Why Does Boundary Setting Feel so Traumatic

[penelope]

Has anyone else had this experience:

you start to set boundaries with people.  you change.  you are not so pliable and pushed over so easily anymore.  People are surprised, miffed even.

You can tell by their reactions that you're changing.  Not all of it is good, but most of it is necessary, probably.

do people adapt?  yes.  Is it hard?  i think so.

p. bean

[Gaining Strength]

Yes, yes, it's hard.  But it's all good hard.  No pain, no gain.  This is exactly the kind of hard that means you're doing it right.

Gaining Strength

[Stormchild]

change-back reaction. people are used to taking advantage of you, or taking you for granted, or whatever; you change; they push back to try to make you back down.

you're breaking conditioning, also.

so you have both external and internal discomforts to contend with. while the folks pushing back at you have only external discomfort.

if you're inclined to feel sorry for them, remind yourself that, apparently, abusing you is ego-syntonic for them - that is, it doesn't feel bad to them to punish you for asserting yourself in a healthy way - and that should cure you of misplaced empathy in record time.

[penelope]

thank you Gaining strength

Storm - yep, that's definetely how it feels.

They're saying "change back! we liked you the other way when we could walk all over you and you did whatever we wanted..."    

phoooooooooooey!

pb

[gratitude28]

Some people like it when you are compliant and easy to deal with. New boundaries are scary. But, as I know from recovery, it sure feels wonderful when you know what you want and where you stand, even if others don't like it. It's a lot more important that I feel good about what I am doing than wondering if others think I am doing the right thing.
When I quit drinking the first time, a lot of people at college (I'm one of those older grad students) had a hard time with it. Even though I was having fun, they couldn't understand why I wasn't getting drunk like them and like I used to. To me, that is an issue THEY had. I never asked them not to drink. I hung out with them when they did. I enjoyed their company. So how could it be a problem?
Good going PBean... Keep doing what is good for YOU!!!!
Love, Beth

[Stormchild]

oopsie... sorry to hijack your thread, PB, but I don't  think I've ever said Hi and Welcome to Gaining Strength - Hi GS, welcome, kind of belatedly but still sincerely....

[penelope]

hi tt and storm,

no worries about detracting, it's alright with me.  tt- that was very caring of you to share.  thank you

hi beth,
thank you too

everyone's words reinforce "I'm OK."  I know that, but sometimes it's nice to hear...

pb

[Certain Hope]

Tt said:  Your heart is being enlarged so that you can walk the path of your truth. Pb.

Amen.

It stretches and pains and stretches some more... so many weeds to be pulled and areas of good new growth to be cultivated.

Often, for me,  it was as if my  head were in a vise because that was the only way I could hold on to my resolve to reclaim what was rightfully mine.

Ditto that, Tt. In the very recent past, I would literally have what I imagine must be a panic attack when I had to lay out a boundary.
In my personal history, nothing was ever rightfully mine and if I tried to keep any part to myself, I'd feel guilty and shamed.
There is much to be said for choosing battles wisely, but of course some will just thrust themselves upon you and there is no choice but to stand with feet firmly planted and refuse to retreat. Sadness and grief and... a sense of nakedness, bare of the usual people-pleasing, shrinking-back clothing which used to clothe our inner selves. I used to think that self needed a complete makeover. Now I think she just needs the right accessories and a good all-weather coat.

Love,
Hope

[moonlight52]

Hi all

The placing of boundaries is very new for me.I have gained strength and  I live in the now and enjoy trusting
myself .
My family is rooting for me (hubby and 2 daughters) Others n parent, sis and niece I just try and have little contact with as possible.
This for me is the healthiest road to be on .

When I go back to work I should be fine, we work like a team and
there are not boundary problems at work.We have worked together for years and are a small company and are lucky to have
a healthy atmosphere . When there is a problem it seems everyone feels free to voice said problem and it gets resolved.

I think the reason I am doing good now is I do not care what the n's are thinking or I care a whole lot less and I just do not see them or call them.I am sure they have noticed this change.

Moon

[Overcomer]

I never had a boundary in me.  When I telemarketer called, I bought.  When a salesman sold me, I bought.  Someone asked me to work the nursery at church, I worked it (I hated it.)  Lots of times I would say yes, then not show up.  Avoid the person for years.  All over a simple NO.  I didn't divorce my first husband because my nmom said, "hate the sin, love the sinner" (found out he had had at least 20 women while we were married="the sin.")

But one day when I had had it - it was like a volcano erupted inside of me and I went on a rampage RAGE!!!  Oh, I more than set boundaries......................anyway, it was soooooo hard on my nmom.  She went through MAJOR withdrawals not being able to control me anymore.  "Would you like to go to the State Fair?"  No.  "Can I sign up your daughter for VBS?"  No.  "Would you two like to join us for....."  No.

"Hello, this is Joe Blow from XYZ company........."  Click.  "Can you work the nursery?"  "I'm sorry, I am already booked at that time."  "If I could get the payment on this car that you like today, can we sign the deal?"  "No, I haven't decided yet, but thank you."

That is the most liberating feeling EVER.  And the fact that I am in a network marketing company and I call people and ask them if they might be interested in learning more and they say no, I say "OK.  By the way do you know anyone else who might be interested in pure, safe and beneficial products?"  Gee, I lived and they told me NO!!

[moonlight52]

Hi pb and all ,

I have just found out the truth of this push back in others.It is so interesting who likes the change to a stronger self and who wants to pin you down.

It tells you a lot about the person you are interacting with.
I now am aware enough to see this in others that do not like the changing me.
Three guesses "who" does not like the improving happier me.lol

moon

[Certain Hope]

Dear Kelly and Moon,

   "We'll see" has become one of my favorite responses, especially to my children, when they are demanding an instant reply re: something they want to do/buy/attend or whatever. They were pretty skeptical when I first began to take this approach, because there was a time when I'd just say it to blow them off and get them outta my hair. But now those two little words come along with a commitment to think the matter through and give a decision within a specified time period and they know that I'm not just trying to evade the issue. Now that I don't feel obligated to say yes or pushed to give an instant no... "we'll see" works for me 

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

Kelly, Moon, et all...

YOU GO GIRLS/GUYS!

Boundaries...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, good idea for sure!

[Hopalong]

Moon,

I live in the now and enjoy trusting myself.

What a great statement! 

Hops

[Overcomer]

Hope, "we'll see" drives me crazy when my husband says it to me.  Maybe because I wasn't used to getting boundaries.  But with him, I felt like he was taking control of the situation.  When we first got married he kind of bullied me - he had been hurt by a couple women and took it out on me.  I would accept the "we'll see" until I just didn't care if he came or went.....................so then I came back with my own "boundary" and said something like, "well, you can see all you want but I'm doing what I want!!"

So, "we'll see" probably works with some - I suppose my nmom would hate it, too!!