I am not "Undeserving."

[Gaining Strength]

To the Cosmos -

I am thankful for having a place where I can put my sadnesses out there and have them acknowledged and understood and responded to.  That was a huge hole in my childhood, a hole that became abscessed as I got older.  Finally, I have a place to talk about my pain - large and small.

I love that phrase, "safe harbour."  I wish so much that my home had been a safe harbour and hope that my son will find our home a safe harbour.  When I, even as a very young child of 5 or 6, had a bad experience at school, my father would tell me that it was my fault and that I should have not "caused" someone to be mean to me.    Even today when I read Wayne Dyar's "Power of Intention" in which he says, "you have taught people how to treat you."  I cringe.  I really do understand where he is going with that.  I know he is trying to give his readers power to change their (my) reaction to being mistreated.  And now as an adult I am beginning to be able to do that.  But at 3,4,5,   12, 13 etc., I could not do that.  Because I like Dyar's writings and find them helpful, I simiply insert the word "unwittingly" in his phrase "you have [unwittingly] taught people how to treat you."  Otherwise it is far to painful, recallling that home I longed to feel home in but where there were no arms of comfort for hurt feelings, there was no snug harbour against the storms of life.  Consequently, in recent years I have been knocked senseless by gentle breezes and incapacitated by hard winds.

The world I live in expects more from me than I can produce.  But tha world has no knowledge of the storms I have weathered.  And at long last I am able to acknowledge those expectations and support and encourage myself despite their misperceptions.

I am really just talking into the air, and not looking for a response.

Gaining strength

[pennyplant]

Hi GS,

And the cosmos says, that is good what you did, added the word "unwittingly".  That makes it more fair, I think.  Because it is true, that we just didn't  know as children what we were doing that might have led to the very, very poor treatment.  More blame doesn't help us.  Even if it is "unwitting" blame.

You seem to have some useful tools in yourself in spite of the harsh childhood.

Love,
Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks pennyplant -

Your words brought a smile to my face.  And your kindness a little tear of something.

I'm off to take my little one to "Monster House."  He will love it.  I hope it is funny.

Love,
Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

Me too, GS. Ditto what PP said.

I love it when people do not take any guru, however talented and well-meaning, as having all the answers. We can read and hunt and find inspiration and support in many forms, but the wisest voice to guide our own lives is within ourselves.

It's a "still small voice within." (It can be defined in religious terms if one likes.) But there is a core wholeness in everyone, no matter WHAT.

The kind of work you're doing now is what helps it get more and more expansive, until one day, it's not buried within...it's consistently you, within and without.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I'm lonely today.  I've made some progress but I keep coming here as if to find some cure.  So, having said that I am off to clean so more, make some more progress.  Fight that shame a little more.  That will be my goal, not to clean but to fight that shame.  I will not let it run rampant anymore.  I will continue to gain strength.  I will fight a little more today. 

It is so frightening to fight, to move forward.  The only way I can make sense out of that is that I think that my existence and flourishing were very threatening to my father.  (He has very strong mysogynistic tendencies though he masks them under perfect manners.)  I think that doing well or even improving feels threatening to him and that I have so internalized him that I feel actually threatened by my own improving.  It's as though I have become an autoimmune disease. 

This is where I have to have some kind of affirmation some kind of weapon to keep going.  I'm going to sign off now because I am presently Voicelessness as a distraction.  I hate to let go but I'll come back later.  Send thoughts of courage cyberspace, send thoughts of courage and aim your lasers at my shame.

Thanks - GS

[Hops]

O-HO!
People who are thinking thoughts as smart as THIS...

I think that doing well or even improving feels threatening to him and that I have so internalized him that I feel actually threatened by my own improving.

...literally cannot stay stuck forever. I am excited for you, GS!

It's not going to be a constant high. Don't worry about gray days. What matters is this good and real direction. I am so happy to hear you say, I hate it, I fear it, and toodles, I'm going to clean. That is wonderful.

I think you have more courage than you know but I am sending you extra!

Habits are only that. NEW habits of thinking if you persist (and you are doing that) will eventually wear out the old. Because the old are anti-life, and deeper than your fear is a desire for peace and wholeness. Your own instinctive desire for wholeness and serenity is going to win this challenge.

Your core, whole, sick-father-free self. You're becoming your own NEW father now. The inner kind who lovingly teaches and helps a child who's found something challenging to master. And then smiles a smile that lights you for years. (And you have years ahead. One day you'll be talking to some other person who's been stuck even WORSE--there always are, remember--telling them how you found the courage to work on through it. Moving an inch at a time.) An inch is excellent and don't minimize one little step you're taking! Not one!

InnerStrength...is within you.

(Have you done any music yet?)

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sun is coming back out for you...this is just a cloud. They'll come and go, don't be afraid.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Habits are only that. NEW habits of thinking if you persist (and you are doing that) will eventually wear out the old.

An inch is excellent and don't minimize one little step you're taking! Not one!

(Have you done any music yet?)

Hops

Yes, yes Hops - I believe that.  I believe that thinking habits are the key and I am just beginning to develop good ones, kind ones supportive ones.  Why I going to take some of the things you have written me and make them my own.  So much better than the ones I took in as a child.  I like yours, you don't mind if I internalize your encouragement do you?

An inch is excellent.  I can't walk a mile if I don't make the first inch.  You are right.  As I was posting earlier I realized that for my entire adult life once I got behind in something, no amount of catch up was going to be good enough because I shouldn't have been behind in the first place.  Now if I don't get past that then I am putting my own sad self in a double bind.  Why I don't need to old N's to tie me up, I'm doing their dirty work for them.  Ain't that crazy?

Oh yeah!  Music. Oops.  You know what I'm going to buy Dreamsingers latest release from her website - it's fabulous and it will be a great boost.  Plus I want to buy a great night time CD Sleep 101.  Thanks for reminding me. 

I actually went out for tai chi in a park and a pizza with a guy who I have enjoyed talking with in recent years.  he is recently divorced.  I'm not interested in romance at this time but I loved going out and having a life.  So I am in a much better place tonight than I was in earlier.

Thanks again Hops - I've got your files in my mind and I'll be opening them tomorrow. 

Yours - Gaining Strength