Don't know what to say

[dragonsamm]

I guess the term "voicelessness" is more than appropriate for me.  Not only am I voiceless, but if I weren't, I wouldn't know what to say.
The fact that I have been a secret poet and kept a personal journal for 30 years would seem to belie the statement that I don't know what to say.......The public aspect of it is probably the problem, I would guess.
I've read several of the posts here and feel a strong connection to what is being discussed.   But I seem to be unable to ask for what I'm looking for. 
I've been a long time at searching for my "self", my sense of purpose in life.  It seems to be slipping further and further from my grasp, the more I search, give up, retry, pause, try again, etc, etc, etc.
I can't afford therapy, am barely surviving now.  I guess I just need to know that others are struggling, too.  Even if there is no end in sight, we have to keep breathing.
I often think I was born on the wrong planet, that no "cure" exists for my condition, emotional as it is.  There has to be a better place somewhere.....
Thanks for the awareness of other's struggles.  It does help to know one isn't alone, even in the reality of pain and pointlessness.
 

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Dragonsamm,

I'm very sorry you're in so much pain. I hope you'll tell as much of your story here as you're inspired to type. It would be good to know more about what built up to your feeling this way. That's where to start unraveling the knot (on the other side of which is new thread).

Meanwhile, not knowing you yet, I can absolutely guarantee you one thing: you are not pointless.

Glad you're posting.

Hopalong

[Certain Hope]

Hi Dragonsamm,

  Welcome to the board.

  So many times in my life I have felt unable to ask for what I desired... I remember a deep sense of hopelessness and to this day I'm not sure what the basis of that was. I do know that it was a lie, because there is always hope.. as long as we have life and breath, there is hope.

  Whether it's thinking that nobody could ever possibly understand, or a false belief that you and your thoughts and feelings are not worth being seen and heard, or even if you think that what you so desperately long for is a fantasy and impossible to achieve in this life...  I do believe that the truth is your key to freedom.  That truth is that we are all so very much alike at the core and we need each other, painful and risky as relationship can be, we need each other. I pray that you will receive the strength and overpowering desire to reach out at the right time and I know there are folks here who will offer every support and encouragement to you in return.

With love,
Hope

[Stormchild]

Hello dragonsamm - welcome.

All that I would say, Hops and Hope have said before me. But I'd like to add: take your time, visit, disclose as you feel safe disclosing; we have much in common here but we also differ widely, and there's plenty of room.

Glad you're here, glad you found us -

[teartracks]

Hi Dragonsamm,

Welcome   !

Hopalong's advice...Dittos!

Certain Hope's advice...Dittos!

Stormchild's advice....Dittos!

I especially liked the part that said there is plenty of room and that those who participate are widely different, but you will rarely find a bad egg!

Peace,

teartracks

[pennyplant]

Hi Dragonsamm,

I kind of smiled when I saw the title of your thread and then read your first post.  My husband often says similar things and it gives him much grief.  All the years we've been together and he still struggles with telling me about himself!!!  So, I guess it can be a very deep seated thing.  But it doesn't stop me from loving him the way I do and from knowing him the way I do even though the words aren't always there.  He's the best person I know.

So, anyway, it's good to meet you and welcome to this journey.  This is a complicated place where you can listen or talk as you wish.  I know I've personally learned so much here.  I've learned more here in a short time than I would have believed possible.  It's pretty amazing sometimes.

Pennyplant

[moonlight52]

Dragonsamm,

Welcome I have learned a great deal as well here and everyone  is so supportive 


MoonLight

[dragonsamm]

Thank you, all who responded (to my surprise, I must say).  I really didn't expect much of a response, especially so quickly.  It brought tears to my eyes, really.  I have spent so many years trying to figure out why I've been unable to have the life I believe in, I might have begun to think it was all a fantasy.  But I hear the care and understanding in the responses I got, I just don't have a clue what might be possible....
I am 50 years old, tired of life.  I gave birth to 3 beautiful, intelligent children, and I have several brothers and friends that I know care about me.  But there has always been a hole in my soul that I cannot fill.  I know cognitively how valuable every soul in the universe is...but there is still a voice inside that tells me..."except  me".  I have been through enough relationships with men that failed at every turn that i have no hope of finding anyone who can even come close to being what I need in a healthy relationship.  Or hope that i could be what I need to be within that kind of framework.  At the same time, I feel extremely lonely, and know that solitude, while necessary for my soul, is quickly toxic to me when it goes on too long.
My financial situation is dire, with very little hope of change.
I know that Dr Phil would tell me to just get up and move, and something will change.  But I've been waiting, trying, reading, listening, praying, crying, writing, talking, for more than 10 years with no improvement.  I'm just tired of the fight.
I'm told I have an IQ of 131.  What good does it do to be intelligent if one cannot make sense out of one's life?
I have read MANY books by authors such as Neale Donald Walsch, Thomas Moore, Dr Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, M Scott Peck, Ken Wilber, Dr Phil, John Bradshaw, Gary Zukav, Clarissa Estes, Caroline Myss, etc, etc, etc.  Every one of them took me to the same place in my heart and soul and dropped me like a rock.   I cannot make sense out of an apparently pointless struggle.
I cannot give up, I already know too much.  I cannot keep crawling, I'm too tired.
What now??
Just numb myself the best I can, and keep moving.  Until a moment arrives when it is all too much and i cry myself to sleep, so I can get up in the morning and do it all again.
My kids are the only things that keep me going.  Their father abandoned them, i cannot do that to them, too.  They deserve at least one parent who cares about them.  I try to be what i can be for them.  It's all i seem to have.
I love music.  I am a lyric-head, can recite the lyrics to nearly any 70's tune you can name.  Love Justin Hayward.  He is my angel voice, telling me
                    "Don't you know that it's not too late, the time's not past...And    even though I tell myself, all is lost, somewhere there's a spark of hope.... somehow, the world keeps turning, promising a better day, somewhere the  spark is burning away..."
                 from "It's Not Too Late", LP: The View From the Hill

I don't always believe him, but it's nice to hear..............


But one cannot live on another's music.  It's all just part of the fantasy.
Thanks for listening.....i needed that!!
Smile

[Hopalong]

Hi Dragon:
I know a book that might take you through this place you're in and bring you out on the other side...
Have you read When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron?

Hops

[reallyME]

PennyPlant,

My husband has no trouble talking about himself, as long as his discussion remains in the places of his childhood where he felt like part of this delusional "Walton's Family," during his father molesting both his sister and abusing all the children.

To talk to my husband, you'd quickly see that he is stunted back in childhood days.  It's sick, sad and also sometimes ANNOYING! How many times can one listen to the same story about kids down at the fishing hole, or how "we tied stuff to the cats tails and let em run through the cornfield."  First of all, he has no empathy, so to behead newborn kittens doesn't phase him (I HAVE NEVER ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN, BUT HIS FATHER AND HE DID IT YEARS AGO! SICKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!)  He has not empathy for people, so when I tell him about one of my friends hurting, his response is "so?  that's THEIR PROBLEM, NOT YOURS!"  He has even said about my suicidal friends, "If they are that desperate to end it and their lives are soooooooooooo bad, give em a gun and tell them to blow their brains out!"

When he says this, it makes me think DIVORCE!

~Laura

[pennyplant]

Laura,

Sometimes my husband says, "If I act like my real self it will scare people."  He also had a pretty rough upbringing in some ways, I can think of similar things in his history to what your husband witnessed.  But he walled himself off in a different way.  He basically divorced himself from these people in his soul.  He was there physically, because he was a child of course, and had no choice.  But he doesn't seem to consider himself a real part of that family.  He loves them, but doesn't feel particularly close to them or feel he is the same as them.  And his brothers and sisters really are good people.  But he never felt connected.  I guess it was good in some ways, though, because he has repeated very little of the problems that he was raised with. 

One question I have, Laura:  what were the things that first attracted you to your husband?

--------------------------------------

Dragonsamm,

It seems like you have spent a very long time on a very large plateau.  Seems like maybe you're waiting for a breakthrough.  Or a way through to the place where everything will feel right for you.  Really I can identify with much that you have written here except that I'm five years younger.  You  know, sometimes I wish I were dumb--it seems like there is a point where intelligence lets you know too much about the wrong things.  You know or see things that you might be better off being ignorant of.  I mean better off in terms of how depressing it can be to know some things.

I think it's hard to just decide to make some big change in life especially when you have to think about the consequences to your children and possibly making a poor financial situation worse.  So maybe Dr. Phil has ideas that give people something to think about, but maybe it's not practical advice for everyone.  One possibility is to try to work with what we already have, what might still make you feel alive, like music or art for example, and then see if there is a slightly different direction to go in starting from there.  Of course, I'm someone who tends to hang onto the past.  That seems to be the way I'm built.  But it still is possible to work from what you already know and maybe find a way to make it new.  Find a different angle or door to go through while still operating from that familiar place.

I'd like to hear more about what got you to this time and place if you think of something you'd lke to tell about.

Pennyplant

[Certain Hope]

Dear Dragonsamm,

  I have had that hole in my soul which I could not fill. I now believe that... that hole is where God belonged. All of my life I had tried to fill the gap with other things and people, with wisdom and knowledge and understanding that were simply too shallow to suffice. To me, God is the only One big enough to satisfy. You've read alot of books. My suggestion is to read the gospel of John and the Psalms, for starters... in any translation which appeals to you. You are in my prayers.

With love,
Hope

[WRITE]

welcome!

I have been a secret poet and kept a personal journal for 30 years

that's awesome, that's a strong voice you know.

But I seem to be unable to ask for what I'm looking for. 

you can practice getting it out there here- that's what lots of us have been doing.

I have found great support and advice here and once I was able to share in my real life some of my thoughts and experiences.

I'm really impressed by your 30 year journal, what a wonderful document.

 I guess I just need to know that others are struggling, too.

people do struggle, often hidden.
They also share, grow, learn and survive.

Like I said- WELCOME!!!

[reallyME]

Pennyplant,

ALthough my husband didn't divorce himself from siblings, I found it so odd when he would be expected to visit his mother, then something came up and he'd say "oh she'll figure it out that I"m not coming when I don't get there."  To me that is RUDE and that is how I was taught...you call if you are going to be late or not coming, you don't just ASSUME people know...esp your own MOTHER. 

WHen we moved to IL from NY, my husband did not contact his mother or "father" nor did it seem to bother him not hearing from them.  I just found it really disturbing.  Even now that his mother lives out in IL, he doesn't go there much or call her...it's like he and his siblings grew up as separate "only-children" and never really bonded as siblings...it's just really strange.

One question I have, Laura:  what were the things that first attracted you to your husband?

only thing that attracted me to him was chemistry and a way out of my controlling foster mother's house...He was an escape and, in the fantasy I lived in in my mind, he was my prince charming, come to rescue me like Cinderella LITERALLY ( i mean I really believed this...the happily ever after with mr romantic)  He is FAR from romantic...even our sexual relationship is more like porno than something on a soap opera.  Sad, but true.

[Anansi]

Hi Dragonsamm,

I hear and feel where you're at and I feel your sincerity and can imagine the fatigue.   
Of the things you wrote, this one hit me the most:

"I cannot give up, I already know too much.  I cannot keep crawling, I'm too tired."

One thing that stays with me and gives me an odd comfort or perhaps empathy is from one of the Grimms tales called Duration of Life:

http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/grimm176.html

Are we at the end of the donkey years and beginning the dog ones but paying the bills forces us not to rest in the dogs years and compels us to extend the donkey years longer? 

It sounds like you/I want to rest but the whip of paying the bills keeps us in the donkey years?  It's quite a tale, isn't it?  It really makes me think. 

Please consider us/me your new allied forces.  (I'm using this term in the positive meaning of fighting of the good fight, ie: identifying the parental voices (superego, introjects, whatever we call them) in our heads so that they may be freed. 

Anansi