Hi everyone,
This is my first post. I have realized since I was a child that something is not right with my relationship with my mother. I am an only child (female) and I grew up in a very abusive home. My father and my mother never seemed to be able to get along and I was forced to "choose" between them. My father used to get into rages and break up things in the house and threated to burn it down and things like that. He would also curse me repeatedly when he dropped me to school on mornings (ages 8-14) and drive exceedingly fast almost as though he wanted to crash the car. Once he almost did! He would say that I was a wicked child and I would become a whore like my mother and thing like that. I endured this every school day.
Our house was literally divided into two sections with furniture piled high in various corners. My mother made sure that I would walk only on her side of the house. Needless to say no friends ever came over to our house.
My mother on the other hand would encourage me to try to talk with my father about his behavior and would say that my interactions with him were examples of how horrible he was. I begged her to leave him but she insisted that she had to stay in the relationship because of me. There were times that I used to stand in front of my mother to defend her against him a she seemed unable to act. There were also times when I would imagine killing my father. I lived in constant fear for my life.
Eventually things got so bad that another person (I never found out who) noticed how my father used to rage at me in the car and spoke to my mother about it. It was only then that she decided to take out a restraining order against my father. Even after that, we all still lived in the same house and things only got worse (for me).
It was only when my mother found out that my father had a child with another woman with whom she knew he was having an affair (all through the marriage) that she divorced him.
I always felt that I replaced my father and became my mother's husband. She seemed glad to tell me horror stories about him, how I had to be careful that he wouldn't send someone to rape us, and about how he didn't love me and I became an emotional prop. I always had to listen to her talk forever about herself and what she felt and what she was doing. I wore the clothes that she liked. I lived like a mini her because I felt as though it was my responsibility to protect her. Yet, I found her to be cold and controlling but no-one else seemed to notice. I felt it was unsafe to disagree with her, as though she would hate me forever!
Jump forward about fifteen years. I am married now with children and thankfully my husband is very supportive. I have gone to therapy and read many, many books (Thank you Amazon!) on the topic. My therapist says that I should have been removed from that home and placed under special care. The problem is that now that I have started standing up for my self my mother has become spiteful and nasty (no surprise here). Here are some examples:
When I try to discuss the events of my childhood with her , the impact it has on me and her role in allowing these things to happen, she either claims not to remember, that it didn't happen or as she told me "...so you had a bad childhood, so what? Get over it."
She also once said to me" Imagine that your cousin (parents also divorced) tried to get in touch with her father. I can imagine how betrayed her mother feels."
One recent incident occurred when my son (7 years old) was really misbehaving. I told him to take a time out and wait outside (on a bench under a tree) until his dad got home. I called my husband and explained what was happening and said he was coming home right away.
When my mother found out she was very angry, accused me of emotional abuse and said that I should be the one to deal with my son. I explained to her that I felt it was time for a male (his father) intervention and that my husband was very responsible and he would talk to our son. Sometimes, as I had read, boys need to interact with a male figure. She said it was cruel and heartless to leave him outside like that and that it's the mother's responsibility to deal with the children. I explained to her that it would not be for long and that in fact my son was at the time playing with ants outside under the tree. He was fine.
The next thing I knew my mother appeared by my gate with her bigger sister in tow. My aunt rushed toward my son and hugged him as though he was dying and my mother came into the house saying that she was just passing by. I was livid! My mother looked at me as though she could not understand why I would be upset and to this day has never admitted that she was interferring.She doesn't know what I'm talking about. (My husband did come home and talk to our son and the situation was resolved)
Another time, I invited my mother to a small birthday get together I was having. She sat in the most remote corner of the living room by herself, almost facing the wall and sulking. I asked her if she wanted to come out to the area where we were cutting the cake and she refused saying that she did not know anyone (This is not true. In fact several of my friends whom she knew went inside to talk to her)
When the party was just getting good and every one was settled, she announced in front of one of my friends: "When is this thing ending. I'm ready to go. You need to drop me home!" I told her that I would not. She then sat down and started yawning loudly.
She now tries to manipulate me to make other people feel that I am selfish and cruel. I bought a book for her on Amazon and she kept insisting that I tell her the exact amount so that she could pay me. I told her not to worry about that. She asked me about it no fewer than five times and each time I would say the same thing but i was becoming very annoyed. Once she said it in front of my husband (I was glad that this time there was a witness). I got the feeling that she know this was upsetting me and she timed it for maximum effect.
Then one day we had an argument. This was once when I tried to ask her about my childhood and she accused me of wanting to kill her. I got so angry that I cursed her and told her she was poison and that I wanter to get away from her. I also told her that I wanted back the money for the book! ( I had to get that book thing off my chest) She broke down in tears and said that she was so hurt that her own child who she sacrificed so much for would ask her for money for a book. She called my husband to complain and told him that I needed help. Later on when things cooled down and I asked her why she kept insisting that she pay for the book, she said that she never did and that if she did ask the cost of the book it was only out of curiosity.
Another time she tried to persuade me to ask her lawyer to arrange to put my name on a piece of property that she owned. (I smelled that rat!) I told her that she would have to do this herself if she wanted to. She asked me again and I gave her the same reply. She said that I had never told her so before. About a month later she mentioned to me that she did not think that she needed to put my name on the property because "you know when parents get old, children can take advantage of them"
My mother and father were really like a rock and a very, very, very hard place.
Anyway I realize again how important it is for me to divorce myself emotionally from her. But sometimes I slip back and then feel like kicking myself. I actually get headaches anytime I am around her for too long. And I spend way too much time feeling guilty and thinking about her and how she upsets me. I now try very hard make sure that I don't become like her for the sake of myself, my husband and my children.
This is the first time that I have ever written anything like this for public viewing and I did not think so much would have come out. I feel a bit exposed but better. Thank you all for hearing me out.
