Twenty week plan!

[WRITE]

can I have a thread to get me through the next few weeks? Everything is so uphill getting divorced somehow, especially with my ex...he's taken to being moody again, last night he sat in the chair pretending to fall asleep whilst I was talking, I was really happy because a job I had been warned might fall through not only is it going ahead, but the new manager is going to double my hours in the new year and wants me to run it like I'd really like- one hour of music then one hour of one-to-one with some patients who are very sick who otherwise would not be getting attention. And she was very complementary & enthusiastic about my involvement.

But of course my pleasure at this good news triggered his N response, he said something about having less money than he thought and then started rolling his eyes and not listening.

For once I didn't get into it or him, so I suppose that's progress, but it really does show how slow that progress is, and how hard it is to operate without any empathy ina  relationship. I really felt quite dismissed and disrespected and yet he did very little except refuse to acknowledge my joy.

I had been talking about one of the patient's illnesses and the overtly sexualised behaviour, he is usually very knowledgeable and interested in these things but he said 'as someone who has made an inappropriate pass at a friend you should deal with that pretty easily!'

There have been several little digs lately about some of my worst moments during illness, and a few comments about when I start drinking again, though I have felt no compulsion to drink, actually the opposite.

I guess there's a bit of sour grape sabotage going on, plus we still have a few practical things which have been sources of stress, plus I will have to look at his money situation again...he has such extravagant gestures he may well commit himself to alimony he can't afford and then it will be an ongoing friction which he seems to take as evidence of being alive or something! ( sorry to be flipppant...)

Joking apart, this is the kind of stress which leaves me seriously deflated and often precipitates getting sick.

I want to take some Xanax and wake up in 20 weeks!

So I thought about how to plan the next few weeks and get through it and try to turn it into something positive overall.

20 weeks takes me to the end of March, so I'll set a few goals fr then:

*weight loss
by the end of march I can be at my perfect weight and shape if I continue to diet and exercise

*writing
I can have 5 chapters of my novel written I think

*apartment
I'll have to renew the lease by then so I'm going to take another 7 months and work towards buying a house in Novembe 2007- my original goal was to buy a house in March. I also plan by then to have everywhere looking tidy and pleasant and to entertain more!

*social life
I'm pretty isolated a lot of evenings, so I want to start a couple of new social activities.

I am going to dip my toe in the water of formal 'dating' and start the process with an agency or club, so I'll research that if not actually go out until I'm divorced: still feeling strange about that latter bit because I feel it's okay to go to dates, not okay to have a relationship until divorce is final ( wish I wasn't so weird about this kind of thing! )

Want to wean off spending so much time with ex.

*college
I'm going to enroll and complete at least one course by then.

So by March I want to be thin, fit, getting out and maybe dating, more qualified & have some of the novel done.

That's achievable.

I want to feel like life isn't so much on hold, that feeling that I am behind the starting line revving up and unable to move is making me unhappy.

And my plan to not see El Crusho isn't working to make me forget about him, I am thinkign about him more than ever! I just woke up at 5.30 am and I'm thinking about him.

Had coffee with my friend yesterday and she was blunt- I don't think he feels the same about you! It's probably that, but it's also I miss seeing him ( it is a delicious distraction to have a potential romance in the air ) plus I am resisting this urge that 'I screwed up' because now I don't have someone to hug me or go to concerts with....

I really need to reframe some of my thinking for the next few weeks, or I'll be quite depressed by march!

[gratitude28]

Wow Write!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a great plan!!! You are an inspiration!!!!!!
Yes, it does sound like your husband is experiencing a bit of sour grapes... no doubt he has some idea of what he has lost. I can only imagine that the divorce is painful in so many areas... I am sorry that you have to go through so much hurt.
I love your idea. I'd love to make my own 20 week plan. I am going to think and dream about it tonight and see what I really think I can accomplish in the way you have set out here.
(((((((((((((((((((write)))))))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

Well done WRITE.  I think this is a great prelude.  We are here for you while you struggle and move ahead.  I am sorry about your H's responses.  They sound so familiar - I even felt the kick in my stomach.  My late husband hated to see me get awarded for things.  It was so painful.  Just one week before my husband died, my picture was in the paper holding our little baby, for my work with children in the projects.  It was on a July 4th annual page called, "local heroes".  When I woke up that morning and wanted to go get the paper to see the picture he was very sarcastic about it. 

It took me a long time to understand how this behavior came out of his severe abandonment issues.  It still breaks my heart because I had hoped that we could nurture each other to wholeness, healing our similar, painful childhood wounds.  Not to be.

Sorry to go so long WRITE.  I really just meant to say I identified with you and then I got carried away.  I admire your goals and I will contemplate doing something similar in the new year. 

Progress through painful transitions is difficult to see but it is there.  We will support you through it.  We are your friends and we truly understand. - love, Gaining Strength

[WRITE]

Thanks Beth- if you could see me especially in the evenings, it's like a mood sine wave: positive, negative, fine, lonely, up, down....

It's so interesting my husband's behaviour. And sad. Never once has he said I want you or can we try again, it's just all anger....

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you lost your baby and were not supported by the only other person who should have known how you felt.

It still breaks my heart because I had hoped that we could nurture each other to wholeness, healing our similar, painful childhood wounds.  Not to be.

I am glad you are healing yourself though.

I will support you too, you've been through much more than I have and your grace shines through.

*******************************

Do my goals look realistic?
This is the point I usually start bungy-diving or deciding I need to train as a neuro-surgeon....then a few months into whatever I have started I can't handle all the pressure and start to fall apart.

My son is staying here tonight, he does have a friend to play with though and I am steeling myself for if he changes his mind; I did invite the friend over too and make plans with him and his friends for an activity tomorrow afternoon.

Feeling better this morning, thank you so much!

I just emailed the local church-I want to learn handbells and also to check out if their singles ministry is appropriate for an er older lady...

[Plucky]

Write,
your plan sounds great!  For me it would be very ambitious though, although you may have more time and energy than I do.  The onyl thing I wonder about is that you kind if want to transform yourself physically, but obviously you are already attractive enough to get a really cute guy interested, never mind that he is dysfunctional,  that's a different issue!  Are you trying to be more healthy, get back to the person you were, or do you actually think there is something wrong with your appearance before you can attract the people you want?

If I were in your shoes, I might just break down the plan week by week to see how much you need to accomplish every week, keeping in mind the hols are coming (and any other unusual events) and leaving some slack for if/when you fall behind.  Then you can better tell whether the plan is doable.    I find that often when my plans fail, I can look back and see that it was unrealistic in some respect.

Re your H:  It sounds as if you went to him for some empathy and to be happy at your happiness.  Maybe you should just go to your real friends for this.    My H I think is similar.  He will exhibit some human tendencies and I slide down into thinking he is going to be normal.   What you have with him may be a relationship or not, depending on your definition, but in my book it is in the category of forced relationship.  Most of the things that happen in real relationships do not happen in forced relationships, such as sharing, caring, and basically anything good.  Try to lower your expectations down to only what you really know you can get.  Do you feel you have to look after him still (alimony)?  Do you really?  What would happen if you didn't? 

Keep posting and we will be here to cheer you on. 
Plucky

[Hopalong]

Wow, Write.
I am very impressed at the ambition of it all. It's almost like you want to make up for "lost" (not wasted) years all at once!!

For me, a 20-minute plan might be more realistic.

Why don't you take it a week at a time so you don't set yourself up for self-criticism?

hugs,
Hops

[WRITE]

Hi Plucky and Hops. Thank you.

I re-read my goals, I think they're achievable except the dating- can't know how that'll go! You think it is ambitious Hops? Good thing I didn't tell you my bigger career goals then, you'll think I'm nuts!

I've dropped a lot of weight already, almost 40 lbs now, so on a roll with that. Re my self-image/ looks etc I gained a lot of weight when I was on the huge Seroquel dose a couple of years ago. I feel good about myself but the thought of getting naked before someone, which I haven't in a while, is still a bit daunting. I would certainly enjoy sex more if I felt trimmer for example!

But it's not how you look in attracting cute guys- El Crusho was much more attracted to me when I was bigger and looked less attractive ( is that a red flag?! ) non-threatening and vulnerability is attractive to a lot of guys. I have always turned some guys off because I don't act like I need taking care of and not all guys like confident women!

No, no self-criticism, I'm not too worried if something doesn't work except I'd like to finish dropping the weight- I just want to focus outside of my hurt self over the next few weeks, keep busy and get through it as best I can.

I just wish it was all over.

Talked to ex again re the alimony, he says he's fine with what we agreed and to go ahead with the paperwork. We walked the dog and bickered a bit about our parenting styles, but it was pretty good-natured. It was a lovely autumn evening. When I left I realised how much I still love him and how much better it is for me to divorce him and not keep trying to engage him and be hurt or let down, and make him feel bad about it too.

My son didn't come over to stay, also makes me realise we made the right decision for him to stay at Dad's- he's much happier than for ages. I will take him and his friends out tomorrow and Wednesday we'll do something just the two of us the whole day ( the only day I'm not working )

[Hopalong]

Write, imo this is such maturity:

I realised how much I still love him and how much better it is for me to divorce him and not keep trying to engage him and be hurt or let down, and make him feel bad about it too.

Rare, and wonderful.

Hops

[WRITE]

it is time I grew up! 

[moonlight52]

Write ,
You are inspirational And Isn't it so true when we are helping others or ourselves in goals it just feels so good.
Today was sort of up and down the best part of my day was helping my oldest d with two of her college classes one is the history of monarchy (which I love and so does she)
The other was a very dry communications class having to do with decision making in companies.

Well this was the high light of my day...
Yes you can achieve all your goals but for me I get nervous when I put a time dead line on it.
When you close one door you make room for such beauty to come into your life.

I re-read my goals, I think they're achievable
No, no self-criticism, I just want to focus outside of my hurt self over the next few weeks, keep busy and get through it as best I can.

Write your bigger career goals sound very interesting.What's on your mysterious list?????

Much love to you ,

moonlight

[WRITE]

Write your bigger career goals sound very interesting.What's on your mysterious list?????

it's no big mystery really, I always wanted to be a full-time writer and that is my long-term goal, to earn my living that way. It's my projects which sound a little bit far-off: a book on my work, a book a new Christianity ( which is started ) a novel ( which is started ) and a book of poetry ( which is started ) I intend to complete and publish all these!

About 6 months I should set for that you think ( smile )

Much love to you too.

[Plucky]

Hi Write,
you sound pretty happy! I am glad about that.  I feel better about your weight loss plan.  Not that it is any of my business, really.  But you are just trying to get back to yourself, and that is great.    That is a bit of a red flag about el crusho!  Hmmmmmm.

It must be so hard to still love your H and keep having to constantly re-realise that he is just not capable.    It makes it all that much more complex to heal.

Wishing you continued strength and joy.
Plucky

[WRITE]

Thanks Plucky. Yes I am happy. Isn't it incredible! I never thought I'd be happy just like that....and it's the simplest things seem to make it so every day.

The weight loss is positive on many levels- it's part of a holistic plan of self-care which is my way of dealing with having bipolar.

Having had a taste of serious illness I will no longer take my health and my body for granted, I have learned to appreciate and take care of it.

That is a bit of a red flag about el crusho!  Hmmmmmm.

well we're from extremely different backgrounds, and what is going on I think- a sexual attraction but I'm not interested in sex without a relationship ( not because I want to marry him though ) and he doesn't know how to initiate sex but say directly he doesn't want a marriage-type relationship....and we're both wary then when we see each other we don't know how to behave.

Because he won't let me get closer I can't explain to him about the bipolar so I use being still married as an excuse and I'm usually so open to things it sort-of comes off as a lie...and he is so cute he's got women throwing themselves at him all the time but- poor thing!- they all want relationships.

I think he wants to be with someone who is a free spirit but he can't quite be a free spirit himself and say that....

I am still not sure what the effect of an intense relationship or sex will be on the bipolar.

I've done some more research on the hormones etc and I think it may well be an unbalancing thing. So I have decided I have to feel safe and comfortable enough with the person to be able to explain it.

With el crusho he doesn't 'get' a lot, he's had a very sheltered very privileged life, there's a huge difference in our experience levels. He also has very rigid ideas about his faith and a sort-of parental relationship with G_d, and G_d is Jesus to him and he doesn't get anyone else's beliefs may be different but they are equally valid or logical!

I sense quite strongly that if we were to get together he is going to have a lot of ambivalence about his moral and social position and I'm still a bit fragile after all the rejection I've had to accept another one.

I know it seems like I over-analyse all this and is it healthy etc...it's the first time I've had really strong sexual or emotional feelings which haven't sent me scurrying around and pushing all my hormones and behaviour out of balance though.

It's an important test if I really can manage this illness and my life when I want something which is going to compromise my wellbeing and recovery.

For many years I have been unable to control this side of myself, I often wonder if it's why I chose to remain in a sexless marriage for so long, because I felt too out of control when I was sexually attracted or involved with someone.

The thing I don't like about el crusho is the thing I didn't like about my ex though- he won't communicate what he's thinking about us.

My therapist said to me a few days ago I read body language really well and I should trust it, if I feel someone's words and their actions are not in synch I am almost certainly right.

She said you can't infer motives or outcomes from that though- which of course we all try to do!

Writing all this out I see how far I have come in managing the bipolar- things are wobbling me and I am gently setting them right which I've never been able to do before.

The doctors say you can't- meds are the only way to control it. But with meds I feel nothing- I am surpressed, no creativity, no positive feelings, no energy.

I don't think doctors really understand bipolar 1 yet, and I think it's a completely different illness to bipolar 2 and both are syndromes which require a complete behavioural approach to managing them.

Whilst meds are the first port-of-call there's no impetus for patients to learn about their own physiology and get in tune with the mood swings and learn how to accept them.

I used to think it was unbearable, and even now sometimes it is difficult to be in one mood place and two hours later an opposite state, you have seen here how I can be posting so positively and happily then suddenly it falls away to despair and depression.

The key to managing it is really the interpretation of that though- not seeing it in terms of happiness or misery, but a s a natural cycle within me which will swing back and forth and respond strongly to life stimulii and my other cycles...strangely enough the key to living with it seems to be getting in balance which is the last thing a doctor suggests when you present with these extreme mood swings and a list of things you've done whilst out of control! It can be quite shocking to have an illness which cuts down boundaries and social norms, there's a reaction to that.

Then when the patient stays out of balance and out of control it seems to reinforce the medical view that only meds can control it!

My ex said yesterday 'your bad days are worse than everyone else's but your good days are better' and he's right. And this thread-  I don't have any problem with goal-setting and overcoming resistance and achieving my potential. It's very rare for me to set myself a reasonable goal and not achieve it. My fear of failure is very low- I know that an energy swing is coming which will ride the next crest for me, take me to something else. It's a very liberating thing, mental illness, with the right attitude.

One of my alzheimers patients when she first joined us her daughter spent a lot of time there. They have a very conservative background and mum heard the music and got up and started to dance. The daughter pulled her back down, embarrassed, and said 'she would never have done this before'. A few weeks later and the daughter no longer visits, but the mother dances every day...maybe in a lifetime of no dancing it's part of the balance of things we get to dance freely at the point of letting go?

[Plucky]

Hi Write,
go ahead and analyse the relationship with el crusho - what is the risk? Maybe the thng itself was not very deep, but the issues it touched on were, and why not explore them when it matters a lot less than it will in the future?

As far as meds and bipolar -  I am far from expert on this, but I do think that many things that are considered incurable and extreme now will later be subject to a simple correction based on inputs to the body, such as diet, light, herbs, who knows!  In the 18th and 19th centuries, things such as bad eyesight and painful teeth were corrected, and they were certainly a big obstacle for many people.  In the 20th century it was depression and diabetes.  Soon it may be autism, bipolar, and other currently misundertood conditions.

Plucky

[WRITE]

Thanks Plucky!

Maybe the thng itself was not very deep, but the issues it touched on were, and why not explore them when it matters a lot less than it will in the future?

I think so.

What may be unhealthy I guess is still thinking about him in a relationship context when he has made it clear he isn't relationship material for me!

It's interesting too that I have found it hard to back off, another thing I need to work on. I am so ingrained in 'locking in' to something even when it's not positive to do so.

I guess it's what I did as a child to survive, try and engage people constantly, try and salvage something.

My marriage reinforced that. Yesterday was just the same as all outings with ex go- we end the day in misery and no one exactly knows why except he suddenly seems more content and 'vindicated' in something. I tried to discuss it and the words tumbled out of him: it's all your fault!

I am always a bit surprised I guess that he never moves away from that despite therapy and being happier. I did disengage at that point though, I know it's not all my fault!

Son is staying here tonight and Weds we're spendign the whole day togetehr. Don't know how that will go. SUbtle undermining going on from ex- not sure he even knows he's doign it, but since we decided we have to parent with a more united front he's been even worse at crossing my values- 'there is no G_d' and cursing have resurfaced with a vengeance....

You can see why I react very strongly to el crusho's apparent belief his faith is more valid than mine...

As for the disrespect and cursing I pointedout to ex that son is copying him and then he's cross with son and he said why don't I drop the assinine psycho-babble. He has a charming way sometimes, started one conversation in that sneering tone- 'you have a tendency towards the irrational...'

Yuk!

I do think that many things that are considered incurable and extreme now will later be subject to a simple correction based on inputs to the body, such as diet, light, herbs, who knows!

me too. Some of the current treatments have worse side-effects than the illnesses too- unhealthy/toxic is just that, whether it's prescribed or not!

Medication works differently on each individual, but is prescribed as though there is a uniform response.