Wow. Thank you everyone. A lot! I feel present and accounted for.
(Pehaps my ego was suffering...it'll do that.) But your responses are so rich, varied, thoughtful and honest. What more could anyone ask? I think nuttin'. I read all of it and then I thought...
You dummy (self), you knew that. Meaning, I knew that people are honest and forthright and just being who they are and speaking the language that is truest for them here. I didn't forget, exactly, I think I was just feeling a little overwhelmed (old associations of prejudice and even some present ones about the state of the world re. religious wars, etc). All better.
Ohmmmmmm.... (Kidding, I have a squirrel in my brain that makes me a lousy meditator). But yes, Plucky, btw, I do relate very hummingly to Buddhist concepts. Not all the way, but then, that would be agnostic thing too. I LIKE the compassion over everything else that many branches of Buddhism spend the most energy on.
I looked up another definition of
agnostic that sounded less negative than doubting or being skeptical about god, but in my own words,
holding the space of not knowing (But Write, "noncomittal" was the secondary definition -- a person who can't or won't commit to something, as in a "political agnostic"--GREAT! Oh well, Mud knows me better. Reliably soppy liberal. Hmm. Not entirely true actually, I have some conservative views, particularly regarding children. Tigerish and nonpermissive, I guess...).
Back to agnostic--somehow in my brain/spirit, though, to hold that space as unknown IS faith. Sounds back-assward, I know, but
in paradox sometimes things make more sense to me. What I mean is...I have faith that it is not necessary for me to declare belief, because if there were deity/ies I could believe in, it/they would be about such love as is beyond human comprehension AND any language or text and to which the limits of my imagination or will OR language would be irrelevant. (That's why I see many books as about the human impulse toward the sacred but no books
as sacred.) I think this has something to do with my feelings about writing, too, but I can't articulate that better yet. I know when I majored in linguistics there was a ghastly moment when we were crawling around inside the micro-units of syllables called monemes and phonemes and I had a really shattering awareness of words literally dissolving into having no weight. Once (I) reassembled, I think they'd lost a lot of their absolute might.
Right, the other definition:
a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly : one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god [Merriam Webster online]
I did a little essay in an online paper a few months ago:
---------
I'm a very optimistic agnostic, ripe for a deathbed epiphany. I found my faith in a community, not a creed.
Traditional religion fell apart for me decades ago, with the painful realization that I was "less than" in most traditions because of my gender. It broke my heart, and I lost the words for worship -- but how I missed it.
Eventually I found the Unitarian Universalist Church and hovered in the back pews for over a year, fighting the fear that I would have to leave my mind at the door and affirm a belief statement someone else wrote. It threatened me beyond all measure, as scolding responses to reason and doubt had scarred me in Sunday school as a child.
(The UUC kept that part pretty secret, I thought, but I knew they'd spring it on me when I asked about membership.)
There was no such requirement. A kind gentleman with amazing crow's-feet invited me to sign my name in a book and gave me a pat on the back. With that gesture I was welcomed into a dynamic religious community that has inspired me and comforted me for the last 20 years.
I still fret about the "To Whom It May Concern" part when I pray, but I pray anyway. My faith in the strength and purpose of this community has grown very strong over the years. I can worship without words, or with an evolving script, and I know I am welcome, I am home.------------
Anyway, thank you again, all of you. Thanks to you too Richard, for sharing your wonderful Bat Mitzvah words. That was a mitzvah! I bet many of us could only dream of a father or partner with humor and such love.
I think being on this board adds up to reading a good book, taking a long walk and making a new friend. Too bad you're not a believer because creating this board definitely gets you out of Hebrew purgatory, if there is such a thing.
(Penny: You crack me up. I too am terrified of cheerleaders.
NO OFFENSE TO ANY HERE!)
Thank you every single one for holding space for me. I have just about worn myself out for the moment which is likely a good thing. (Hah.)
(Except to tell you that not only does my D want to see me, but she wants the whole week off with me and specifically said, I want to go to the beach
with you. Well blow me over.)
love,
Hops
PPS--Supporting R's partner D was good this morning and I had a lot of help.
