Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man

[Brigid]

Hi Write,

no more dating until after the divorce is final.
It's just confusing things.

I mean romantic dating- I am happy to accept invitations to socialise with my guy friends and I can spend some time learning how to relax and enjoy a man's company without going into emotional overdrive!

Good for you  .  This is a very wise choice.  I did the same thing.  Just had some casual relationships which allowed me to get out of the house, have dinner with another adult and hopefully, some interesting conversation.  It helps to get you comfortable with being with different men after so many years of being with just one, and hopefully just have some fun and maybe some new experiences.  I did that for about a year and a half, on and off, until I met my b/f--which didn't happen until after the divorce was final.  And even then, we dated very casually for the first 4 months.

Do you still have to see your ex at all Brigid?

Yes, occasionally.  I haven't seen him since our daughter's graduation ceremony in June, but we e-mail now and then if there is information to be shared.  Now that both kids are gone from the area, I won't need to see him except if we encounter each other out in public.  This is certainly possible as he now lives 2 blocks from my b/f and we hang out in some of the same places, but I no longer care if I see him anymore.

It sounds like you are doing great and making some good decisions for yourself.  Hang in there, it does get better. And when the time is right, hopefully you will meet someone who can fill the empty holes which were created by your h.  I'm here to tell you that it can and does happen.

Hugs,

Brigid

 

[WRITE]

I'm here to tell you that it can and does happen.

oh thank you! I hope so.
I am so ready to love and be loved!

I'm glad you found someone, it's heartening how many people here have been through really tough times but go on to find real happiness with all they learned.

[Brigid]

Yes, Write, I am very happy, very much in love, and I do believe very loved in return, BUT that doesn't mean I have been able to eliminate my great fear of abandonment.  My b/f has never given me any reason to believe that he would do that since we became exclusive and serious with each other, but it is something I was not able to completely work through in therapy.  I'm not sure that I ever will. 

It may have to do with the fact that I really have no other attachments to anyone else, aside from my children.  I have some wonderful friends, but they all have immediate and extended families to whom they are close and I will always consider myself an outsider to some degree.  Despite how dysfunctional my ex in-laws were, they did become my family, most of them live nearby, and we all did get along for the most part.  Sadly, they not only abandoned me, but my children for the most part.  The kids never felt particularly close to their grandparents, or my ex sil and her children, but they hardly ever see them now.  My ex FIL was always weird about only wanting his own children around and the grandchildren and out-laws were not made to feel welcome.  He is an n to the max, and I believe he resented the grandchildren taking away the attention and adoration that he always expected from his children.

I believe that those of us who never felt close to and loved by our parents, just assume that everyone will leave us eventually.  For the most part, I haven't yet been disappointed.  But I should know by now that being married in no way guarantees that someone will stay with you.  It is a merry-go-round that I wish to get off.

Brigid

[WRITE]

they not only abandoned me, but my children for the most part.  The kids never felt particularly close to their grandparents, or my ex sil and her children, but they hardly ever see them now.  My ex FIL was always weird about only wanting his own children around and the grandchildren and out-laws were not made to feel welcome.  He is an n to the max, and I believe he resented the grandchildren taking away the attention and adoration that he always expected from his children.

families are strange, as soon as there are problems it's like the blood ties close ranks.

My ex's family are closer to me in many ways but I think they'd still do this after all these years!

All of us in our families were diappointed in the lack of input from grandparents to the children, don't know why really, it was pretty ture to their previous behaviour. But it's very hard to accept those little beings who so delight and fascinate us aren't that interesting to people wrapped up in themselves!