Hi Chris,
Re:
the narcissist's child always has a balance dueWith my parents, it was always clear that the balance due was to be rendered in the form of never questioning anything and simply agreeing to be a puppet on a string. But... they're not full blown NPD. My mother is very N'ish; I'm really not sure what my Dad is.
For 3 years I was married to a totally NPD man with every single criteria for the disorder running at full tilt, making my parents seem fairly innocuous... till I landed here at this group.
Before I forget, I've heard of something called "Inverted Narcissism", but haven't researched it. It's occurred to me that maybe my father fits that bill... he has certainly enabled my mother's absolute domination of the home throughout their marriage.
Re:
I wonder if mimicry is one of the ways in which narcissistic parents look for payback? They want you to like what they liked, because that feeds the never ending hunger for validation.Yes X 100,000. Each wanted me to be their own personal carbon copy. Unfortunately, they are like the old Oscar/Felix Odd Couple in personality, so I pretty much felt like a wishbone for most of my life.
To clarify re: the freebie trinket my Dad gave... it wasn't for a birthday gift or any special occasion, but he did make a bit of a grand presentation about it and his "fit" when I "rejected" it stands out in my memory as one of his few temper tantrums in all these years.
Yes to the immaturity and dramatics.
He played you and your mother off against each other. Yes, always and in all ways. Constantly.
Did he buy himself cheap nasty things too?No, he let my mother do that for him. She always had the best, while he made do with a little old junk. If she bought him a new pkg of socks, for instance, she'd put one or two pair into his drawer and stash the rest, as though to ration them out, so that he wouldn't mess them all up at once. She has always treated him like a child. He will wear old junk shoes, sometimes 2 different socks... he gets a kick out of looking like a bum... except for Sunday mornings, when he puts on the air of royalty for "divine service". ugh.
Think about what a normal person would do with a junky promo object. Dispose of the object, or ask if the potential recipient wants it, making it clear that the object had been a giveawayYes, you're right.
I feel sick. Sometimes I think he's creepier than my mother. But she will give me her old, used junk, or anything that is flawed. For years I was like the keeper of all her old treasures. She'd buy new and give me the old stuff, like I was s'posed to cherish it in perpetuity. Once she had purchased a cheap plastic serving dish, clear blue plastic, but messed it up trying to get the price sticker off with nail polish remover. The acetone fogged the plastic, making it no longer "perfect", so she presented it to me. Why not... I wouldn't mind. Obviously, my standards are far lower than hers.
Sorry this is out of order... kinda freaking me out here. Back to the trinket gift...
You were set up. Your Ndad knew what your response would be. It never occurred to me that he was so calculating, but he sure is bizarre. You may be right. He has certainly set me up in the years since, trying to use me as his sounding board when he complains about my mother's latest antics. He goes on and on in weekly letters about how much he misses us, etc, etc. , but he never listens, not to anyone. His hearing is quite bad, but he has hearing aids... won't use them. And when I finally wrote recently, a lengthy letter, telling him that I was planning to be baptized, he ignored it completely.
He's written back since, but never mentioned the matter. He's a dyed in the wool Lutheran (infant baptism and all) and raised me as such. I guess his way of addressing my baptism was to tell me some quote of Martin Luther's re: not having beer in heaven, so we should drink all we can here. Then he wrote, "I'm glad to be a Lutheran." That was it. He drinks alot. Always has.
umm... he makes alot of wooden stuff for my kids. One really odd thing is this huge rectangular block ... about 2 1/2 ' X 1'.... with my son's name and dad's name and a year date, all in cut out wooden letters .... good Lord, the thing looks like a grave marker. Other things he's made for my son, who's 10 now, often have Dad's name and age marked on them... very morbid stuff. He's 86 now and so for 16 years he's been telling us all how he's past his "threescore and 10". Good grief.
Did he also walk in on you in your bedroom or the bathroom? His behavior makes it very clear that he viewed you as his "girlfriend" at least in your father-daughter interactions. No, not that I recall and this never occurred to me either. He's very touchy feely. As a little girl, I was supposed to come kiss him goodnight. Not my mother, him. They were side by side in their bed, but I don't remember even walking over to her side. Just him.
He always made sure his lips were good and wet and gooey just for that. I hated it.
I have 4 children. My 15-yo looks alot like me and he has always paid special attention to her. I have seen her shy away. Well, he always smells like liquor, so I shy away, too.
My children's father sexually molested my oldest. My dad was at our house visiting when the whole mess came to light, many years ago.
When I told him what I'd discovered, he asked me, "Are you sure she's not making it up?" For years, he didn't get it. Wouldn't come to terms with it. He kept encouraging me to get back with the pervert. He was so dense, almost easy-going about it that finally my mother asked him whether he had ever done anything like that. He told me she'd asked him that and how much it hurt him.
I'd better stop.
Hope
On edit.... another weird deal... he'll make his wooden crafts for other people at church and then tell them that it's from me... what in the world that is about I have no clue. He sends me cards that other people have sent him and then tells me to save them for him. It's like he wants me to see how important he is to these other people. I really don't understand.
