Prayer/Vibes/Good Thoughts Request

[Hopalong]

I am always embarrassed when I ask for this (that's the agnostic part) but I can't help it, there's a part of me that believes this kind of invisible support actually manifests in some way (I sound like a bra commercial).

Would any of y'all who are willing send me some good whatever you trust most around 11:45 AM? I'm seeing my doctor in advance of my forced retirement. A friend has pushed me to ask him about certifying me for disability because of my back. It never occurred to me. But now that she mentions it, it's true, I can't do the normal activities of the jobsI'm capable of (if in fact I could get considered, I've had 2 interviews since December) because I can't sit in a chair for long periods, and my back's gotten so much worse that even with regular walk and stretch breaks, a day in an office leaves me in pain many evenings. I literally spend every evening and weekend flat in bed, and the more I work the worse it gets. Getting the disability retirement would make a huge difference in my security as well. And I can continue to write as a freelancer (in bed on my laptop whenever I need to get my spine horizontal)...that's just subtracted.

I could do some kind of surgery, but I don't really want to have my spine opened up just so I can sit in a chair for nine more years. And the results are a gamble anyway. Without a FT office job, I can manage my back, and even improve it some. And live a simple but positive life.

I guess I don't feel as though I'd be a parasite on society to accept the disability insurance. It would be a humble income but a fair one, I think. And I'd try to earn the privilege by writing things that could be a contribution.

Anyway, if you're inclined, I'd be grateful for a thought in my direction as I talk to my doctor today. It's down to the wire so all the decisions would have to happen now.

Thanks, all.

Hops

[Portia]

I like your friend!

invisible support actually manifests in some way (I sound like a bra commercial).

Getting my vibe-o-laser-ray cranked up for some serious UPLIFTING positivity for er…<counts on fingers> ..4.45pm Brit ‘Summer time…. and the living for Hops will be easier….’

Who knows what invisible thought fields do, whether they exist or not? I don’t know. I’m a bit dubious (you guessed? ) but that doesn’t mean that something doesn’t exist so ….. you got it.

I guess I don't feel as though I'd be a parasite on society

Good!  Don’t! Coz you wouldn’t won’t be.

Have you practised your stagger recently? Have you got a stick? Get a stick quick. Or is it a ‘cane’ out there? Something long and hard to rap the doctor’s desk with. No not one of those either.

I really like your friend!

[Overcomer]

Sending prayers your way!!!  Luck.  Karma. Vibes.  Positive Attitude.  Hope all is well with you today and it works out!!

[Brigid]

Dear Hops,
I hope it works out to your advantage.  I have back problems too, and it really sucks.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

Brigid

[moonlight52]

Hops,

Sending so much support and prayer to you.

moon

[Hopalong]

Thank you all so much.
It went smoothly. I like and trust my doctor, who happens to be conservative, so I was worried he would think I was a parasite. There's some shame attached to the idea of accepting a disability retirement. (I look normal. I can walk two miles. I just can't SIT IN CHAIRS for longer than an hour without pain, or on a good day, two. And that unfortunately is what writing/editing jobs, in offices, require...hours and hours glued to a computer, sitting IN A CHAIR.) I've left nothing untried...physical therapy, 5 or 6 epidural injections into my spine, drugsdrugsdrugs...and it's just deteriorated a lot. I am one step shy of spinal surgery and I doggone well don't want to go through that just to prop up my body to SIT IN CHAIRS for another nine years until I reach retirement age.) When I can set my own schedule I can listen to my body, tune into its signals, lie down several times, stretch, walk, just stay tuned in...and I can still function well. But the chair-in-cubicle thing is misery. I'm on my third office chair.

I think a braver, more self-sacrificing person would struggle on. Find a clerical job and keep typing for the next decade. But I don't want to. I can even rebuild my back health to some degree, I know it. But I can't do it when I'm in a chair. At work I've done stretch breaks walk breaks water breaks...arrrggghh.

Anyway, that reflects my inner struggle. A friend had suggested I ask about the disability coverage months ago, and I just dismissed it. But as the deadline for my job to run out got so much closer, I let the thought back in.

The doc seemed sanguine about it and promised to send in the form right away, and the workplace benefits person willingly walked me through all the forms, etc. It will be some time before I know whether the state review panel accepts or denies the application. My doc said he's seen people who deserve it turned down, and people who don't be accepted. So there's no guarantee. I'm glad I've tried though. Feels like a strike for my life.

The one tricky and scary part is I have to tell my boss tomorrow that as of tomorrow I am officially on medical leave. I didn't know they'd have to file that part right away, but that's what the benefits counselor advised, so I followed her instructions. She said not to hold off, in case he got the idea to formally "retire" me, which he hasn't done so far. (Felt safer confiding in her than I would him, ever, since he's manipulated my job so many times already to his advantage.) Anyway, I would not dream of abandoning him and this big grant mid-stride...but tomorrow I must tell him that I will be finishing the editing on a volunteer basis. I am willing, even eager, to do this... I couldn't leave it halfway. But it will be emotionally difficult for him to just let me tell him what the story is (because if I hadn't filed this today he would have let me work my heart out until the end of the month and then tossed me out of the system). I am now officially filed for medical leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act, which he cannot challenge, and it maintains my salary for up to six months while we wait for the disability decision (hopefuly it will just be a few weeks). So, because he's an N, he will be pissed that I went around him and defied him, and that it's going to cost him paying me a month or two of salary beyond the date he'd planned to. (That's as far as his concern goes, I think, though I'd be pleased to find out differently.) What I'm hoping is that the "other channel" inside him, which I have sensed at times--on some level he knows he's treated me shabbily, and he is quite religious--anyway, I hope that other channel is the one that responds to my news.)

I know it will be an annoyance to him for a month or so. But the difference to me is double the security, partial income including 3 kinds of insurance...for the rest of my life. As opposed to a tiny pension that wouldn't even basic health insurance payment.

I hope he can live with it. I've got to do some work on feeling that I'm entitled to it...without fearing that I'm being "entitled", if you know what I mean. I do worry about it. But as I type my back and leg burn, and I have another very uncomfortable day editing ahead. When it's acute and I simply have to come home and edit in bed, he has never minded. But I can't find another job, and most other employers here will not be flexible that way.

I am very grateful for the support you sent today and would be deeply appreciative of another thought tomorrow, although I don't know what time I'm meeting with him.

Thank you,

Hops

[WRITE]

glad it went well and good luck for tomorrow.

I've got to do some work on feeling that I'm entitled to it...

er Hops: you're entitled to it.

Now stop worrying that you're not- that doesn't help your back.
You'll be a new woman after a few week's leave, maybe that will 'prove' it to you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Portia]

Hey Hops

I think a braver, more self-sacrificing person would struggle on.

I think a martyring idiot would struggle on. Seriously. For what? Struggle on for what?

Anyway, I would not dream of abandoning him and this big grant mid-stride.

Why not? Abandoning? Are you the only person in the world who can do this? What if you’d been knocked down by a bus yesterday? Would it all collapse? Crunch time Hops requires crunchy words (well you got 'em anyway).

I hope he can live with it.

So do I because he has no other option. This your health and life Hops. Not some bloody bit of unimportant paperwork piece of drivel. Either you value your life, or you value other people’s petty ambitions and aims above your life.

Just stick to the facts and if he displays emotion, so what. Repeat to yourself, inside SO WHAT very loudly in your heart. So what! this is about you, not him.

You deserve. You have rights. You know, I feel like coming over there and telling him so! haha not good idea. Please do it for me, inside your heart?

((((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))

[Portia]

Hops, please tell human resources first (is the benefit counsellor from your work or not?)

Please arrange a meeting fast with someone from HR who understands the situation. Explain it all to them first. You need support from inside the organisation because you are afraid of your boss (you are Hops).

Talk it through with them before you arrange to meet him. And then get someone from HR to accompany you to the meeting with him.

You'll find, i bet, that they will support amd help you. They don't want a law suit on their hands.

This is serious stuff Hops, please believe that your life is serious too!

[Stormchild]

Hops, darlin' are you NUTS?

Listen to yourself:

"Felt safer confiding in her than I would him, ever, since he's manipulated my job so many times already to his advantage."

"I would not dream of abandoning him and this big grant mid-stride..."

"I will be finishing the editing on a volunteer basis. I am willing, even eager, to do this... I couldn't leave it halfway."

"... if I hadn't filed this today he would have let me work my heart out until the end of the month and then tossed me out of the system."

"... because he's an N, he will be pissed that I went around him and defied him, and that it's going to cost him paying me a month or two of salary beyond the date he'd planned to."

Now, let's review. You are suffering from chronic, excruciating pain. It is sufficiently severe and obvious that even a conservative physician finds your claim credible. You are working for a man who has repeatedly taken advantage of you, and is about to throw you out on your ear KNOWING YOU HAVE THIS CONDITION. You are seriously contemplating risking losing your disability claim, by AGREEING TO CONTINUE TO WORK FOR HIM WHILE ON LEAVE. You know that it will cheese him off to have to continue to pay you [by the way, FMLA grants up to 90 days of UNPAID leave. I know, because I have taken it.] You know that he would toss you out onto the street without a dime, and you don't even trust him to give you a good reference. Yet you would put your disability pension in jeopardy for his sake?

Hops, for God's sake, stop enabling people who abuse you, and start taking care of yourself, and of those who have a legitimate right to your care. Take the energy you are prepared to squander on this reprehensible user, and spend it with your friends. Work out your lower back muscles. See a chiropractor. Find out why what this man thinks of you still matters more to you than how he treats you. Do something that will actually benefit yourself and others... something that doesn't benefit an abusing N at your expense. You're permitted. It's allowed. Go for it!

[Hopalong]

Wowser Storm.
Another friend of mine suggested I be very wary of helping him unpaid.

This is a tough place to stick, but I think this is a sticking point for me. I am not going to dump this project without warning. A lot of people's salaries depend on the grant, so it wouldn't just be him who's damaged. Also, I want to look back and feel good about how I treated them, regardless of how they are treating me.

So...my compromise is going to be to tell him, whatever I can do for you from my bed at home to finish things up for the rest of the month, I'm happy to do, but it's strictly between us. I had already told the benefits and disability advisors the truth. I can write fine on my laptop in bed at home with my knees up. I just can't sit in a chair as my main position for my livelihood. (Nor can I work in a store lugging clothing or books around, and standing all day.) Sounds pathetic! Can't sit, can't stand. Well I can, but just for short periods. If someone valued me enough to put a BED in the office, I'd be fine! 

He needs my help enough that I am hopeful he will just accept it for the rest of the month and leave it alone. I do think it's possible.

Thanks for warning me, but I can't see any way around offering to help from home. It's just conscience. I did not go into this to sabotage his grant...

BTW, Storm, the benefits person said they have to hold my position open for six months, and if disability is granted, I am paid full salary for the first 125 days of the FMLA leave. My focus isn't short-term finances, though. It's just security for the longer haul.

Better get rolling...thanks for caring, all. Warnings received and I will proceed with caution.

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS--Storm, hope I'm being coherent and hope I grasped it all.

Here's how I understood things from our benefits counselor (I work for a state):

1) we filed the disability claim first, by phone (she called it in and we did it together on speaker phone)
2) my doctor is sending in the forms to the underwriter
3) as a separate step, she, the benefits counselor (told me, I am approving this, not him) legallly put me on Family/Medical Leave. She said, he cannot challenge this...this holds your position for 125 days.
4) I have to take him a form to sign and then I return it to her
5) So maybe you're right, I confused the disability with the FMLA...I honestly don't care if I'm paid thru the Act or not, because if the disability is granted, it's retroactive payment...but I do think she said theh FMLA does continue my salary for now

Anyhow. Now I'm getting confused but I do know I feel better inside. A sense of relief. (All of which is pending the approval of the claim, which may or may not happen!)

Off to workland.
thanks Portia, for all the support and you too Storm

I am very very very very very very very grateful.

love
Hops

[WRITE]

my compromise is going to be to tell him, whatever I can do for you from my bed at home to finish things up for the rest of the month, I'm happy to do, but it's strictly between us

the last bit doesn't seem right- the strictly between us. Won't he manipulate that if he decides to try and jeopardise things for you?

If he is N or a bully one thing they struggle with is when they think someone else has it better than them. The boss who bullied me years ago threw a fit when she knew about my paid maternity leave etc because 'there was none of that when i had my children' and there was no logical rationale with her, she really felt personally slighted because a situation had changed in 15 years which made me a bit better off than her in her mind...

Take some work home if you must but I would be reluctant to be too accomodating, especially if it can be used against you.

If someone valued me enough to put a BED in the office, I'd be fine!

well it's hardly the most difficult thing to acheive in the workplace. If yur employers value you they will do what they can to support you and get you back. If they don't then you have to look at it that they will replace you, you are just a commodity to them and you have to take care of yourself.

It's just conscience. I did not go into this to sabotage his grant...

you can't take responsibility for that. Don't overcommit yourself Hops, being home on bedrest is meant to help you not get you tied up in another workplace scenario!

What's the least it can do- buy you some time.
You've already felt precarious in this job for ages.

[seasons]

Hi Hops, it's been a while.

I wanted to add my prayers and thoughts for you. You have been going thought lots since I'm been here, I'm sorry for your struggles.

You have recieved great support.  With best wishes. seasons

[Hopalong]

Thank you everyone!
Staggeringly, he put up no resistance (likely because I promised to see his grant through from home...which he accepted instantly, of course). He even said, "That makes a lot of sense."

Unless he has the time and energy to try to fight it, if the medical panel approves it, I'm okay. For the first six months, and then there'll be another doctor appt. before it becomes retirement approval.

So...it's pending the panel's decision, but the benefits counselor told me she thinks it's very likely going to be yes...

I'm guardedly hopeful. If it actually happens, then I'll want to process the irrational shame (what? I'm not productively editing grants?)...and then...and then...I think I'll feel better, younger, and have a sense of freedom and peace I haven't had in many years.

Fingers crossed! (I am positive it was your invisible support that helped me stay steady and calm when I presented him with the facts--plus the form he needed to sign).

THANK YOU.

Hops