'Holidays'

[WRITE]

maybe this year we should all start preparing early for the holidays, which can be a traumatic N time.

I was writing about it yesterday, I have to say I don't look forward to them at all.

The Halloween Party ex has already threatened to be 'superior' if El Crusho shows...

Thanksgiving we were planning to travel together to friends, but I decided no, it's too stressful to holiday together any more.

I'll go over to X-man's and he'll cook, maybe we'll have people over for drinks, then I'll go sale shopping with a friend next day.

Christmas is the easiest really- I'll be working a lot and ex will do all the prep. at his new place.

Last year I went into shut-down mode though, slept the whole day. Memories of all those stressful days just wore me out....so many years I made an effort and he'd trash it or sleep through it, or we'd have visitors and he would be rude. He can't remember doing any of this now.

Last year we went to see that King King movie, I was dozing all the way through, the movie is interminable too, by the end I was wanting to yell- push the monkey off the building, let's go home!

What are everyone else's plans for the holidays?

How many people feel pressured to do stuff they don't want to?

[Portia]

Good idea to start this one early Write.

I shall cook, eat, take a short trip across the channel and back, decorate this room in red and green, be thankful that the daylight gets longer, feed the birds, drink some port, crack some nuts and wonder why I send cards to my mother’s family when 80% of them don’t ever send me one. I generally don’t like Christmas but I don’t do very much that I don’t want to. Does your son like it, does he get to choose what to do (I’m thinking King Kong wasn’t your choice)?

[Brigid]

Write,
Do you imagine that you will continue to do holidays with your ex once the divorce is final?  When you were divorced, did you continue to celebrate holidays together?  Do you do that for your sake or your son's?  Have you considered the idea of each celebrating with him separately?  That way you can predict how the day will go and just enjoy your time with your son without the potential drama of your stbx. 

Tomorrow is the 3-year anniversary of the day my ex walked out.  For the sake of the kids (I thought), I let him come for Thanksgiving dinner that year.  That was the last time we have ever done anything as a family.  I cried through most of it, while he just acted like everything was perfectly normal and what was there to be upset about.  The kids were traumatized and didn't know what to say or how to feel.  That year,and the following, I took the kids and left town for the Christmas holidays and we had a wonderful time.  They didn't miss being with their dad one bit.

Once the divorce was final, the decree states that we get every other holiday and split Christmas and Christmas eve.  He will have them for Thanksgiving this year and we haven't discussed Christmas.  My first Thanksgiving without the kids was hard--it was the first time I had ever not been with them for a major holiday.  Since I don't have any family to spend it with, a good friend invited me to come spend it with her family.  This year, I will spend it with my b/f and his family.  His kids will also be with their mom, but he has other family in the area.

My kids would not want us spending those days pretending we were still a family.  My daughter did not even want us sitting together at her graduation (which I wouldn't have done anyway).  It is more awkward for them to have us all in the same place than separate.  We are always cordial to each other in their presence, but they know what he did to me and how I really feel about him and his behaviors, so they know it is an act on my part.

It gets easier with each year that passes.  I have continued to decorate the house for the holidays every year--even when I cried through the entire process the first year (and still a lot through the second as it became even more real).  Hanging 3 stockings instead of 4 always drove home the point more than anything.  I had needlepointed each stocking and put hundreds of hours into each of them and I had to leave my ex's in the box.  I intend to save it for my first grandchild and will just change the name on it.

Brigid

[Portia]

Brigid

I wouldn't have wanted my parents to remain married, and I don't like seeing them together now (very very rare event). A hug re tomorrow ((((((((((((Brigid))))))))))

[condeezi]

Isn't it sad to say that now that i am divorced and both parents have passed, the holidays are much more relaxed. it was always walking on eggshells and waiting for the drama that would inevitably ensue.  why do people that we love make our lives so full of tension?  my children and i will cook and hopefully no one will get in an argument. my daughter is supposedly bipolar, but i am not sure that is the correct diagnosis - she needs to get good help. medication helps when she takes it as she should. i feel everyone should  do what they like - whatever they are comfortable with and they enjoy.  i don't believe (and never have) that just because it is the holidays we should get together and pretend to be people we aren't. do what makes you happy.

[Hopalong]

I have invited my mother's 93 y/o gentleman friend for Xmas afternoon...He has all his marbles and is extremely literate so I'll enjoy him. I'm getting simple little funny gifts for him. I already told them both the meal would be an omelet. I won't do turkey for us since I am tired of the industry...

I'll decorate the house sometime after Tgiving to make Ma happy; gave in a few years back and bought artifical greenery and have it pretty well systematized.

Otherwise I will avoid the whole subject as long as possible.

bah humbug.

Sacred music, one candle lit, peace on earth...is all I want.
I loathe the rest, and when Mom's gone, I will have a simple Christmas.

I've often thought that instead of the lights, wreaths, etc., what I'll do when a home is my own is find a simple peace-dove lighted tube, blue, and hang it in the front window. One dove. That's it until all the wars are over. And sign up early to volunteer at the hospital or soup kitchen or nursing home, so I don't sit around and feel sorry for myself.

Hops

[WRITE]

wonder why I send cards to my mother’s family when 80% of them don’t ever send me one.

'cos you're kind and they're ignorant!

Have you considered the idea of each celebrating with him separately?

you know, I haven't!
Sounds stupid, I know, but the thought never entered my head....I am just assuming we'll still be able to do that.

I guess if/when we get other partners they won't be too keen!

I had needlepointed each stocking and put hundreds of hours into each of them and I had to leave my ex's in the box.  I intend to save it for my first grandchild and will just change the name on it.

it's the little things hurt the most somehow. I like your turning it to something positive though.

why do people that we love make our lives so full of tension?

hi Condeezi. Do non-problem families do this?
I remember being so jealous as a child of the families where everything was calm and pleasant. I never wanted to go home....

Sacred music, one candle lit, peace on earth...is all I want.
I loathe the rest, and when Mom's gone, I will have a simple Christmas.

I used to love it but I don't like the waste and over-indulgence now, and the memories of so many unhappy times looking at the lights through tears and pretending everything is okay for visitors.

What would you do for your simple Christmas Hop? I like the idea of a whole bunch of candles and green things I've dragged in from the snowy woods...not likely in TX I know!

[Hopalong]

Walllllll, cowpoke........
Write, might sound funny and I'd likely cave in to some odd idea, but I really WOULD like to have just one candle lit, immerse myself in a lot of sacred music, and volunteer for some people who need company somewhere.

That's it!

HoHoHops

PS--if I had money, and could find a peaceful non-programmed intellectual sort of laid-back cruise in a hot place, I'd do that....

[pennyplant]

Who to spend the holidays with.  My family is fragmented.  We used to spend it with my father's relatives.  They are very tiresome now that I see what they are really like.  Just ignorant and loud.   And now the cousins are feuding and they want the rest of us to take sides.  Drive an hour to our house, not theirs.  I'm not planning to go to either one.

My mother still lives within an hour too.  She may want to plan something, if her husband seems like he might be holiday oriented this year.  Way more pressure than I need.

My husband's family is just as difficult.  One year, we thought we would try it because we figured his brother and sister would be there and we like them and get along well.  But it was held at his cousin's house, we have something of a bad history with her.  We actually started driving there.  It took an hour (of course) and the closer we got the more anxious we got.  So, we drove by, noticed no one else was there yet and made our decision.  We were certainly not going to be the first ones there.  What if nobody else we liked came or they came very late?  Yikes!  So, we turned around and went right back home.

Husband and son like staying home.  I do have a built-in excuse these days for not committing to anyone, or even telling the truth, (the truth is, "You're all annoying and greedy and boring and it's no fun with any of you.)  My job is pretty much 365 days a year, so I might have to work on the holidays or on the Sunday before or after.  And I won't know until the last minute.....  So.... we're not sure what we're doing and we'll have to wait and see.  Phew.

So, soon we will come up with some quiet things we would like to do.  And no, my oldest son in NYC does not come home for the holidays.  Everybody asks me about that, and I always say, he doesn't get paid time off and can't afford it.  The truth is, he hates it here in every way, though he likes us, in small doses, and will never come here again unless it is for a funeral or something else very important.

The holidays are pretty much manufactured and I'm glad to see that people on the board are coming up with their own customs and calmer ways. 

PP