Secret Bad Habit

[WRITE]

no one can change someone else!

If after 19 years he knows your feelings and isn't going to compromise it probably is time for you to move on.

I did that in my head first: built my self-esteem and worked on myself.

It came to a point I knew I wasn't honouring G_d or him or myself by staying.

Plus- now we're almost divorced he is changing faster than ever.

I guess I set him free to pursue his journey, which was too tied up with mine 

He even booked a therapy appointment of his own volition! and is reading- Judith Sills!!!

G_d is love RM, not this punitive judgemental human-like figure so many of us have been taught.

And the marriage vows- I said 'so long as we both shall live'; but our lives became a death...of our real selves.

I can give him far more love at a distance than I ever did close up when I was so hurt and disappointed.

sometimes we just have to get a bit more creative

it's hard to be creative when you're not being true to your authentic self though.

I remember that pain of turning into someone I didn't want to be and feeling constantly frustrated and cheated when all I wanted was to make a good life together, and we weren't on the same planet half the time.

I started to be really critical, he was 10 times worse. I guess we were both looking for some kind of perfection instead of realising it came from us and we just didn't have the compatability and both had emotional issues from childhood.

Now I want to be with someone who'll meet me half way and help create that beautiful life together. Until then, I'm going to cope and make a good life for me and my boy.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Laura,
I'm really sorry.
It's devastating to be repulsed by someone. It's really hard to overlook things when the love's broken.
I wouldn't care about the clothing style stuff, but the teeth are a deal breaker.
That is truly hard to be around...

Will he not go to a dentist? I know dental work is horrendously expensive but jeez. There are clinics.

Is he a sort of old-fashioned country guy? Does he think that once people marry even if they're miserable together that's just the way it is, and "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do"? Was that what his parents' marriage was like?

I understand feeling economically trapped. You are so smart, though, RM. And you're in college now.
I wish you could become an LPN or RN. You'd never ever lack for a job....

I hope you can start dreaming some new dreams...put that anger and hatred you're feeling into ENERGY, for schoolwork and for positive plans. You don't have to plan divorce if that's wrong for you. But you could plan a whole lot of things.

I'm glad you're venting here. This is a very painful situation for you.

Hops

[reallyME]

Thank you all for your input.

I'm not going to respond to all of your posts, because I did find myself getting defensive, and I'm trying to learn not to do that.

I am going to respond to Hops, however:

Will he not go to a dentist? I know dental work is horrendously expensive but jeez. There are clinics.

Is he a sort of old-fashioned country guy? Does he think that once people marry even if they're miserable together that's just the way it is, and "a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do"? Was that what his parents' marriage was like?[/

quote]

you PEGGED HIM!  He is very old fashioned, grew up on a farm.  He does believe that way about marriage and YES his parent's marriage was like that for YEARS.  His father molested both Roland's sister and step-sister as children, after he broke his back in a work accident and was home all the time with them.  My husband's mother was of the belief that you kow tow to the man and let him have what he wants, except there were some sexual things she refused his father, so the father used the promiscuous daughter for it instead.  Of course my husband is the only one of 6 children who just about DEIFIED this perverted creature in his mind.  So, he even left our daughter with they guy a couple times.  In his eyes, his father didn't violate his step sister...she ASKED FOR IT, since she was already sleeping around as a teen.  SICK, I KNOW!!!


His mother, even after her daughter came to her, telling her about being molested, stayed with the )^()^)*%)%!  If you ask her why, she will give some line about "where would I go with 6 kids?  They didn't have places like they do now for people in my situation!"  yeah, right...sorry, ZILCH COMPASSION FROM ME!  I WOULD HAVE LIVED ON THE STREETS IF MY HUSBAND MOLESTED MY CHILDREN IF I HAD TO!

So, that's how it is

[gratitude28]

I really wanted to take the time to respond to everyone here because there is so much good stuff and I just didn't have time last week.

Laura, I am very sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time at home. Good luck to you in figuring out what you want and need.

Lupine, Welcome and congrats on a strong and wise decision! What character!

Jac, I always wanted to be anorexic, but only managed to become bulimic. Spent a few years like that. It was satisfying in some sick way. My parents found out through a dietician I was seeing when I was in college (long story) and they simply said, "Are you still doing it?" I said, "No, but I wouldn't tell you if I was." They nodded, shrugged it off and went on with life. Mysister was (is?) bulimic and abused laxatives. We were never taught to eat normally. Another long story. I never eat right and it's a pain in my butt.

write, I LOVE the way you have made such mature changes in your life. I like the idea of eating something healthful when I feel the need to just eat... I also want to start exercising each day and being kinder to myself. Thank you for an inspiring post.

sela, your wise words are always wonderful to hear.

all... I guess the thing about the NyQuil (and why it was hard to admit) is that I am using it to "feel spacey." Yes, it's to sleep. Yes, I am not sleeping well. But I am trying to be honest with myself and needed to see the words in front of me to admit my true purpose.

I am so grateful to have all of you to run things by. It sure helps keep my life sane.
Love and kindness to all.
Take care of yourselves!!!!
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

Thanks moon!!!
I actually had a very happy week last week and I am feeling more myself again. I went through a serious rough patch (you know, every day seems it can't get worse... and then it does.) So, the curse was broken with a lovely snorkeling trip and a healthy baby guinea pig (he got better!) and getting my car fixed for half what I thought it would be and meeting a very nice person with two great kids who get along with my kids... lots of things.
I said the serenity prayer about 8 million times and kept trying to remember that, This too shall pass, " but it was a long one...
So... the reason I'm spouting off about all this is to say, maybe now is a good time for me to start changing some of the bad habits...
And moon, congrats on making so many changes in your life!!!!
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Dear Moon,

I do not know what it says in the Bible about what I owe my father as far as respect goes when he soooooooooooooooo does not respect me ?

  You may like to read this re: honoring an abusive parent  http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/003/4.38.html

 There is no simple answer, but I hope this helps some.

Love,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

I do not know what it says in the Bible about what I owe my father as far as respect goes when he soooooooooooooooo does not respect me ?

For YEARS, I have been trying to understand the 5th commandment, the only commandment with a promise in light of growing up with parents who were not loving, caring, nurturing.  "Honor thy mother and father, that it may go well with you."  What does "honor" mean? I have wondered.  There are not built in exceptions, such as "unless your parents are abusive or commit infanticide."  So this has to apply even to the most wretched of parents.  And in that case - what does "honor" mean.  The best I can make out is that it means to view them as children of God.  Children who may have drifted tragicly far from God's will, but children whom God loved.  How else can I fit these two concepts together - "child abuser" & "honor your parents"?

That is a tough theological question for me.

Thanks for raising it.  I am looking forward to reading responses to your post. - Gaining Strength

Certain Hope
Your post came up while I was typing.  Thanks for that link, I'm headed right there.

[WRITE]

Colossians 3 ( chapter 20? ) goes on to say
Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged

One of my friends told me last week she didn't go to church when the Pastor told her ( during marital counselling after her husband beat her ) Wives, be subordinate to your husbands, as is proper in the Lord.

He omitted the next line ( also from Colossians 3 )
Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter toward them.

Jesus repeated Honour thy father and mother- well I honour mine by not becoming the woman they mistakenly tried to raise, and by forgiving them their ignorance and selfishness.

***

Hope you are feeling better Moon, I know arguments upset you.

[Hopalong]

Maybe it meant honor them and you'll inherit the sheep.

I think every line in the Book is transcended by the Golden Rule.

And with abusive parents, I think you can do the golden rule like Moon does....and like somebody up thread said better:

You can honor the life they gave you by making your own life whole, healthful and happy. You can honor them by recognizing them in their full humanity and reality and responding in a life-affirming way. And maybe that includes firm boundaries, little contact, and no war. Because you disengage.

THe word "honor" may have had other translations, but as I feel religious truth evolves, I would encourage you to REWRITE that commandment in words that come from the place of deepest life and health within you. We can all translate, humans interpret. And you can too.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Maybe it meant honor them and you'll inherit the sheep.

LOL - I'll do that for the sheep!

You can honor the life they gave you by making your own life whole, healthful and happy. You can honor them by recognizing them in their full humanity and reality and responding in a life-affirming way. And maybe that includes firm boundaries, little contact, and no war. Because you disengage.

Now that is absolutely beautiful.  That is profound beyond words.  I hope to absorb that to the fullest.

Thanks - GS

[reallyME]

Regarding Moon's question about "honor thy father and mother" and what the Bible says about it...

I'd like to point out that the Bible is a book of BALANCE...

God also told the fathers "provoke not your children to wrath" and...in the book of Proverbs, there are plenty of things mentioned about parent-child relationships.

Recently I have decided to keep in mind that the Bible was written in a very different day and age and mindset, than what we live in now.  Although I believe that the Bible is still the WORD of God, I also realize that things need to be taken as a whole and in the context and era they were written...all of that needs to be considered, and also to remember that what was written, often times was the IDEAL situation, barring abuse, narcissistic dysfunction in families, etc.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Moon, you have come SO far since I first heard your voice.
I am dazzled.

I love the way you responded to one of his lies by saying, "Well that will have to be a mystery."

That's a brilliant response.

Steadiness to you, hon. You are SO doing the right thing by holding your ground.

Hops