid it, and I wrote her a very long very funny one about a bat in our conference room, the accent of a Bulgarian professor, our dog's recent bath, and other stuff. Enjoyed writing it and didn't care if she replied. Headed it: Important news!
A few days later she sent me a long essay she'd once written when she was sitting for a 102-year-old family friend in the last week or two of her life. It was good, and I think it was my D's way of indirectly acknowledging that she noticed I'd told her I was dealing with death. Then she left me a voicemail at work to mention again that she'd sent it. (!!) I think it was a meaningful thing to share with me, and that she also sent it because I had told her I thought she'd made her point very well in a sort of argumentative email she'd sent me earlier. Because she did. I hadn't agreed but she expressed it well. I think sometimes she hasn't shared her writing because she's afraid of criticism, but I don't do that. So maybe that's what softened her some. Or maybe the funny one reminded her of how we used to share humour. Then today she forwarded me two pictures of herself that her boss (a veterinarian) had taken of her at her desk at work (a cat clinic).
Anyway, it's not exactly an adult conversation yet but the freeze has thawed, and I'm glad. I think we still have a long way to go before it's completely healthy, not enmeshed, etc.. But I have learned some detachment from this period of painful "silent treatment" and I'm going to stay away from going back to too much closeness.
My fears of total abandonment have eased. My other concerns about who she's decided to be, and her own N traits, are still there. But I am holding to the thought that she has her own growth to attend to, and her own healing to do, and I both can't and don't want to try to force it.
I'm really not interested in being treated anything but courteously and well, going forward.
Hops