Author Topic: My Nearest, Dearest... Saboteur???  (Read 1275 times)

Stormchild

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My Nearest, Dearest... Saboteur???
« on: December 07, 2006, 10:39:06 PM »
I was eighteen the first time it happened. Or, perhaps, it took me that long to recognize it.

I was in college. There were exams. There was a young man... who claimed to love me... yet strangely, was most interested in me, most insistent that I spend time with him, just when I insisted on studying for those exams.

There were explanations that fell on deaf ears. There was the claim that 'if I loved him I'd make time for him'. There was the counterclaim that 'if he loved me he could wait two days to see me until my test was over.' There was, incredibly, the ultimatum... see him when he insisted, or not at all.

The choice was sadly easy.

The next time it happened it was a gaggle of girlfriends playing the part. Come out tonight and party with us. Can't, I have an exam tomorrow. Gotta get some sleep. Oh, come on, you're such an old stick in the mud. Sorry you see it that way, but I have an exam tomorrow, gotta get some sleep.

It wasn't always exams. Sometimes, it was food [oh, forget that silly diet! One little piece of double chocolate buttercream frosted devils food cake won't do you any harm]. Sometimes it was other things [what do you mean I can't smoke dope in your car and make obscene gestures at police cars on the road?]. Sometimes it was very serious other things indeed [I can't believe you'd insist on using contraception when we really love each other,] [and I can't believe you'd want to put me at such risk when you claim to really love me!]

And it didn't stop after college.

And it didn't stop after graduate school.

And three decades into the working world, it still hasn't stopped.

What did stop, what stopped by the time I was twenty, was my believing that anyone who claimed to love me, but actively encouraged me to do things that would potentially harm me, actually gave a damn about me, ever.

I was lucky.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2006, 10:52:38 PM by Stormchild »
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Gaining Strength

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Re: My Nearest, Dearest... Saboteur???
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2006, 10:56:48 PM »
Well done Stormchild, well done.

Quote
What did stop, what stopped by the time I was twenty, was my believing that anyone who claimed to love me, but actively encouraged me to do things that would potentially harm me, actually gave a damn about me, ever.

I am finally where you arrived in by age twenty but before that I would have given up my study time, my diet, my preference for a smoke free car and couldn't understand why people didn't give back to me.  Sorry I didn't get it then.  Sorry I was so wretchedly needing of love.  So glad I get today.

Stormchild

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Re: My Nearest, Dearest... Saboteur???
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2006, 11:23:29 PM »
((((((((((GS))))))))))

Alas, seeing this one piece didn't put the puzzle together for me. I just did learn to get away from people who tried to set me up to hurt myself. That part, I was able to see young.

A lot of other parts, it took me years to see. Some parts, I still don't. Which is why I still 'fell' for charming N type guys; they didn't try to make me hurt myself; but that was just because it was more fun, for them, to hurt me themselves.

The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

Gaining Strength

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Re: My Nearest, Dearest... Saboteur???
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2006, 06:12:43 PM »
In my late 20s I was angry that I didn't get it.  I knew that I just wasn't clueing in like my friends growing up or the
young professionals I had come to know.  I didn't know how to catch on. 

Now I have caught on and I am thankful.  I no longer care that I didn't know earlier.  I hope and pray that my son will
have a mind to learn from me.  Not that I want to save him from all pain - I wouldn't if I could but that I want him to
learn how to learn from pain, to learn how to find direction in the midst of chaos. 

I am learning to let go of regret.  Regret causes me anxiety.  I feel regret and turn it to a hope and a plan.

I think that many of my saboteurs have come out of my own insecurity combined with an unconscious desire to correct
what was wrong with my relationship with my father.  As I let go of the need to repair that relationship I also lose the
desire to be rescued and so the need to give in to a sabateur.

That's what I am believing.