Need a Little Help

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you so much Brigid

I believe that I can make it into that ocean but I can't see it or hear it or even smell it from where I am.
But it really helps to hear you say it.  Thank you for holding my hand through it.  I am so very thankful
to have encouragement and support.   - your friend - GS

[Hopalong]

some of the things he did were even worse than what I experienced growing up

 

GS, I wish there were a way I could send you gifts that would gently slip into your mind a sense of wonder, a wave of feeling the abundance of being alive. Virtually, I'll try (pick anything you like!):
a baby bird in the palm of your hand, a bloom that has a fragrance so beautiful that a part of you is in shock saying 'I can't believe it', an afternoon hour in the most beautiful pool of warm water, with fountains dropping each drop like music, in a completely safe and quiet garden

I wish you every possible hope for moving through, so you may feel pure aliveness again. I do have faith it is within you.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Many thanks Hops - my great encourager, many thanks.

[WRITE]

Has anyone had the experience of dealing with issues of a lifetime one after another?

yes, and it's taken me a few goes. By which I mean I have 'backslid' eg remarrying ex when I knew it wouldn't work, or losing confidence to work on my career, or gaining tons of weight etc.

Today's  been really hard, it's draining sometimes havign so many terminally ill clients, had news about someone with terminal cancer, then my friend today was very confused & the nursing home seemed unresponsive. FInding someone to speak to made me late for getting my son from school, then we were on the run to get to baseball and I was bad-tempered and had to apologise for that.

Tonight I had a mixed evening. Wonderful theatre ( Sweeney Todd- almost operatic ) but the couple I went with are notorious for acting out and being sexual in public- I asked them not to and they were more restrained but still made me feel uncomfortable. I won't go out with them together again.

Driving home the tears started flowing, but none of the scripts in my head were there any more, I just cried my tears and thought about the stuff of the day, then focused on the more positive ( I got another regular gig, patched up a misunderstanding and wrote a poem! )

It probably doesn't seem much to most people but a few tears born of 'fatigue/tiredness/loneliness' would have sent me spiralling down a few weeks ago.

Hang in there GS, you are going to be fine. Healing from trauma takes as long as it takes,

I can't see it or hear it or even smell it from where I am.

but you know it's there!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Write,
You are so poetic, and something about the way you write (no pun intended) makes me feel the actual rhythm of your life.

I am sorry about your sadness but glad about your tears and your acceptance of them...and then how you simply tilted your controls (I see Pilot Write) and aimed for a warmer wind and things to be happy about.

Can't express how much I admire you.

Hops

[WRITE]

I am comign to realise sadness is a part of the rhythmn of life- it's just my early neglect and subsequent inability to make good relationship connections made it unbearable.

Losing that whole script spiral has been the hardest thing- internalising that just because someone does something which hurts they're not worthless and neither am I.

Can't express how much I admire you.

ditto!

How are you getting on with the job search?

And how are you GS? How was your week?

[Certain Hope]

Dear Gaining Strength,

  This was true for me, as well:  some of the things he did were even worse than what I experienced growing up and that was probably the thing that pushed me over the edge.

Association with him was akin to an affliction with emotional leprosy, as bits and pieces of what had been vital and vibrant grew corrupted and eventually disintegrated, dropping off.  I just want to stand in agreement with you on this:

 Only after his death did I begin think that he had a personality disorder - BPD.  Had I known or thought that before he died I might have been able to adjust my responses to him.  I don't feel guilty because I couldn't have known.

You could not have known. Adjusting your responses to him would not have changed his condition.

GS...   Instead of getting support, he resented any achievements I made and he completely denied my own expereince of growing up in my FOO.  He would belittle me complaints about my father's treatment and would turn what I had told him against me.  It was a very lonely betrayal.

This sounds NPD to me, not Borderline PD.

You know, there's been nothing linear or organized about my own healing. I feel alot like Pennyplant in that regard... it's quite messy at times. I'm just wondering whether your marriage and issues related to your deceased husband may hold just as many paths to the "way through" as does your FOO. There's something about the utter disillusionment which appears to be at "the bottom" which is deceiving, I think. To me, it's not the bottom at all, but rather the first rung on the ladder upward.

You're getting there, Gaining Strength. It's clear as day to me.

Love,
Hope

P.S.  (((((((((((((Brigid)))))))))))))   just because it's been awhile.

[Hopalong]

Hi Write,
Job search is floating in front of my forehead and right now I'm too swamped to attend to it.
I'm trying on some less panicky thoughts for a while.
I will have unemployment for six months, have a roof over my head.

I'm trying to be expectant and open up to new possiblities...
no concrete action before the wknd though.

Hope you're easing up on yourself, dear.
You didn't waste your time, or your life.
You bring all the richness of your experience, good and bad, along with you...

((((Write))))

Hops

[WRITE]

Association with him was akin to an affliction with emotional leprosy, as bits and pieces of what had been vital and vibrant grew corrupted and eventually disintegrated, dropping off.

it's something I think about a lot now, what damage gets done by staying in an unhealthy situation/ relationship.

there's been nothing linear or organized about my own healing. I feel alot like Pennyplant in that regard... it's quite messy at times.

maybe it's a lifelong thing, recovery. I mean as soon as we think 'ok, I'm fine now' we stop growing? Recovery from trauma and not reliving it constantly is a good stage to get past though- I have just reached a place where I feel safe to be happy and make longer term decisions and relax in the moment and enjoy it.

Association with Ns and other difficult people is an emotional leprosy, their sickness takes over every situation and being in close quarters eventually infects us.

I will have unemployment for six months, have a roof over my head.

that's a good start.

I'm trying to be expectant and open up to new possiblities...
no concrete action before the wknd though.

why don't you try some visualisation techniques. Sarah Breathnach says we should all have a board ( under my bed! ) with meaningful pictures and words we move around and project out goals and examine the anxiety and excitement etc that generates.

I know when I am up against it as you have been the past few years I cannot commit to anything long-term without panic, just getting through each day is enough.

Having a fantasy place to plan when things get better might be useful. I find it spills into my wriiting too!

[Gaining Strength]

Soo much pain today.  - Hope I can make a little clearing in all this pain.
reliving too many memories, trying to revise them
Need to feel of some value
Just posting to excise the pain
Not needing answers - GS

[Hopalong]

GS,
When I'm depressed I go to bed and don't want to move, ache all over, inside and out.

I think I can think my way through it. But sometimes I realize I may need to smell, move, breathe, move, walk, touch, sing.

Any way to entice you to take a little walk?

Hops

[WRITE]

Just posting to excise the pain
Not needing answers

did you have a long tiring week?

Do something good for yourself tonight or the weekend.

[moonlight52]

Today I looked at photo's of my twin brother (who passed away at 27)I have not done this in a long time.

I saw his face that indescribable face I love so much.

Brave for me to do and I let myself feel sad and cry in pain but also I remembered how funny we were like a comedy team.
So there were the tears but the memories of our laughter is my joy.

The laughter and the deep love that is what I wish to share on this Earth.

MOON

[October]

Not needing answers - GS

((((((((((((GS))))))))))

You don't need answers, because you are the answer. 

I dare say a few less questions would be nice, though.   

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((Gaining Strength))))))))

When you get caught in the flood of many waters, that Hand which hung the stars in their places and calls each one by name will lift you to safety.

Thinking of you...

with love,
Hope