Author Topic: Dating  (Read 7554 times)

Plucky

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Re: Dating
« Reply #45 on: August 20, 2006, 04:24:36 PM »
Hi Anansi,
thanks for that informative nugget.  I must be the only one for whom this rang completely true.  I married my husband because he seemed to be able to withstand all my tantrums.  I was in a bad place, the wrong place to be selecting a life mate, but I also felt he could 'save' me in a way.  In a way it worked.  I got the chance to even out and stop worrying that no one would ever want to marry me.  I got to have children before I was too old. 

But I also was forced to muffle my real emotions, abandon any hope of being really intimate with someone, shut up about my issues and my past, and in hindsight, I would not do it again.  I also realise that even if he was socialised not to react, internally he did have a reaction to the anger and insecurities I brought into the relationship.   I got it out, but it did not vanish into thin air!  Can you say, passive-aggressive?

Anansi, you are worthy of love and affection and friendship and caring.  Just the way you are right now.  You are receiving it right up on this board.  And you are taking big steps to improve the way you cope with the world.

I would just take a step back from the idea that a woman can 'save' you.  No one can save you.  You can save yourself, and then you can be able to really be with someone and not have it based on desperation.  I made this mistake and I'm here to tell you!

Plucky

WRITE

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Re: Dating
« Reply #46 on: August 20, 2006, 04:49:36 PM »
Maybe too personal Write, I'm thinking, why did he do that? Because he felt too worried to sleep alone, because maybe he thought you felt bad and was taking care of you? hey I don't even know how old he was. I feel so far removed from 'normal' sometimes that I can't imagine a little boy doing that;

he was let me see- 7 almost 8. And he did it at Daddy's too not just here. He said he didn't want to be alone.
Neither of us were too concerned about it, though I had a bit of a sleep issue all those months I needed unbroken sleep so sometimes I would sneak upstairs to his bed when he was asleep and sleep there.

We both recognised he is growing up and soon won't be our little boy, and it was sort-of nice to see his little hands and face as he slept and to know he was safe and comfortable.

do you think I'm impatient? I've been pondering this and can't decide.

I don't know, you've had a couple of little outbursts over the years but nothing excessive I'd say  :)
I just picked up on your comment I think. Thinking about it now I wonder if you aren't a little weary of all the religious talk?

I would much prefer to be in a secular setting with G_d as an issue than a religious setting myself, because that was how it was done back home, how I grew up. People who were constantly preoccupied with religion were seen as obsessed. And some of them were.

I remember going to an evangelical church and someone turned to me and said in a rather manic way: 'The Holy Spirit sets things on fire'. I thought 'sounds dangerous' and didn't go again!

It was my friend's church and her daughter was dedicating her life to Christ. She hadn't been taught enough grace to thank people for their gifts and attendence though. They went off to start their own church somewhere later, I lost touch with them. I wonder what happened to them? they seemed a little bit mean-spirited as their religion developed, I liked them better when i first knew them and they were more human and kind people.

okay to beat

the truth is it's not okay to use violence. Words, withdrawal, aggression of any kind might teach them something but it probably isn't a good long-term lesson. I hear people justify violence against kids all the time but I can tell you from my experience it has never felt right once when I have slapped or yelled at my son. Never once have I been calm and rational and not angry and thought: oh yes, the right thing to do now is to hit or shout, it's always been an angry instinctive reaction and I have pretty much trained myself to stop it after 10 years.

I see it as if I don't have the self-control, why should he...

You can save yourself, and then you can be able to really be with someone and not have it based on desperation.  I made this mistake and I'm here to tell you!

Another bit of Judith Sills fits here:

If you are having trouble finding someone with whom to begin or complete  a courtship, I'd suggest you check yourself for an error in your orientation. You are probably making the mistake of looking to receive love from a proper source rather than to give it with a generous spirit.
You are screening the world to determine who might be worthy of your love. You decide that not very many other people are, a decision you refer to as 'havign high standrds'. When you do encounter someone who might inspire your love, you send a desperate message: Please love me back! Please think I'm enough! You have forgotten that it is better to give than to receive.
This is such a fundamental, universal error in thinkign that I can promise you one thing. If you focus on increasing the number of men and women to whom you are willing to offer love, you will eventually find a grateful receiver.



Anansi

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Re: Dating
« Reply #47 on: August 20, 2006, 05:31:17 PM »
Dear Plucky,

If I got it right, you said you gained some things (confidence, children) but that it cost too much (authentic self expression, intimacy, deeper healing).  Is this approximately accurate?

"in hindsight, I would not do it again."

I understand.  Thank you.  And thank you for saying that I am loveable even the way I am right now.

In respect to you and in reverence to all that you've been through,
Anansi

Plucky

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Re: Dating
« Reply #48 on: August 20, 2006, 11:19:23 PM »
Dear Anansi,
Yes you got it right, and phrased so well.  Only one thing.  I did not, DID NOT gain confidence.  All that happened, was that the issue of whether I would ever get married went away for a while.  The issue of whether I was attractive or lovable?  Still on the table, and now I had mainly only one person to get feedback from.  And it was not coming.    So actually, it was not good for my confidence.   Just for the ticking biological clock and some stability.  For a time.

Quote
thank you for saying that I am loveable even the way I am right now.

I did not say that.  I said, just the way you are now.  Exactly the way you are now.  Not 'even' the way you are now.  Not 'in spite of' anything.  You are welcome.  I'm just stating the obvious.

Plucky

Anansi

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Re: Dating
« Reply #49 on: August 22, 2006, 04:19:57 PM »
Hi Plucky,

Thank you.  So if I got it right, you said the issues of desirability and martial status were "resolved" for that time being and that in hindsight, true confidence building was limited or blocked in developing due to limited feedback from spending so much time with one man?  That there was concern or pressue over child bearing years and that this along with a need for stability were addressed at a high cost.
And you said that I'm worth love and friendship just the way I am right now. 
Is this all right?  Is there more?

Anansi
(if anything is off or missing, I'd very much like to know)

Plucky

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Re: Dating
« Reply #50 on: August 23, 2006, 10:10:48 PM »
Hi Anansi,
you are really listening closely!  I'm not used to that.  It feels funny, but good.
I actually posted to try to support you, not to blab on about me.  So, I hope you are feeling ok.  I do not read all the threads so maybe you have been posting elsewhere.  I just don't want you (or anyone)to do what I did!
Plucky